Grading Session for Week 189

[Kaelos]

AH > 12th > 4th/7th > Cerb/Q > O > 11th > 1st/10th > 3rd > 8th/13th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dippy
8th/13th = Sene
11th = Lucy
12th = Harm
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moony
O = Zenny
​

Grades must be posted by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday night.​

 

[Kaelos]

Nice Doggy... BIIIG Doggy...

I’m going to do something different here since the entire collab went to six pages long. *stares at Drag, Mitsu and Tod*

Good job in making the Mama Wolf angry like hell. Looks like you guys will have a tough final round on your hands. This actually went pretty smoothly, so I gotta say, great job to everyone in this.

Tod: Keep improving on your writing. You still suffer from random capitalization errors still and as well as punctuation mishaps. Proofread my friend. On the plus side, you’re doing better with descriptors to improve flow.

Mitsu: Errors were sprinkled around in your turns good sir. Punctuation errors and missing words/letters that made some sentences quite hard to finish reading at times. I get the feeling that you rushed your turns way too much; a lot more proofreading should have been done here. There were odd spacing of the paragraphs at times from you. You tend to jump from past tense to present tense randomly during the course of a single sentence. That tends to not only create errors but it makes it confusing for the reader. Also, try to stick with one color when you post, especially when it’s with one character.

Drag: As far as I could tell there were no errors, and each turn I kept finding myself wanting to see what Eiji would do next. *thumps up*

Drag: (136/136)
Mitsu: (79/85)
Tod: (119/122)



Tits

Night Falls on Castle Eckstein II : (133/133)

No complaints here, man. The chapter flowed very well even though there wasn’t much of Soseki in there. I’m assume that the identity of the Eternal Sleeper will revealed in future chapters. As such, I have no qualms about giving you full points for this one.



Mitsu

The Strange Researches: (49/54)

It was a fine collab between you and Miho, but there errors continued to linger. You had tense and punctuation errors where a proofread or two would sort that out. I also noticed a few letters missing here and there, but those are just small mistakes that are easily fixable.


Edit: I knew I forgot something.

Cad

The Predator and The Prey: (29/30)

Cannot say much about this since it was a short chapter, but it was good to see him alive in the Dangai. Hopefully the two transgressors can make amends. With you moving though, that might have to wait a bit. I noticed two spelling errors, but the writing was good.


Dippy

So Appalled pt. IV: (66/66)

I’m disappointed that Makoto’s regal mother didn’t give it to him once time for not informing her about the wedding that has now moved ahead per the request of his fiancée. I’m sure there had to be suffice reasoning for it. Let’s us there peace between now and wedding day.


Div Bonuses

Tits and Drag take 38 Division Bonus
Tod and Mits take 37 Division Bonus

 

[Nekomata]

Hello, First and Tenth! This is your friendly neighborhood VC (one of them, anyway) helping Will out with grading this week, since somebody did a 10k collab. I'm grading Grif, Lil, and Finny; everyone else gets the bossman.


Grif - 80/82
Awesome fight scene! Combat collabs aren't my favorite, but this one has that elusive spark of adrenaline that's missing from a lot of the fights I read. Nice give and take from both you and Sev damage-wise. I couldn't really see Roland in my mind's eye, though. I figured out that he's an bald old man with a gun and a bad leg, but that's about it. Give the reader more description next time, especially with an NPC. I'm docking you a couple points for that and for punctuation errors such as the following:

“No matter.” The bald agent muttered to himself, turning back to start to leave the building, “It was just a wish, anyway. and you know what they say.

Make the first period into a comma and don't capitalize 'the'. I saw this particular mistake a couple times.

+25 div bonus

Haters Gon' Hate (1636)


Lil - 86/87

Does this mean you'll be taking your taishuu soon? Lilith is such a friendly sort of person. I like to see her making the effort to get Picca out of her shell. Her reaction to the fact that Picca has been selling pictures of her was spot on! Overall, a sweet and funny collab. Taking off a point for some awkward phrasing here and there.

Picturesque (1738)


Finny - 165/166

Both collabs this week really helped the reader get a look at what makes Picca tick. This kind of writing is what turns a bunch of numbers into a person. Yay for character development!

First, your collab with Lil. See my comments to her; it's nice to see Picca respond to Lilith's friendly overtures. Now that she's seen someone react to the fact that she's being photographed against her will, it'll be interesting to see what our resident shutterbug does with that knowledge.

Congrats on your promotion to Fourth Seat! Now Ilsa has someone reasonably high-ranking to dump paperwork on. XD Joking aside, this was another enjoyable read. Sayis knows just how to handle each of his subordinates, doesn't he? Picca's borderline PTSD and fear of Hollows is an unusual twist on a shinigami character, but logical given how much fighting the Gotei has seen in the last few years. I look forward to seeing how she'll handle her new responsibilities.

Unfortunately, you keep forgetting to capitalize things like 'Rukongai' and 'First' (when referring to the division). And you misspelled 'Picturesque' in the thread title.

+50 div bonus

Picturesque (1738)
I See What You Did There (1582)

(Note to Finny: The Cure's 'Pictures of You' started playing when I started writing your grades. Cracked. Me. Up. )

 

[tminus31]

Morning peeps, I'll start in a moment but have a quick notice. I will NOT be around next week don't send any links to me as they will not be read. Wack/Shrub, if either of you write next week, one of you grade. If not, just skip me in the rotation. That said...

[Wack]

Butcher Shop III - Odd, I swear this is part 4, not part 3. Interesting bridge chapter, no major errors bar a spacing one at the end [60/61] + 100 Div Bonus​

[Harm]

Consequences - Not really much I can say, you interacted well with events and did your piece. One notable error: 'successfully' where you meant to have 'successful' [13/14]

Restless Morning - Interesting clash, good job working the fight [103/103] + 50 Div Bonus​

That's all from me folks, holler if I missed anything. Remember I'm not around next week. Tom out.

 

[Wayne]

Last week of school. F*ckit syndrome is at an all time high. T'is all.

Albino - The Battle Continues... Or Begins... I Dunno

If you ask for faith, then faith ye shall receive. Like with any other grader, it's expected that I'm gonna take careful note of how you handle these baddies. So far, I see nothing worth concerning about. Anywho, your story is again, a cool read. I did get a little confused on the phases in between the chapter since I haven't really read most of your past works, but generally, the gist of the plot is understandable. For future reference, if your reader is new and you're introducing something from past chapters, I suggest making a little note or something just to summarize what happened. Doesn't have to be elaborate, but just to give your audience a sense of what happened before that coincides with the present story. A few minor errors here and there, but once more, nothing a quick scan can't help.

Grade: 160/162 + 50 Division Bonus


Shun - The Return

Not much to say here really. These mid-plot scenes tend to be just standard stuff, but still vital to the plot nonetheless. Your portrayal of your zan spirit is noteworthy, especially on how he criticizes/examines Ryou whilst in disguise. I can already tell he's gonna be the hard-ass mentor type. I would suggest you speed up your pace a little bit though, but that's just me. All in all, a pretty good read.

Grade: 65/65 + 25 Division Bonus


Guest Grade: Will - I See What You Did There

A Captain-class Fourth Seat. Now I know I've seen everything. I've said this before, but Sayis' interaction with his subordinates is just something. He always comes off as the chill intellectual most of the time I read your chapters. This new observatory tower is also an attention-grabber. Hope to see it used in future plots, particularly in PMs or something. A rather entertaining read, Villiam.

Grade: 77/77 + 25 Division Bonus

To my dearest grader, Zenny:

http://www.bleachforums.com/showthr...s-Not-Resonate-With-The-Weight-On-My-Shoulder

Have fun, brah.

 

[Several Zombies]

Nobody from Orpheus wrote! I am disappoint.

Criss:

tl;dr

Just kidding. This was an interesting, albeit ridiculously verbose collab between you and hare. The rapport between Haresuno and Kyuketsu was interesting to say the least. The added gravitas of Kyuketsu now ascending to Acting Captain while Haresuno himself is still reaching for a similar position created an interesting air of competition and apprehensiveness in your dialogue. The spar seemed kind of out of the blue. I'm not too familiar with Haresuno as a character -- having only tried to kill him once in the past -- so I don't know if he's usually so forward about these kinds of things >.>;; Regardless, it seemed rather abrupt, but Kyuketsu didn't lose stride. The fight itself was well written, if a little bland. I think I'm becoming complacent reading the same routine fights over and over again, so don't take that personally. In as far as quality, there was nothing earth-shattering here -- it was all up to your usual, high standard. An awkward sentence here and there, but nothing worth noting. All in all I found it to be an enjoyable read; though I'm rather removed from the happenings of SS. Hopefully the significance of this fight wasn't lost on me.

For your hard work, you get 248 points, plus 150 division bonus. Enjoy.

To my grader:
http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48193-10-O-Week-189-Haters-gon-Hate

Sev out!

 

[swaswj]

Lin - 146/146

This was a fun read. You do rather well with character interaction using npcs, and I like that you always seem to stay true to weaknesses and faults. And pain.

Not sure what to think about guitarm. It made me think of Vash's gun-arm, haha.

100 VC Bonus

One More for a Quartet (2926) 146/146​

Hare - 250/252

I'm glad to see Haresuno acting seriously and confidently. It needs to be noted, though: Haresuno is not VC of the First. He's still VC of the Tenth (or former VC, if you prefer), but Sayis would block him from VC of the First to push him toward his taishuu.

The fight and conversation was long, but good. It hit the right note between action and discussion, something 11thers have notorious difficulty with. Although... Wayne... don't interrupt an incantation with a speech longer than the incantation.

Excellent use of Ei Wo Toru, though.

Great fight, great use of kidou. Nice job with the electrical arc, Hare.

75 Div Bonus

My Blade (10073) 250/252​

Van - 58/58

Although I laugh at the image of Theron speaking with open palms like a prophet or messiah, when actually read as it was intended to be read, the brief meeting came off well.

Dangai, though. It may seem small, but Dongai gives a whole other impression.

Consequences of Choice (1151) 58/58​

 

[Divine Truth]

Just a quick note: Miho, excuse the formatting with the quotes. For some reason when I transfered between Word and the forum text editor random quote tags get used in some places where I used strike through in Word. I've already gone through several rounds of editing format and it keeps replacing the tags I remove so I've had enough for one night. @_@

[Rawb] 50 - Division Bonus
Scars: [56/56]
-As interrogations go, this one was pretty painless. It helps to have a combination of a pretty solid alibi and a really sloppy frame job by the unknown bad guy.

[Miho] 50 - Division Bonus
In the House (Collab w/ Thread): [65/70]
-Right out of the gate there were a good bit of issues. Your use of indefinite articles, pronouns, and your tenses is still spotty. Also, you might want to take a look at the following link and read up on word order in English sentences. [Link] It should help with some of the awkward wording that happens from time to time in your writing.
-Beneath the spoiler tag are a few passages from your turns, (corrections and notes/explanations are in red):

Anya was standing next to the reception [desk] when she heard some noise coming from outside. She didn’t pay too much attention to it, as always was here a steady steam of people going in and out of the hospital [strike]turned to corridor leading deeper into the building[/strike] [I didn’t really understand what you were trying to communicate with this part of the sentence]. But then Kumiho heard the sound of a body hitting the floor. Looking back she [strike]find[/strike]found a woman [strike]with[/strike] heavily wounded on the left part [or ‘side’] her of body. [strike]Even[/strike]Most of the clothes were messing [strike]here[/strike]there revealing the whole scale of damage that her body sustained. Putting aside the cards she [strike]hold[/strike]held, she rushed to the other shinigami and checked carefully [or ‘carefully checked’] her current state.

“Call someone to bring [strike]here[/strike]her to [strike]the[/strike][since you are referring to a specific room ‘the’ isn’t really necessary here] room number thirteen,” said to the nurse that stopped by them.

“Hold on. We won’t let you die here,” Anya said with a much lower voice to the unconsciousness woman.

Within the next fifteen minutes, Anya managed to transport her to the room and perform base procedures to keep her alive. Then she got approval from her supervisor to take care of this case, [strike]and[/strike] so she [strike]was sitting[/strike]sat in the corner of the room waiting [strike]till[/strike]until [‘til’ is fine to use in the context of speech within your writing, but outside of that its best to use ‘until.’] her newest patient regained consciousness.

“Well the words of gratitude for taking [‘bringing’ probably would be better here] you here shouldn’t be pointed toward me but to that strong male healer that helped me,” slowly with a calm voice said Anya. “[strike]I’m[/strike]I just helped heal most of your wounds and take care of providing you with all needed to recover when you [strike]fall at the floor[/strike] fainted/passed out [using ‘fainted’ or ‘passed out’ in this situation would be much more efficient and flows better] in the entrance hall.”[/COLOR]

Before replying Kumiho [strike]strike]coughs[/strike] coughed because of the gas that was spreading around her.[/COLOR]

“Does it look like I [strike]could[/strike] can move? We’re [or ‘we are’] both stuck in our cages,” she said trying it to sound like a joke. “I hope you [strike]don’t[/strike] aren’t [or ‘are not’] touching your cage right now.”

“The forbidden tower devours nine stars. The eye of the heavenly god cries. Hadou #26, Kaminari.” [strike]finishing spell Anya caused to appear over other female cage an electric orb that instantly shot lighting downward.[/strike] [This part of the sentence was a bit awkward and needs rewording, perhaps as a sentence of its own. Here’s what could be done with it: As Anya finished the spell an electric orb appeared over the other caged female, instantly it shot lightning downward.]

“Check,” she said when the lighting hit the steel cage.

Anya let out a short cry of pain when the gas surrounding her burst into flames. But [strike]it[/strike] there was a good side to such turn of events as the fire with ease destroyed the cage that was binding her. The bad side was that the same flames burned her clothes and [strike]skins[/strike] skin [when you’re referring to skin on someone’s body there’s no need to make it plural] at the same time.

“You also are good at kidou,” remarked Kumiho crouching on one knee.

Part of her right sleeve and glove was burned revealing her arm from the hand to the shoulder. The headband that was covering the medic’s ears also [strike]fall[/strike] fell prey to the all consuming fire revealing them to the world. The female healer reached with her left hand to them and with relief felt that they were all right. Looking at her legs she noticed that left part of clothes was also missing revealing part of her leg.

“Such a nasty spell when you’re [strike]binds[/strike]bound in place,” commented the female medic standing up and turning to the spellsword.

“Looks like you [strike]bet[/strike]beat me today.”

The female medic after moment of hesitation accepted help with standing up. [This sentence is also slightly awkward. It would read a bit better as: ‘After a moment of hesitation the female medic accepted help with standing up.’]

“I could stand up by myself but thank you for your help,” she looked at the other woman. “I hope you keep some [strike]think[/strike]things you see here for to yourself.”

“Despite [strike]been[/strike] being quite tolerant, Soul Society still does not [strike]accepted[/strike]accept all kinds of deformities that we shinigami could have,” said Anya turning away from Shizuka and unwrapping [remember to keep your tenses consistent within scentences] the bandage that was making her chest smaller [strike]that[/strike] than it was. Then afterward she [strike]divides[/strike]divided it into half and proceeded to wrap it around her right forearm and head.

“I think I must talk with Haijme about some fireproof underwear,” she said turning back to the spellsword shinigami.

-Now with that out of the way…wait, so we duel our patients shortly after releasing them from the hospital? That’s a bit counterproductive don’t you think? I’m not saying you’re not allowed to do it, I’m just saying…
Nice Doggy( bounty collab): [101/106]
-There were some of the same issues going on here, so I won’t go as in depth but I will pick out some things that stand out.

The kid after longer run stopped before the huge building, well for someone of his height it was pretty big, that had insignia of Fourth division over the main doors. [This sentence was awkward and a bit of a run-on. First, I would remove the part about the building being pretty big ‘for someone of his height.’ Unless you’re speaking of a giant, a building is going to be pretty big for someone of any height so it’s kinda pointless to make the comparison. With what is left, a bit of rewording is in order:

‘After a long run, the kid stopped before the huge building that had the insignia of the Fourth Division over the main door.’] A little unsure, the youngster walked inside stopping before the reception desk. Looking a little bit upward on the woman sitting behind he asked: “Where can I find Anya Kumiho?”

Hmm at least it could be some distraction [strike]form[/strike]from [strike]monotone[/strike] monotonous [‘monotone’ refers to an unchanging tone (whether color, sound, or some other similar quality), ‘monotonous’ refers to something repetitious and uninteresting, A.K.A boring. Monotonous can be use to describe a style of speech synonymous to monotone, but it doesn’t work quite as well in reverse in my opinion.] work here

A few hollows with almost identical reiatsu? It’s a quite interesting situation. [/strike]Do[/strike]Did those shinigami [strike]send[/strike]sent before us take this fact too lightly or they realize [strike]it’s[/strike] it too late, she was pondering while unsheathing her sword at the same time.

Trying to locate [strike]exactly[/strike][‘exactly’ seems a bit unnecessary here] all six hollows, her senses [strike]become[/strike]became overwhelmed by the sheer sensation [strike]of been in mostly untouched by civilization place.[/strike] [The end of this sentence needs rewording, but I wasn’t really sure what you were going for here so I don’t really have any suggestions.] That intoxicated her for a longer moment leaving open for the surprise attack.

With [strike]easy[/strike] ease she found all of the hollow signatures. But almost all of them were in constant [strike]move[/strike]motion. They were jumping from shadowy places at the rest of her team mainly trying to get to Tod. Every time he managed to cut down one it just disappeared [strike]that[/strike] was looking like it was killed. But [strike]Anya felt every time[/strike] every time Anya felt a very slim power surge going back to main hollow.

“I know it’s hard but I can’t cast any binding when that thing is always using [strike]all the time[/strike] shadows to perform its attacks at on us. If you want I could try to cast it when it lurks but I won’t promise it will bind him properly,” Kumiho whispered to Eiji during the time the healing spell was active.

You proposssed a quite devilisssh idea. CCCassst a kidou on the enemy that’sss hiding [strike]into[/strike]in the ssshadowsss. How [strike]did[/strike] do you plan to do it? Asked her a spirit.

If he wanted me to try this I would simply rely on my reiatsu sense to cast it, not eyes. It didn’t attack me directly so [strike]it’s[/strike] there’s a high chance it won’t be alarmed by my [strike]try[/strike] attempt to immobilize it, replied the medic.

-It sucks that the hollow got away, but you guys will be better prepared next time.

The Strange Researches (collab w/ Mitsu): [50/54]
-Continue to work on keeping your tenses consistent within your sentences. There are still instances where you switch from past tense to present/present progressive.
-I’ve started to notice a pattern that you use ‘my’ when what you mean is ‘me’.

I didn't see anything from the Seventh members or from my guest. If I've missed things [strike]too bad because you should have PM'd them to me in the first place[/strike] just shout.


Edit: Apparently Mewn is grading in Raph's place, so....

[Mewn]
Nice Doggy...BIIIG Doggy: [77/78]
-Mother Wolf was well played. There was an error or two that stood out, but otherwise good stuff.

 

[Eidolon]

3rd division "Down the hatch" Breakdown; I have the Kan to spare, so I'll pop a c-bonus on this.

Ri - Consequences - 90/90; You know me, I like to the point, mission accomplished collabs. I think everyone's turns meshed well, and you were moving between Ri (who was not the major figure here) and Venke (who was the important role this time) well. Good balancing, and good patience in letting the right sequence of posts happen to keep things fluid. (I'll assign your boni when its all hashed out)

Silence - 57/57; A very good pchap, it had all the gloom about it necessary to create the story of this pitiful soul. Assuming he's not about to do something foul to our damsel in distress, as it were, I really hope he avoids getting in trouble when trouble comes knocking. +50 DB +VC

Shingo - 152/152 ; Have I mentioned that your writing has done an amazing transition? Pretty much all of the choppiness and fuzziness in the writing has vanished, and I feel I have a very good read on Shingo as a person. When in a tough situation, you get a read on some of his strengths and flaws, and that's a good thing, as they aren't simply laid out to pick at either. Good work. +100 DB

Sen - / ; Ri says nada.

Note: Next collab should get fired up. Ig, you should probably start it, or Shingo/Ri/Amanda can start with a hop through to Hueco Mondo. I'll slip in to keep you guys entertained, if need be.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Notes: Firstly, yes I am still in pain, not too much though . Secondly... I AM BACK *squeeeeeeeeeeeeee* finally got my computer back today 360 bucks latert u_u but its here! I shall post turns in collabs tonight, by latest tomorrow. Time to get back into action and I am in a comfy computer chair that does not hurt me back like the other one does. Now down to bzns...

Thread

In the House: (65/71)

I found this episode to be a bit counterproductive on the medic's part. A fight after leaving the hospital? I mean it is possible, but eh. My real concerns were some proofreading needed to be done *pops thread's knuckles with a ruler* there were times where you added words and punctuation that were unnecessary. There was also a bit of a pet peeve I need to address with this type of collab when kidou is involved. The spell chanting with no reaction was unrealistic in a couple of those turns. If you are going to fight someone with kidou make sure to add realistic maneuvers that buy you the time to fully incant a spell, otherwise it looks like you are both standing there waiting for the spell to be fully incanted, in some situations that would work, but not in the type of collab/spar you two were gearing toward.

You can take 25 Division Bonus.

If I missed anything, please PM me.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Gdi i need links people! Links!

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Sev: Haters Gon' Hate (82/82)

All I can say is great work! I have no words other than yay for win! It is an excellent and well done klab that has a nice flow to it. You and Griff write in a way that is lulzy and frankly you didn't miss on punctuation/spelling.

Val: Explosive Migraine (370/378)

This was one epic and magical internal fight and you kept the pacing up beautifully. I felt totally compelled to see how this would end and I like how the suspense was drawn out to the end. The only deduction I made was for a few proof-reading errors and also just because if you haven't followed this arc as a reader, it can be confusing. Otherwise great work!