Grading Session for Week 188

[Kaelos]

AH > 12th > 4th/7th > Cerb/Q > O > 11th > 1st/10th > 3rd > 8th/13th > AH

1st/10th = Mango
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dippy
8th/13th = Sene
11th = Lucy
12th = Harm
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moony
O = Zenny
​

Grades must be posted by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday night.​

 

[Kehengto]

Grading:

Orph Peeps: I saw nothing, if wrong PM me links

Wayne:
140 collab w/ switch Felt that the ending was missing even though it was heavily implied just kind of was.
116 chapter very nice wrap up to the series you've been taking
100 collab w/ criss last minute read, wish i could have spent more time for a deeper review.

Total: 356

My Grader: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48073-O-Week-188-The-Tournament

 

[lilmangoseed]

Hare – 90/92

I enjoy the training dynamic you have going on with Hiren. It’s really successful, and Haresuno is finally starting to think more creatively in battle. Reading this made me want to challenge you to another training match. Lilith would love to see how much Haresuno has grown since their last fight.

There were a few grammatical errors. Watch out for similar words that you tend to confuse: ‘lead’ vs ‘led’ and ‘parameter’ vs ‘perimeter.’

+75 Div
​

Finny – 78/79

A fun hollow battle that showcased the fun relationship between Picca and Supa. The dialogue at the end had me laughing—cute touch. I also have to applaud you for keeping Picca’s strength so modest. She’s strong enough to destroy some of our current captains, but you wrote her as a regular shinigami. Good deal since Picca's such a reserved character.

+75 Div
​

Van – 68/70

A decent chapter. I regret coming into the middle of this arc, but unfortunately, I have to say that it felt rather bland. I've always enjoyed your regal style of writing, but I'm afraid you told rather than showed in this chapter. Don't tell the reader what the tone is, but create the atmosphere through descriptions and imagery. Describe the feelings, don't say them outright.

Anyhoo, not bad. I'm interested to see where the rest of this plot goes. Maybe I'll bother you on AIM later so you can explain who Genmon is and whatnot.​

Note to everyone: I’m at Rangeley Lake in Maine… in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by moose and bears. I only get internet from the check-in lobby, which is a quarter mile away from our cabin. I may be slow with turns this week, so I apologize for that now.

And P.S. It’s easier for me if you guys could PM me your turns too. I can still read the forums from my phone, but google docs isn’t supported


Oh and NICO:
THIS IS FOR YOU TO GRADE: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48114-7th-10th-Week-188-Bound-Together-in-a-Dark-Room

thnx <3

 

[Kaelos]

The Twelfth is so popular, it scares me in way. Let’s give a warm stabbing to Fallacy, as he joins us this week!

To Tod and Mitsu, Tits will be grading the two of you this week.


Cad

These Bodies Grow Slowly: (82/85)

Whelp, welcome freaking back. It’s been some time, hasn’t it? I know that rl stuff had you hung up, restricting you from writing. This was a pretty well written, even though this took place during the Tokyo Invasion. Nothing major to mention as far as negatives, just a few proofreading issues that we all make every now and then.

+25 Division Bonus as a welcome back present.​

Kago

Surprising Revelation: (126/128)

It just had to be the people within a noble family who got bad intentions in mind. I’m certain that Kago will deal with his traitorous in-laws in due time. I’m glad that he regained his memory from that day in Tokyo. You made good use of Kumi to support the former captain, even if he tried to go out and do something stupid; a good friend indeed. Kudos to emerald-eyed noble Takimoto for producing a baby. I can’t believe that he and Sophia had beaten Makoto and Fumika to the punch.

+25 Division Bonus​

Tits

The Death of Akutagawa Soseki: (103/106)

That was one brutal way to end one’s life there. Like I said in chat, I will need to do a p-chap on that particular situation. The whole premise on the collab was good; no surprise that he would visit a strip club on his last day as shinigami. We do need to collab on it, once I fully pass my Taishuu. You had minor mistakes like ‘lose’ instead of ‘loose,’ ‘you instead of ‘your.’ Good content with your writing as always.

Night Falls on Castle Eckstein I (70/71)

Good writing here. Even though it was a fairly simple chapter, your smooth style of writing made it easy for me to fall into and enjoy. Good job in fleshing things out here. I wonder what will a group of Germans do once they open the gates of Hell. I do hope that it’s not too late for Soseki to stop such plans.

+100 VC Bonus for helping grade.​

Dragan

The Death of Akutagawa Soseki: (102/106)

Good job in playing off Soseki with Eiji in this one. I also in the end how he didn’t take the credit in ‘killing off’ a smuggling gang. While the turns flowed well, there were some issues. I noticed your using the word ‘laying’ twice in your turns. By rule, unless you are putting something on an object, then that word usage is incorrect. ‘Lying’ is the better choice. In your other turns, I think you meant ‘heard’ instead of ‘hard’ and ‘thought’ instead of ‘though.’ Proofreading your turn would’ve ironed those problems out. Nevertheless, the collab was a good read. We’ll need to collab off of this sometime soon.

Fare Thee Well: (107/110)

I liked the collab and its purpose it served. The collab was not without error though.

‘Dear god. I can’t believe that this guys still hasn’t figured out that this is not just regular training.’

-I think you meant to say guy.

'The young boy put both his index fingers in his mouth and whistled all the could.'

-Watch out adding extra letters to words.

‘I want to see how you take care of this,” he said and took a few steps back. “I want to bring that guy in for some questioning, so don’t try to hurt him to much.’

-To vs. too dilemma. I think you know who wins that battle.

‘Just as he had finally intercepted him, he noticed that he had pushed the perverted mans face into the ground and kept pressing it down.’

-You forgot to stick an apostrophe in that one.

Other than those nitpicks, I’m pleased with the collab. My advice is proofread during and before you publish the collab onto the boards. I’m guilty of that situation myself on numerous occasions.

+25 Division Bonus​

Fallacy

For The Love: (100/101)

Good work here in the first chapter; the story is a bit interesting. You had lot of conversation here, though sometimes it can take away from the quality of the writing. I will not dock points here, just be careful later on when you write other pieces of work. The second chapter was good, only saw small errors like zanpakutous. No need to put the ‘s’ there since the word is consider a singular plural like shinigami.

Fare Thee Well: (108/110)

You did nicely in the collab, though I feel bad for Raphael in getting knocked out. Kudos in saying in-character throughout. No need to add the ‘s’ in the for shinigami. See above for explanation. ‘It’s’ is more of a contraction than a possessive, so ‘its’ works better. Also, wonderful job in playing the hollow in the collab. I was impressed.

As the new member of HD, I'm going to award you 25 Division Bonus to goes to Reiatsu and not Connection. After you distribute the points, you then apply the newb bonus (1.1 x stat) to each respective stat, including connection. The newb bonus only applies to your stats for the next two weeks and you have to write at least 1000 words to qualify for it. Also, rounding rules apply. Remember, Zanjutsu + Hakuda + Hohou + Kidou = Reiatsu. If you have any questions as to how it works, feel free to PM me. Our division color is Red.​

Dippy

So Appalled pt. III: (54/54)

Poor Fukima and her fear of spiders. On a serious note, Makoto will be in some serious once he sees his mother. I noticed a slight mistake towards the end, but nothing really noteworthy. I always loved writing, especially when it involves the noble family.​

 

[Divine Truth]

[Rob] 30 – Division Bonus
Mari-tan vs. That Weird Guy (Collab w/ Mewn): [51/52]

-I was starting to think you’d forgotten about Mari-tan (unless of course you wrote about her while I wasn’t grading…). So it’s good to see that Kaede is still helping to develop her socially.
-Oh boy, a pompous, vindictive noble. This should make for some good times when this collab continues. I would love for Yoji to attempt to make good on his promise for heads to roll at the Forth.
-There were a couple typos, some things that word probably wouldn’t catch like the use of a correctly spelt but incorrect word.​

[Hiren] 30 – Division Bonus
DOOOOODGE (Collab w/ Hare): [91/92]

-So is “let’s get dangerous” Haresuno’s catch phrase or something? This is at least the second or third time I’ve seen the phrase used. /random /justwondering
-Randomness aside, I liked the interaction between Lucia and Hare. Her unorthodox nature seems to be quite effective in getting Haresuno to not be quite so linear in battle.
-The collab was really well written, though there was an instance or two where the wrong word was used accidentally (through instead of throw, etc.).​

[Miho] 30 – Division Bonus
Bonds We Forge pt. II: Value of the Friendship: [53/55]

-Though there were still some of the same issues that have been mentioned in past grading sessions, and as you warned me there were some proofreading issues, this was still probably one of the better written chapters I’ve read from you.
-As mentioned last week, try to watch your word order. There were fewer instances in this chapter, but there were some awkwardly worded sentences that could be made much better by reordering them. Here is an example:

After a few minutes they stopped near the main door of the building. Kaneda walked closer to a little shorter than he white haired man with golden eyes. When she walked to them he introduced them to each other.

After a few minutes they stopped near the main door of the building. Kaneda walked closer to a white haired man with golden eyes that stood a little shorter than him. When she walked to them he introduced them to each other.

[Ish + Belexar] 30 (each) – Division Bonus
Filling In the Blanks (collab): [57/58]

-This was a quick recount of the events that led up to the failure of the prison revolt. In such cases, quick is good.
-There were some typos scattered throughout so you might want to give your turns a quick once over to make sure everything is clean.​

[Ish...again]

Bound Together In a Dark Room (collab w/ Lil): [156/157]

-Where is Agapito Martelli when there’s an actual “romantic” scandal brewing? This was definitely an entertaining collab to say the least. There was plenty of teasing, flirting, wandering hands, and a bit of sparring to boot.
-I really enjoyed reading this collab but please, please for the love of God…SPELL CHECK! I know you’re the King of Typo to Stephie’s (retired) Queen, but yeah, spell check.​

[Mewn]
I Object! (collab w/ Tod): [89/89]

-Well that certainly was one hell of a wedding. Your turns were clean for the most part and they flowed well so take full points.​

Flight of Fancy (collab w/ Unholy and Tod): [119/121]

-For some reason the thing that stood out most (at least at first) was Tod’s use of gender neutral invented pronouns. At first I thought ‘hir’ was a typo and ‘ze’ was a name (the first instance was capitalized) until they both began to occur way more than a simple mistake would allow for. Considering I had to look these things up and discover their meaning/use, I wouldn’t say that they are advisable within RP writing unless you’re writing some hyper-politically correct legal statement, feminist literature, or at the very least you use them sparingly. Using it in the context of general description really just made Jamie’s turns quite confusing and repetitive, especially since there were very few other labels used for ‘hir’ other than and ‘ze’ and occasionally 'soul reaper wannabe.' Though I will say that it was a nice touch that hir men seem to be just as confused as I was. Also, instances of ‘ze’ were oddly capitalized throughout. Sometimes it was not capitalized at the beginning of sentences and other times it was randomly capitalized within a sentence.
-Outside of the huge invented pronoun rant, there were a few typos scattered here and there. I know proofreading becomes a pain when collabs get long, but alas it is a necessary evil.
-One thing I’m curious about is how was it missed that Jamie was still alive? I would think that (especially when it comes to advents) you would still might want to check for vitals even if he/she/it just got hit by a truck. I’m not saying it would be impossible to fool someone checking for a pulse, but more so pointing out a slight plot disconnect since ze subsequently hopped out of the morgue freezer like nothing ever happened aside of a bout of amnesia.​

 

[Wayne]

Albino - Commence Battle, Part 1

Yeah, this is def the stuff I like reading the most. You portrayed the fights really well and even though you were RP'ing four characters fighting at the same time, you've managed to balance out each of them as they fought. Good job. I also personally commend your baddies here; the name 'Aspects' alone just sounded really cool. I know you probably know this already, but as a reminder, don't make them too strong. Ceros are restricted to the Menos subclass (MG, Gillian, Adjuchas, and VL) and regular Hollows can't perform it, so be careful treading that route. High-ranked officers may get involved in the issue, but if two or more Captains are needed to take em out, we're getting ourselves into PM territory. Lastly, a few minor errors--mostly punctuations, but nothing too serious. Again, good chapter.

Grade: 247/252

On a separate note, Willy needs to give Kyu some of that kush he's smokin. Lol.

Fan - An Empty Throne Room

I really can't comment on our collab without any personal bias, but from my standpoint, you played it off very well. I was expecting some sort of mild jealousy from Ryoujin at the beginning, but the way he supported Kyu's lil position shift was handled like a true homie, haha. I also liked how you voiced your opinion on Tsubaki's absence. It sounded mature and opinionated while still feeling like it came from Ryou. Take whatever grade Zenny gives me.


Switch - Missing In Action

Again, there's a little bias when I'm commenting on your work that I'm involved with. All I can say is that Amaya will be in some deep shat once she returns. While I do admire her motivation of following her heart and hunting after Blake, it's still dereliction of duty to abandon the battlefield in search of a single target especially during times of crisis, i.e. Plot Missions. Plus, the fact that she's Third Seat only makes it worse. I trust you'll handle her fate befittingly once the whole arc is over. Consequences aside, her interaction with Nuriko was great and we manage to see the more playful side to Amaya that hasn't surfaced in a while. Like Shun, take what grade Zen gives me.


Guest Grade: Mango - Bound Together in a Dark Room

The title alone gave me an idea on where this thing was headed off too. My initial impression was '' with all the sexual innuendos in the air, but at least it was a good chapter. The flow and pace was steady and your interaction with Ishin was... great? Lilith carried herself coolly as usual, and I liked the description and involvement of the inner workings of the Seventh's prisons. That actually got me fascinated even more. Good read, Lexi.

Grade: 152/152


Albino gets 50 Div Bonus
Fan, Switch, and Alex get 30. Hurr durr.


To Zenny:

Pchap
Collab with Shun
Collab with Switch

 

[tminus31]

[Harm]

Cloudy Future - [259/265] + 150 Div Bonus

That's all from me folks, holler if I missed aything. Tom out.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Did not see anything from 8th, 13th, or Tom. If I am mistaken please PM me links. Tank you.

 

[Eidolon]

3rd division "Swoosh" breakdown

Ri - 129/130; I noticed a formatting error or two in this, but grammar was fine. I liked this stand alone tale for many reasons. That reiatsu wasn't the big player in the fight, that there are dangerous people out there that aren't shinigami, and lastly that the actions of those in the Ivory Towers earn enemies. A 'real' feel to a fantastic world. Nice. +VC, +150 DB

Shingo - I'm hitting Garg till he posts in the all 3rd, good work, and we should have this done by week's end.

Sen - Garg tells me there's no writing from you this week, again. :/

Note: Missions will be added to the third roster soon, thanks to Garg.

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Grading time!

Okay, so I’ve got two freaking term papers to write so forgive me if my grading seems rather disjointed and out of sorts tonight.

Mitsu
Rata Tonta-
Your writing is improving which is always a good thing whether you came out of your mother’s womb speaking Shakespearian limericks or whether you’re working at it day by day. That being said, you still do have a couple of problems here or there that need to be ironed out.

Take for example, this excerpt:

Jumping after Tod in the pit black hole, he waited a minute for his eyes to accustom to the dark. After that he moved through the tunnel trying to catch up with Tod, unfortunately he bumped against the walls sometimes and it was hard for him to not fall down.

The second use of Tod in the paragraph seems rather redundant and clunky. I’d recommend using another descriptor instead to improve the flow. Your writing is fraught with such lapses that I’m sure will be easily correctable over time.

[48/52]

Tod
Rata Tonta-
Same goes for you. Your writing is getting better and will continue to do so as long as you write. That being said, it is still choppy and unnatural in places, take for example, the very last sentence of this collab.

Then they began walking back towards the gate to soul society, the short soul reaper not ready to make a report but also needing to get back home to clean up first.

While there is nothing super wrong with that sentence, it reads like a drunken man stumbling down the stairs of his third floor apartment. Clean stuff like that up and you’ll be good as gravy.

There were a few typos as well.

[49/52]

Flight of Fancy
While I applaud the stylistic choice of writing certain words out phonetically for your part, things got a bit dicey with a few random capitalization errors in inopportune moments. Proofread proofread proofread. It’ll clear up a lot of the simple mistakes that you’re making in your writing right now.

“Yes captain!” all of Hir men yelled at the top of their lungs. some were shivering with their suppressed urge to vomit, while others were trying not to show too much fear to their leader.

You used a capital letter somewhere you shouldn’t have and didn’t use one at the start of a sentence. This happens almost everywhere in your writing! Yeah. You know better than that.

[116/121]

I Object
Not necessarily a complaint as much as a comment but you seemed to like using sounds a lot here.

Tod growled as the giant hollow slashed at him with it’s four long whip-like tentacles coming out of it’s back. It growled angrily, growing angrier and angrier as it’s prey evaded it. It jumped forward, giant fox-like mouth opening wide to take him in. The soul reaper growled as he dodged to the side, but one of the tentacles grabbed him as the monster went over the edge of the skyscraper’s roof and went falling into air.

Tod screamed as he was dragged down as well, then groaned as the hollow landed with a loud thump in the middle of a wedding. The soul reaper had landed on the monsters belly and then bounced off and rolled ready and waiting for the thing to get up and try to attack him. The monster groaned, then rolled up as it got ready for another attack.

The short assassin looked around as he saw a crowd of humans gathering around the giant crater he and the hollow had made. Then he noticed, out of all the people there, there were two who were looking directly at him. The tracker instantly recognized one, who seemed to have a disapproving scowl on his face, and the other seemed angry at the disruption.

Suddenly he was hit with a tentacle and sent flying into a nearby tree, which exploded under the impact of Tod’s body hitting it. He rolled a few feet, then came to a stop. The tracker got up with a groan, ready to fight this damned hollow and kill it already.

Seven sound doohickeys in one four paragraph blocks seems a little excessive but it’s not something I’ll dock points from you for because it’s more hilarious than wrong.

Once again, proofread. Make you a better writer it will.

[83/88]

And the Horse you Rode in On
Once again. Proofread. Proper punctuation is your friend. This is a complete thought (insert period here). Start a new thought after that. J

Content of your chapter itself wasn’t bad. However, your capitalization troubles really do wind up looking like a black eye on your chapter. I’m assuming Mist Fox and Widow Maker (Widowmaker?) are both names, in which case the full name (both words) needs to capitalized.

Proofread.

[115/123]

25 div bonus. Use well.


Tits out.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Well I think I missed the grading deadline so...I will take whatever punishment is forthcoming for it :s. All I can say is distraction ftw.

Unholy: Kuha Shorts (200/209)

Well first of all I must say that Ota does get involved in random fights and things but I guess with the other two stories there is some context. The biggest problem with this chapter and the one that lead to me deducting nine points was all of the missed capitalizations and proofreading errors. Otherwise it wasn't a badly written look into Ota Kuhari's life. Also take all of the div. bonus this week.

Zenny: The Tournament (107/107)

All I can say is that scary Aragon is scary! This was a well written, entertaining and enjoyable chapter that I really can't dock any points on. Good work!