Grading Session for Week 187

[Kaelos]

AH > 12th > 4th/7th > Cerb/Q > O > 11th > 1st/10th > 3rd > 8th/13th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dippy
8th/13th = Sene
11th = Lucy
12th = Harm
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Raph
O = Zenny
​

Grades must be posted by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday night.​

 

[Wayne]

You know what I just realized? Not procrastinating reading until Tuesday is pretty goddamn convenient. Early grades for errybody... and by errybody, I mean all two of you who wrote this week.

Fan - Identity Theft

It's good to see you finally interacting with your inner world. Good job describing it without going into TOO MUCH detail. It was a quick and easy read, and no major problems to point out. I'm hopeful to see what you got in store next week when Ryou comes face to face with his zan spirit.

Grade: 50/50 + 75 Division Bonus


Guest Grade: Will - Answers & About Direction

First off, your collabo with Shad. I like how you portray Fukushin, particularly on the five questions thing. The way he handles Hisao's questions is like something straight out of an anime, so kudos on that... even though the bad guy in all white seems like a pretty common cliche. Lol. Onto your chapter with Lin. Again, Sayis fits perfect with the wise-mentor archetype and you always seem to play it off so well especially when explaining how kidou and reiatsu work. Great job, bossman.

Grade: 203/203 + 75 Division Bonus


I'm pretty sure that's it, but if I missed anyone (which is highly unlikely) message me.


Linkz to Zen/Sev: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48021-11th-Week-187-Demon-Hunt

2 Pchaps is all.

 

[Kehengto]

ORPH! I know there are missions taken that I have not seen completed yet. When you post your stats this week include a status update of your mission(s), I will not hesitate to default on them. If I don’t see anything by the end of May expect to see mission updates.


Grades:

Thana: Ok I found a few things that stood out in this double chapter. For starters spell checker only makes sure the word is correctly spelled, not if the word is correctly used.

I.E. ’ Her decent down the grassy side…’

Here I think you meant to use Descent instead of decent. Another mistake I picked up on was the following line in the same paragraph.

’ Focusing her grey eyes up river showed no obvious targets around but thing were hardly ever obvious when it came to masked beasts.’

Here you could have put a comma between around and but as well as added an s onto thing so it reads like so.

’ Focusing her grey eyes up river showed no obvious targets around, but things were hardly ever obvious when it came to masked beasts.’

There were a few other instances further along in the piece that made me have to do a double take to read it. Overall plotline of this was good and in a way refreshing to see that things didn’t turn out all hunky dory at the end. I am curious to find out more about these men and who they are working for.

[ 98 / 107] + 150 bonus

Wayne: Your first chapter left me wanting more. I was so deeply swept away that I felt gut punched when it ended like it did. Your villain is one I enjoy, as he is a true mastermind worthy of the title. The way he covered all his angles just so he can get his way with the hero, well played good sir, well played.

You second chapter flew past me as I read it; it really did not seem like 4k. It was inviting and gripping that the reader hated to see the end. The slow down at the end was a great breather after the fight that took place. I noticed slight mistakes, but nothing really noteworthy.

[289 / 289]

My Grader: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48020-O-Week-187-The-Lead

 

[Kaelos]

Tetsu

A Realm Between Life and Death: (61/61)

This is a good start as to what it will be another arc. I see that it will involving the old assassin at some point. Also, thanks for the name drop -- even if you described Mizuki as the ‘bitch vixen.’ I really didn't see any glaring mistakes, or anything that would be out of place given the setting. Kudos.

Rusty the Frog Monster: Terror of the Town: (415/417) (Collab Bonus Included)

I gotta that was one crazy collab you and Drag had going. This was mostly about Soseki who was looking to have some fun. I say that alcohol, profanity and strippers keep the old man sane in their own way. That’s just my view on that issue. I had to do a double take at the beginning of the collab with Rusty trying to screw another female. No need for me to imagine what the robot did to the ladies using his tool. At least Soseki got what he wanted out it. Safe to say that in the old man’s favorite brothel spot, there won’t be any brutalized women. On a side note, I always find it humorous that he finds the today’s generation of shinigami disrespectful. Also, love the response towards Eiji’s question about not having a heart. Yep, he’s an old and cranky bastard of an assassin. Saw a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but nothing grievous.

+50 Division Bonus​

Dragan

Rusty the Frog Monster: Terror of the Town: (415/417) (Collab Bonus Included)

I like the way that you played off Soseki profane behavior with Eiji in the collab. Many times people tend to try staying on the other person’s good side, and veer off their character traits. You did a wonderful job in finding the old man’s conduct ungentlemanly while at the same time not outright loathe him for it. I wonder if Eiji has found a hobby outside the White City during off-hours. Your turns in the collab flowed well. There were a couple of spelling errors, but nothing agonizing.

The Power of Two: (84/86)

It was an interesting training collab. The premise was sound and the writing was good as usual. I didn’t see anything wrong or done poorly, and personally I thought it was great that you stuck to character the whole time.

Kagesochi: (102/106)

Your chapter for this week was good, and we get to see Kyoujin teaching Eiji of the Shi Kai abilities. However, I need to point out some mistakes.

He had gotten his hands in front of himself once again and completely ignored the young shinigamis’ attack.

The apostrophe should be inside the ‘s’ since it is one person doing the attack, not multiple people.

A fist was once again flying towards the assassins’ ribcage, and he could not evade it this time.

Same thing here since we’re talking about a person hitting someone else’s body section.

+50 Division Bonus​

Tod

The Power of Two: (83/86)

Good job in dealing with the exercise. Much of the comments are the same for you above. You did better this week, cutting down on the issues with the transitional sentences from last week. However…

I guess it’s time to take another step forward. The tracker thought with a grin as he held his blade forward. Alright Mist fox, you’re on.

That should’ve been a comma there since it was still one sentence. Also, the 'T' should not be capitalized in that situation.

You also have the word ‘then’ when you meant ‘than.’ Always re-read your stuff for any errors just in case.

Enter Alexis, Tod's Terror: (79/83)

The same problems with your other pieces of writing applies here.

“OF COURSE I DON’T!” Alexis said, sputtering at the rude man. “WHY WOULD I NEED TO? I’VE GOT MY ROBES TO PROVE IT!”

Since the speaking part is more point of emphasis, it would’ve flowed much better like this:

“OF COURSE I DON’T!” shouted Alexis, sputtering at the rude man. “WHY WOULD I NEED TO? I’VE GOT MY ROBES TO PROVE IT?”

See the difference there? When using all caps in a dialogue, the person is not speaking in a normal fashion. Otherwise, the original sentence would’ve made sense.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.” The man said, walking back towards the kitchen and leaning over to talk to another set of customers that sat at the bar.

You still have this hang up hang up here. The sentence there could’ve worked in two ways.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.” The man walked back towards the kitchen and leaned over to talk to another set of customers that sat at the bar.

-or-

“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” the man said, walking back towards the kitchen and leaning over to talk to another set of customers that sat at the bar.

I need you to read out the link here as a refresher.

+50 Division Bonus​

Mitsu

Stories of the Past: (78/87)

There were plenty spelling and grammar mistakes in your chapter. The majority of them were minor errors, but there were quite a few in there that made no sense. You also mixed up your tense, and had missing words/letters that made some sentences quite hard to read. Normally grammatical mistakes can be phased over easily without a chapter suffering for it, but the chapter suffered too many. In the future, I suggest proofreading your work more thoroughly before you hit the ‘send’ button. Also, you still had an issue with spacing. I’ll blame that on rushing to get the chapter out.

This is your third and final week of the newbie bonus.​

Dippy

Saw nothing from you.​

 

[swaswj]

Lin - 325/325

Poor Lin, subjected to torture and blushing like it's a date. Congrats on VC! Now I just need to clear out some of these other VCs... *gives them the 'take your taishuu' look*

Great job on the bankai chapter -- did you already prod Van to read it? My only real complaint is that there was a sense of anticlimax with the revelation. I would have preferred if 'Theron' had attacked or feinted an attack, give Ilsa a chance to stand by her conviction rather than just saying it.

100 VC Bonus

100 Div Bonus

About Directions (6400) 160/160
Victory Conditions (3301) 165/165​

Finny - 107/107

GLaDOS, KOSMOS, and EIDOS... Cute chapter, and I can't wait to see the next part. I'd still like to see more description, but at least we got a good picture of Ittori this time.

50 Div Bonus

The Sun (2133) 107/107​

Van - 72/75

The perspective is rather wonky here. You open with a cold start, then move into a narrated introduction, weave into third-person limited, and then back out to narration. Despite using narration, you also provide relatively little explanation of what's going on. You only explain who Genmon and Juyo are and, loosely, what the state of the district is.

I'm not taking off too many points, because these are more stylistic issues than errors, but it makes it difficult to get involved in the story.

Small Things (1492) 72/75​

 

[K3]

Moony:
100 Division Bonus

[58/59]A New Page Turns:
Alright, this was a nice collab, but there was one thing: how exactly was it clear that Shukumei had nowhere else to go? There was nothing in his appearance to denote he was doing anything other than grabbing a midnight snack where the getting was good.

If it was in fact true that he looked the part, or seemed the part, then I'd like you to touch on it a bit more. It's not enough to just say that it looked that way, or that the 'air around him' seemed forlorn, you gotta show us. Paint us a picture, as it were. All aside, this was still a good collab, and showcasing Zakki's empathy to others (although contrasted against this newer, colder persona he seems to be displaying towards others) is always a welcome sight.

[114/114]Ass Kicking 101:
I'll admit it: you surprised me with your reactions in this one. You managed to keep the flow of things nice, without taking away from detail too much.

I did, however, note the unfortunate return of your old nemesis: the mood swing. Zakki's overall temper seems to change rapidly in this, with him going from impatiently annoyed, to angry, to defeated, so on so forth.

You gotta keep in mind that peoples' moods don't change on a dime. Any adjustment to a character's overall temper during a collab has to be engaged slightly, making it a slow attainment so as to not throw it in the reader's face. I won't expect perfection, but I'll say that if you've done it absolutely perfectly, then I won't be able to tell that Zakki's mood has changed at all until after the fact.

Val:
50 Division Bonus

[58/59]A New Page Turns:
Apart from the above comments, I noticed some typos on some of your turns. Try to iron out those possessives and such.

Shady:

[61/61]Answers
YOU GET A ZERO FOR BEING A TRAITOROUS MEANIE!

But yeah, this was a nice collab. Hisao's reactions, though nice, did leave a bit to be desired. He acts as though there's no pre-existing agreement with a certain Corporation, and I won't lie and say that isn't weird. Considering the length of the alliance, for him to turn around and go 'kay we're going with these guys' without so much as a mention of the alliance with Cerberus did seem awkward.

All aside, it was still a very good collab, and I enjoyed the flow and content. Be aware: Arano will come for Hisao if he figures out that the old coot just double-crossed him.

Zenny:

[71/72]The Lead:
A nice chapter, but I couldn't help but ask: who the hell is Aragon projecting his thoughts to? The audience?

Fourth Wall my friend, try not to break it too much.

 

[tminus31]

Short grading this week

[Harm]

A Date? What!! - Cute little chapter, Lucas is in for a bit more hurt methinks [50/50]​

That's all from me folks, holler if I missed anything. Tom out.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Notes: I hurt that is all...

Theader

The power of two: (82/87)

I liked the collab and its purpose it served. Senesati would have been proud of you had this somehow reached his ears. This was something he was trying to strengthen in the 12th when he was the 4th seat of the division. The collab was not without error though. There were at times some odd fragments and extra words thrown in, which did not belong. And also you need to choose some more discriptors for shizuka other than young soul. Choose characteristics that describe the character to the reader, stuff that says what color/length/texture shizuka's hair is, what she wears, how tall/short she is, body type etc. I will point out some of these errors in the collab we are doing once it is finished and before we post it so I can give you some examples of the senetences I am talking about. The collab was an enjoyable one though.

You may take 50 of the division bonus.

 

[Eidolon]

3rd division 'experimentation' breakdown

Ri - Downhill: 52/52; A small, but tight chapter referencing people affected in the world by your woven plot. I like it. Particularly, I like your portrayal of Gregor: he's not a villain. He's much more complicated then just some cartoonish bad guy, he's a man who is trying to fight to keep what small piece of the pie he has, despite the meddling of very dangerous, very influential groups and people. A very human reaction, I think.

+DB +VC

Shingo - Didn't see anything, but waiting on Ri to pop out a Fedorov turn so we can keep rolling the all 3. For what its worth, I like what you wrote.

Sen - Ri saw nothing, so . . .

 

[Divine Truth]

I suppose I could say: “I’M BAAAAAACK,” but I’m not sure I really am. At the very least I’m back to grading. So yeah…sorry about the unexplained absence. I’ve got some things going on IRL that have pretty much drained me mentally. That shouldn’t have kept me from at the very least saying, “hey gaiz, I’m gonna take some time off because my brain is melting in a pressure cooker,” but it did, so yeah, sorry again. Once I have grading out of the way I’ll try to catch up on turns I owe people…hopefully.

[Rob] 30 – Division Bonus
Hill of Skulls: [58/59]

-This seemed to be more of an introductory chapter than anything else. I’m curious to see where this goes.
-For the most part this chapter was pretty clean, though there were a couple instances where it felt as if there might have been a word left out. One in particular kinda confused me:

She had been, what… ten-some odd years at that time?

[Hiren] 30 – Division Bonus
My Friends Call Me Hadouken (Collab w/ Raph): [78/79]

-I laughed out loud when Lucia said “Ragequit!”
-This was a pretty entertaining collab that was cleanly written for the most part. I did notice a typo or two from both of you, but other than that good job.​

[Miho] 30 – Division Bonus
Bonds We Forge: Could We Be Enemies?: [50/53]

-You are continuing to improve with your writing but there are still some word confusion and sentence composition issues that need to be addressed.
-A sentence that stood out for me was the very first one of the chapter:

She was running fast and she was late.

As written, it kind of sounds as if the fact that she was running fast and that she was late were completely unrelated. Of course I know what you were trying to communicate here, but the sentence is a bit awkward nonetheless.
-Another thing to work on would be your word order. The following sentence is quite awkward but could be made better by simply playing with the order of words:

“Again late Anya?” asked her the teacher when she breathing heavily show up in the classroom doors.

“Late again, Anya?” the teacher asked when she showed up in the classroom doors breathing heavily.

Another case:

What a looser, not even be able to wake up enough early.

What a loser (I wasn’t sure if you put the extra ‘o’ in ‘loser’ because she was dragging the word out or not), not even able to wake up early enough.
In this case the word ‘be’ is extraneous so I removed it.

-There were many instances within this chapter that you used present and present progressive tense for words that should be in past tense. Here are some examples:

“Maybe you should wake up earlier to be on time,” he adds when the young student was walking toward her place.

Here, ‘adds’ should be ‘added.’

“Well don’t blame me if you end up mentally retarded,” she laughs and turning around walked away.

‘Laughs’ should be ‘laughed.’

-The chapter itself wasn’t bad, though occasionally things got a bit dry since the use of description got thin at times. As I mentioned in the past, don’t be afraid to use description to spice your writing up. You don’t want it to be: “this happened, then that happened.”
-‘Hair’ is another one of those irregular words. When describing a character’s hair (i.e. ‘the shinigami had blond hair’), just use ‘hair’ not ‘hairs.’ Really the only time that you would use ‘hairs’ would be to describe individual hairs or something (i.e. ‘there were a few stray hairs that lay upon the pillow’).​

[Belexar] 30 – Division Bonus
Consequences: [60/61]

-Consequences was spelled incorrectly (‘consecuences’) both in the thread title and at the beginning of the chapter.
-There were a couple of other typos sprinkled within the chapter, but other than that the things were pretty good. It looks like you’ve hit the ground running with your return. I look forward to seeing where this goes from here. Welcome back, by the way.​

[Raph] 30 – Division Bonus
My Friends Call Me Hadouken (Collab w/ Hiren): [78/79]

-I love seeing these types of polar opposites interact with each other. Deadpan vs. really quirky always makes for a good read.
-This was a pretty entertaining collab that was cleanly written for the most part. I did notice a typo or two from both of you, but other than that good job.​

Training With Arano (collab w/ Mewn)[114/114]

-Again, I lawled.
Arano: *kicks in the head*
Zakki: “NO ONE KICKS ME IN THE HEAD!!!!11”
Arano: *kicks in the head*
-Considering the points Arano made in describing their current situation, I can’t say that he was being too abusive. Better to go through hell in preparation than to actually find your way there permanently as a result of a lack thereof.​