Grading Session for Week 186

[Kaelos]

Happy Mother’s Day! Send them plenty of love or incur their wrath. Go visit or call her!

AH > 12th > 4th/7th > Cerb/Q > O > 11th > 1st/10th > 3rd > 8th/13th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Rob
8th/13th = Sene
11th = Lucy
12th = Harm
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Raph
O = Zenny
​

Grades must be posted by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday night.​

 

[Kehengto]

Ok Ladies and Gents I need links to grade stuff.

Lucy:
collab w/ Beaks: It was a great and easy read. Some emotion and excellent lead up to pull Tsubaki from plot events without doing damage to her character. I really didn't see any glaring mistakes, or anything that would be out of place given the setting. Take the full 63 pts and div bonus.

[63/63] +150 div bonus

For my Grader: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/47961-10th-O-Week-186-My-Kingdom-For-an-Ass

 

[tminus31]

Huzzah for having multiple pppls to grade again

[Wack]

Butchershop III - Nice little fight chapter, couple of errors: "Our has killed tons of our men", i think you meant 'He has killed...' [55/56] + 150 Div Bonus​

[Harm]

Mark of Trouble - Ah, MotH 'training', good stuff. Admittedly this did seem more about Tod and Mitsu, you did a good job moderating it (and shouting at them along the way) [102/104]​

That's all from me this week folks, holler if I missed anything. Tom out.

 

[Rob]

Teh Rawbmeister with Spades.

[Mihoho]
MHFFA – The Warning: [60/64]

- I have to ask, what does MHFFA stand for?

- I have told you this time and again, oblivious is not the same as obvious.
Oblivious means you are unaware of something, obvious means that what you’re doing is rather obvious – “You are rather oblivious to my obvious manoeuvres.”
Don’t let me catch you making this mistake again or I’ll be docking more points from now on.

- You still tend to use the indefinite article ‘a’ instead of the definite article ‘the’ whenever you’re writing about a previously introduced character, watch out for that; as means of remembering: when you already introduced the character earlier in the chapter, you almost always use ‘the’ as in: the person, the lady.

- “Uuu it’s getting hotter here,” laughed barely evading a crimson cero.”
I’ve got to ask, who or what did you try to accomplish here? A laughing cero? I really, really cannot figure out what’s supposed to go here. I’m thinking it’s your character laughing after she evaded a cero, but I’m really, really not sure. When you’re ending your dialogues with things like: ‘said’ or ‘asked’ or anything spiffy like that, add which person said it. So, don’t just assume we know what’s said here, because really, we don’t.

- Word order. This is something I’ve been seeing more frequently now that I’ve started to take notice, but your word order is... sorry to say this, not too good. Though most of the sentences are understandable, and they would probably even make perfect sense when spoken, when you are writing prose, please make sure you know your word orders. So, as homework - =P -, please take a look at: http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/word-order and http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/word-order/questions in particular, as it’s mostly your questions that go awry.

- Also, keep up with everything we’ve given you so far, as there are still certain elements that we’ve addressed that still aren’t completely gone.

- All in all, though, it was a decent read and you’re making steady progress. My advice to you is to read through what I’ve given you today, and recap everything Dips and I have advised you on in the previous grading sessions.

---

[Raph]
From Here and Back in 9 Seconds: [110/110]

-My resources tell me this is all you wrote, if not... blame Harm.

-First of all, there was one line: third paragraph - not counting the one sentence in between - first sentence. 'Needless.' Probably unintentionally placed - hell there's even quite the difference between needles and needless, but man did it make me chuckle.

-I have to ask, wasn't his sibling asking Arano if he was there? So, if he did, why is there no question mark, but a period?

-Other than that, no real pet peeves, not enough to dock points for.

-I'm pretty sure my having no knowledge of your previous writings has made my mind confused, but it was a good read nonetheless.

---

You two, split the Div. Bonus...
-Rawb out.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Div

Surprise in District two: (51/51)

I did not dock any points from your writing as your writing is pretty sound. The only complaint that I have is that you used Jasper and "he" as a reference to your character. Try using other descriptors ones that describe your character whether emotionally, physically, etc from time to time to give the reader a visual of what or who they are reading about. This pretty much applies to all your writing this week, which will lack further comments.

A New Path: (52/52)

Same comments as above...

First day: (25/25)

Again same as above

Loss: (57/57)

Same as above

You may also take the full 150 Division bonus as a welcome gift. Once I am home I will explain how to distribute your grade/stats/etc, or someone in chat might help you (if you don't already understand it yourself).

Tom

Nothing better to do: (58/60)

There were a couple of rough openings on a few of your sentences. I also got a tad confused near the end when you started using italics and quotes in some of your dialogue/thoughts (not sure which they were). Future ref if you are shouting a word or a phrase within dialogue use bold or even capitalize the word, not a sentence, as I would prefer a sentence said in a high tone to be bold rather than all caps. Again not sure what the intentions were, but that's my story and I am sticking to it

 

[Eidolon]

3rd Division Irregardless breakdown

Ri - 51/51; Sakura seems of a state that if you do rescue her, the road to her well being might be just beginning. A brave move for solid character development. As for the chapter itself, didn't see any silly errors or editing mess ups. I think that anticipated time of revenge is soon upon you. I'm looking forward to reading that work. +150 DB, +VC for recruiting!

Shingo - Thanks for the all 3rd post. I'll try to make it so it ends this week.

Guest grade: Sen - /; Ri says that you had no completed writing!

My link: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/47963-3rd-11th-Week-186-Uncommon-Courtesy

Note for Beaks: I'm going to drop a c-bonus on our work, so don't forget to double your grade!

 

[swaswj]

Hare - 179/184

One thing you need to emphasize in your writing is emphasis. When you make sudden shifts in tone the scene often seems flat. A good example is when Hayato switches from gloating to despairing, from falling to slamming a fist into something... throughout the transitions, the pace remains essentially the same.

Pacing is as much visual as anything else. Shorter, sharper words and clipped sentences can help add an urgency to writing. Longer, calmer sentences and words tend to suggest recitation, as though it's a simple explanation of what happened rather than narrative. Tailor your writing to the mood.

With the collab, it's just a relief to read some Haresuno -- nothing against Hayato -- and interesting to realize how much more open and friendly he is toward Sayis as compared to how he is toward most people. I'm not sure if that's a change toward Sayis specifically or an overall change with Haresuno -- I haven't seen him interact with enough others to decide.

50 VC Bonus

When Hell Follows After (2049) 99/102
Wildfires and Campfires (3293) 80/82 ​

Lil - 82/86

I'm a little disappointed to see you allowing Bish to direct the collab as much as you did. Certain things I would expect you to catch OOG, like the Kindou disparity (see below), you instead argued against in-game. A lot of this really comes across as Lilith being the voice for your own "really? How could your character figure that out?" thoughts.

That said, I'm glad to see Lilith moving into a more leader-like role. She takes to it well.

50 VC Bonus

Reawakening (3458) 82/86​

Finny - 92/93

You have a quirky style that never gets boring to read. One thing I'd like to see a little more of is description. It occurs to me that even after reading several chapters and open collabs with Picca, I don't really know much about what she looks like.

Also, strong gas if it seeps through wireless video feeds!

50 Div Bonus

Underneath (1858) 92/93​

Bob - 50/52

Much improved over last week, although there were still a few instances of comma abuse and a few small tense slips. Plot-wise, not a whole lot going on, though.

What Happened (1044) 50/52

Grif - 63/63

I have to say, your writing has improved a great deal from when you first started here. The characterization especially, and I think getting away from Kenpeki has a lot to do with that. More specifically, your portrayal of Roland was rather impressive, and the exchange between him and Aragon reminded me of some of those old spy movies.

50 Div Bonus

My Kingdom (2538) 63/63​

Bish - 80/86

Kyrie is Derek's middle name? Why does this stand out to me? Because when I read it, I hear this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-0nco6hjx8&feature=related

I know I've pointed it out a few times, but Sayis doesn't have an overwhelming reiatsu presence. You only feel his reiatsu when he wants you to, which is usually only when he's nearby. That's not something you would notice as missing (or at least wouldn't find strange to be missing).

The rest of this collab/conversation troubles me. For one thing, neither of you should know what kindou even is, much less know that Sayis cast it. The only shinigami who were around to witness it were Tsubaki and Makoto. The C46 could conceivably be aware of what he'd done, but that's an entirely different thing.

Derek's reasoning is also pretty slap-dash. Lilith didn't even say Sayis was permanently relocated -- he could have easily just been visiting the First for a captain's meeting (in fact, that would be the most likely reason), or a number of other reasons. Hindsight is 20/20, but truth is often unpredictable. I would rather see Derek coming up with some insightful, logical assertions that have varying degrees of accuracy.

I'm glad to see you writing again, but I want to see you building Derek's character, not just gifting him with answers.

Reawakening (3458) 80/86​

Van - 129/129

I'm somewhat glad I saved this for last. It was quite an interesting read, and reminds me of some of those simple one-on-one conversations Sayis used to have. Rare to see either of you so composed and calm. Interesting enough, I remember when Tsubaki wanted a fight with Theron and he refused... but now that she's no longer demanding it, I get the impression that a duel would be more readily accepted.

I don't know if it's what you intended, but I also laughed at the reactions of the Therbaki fangirls.

I'm going to give you 50 of my division bonus.

Uncommon Courtesy (5146) 129/129​

 

[Kaelos]

Dragan

Enter, Kyoujin: (55/58)
As usual good reading and descriptions. You showed a really good handle on keeping character while trying something new and also keeping a balance. The only problem that I have with the chapter is that Eiji learned the name of his zanpakutou too early to my own liking before his ‘test.’ It would’ve been a much better read for me as an element of surprise. Nevertheless, a very good chapter. Only a couple of errors on the punctuation end.

Looking Upon Stained Glass: (86/86)
Well it was a good read; your writing seems to mesh well despite the craziness. I enjoyed it all the way through, and if there were any errors I missed them. You did a great job playing the hollow. Also shame on Miki for hiding out most of most of the collab and let the guys to all the work against that beast.

+100 Division Bonus
+100 Vice-Captain’s Bonus​

Tod

Looking Upon Stained Glass: (77/83)
The one thing that bothers me with your writing is that it’s flat. When you keep saying Tod did this, he did that, Takaeda did this, it made me sadfaced to tell you the truth. That is very repetitive use of the characters’ name with nothing for the reader to really imagine. Bring your writing to life with descriptive words. Think of the characters you are going to use in your next chapter or collab, picture what they look like, and then write down several distinctive characteristics about them (whether it’s a persona or physical trait) and rotate on the use of those said pronouns to refer to your characters. There were a few grammatical errors and an awkward sentence sprinkled in as well.

Mist and Shadows: (263/271)
Same issues as above. When it comes to big chapters like this one, errors tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Using "Tod” a lot tends to make the writing stale, which messes up the flow. I had to catch myself reading the same sentence a couple of times to see if it made sense. Watch out for those quirky sentences. There were a few hyphens missing with the use of descriptor of "blue-skinned.” There’s also another big gripe I have in your writing.

"What...? Who are you little one?” Tod said, stroking at the creature right under its chin. "Why have you been waiting?”

Your narration following dialogue where your character asks a q, but you as narrator would say "he said,” instead of "he asked.” You need to watch out for those.

As far as positives go, I liked the struggle Tod had to deal with. Feeling the guilt as the one responsible for the death of those humans -- even though it was a Qunicy did the killing -- was not an easy task at all. It was good that he took some accountability for his non-action. It show the readers that the character does have vulnerability and has flaws. Good work on your character development.

Why is He Tied Up?: (31/36)
Short collab is short, but not without its mistakes. Again, you have the problem of not mixing up the pronouns of your character. The final turn of yours certainly stuck out like a sore thumb. You have the same dialogue transition problem in this collab.

Mark of Trouble: (54/59)
First off, I copied and paste your writing onto Word since the final wordcount was off -- which was 1618 words exactly. So yeah, you lost major points with that blunder. Secondly, beginning each paragraph with "Tod” hurts your content here. I’m not saying it’s inherently wrong, but it would be better if you spice the beginning of your paragraphs more instead of make it mundane. Occasional grammatical hiccups hurt you here as well.

I'm going to drop a collab bonus on this, so don't forget to double your grade!

+25 Division Bonus​

Mitsu

Dragan got you this week. I'm going to drop a collab bonus on the Mark collab, so don't forget to double your grade!​

Rawb

I'll Leave When the Wind Blows: (55/55)

So we have ourselves a Rosa sighting in the pchap. I thought that you did a good job in keeping Kaede in character when the female Quincy dished out a short burst of blame for what had happened to her family and bloodline. It showed that the medic has a sympathetic side. I also liked portrayal with Rosa, looking lost and unsure when she conversed with Kaede. Big props in the memory wipeage.​

 

[bankzu]

Mitsu

Mark of Trouble (66/74)

You seem to use the wrong tense from time to time in your writing, reading over once or twice before posting usually helps with that. Example below (corrections are in red):

Slurping some tea, Mitsuhito enjoys the wonderful weather while sitting at his favorite dango shop.
After he finished a mission he had some time left to goof around and he thought of eating some dango on the way back, so he ended up here again.

Slurping some tea, Mitsuhito enjoyed the wonderful weather while sitting at his favorite dango shop. After finishing a mission, he had some time left to goof around and he thought of eating some dango on the way back (Here, on his way back works better if you don’t set a location. On the way back ‘to the barracks/12th and such works where you tell the audience where you’re going.), so he ended up here again.

Then there was the problem that we talked about in AIM. You tend to use a lot of spacing in your writing that is incorrect. Example below:

“Hmm how should I put it in words, fukutaichou.
“I just joined the twelfth division recently and am still pretty useless because of this. When I were capable to use the 'Mark of the Hunted', I could help on the hunts more efficiently.”

You should have use only two, and not three quotation marks in this part, since it’s the same subject that is talked about. Also, you should make your paragraphs into one that hands together instead of two that are split with just a row. This also happened a few times so I won’t remove any points for it this time, but next time they will be missing. The text should be more like (corrections are in red):

“Hmm, how should I put it in words, fukutaichou? I just joined the twelfth division recently and I am still pretty useless because of this. When I am capable of using the 'Mark of the Hunted', I can help on the hunts more efficiently.”

You have a good flow in your writing, but it seems that you miss out on letters at places (even words somewhere). Also the issue with wrong tenses can be fixed with a simple proofread or two. I also noticed a few errors with punctuation that could be easily fixed with a spellcheck or even proofread. It was a fun read though, and some pieces made me almost laugh my ass off. Great collab to all three, you did a good job. At least you guys didn’t get killed by Mizuki; the Dango might have played a big part there.

A Surprise In District Two (46/50)


The recurring problem here is the tenses it seems (not as bad as in MoT, but you had some errors here as well). As stated above, a proofread or two would sort that out. I also noticed a few letters missing here and there and a punctuation error or two, but those are just small mistakes that are easily fixed. Here as well, I noticed the same issue at some parts that was in Mark of Trouble (the paragraph issue). The flow of the chapter was good, and it was a really nice read. I’d say that Mitsu is already a full-fledged killer huh? And poor Jasper, I don’t think he’s used to that kind of heartless killing.

Your writing was nice to read, and I got a feeling that you improve from chapter to chapter. The keyword here is proofreading (which I think I should do a bit more often as well), so don’t be afraid to take an extra few minutes to post a turn or even an hour extra to post a chapter. Remember, quality is always better than quantity. So just keep writing and you’ll get the hang of it.

Looking upon stained glass (114/124)

Just as in the other two collabs, you also made the same errors with paragraphs and quotation marks. Since I wrote with you here, I should probably have told you that beforehand, sorry for that. But there won’t be any points shaved here either. And if there are two different people speaking, always make a paragraph. Example below (corrections are in red):

“My name is Kimi and I transferred here two weeks ago, out of the Academy.”
“And mine is Takaeda and I enrolled the same time as Kimi has. We know each other for quite some time now.”

“My name is Kimi, and I transferred here two weeks ago, from the Academy.”

“And mine is Takaeda and I enrolled at the same time as Kimi did. We have known each other for quite some time now.”

Looking that the rest of the collab, there were quite a lot of punctuation errors and missing words/letters that made some sentences quite hard to finish reading. I get the feeling that we rushed this collab way too much; a lot more proofreading should have been done here. The writing was pretty good if you put aside the errors, and it flowed pretty well. And the savior of the day was Mitsuhito and his Grappling Hook, so kudos for that.

-
​

You seem to have another week of newb bonus and of course you have your consecutive bonus since you wrote last week. If you have any questions about that, I shall direct you to our lovely leader, Harm (since she knows that better than me)!

And remember, Harm dropped a collab bonar on Mark of Trouble, so that's double that grade.

+25 Division Bonus

 

[Wayne]

busy busy busy week. sorry for the lateness.

Albino - Summons

A lot better than last week's. Your sentence structure has improved too, so kudos to you on that. Again, I'm liking your plot here so keep it up. There are still a few mishaps though, most of which that I noticed were a few spelling errors like "They headstrong woman..." which I'm assuming is 'The.' Like I said, always re-read your stuff for any errors just in case.

Grade: 98/101


Beaks - Marching Orders, Uncommon Courtesy, and Blood On Fire 2: The Rising

The mini-pchap was, in all sense of the word, standard. Tsubaki's reaction on being sent to a potentially suicidal mission was kind of reserved, but still a good read. Regarding Tsubaki's little meeting with Theron, it was cool seeing two powerhouses interact the way they both did. I didn't notice any errors, and the flow went on smoothly. I half-expected some sort of physicality, but ehh, that's just me.

Grade: 150/150 (Pchap & Theron Klab) + 63/63 (Our klab courtesy of Zen)

Ps- when you read this when you come back, I'm buying collab bonus for our stuff just because.


Shun - Those Who Challenge The Inevitable

At first when I read you were RP'ing my guy, I was confused as all hell. Then I realized it was a doppelganger. I personally don't mind you using Kyu in your pchaps, but be more careful with other people's characters if ever you're planning to do that again in the future... even with just clones. You portrayed my character pretty accurately surprisingly enough, so props on that. All in all, a good read.

Grade: 51/51


Guest Grade: Will - Of Wildfires and Campfires

I absolutely loved Sayis' interaction with Haresuno. The 'wise mentor' vibe I got from him was great, and you showed a lot about Sayis' personality outside of battle and while with friends/subordinates. Not a nitpick, but just my personal opinion as a reader, maybe you should have him turn just a wee bit more serious-er and dark-er now that he's Soutaichou and all. But that's just me. Great chapter, keep up the good work.

Grade: 81/81


Each of y'all get 30 Division Points.

If I missed anything, tell me.

 

[K3]

Moony:
100 Division Bonus

[59/59]Nothing Better to Do:
In a word? Funny. I always manage to laugh at whatever you and Tom are writing, while still enjoying myself. This was genuinely a good read, and the dynamic between Ewan and Zakki feels smooth without taking away from the collab.

Well done Moony, this is what I like to see.

[36/36]Why is He Tied Up? :
This lacked the same kind of punch the other collab held, and the length left me rather disappointed. In fact, I find myself questioning why this had to happen in the first place. Unless the captured guy becomes important to plot, I can't really bring myself to care about what happens in this collab. I'm not subtracting points because there's technically nothing wrong with it, but I am a little upset that I have to remind you not to collab for the sake of having a word count.

As a side note to Tod, this is something that every shinigami seems to forget: You're not supposed to be giving out your identity to humans. Especially those that can see you.

Val:
50 Division Bonus

[62/63]A Vizard's Mind:
So my lack of familiarity with Shukumei's plot is offset by the well-done exposition in this chapter. All in all, feels sorta like a recap of previous events, but sometimes that's necessary. Nothing particularly wrong with this chapter, but there is something I notice.

The complete lack of struggle in this chapter is a bit unnerving. Shukumei's almost…passive…in being told his faults. No real reaction given, no display of emotion, he comes off as a bit of a blank. A lot of this is action, but given that a lot about an inner world is supposed to denote feeling, the overall feel of the chapter is off.

Zen:
[63/63]My Kingdom for an Ass:
Bravo good sir, an excellent read. The use of Chimera never ceases to please me, and I can't help but feel proud at how many lives I've ruined by creating it.