My previous comments about the visual pacing of combat apply here. By filling all the action in consistent blocks of 5-7 lines, it makes it harder for the reader to build tension or experience the escalation. Diamantus fended off three assassins here, killing two of them, but it feels overall uneventful. There were risks, particularly with the first assassin, but the calm and methodical way that the story is relayed to the reader works against it.
One thing to look out for is overuse of words like 'had.' It's not (usually) wrong in a technical sense, but it causes things to read awkwardly. The specific example that brings this up:
He looked about quizzically as he took another careful step into the room and all at once his dagger whipped around as he leapt at the velen, almost as if he’d been able to see right through the shadows to spot her. He’d moved so quickly that the practiced warrior had barely had time to get her blade up to parry his slashing strike.
In addition to repetition, which you want to avoid except in certain stylistic cases, each addition of 'had' separates the reader further from the moment. Looking at the example, 'he had been' in the first sentence could be changed to 'he was,' retaining the same meaning but giving the illusion of more immediacy. In the second sentence, you can remove all but one 'had' or all of them, making things more snappy with very little change.
He moved so quickly that the practiced warrior had barely any time to get her blade up to parry his slashing strike.
He moved so quickly that the practiced warrior barely had time to get her blade up to parry his slashing strike.
Revising can also leave a shorter, faster line.
He moved so quickly that the practiced warrior barely got her blade up to parry his slashing strike.
Trimming further amps up the pace. We still have the original meaning of the sentence, but it feels more urgent, bringing the reader into the moment.
He moved so quickly that the practiced warrior barely got her blade up to parry.
When action picks up, try to break up your paragraphs more, and shorten sentences as needed, to pump up the pace... and when tension needs to build, let the descriptions grow longer, let the weight of the situation sink in. Think of your writing like the scene of a movie and try to build out that sense of pacing.
+50 Faction
Moon - 135/145
I'll admit to being confused. I don't know where this story fits on the timeline anymore. I assumed it was in the past, but now it's current with the daemon invasion. I haven't read all of your writing, so there's gaps in the story, and this chapter feels like it's revealing something but I'm missing it. Putting confusion aside, the scenes with Deni are a little dark, but I like how he contrasts wanting to die on his terms with not wanting to be found at all. The meeting on the rooftop, on the other hand, didn't seem to go anywhere. Nereus shows up, acts angry, then leaves, while Vaferis seems to reveal nothing during the encounter. All I can really tell is there's a history there, but not actually where each stands on the subject of Deni.
I assume this guy is the one sending Deni and friends to Arctoa, but I don't know why, or have any idea why Nereus cares. I'm missing part of the puzzle, I guess.
+50 Faction
Val - 145/148
