Grading Session for Week 190

[Kaelos]

New June rotation:

Note: With Tom out for this week and no writing from the AH faction, the 11th grader will grade the 8th/13th grader.

AH > 8th/13th > Cerb/Q > 1st/10th > 4th/7th > O > 3rd > 12th > 11th > AH

1st/10th = Mango
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dippy
8th/13th = Sene
11th = Lucy
12th = Harm
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moony
O = Zenny
​

Grades must be posted by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday night.​

 

[Wayne]

Early grades? Sure, why the hell not.

Shun - Battle For The 45th!

Pretty good flow here. Great job on being the alpha too in leading/working with Eiji despite the ridiculous power gap between you and him... and the Hollow. It was a quick and easy read, and I didn't see any major mistakes. On that note, 'facepalm' isn't an official grammatical word, and while sounding workable as a verb, let's try and be scholastic here, haha. GrammerNaziCris aside, good job.

Grade: 114/114 + 50/50 (Silence is Silver) + 50 Division Bonar

Thnx for teh link brosef stalin.



Guest Grade: Sene - Situational Training & Beach Adventures! Ep. 3 - Snorkeling Fun (Oh god...)

The collabo with Shadowthreader was a pretty standard read. Vice-Captain teaching a subordinate a division tech and all that jazz. I noticed you spell Vice-Captain differently at times, one simply being 'vice captain' without the dash. Either way works just fine really, but yeah. Great work with Seitaro's tutoring too.

...Now onto the second chapter with Mango and Lin. Yeah, I really can't put any real comments on this one. It was a pretty entertaining read, but this kind of genre just isn't my thing. The interaction between the trio was amusing, and Temaru's personality is well... fluffy. No mistakes here, and it went on smoothly.

Grade: 174/174 + 50 Division Bonus




To my new grader, whoever the hell you are:

http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48245-11th-Week-190-Seeping-Venom

 

[Code of the Noble]

Notes: Once the intro collabs are finished up I will most likely do an All Eighth collab, which will most likely be open to PC's and NPC's. Sort of a get to know one another and some other stuff that I am not yet revealing :3.

Thready

Situational Training: (65/72)

On this one I wanted to comb over this with you before posting for this week, but you said to go ahead and post and we can go over it later. You portray Shizuka as her persona dictates, that I applaud you for. However, there were a lot of the same errors that I have pointed out in the past with your writing, such as unnecessary words and punctuation. When you have time I would like to chat with you over aim and point them out to you. Starting next week I will go back to my old method of quoting and correcting in hopes of pointing out some of these errors that flaw your writing.

Zabuden

The Bigger Problem: (95/97)

For the most part your writing is pretty good. The first chapter was a little rocky on the beginning, but got better as I read on. You do however need to use a little more description when you have more than one person involved in your stories so that readers can differentiate between the characters. I took off points because I saw some places where you stacked paragraphs on each other.

Being as though I am a tad old fashion from my days in the Twelfth I will give you the full 150 Division Bonar as a welcome gift. Now I will explain how you do your stats.

This is your first week of newb bonus (you only get 3 weeks of this).

You take your grade (95) and the division bonus (150) and apply it to your reiatsu, which should total 345. From there you distribute the additional rei into your stats however you please. Just make sure your stats (Zan/Hak/Ho/Kidou) all equal your reiatsu.

As for connection apply only the raw grade (95) to it.

Once all your numbers add up you multiply all stats, including connection by 1.1, this is your newb bonus. And make sure to post your stats in the personnel thread each week, even if you don't write. If you need help, I will be happy to oblige. Make sure to round all numbers up, not down.

Also be on the look out for the intro collab invite which should come to you by email, most likely tomorrow or Monday.

Unholy

I saw nothing from you. I want to send a collab invite to you this week as well, but i think you need to double check the address you sent me.

Geno

Interview With A Drunkard: (112/112)

I am very surprise that Raury does not have liver problems. Everytime I read anything involving him, there's alcohol involved (not sure if I read any fights you were involved in). Anway, no real mistakes worth deducting points for, so good jobbu.

Mewn

Mr Roboto: (98/98)

I know I heard the word Titan in this rp before, just remember where. A few formatting issues with fonts, but nothing worth docing points. Good writing.

A Raven's Shadow: (48/51)

Hooray for collateral damage a building/house/structure was blown down on top of poor Miho among some other stuff. A few times you had some slip-ups with capitalization after continuing an italicized thought. Things like: Fuck! She said. I also saw a few times where you left out some commas and periods.

You, Miho, and Drag all get 235 Kan each.

Hide and Seek: (75/75)

Such a popular title. Ok so from reading this, I believe Titan is a ref to Hollows? Anyhoo, solid writing from both you and tod. I don't ever remember you writing this much...

If I missed anything, please PM moi.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Mango

To Date or Not To Date (175/175)

Well my dear this is yet another example of "why Mango can write". The flow between you and Harmy is great, you write Lilith with an arch sense of humor that I really enjoy and you know how to interpose your turns nicely. I always appreciate your thorough editing too! Super job.

Snorkelling Fun (195/200)

Oh this was full of lulzy goodness! I don't really have any major complaints about mechanics or the way in which you write the charming and entertaining Lilith. I don't even know how valid this is but I just found this to be a little too much of a confection that doesn't necessarily advance anyone's plot. However I only deducted a few points because I enjoyed reading every bit of this!

 

[Several Zombies]

Haven't seen Zen so I guess I'm grading Orpheus again! Send links plz!

 

[Kaelos]

Tits

Spacesquid: (178/180)

Cleaning duty down in the sewers as punishment from the outburst in Sayis' coronation sucks if you ask me. Your description as usual is pretty sound. Soseki is a complete asshole, even in front of a teammate that wants to help him. Good job in tricking the visitor that the Division has French fries; do not expect a restaurant anytime soon. Again, very well written aside of from a few spelling errors.

Night Falls on Castle Eckstein: (76/77)

This was really good; as I've said before you've got a really good style of writing. I also loved the cohesion and the subtle changes from one scene to the other. Really good. I'm intrigued with your arc at this point. I wonder how things will turn out once the they get one of those 'Black Reapers' to open the gate.

+100 VC Bonus​

Drag

A Raven's Shadow: (89/89) (235 Kan)

Thanks for creating some collateral damage in the collab. Too many times, people that roleplay hollows in the hunts don't create some shock value. Nothing major to complain about. I enjoyed the writing in this one, kept me on my toes.

No Refunds!: (208/209) (200 Kan + 100 Bounty Points)

Nicely done. To be honest, I was really worried that this collab would feel like a bunch of fluff considering how long it was on your end. Anywho, there's really not much to talk about here. Great writing and awesome read. It seems that Eiji is excelling as an assassin. *wipes a tear* A seat will be coming for you, I promise. I saw no real issues.

Morning Nusiance: (53/55)

I liked the collab and its purpose it served. Good job putting Mitsuhito in his place. It was cleanly written for the most part. However, I'll be remiss not pointing out one minor mistake to you.

"It’s not as easy as you thing,” he began. "Fighting with your bare hands is quite a nuisance at times. And it’s dangerous.

I believe you was looking for 'think.'

Also, extra point taken off for word mess up on title. Nuisance not Nusiance.

Week 190: Battle for the 45th!: (92/92)

Good flow with the collab here. I have to agree with Lucy that Ryoujin outshined Eiji in the collab. You can blame that one the massive power gap. The entire read was quick and painless for me. Only saw one minor mistake from you, but nothing for me to take points off.

Higureiken: (63/64)

A training session interrupted by a zan spirit. I'm sure that Eiji didn't expect that to happen when he was about finish the spar with Marie. At least he got another attack for assassinating purposes now. Hopefully that would be put into good use in the future. This was another quick and fluid read.

+75 Division Bonus for writing a lot this week.​

Tod and Mitu

Tits will grade the both of you.​

Lucy

Seeping Venom: (75/75)

Looks like you'll have me for the this month as Beaks is still dealing with his move. *evil laughter* Anyways, this looks like a new arc of some sort. Camping out for some hollow activity is always fun, though boring. The dictation in your writing is good -- short and succulent. The ending part grabbed my attention with Kyu's blade showing signs of chipping. Normally, that means bad news for a shinigami. I cannot wait for the second chapter of the arc, good sir. I'm not going to take off points for the one error you made, but I'll leave a reminder. When you talk about two or more people in black robes, it is still shinigami. No need to add the extra 's'.​

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Grade​

​

Mitsu
Morning Nuisance-
Awww, my little babies are growing up, training each other and such. Now I feel oldddddddddd Anyways, your writing here was serviceable for the most part, though there were certain rough spots where sentences wound up combined in spots where they would have been better served not to (“But instead of running directly at him, Mitsuhito ran past him and tried to hit his head with the wakizashi from behind swinging his arm backwards, as soon as he was at the same height as Eiji.”). I’ve also noticed certain spots in your writing that, while not grammatically wrong, don’t really flow as good as they rightfully should. Nevertheless, this was an interesting enough read.
[50/55]

Squidy-Squid-Squid
Nothing too inherently wrong with your writing here. One thing that I have noticed, however, is that you generally try to cram too much into one turn (i.e. You’ll ask one question and then another and then another all in one turn). This sin’t a race to the finish line. Sometimes less is more.
[Grade= What I got]

Battal 4 the 45th
One thing I noticed almost immediately in this were the typos that were not prevalent in your other writing for the week. Proofread. Proofread. That way, you’ll get rid of such errors as

All the Plus the spider-like hollow did hunt where long eaten and the hollow needed to hunt down some food again.

Not quite sure why the thing gave itself the name Barbie but that’s a hollow for ya. On a side note, is there some rule that most hollows have to be spiders or something? So in conclusion, proofread. Read over all of your work a couple of times before you post it. Doing so will help you avoid silly silly errors that force graders like me to dock points.
[55/64]

No Refunds
Well reading over this, it’s pretty clear that your writing has improved from when you started on this collab and when it finished. That’s pretty gewd and such. What I like about this collab is that you actually, y’know, fought the guy rather than won against him. A lot of people kinda suck at writing a battle that is actually a struggle for both sides but you all succeeded. Once again, though, proofread.

[132/136]
37 Div bonar to you.

Tod
P-Chapage
First off, this chapter is not long at all, so no need to apologize. (Then again, this is coming from the guy who used to crank out 10k word chapters.) So in terms of the content of this chapter, not bad at all. May need to look into anger management classes though . In terms of grammar and stuff like that, though, there are some issues that need ironing out. The primary concern that I have with your writing is that you have a tendency to group too many actions into one sentence or cluster of words. As a result, you wind up with grammatically wrong sentences that wind up detracting from the general quality of your chapter itself. (The tracker continued to wander, letting his feet guide him when he heard something behind him. Doesn’t really work as a sentence, for example.) And same issue as the last time I graded you, Mist Fox needs to be completely capitalized (you keep writing it as “Mist fox”) if it is the name of a person/spirit of your blade/thing.
[160/169]

Hide and Seek
Another collab with Mewn? Yeesh. Anyways, your writing is much better here, much more controlled and reigned in. I’m going to assume that working with a person who actually writes for a living will do that to a person. Interested in where this goes.
[72/74]

No Refunds
See what I wrote for Mitsu and the same pretty much applies to you for this. All three of you have grown leaps and bounds as writers over the past month which is awesome because the 12th definitely needs good writers.
[105/109]

36 Div bonar 4 u.

 

[Eidolon]

3rd division quiet riot breakdown

Ri - Nada. I can't think of an excuse for you to have not written either. Fail.

Shingo - Noted your turn in the all 3rd. Will proceed to throw tantrums until Ri joins in too.

Harm - To Date or Not to Date? 87/88; I noticed a small error or two in your turns, but nothing to write home about. Overall the flow of the collab was good. Mizuki and Lilith seem to have a decent synergy going on. I was amused how Lilith identified her division as the 'manwhore'(my word, not hers!) division. Though the topicality of the writing wasn't my cup of tea, you two did a good enough job that in the end, I enjoyed it. So, bravo. Also, since all was quiet in the 3rd this week, bAm: +150 DB.

Note: I blame summer. Its not like this was the first week in about 20 that I didn't write. Or something. Really.

 

[Divine Truth]

This week got off to quite the busy start. Out of the blue I was asked to interview for a position I had applied for a while ago and had to go out of town to do so with pretty short notice. Long story short: I has job and now I can get back to catching up on turns and such.


[Rawb] 75 – Division Bonus
Silence is Silver: [50/50]

-This collab reminded me how much I can’t stand characters that try to force their help on others *cough*Naruto*cough*. No offense Fan, I’m just saying.
-Irrelevant personal preferences aside, this was a quick, clean collaboration and I didn’t really find any legitimate problems.​

[Miho] 75 – Division Bonus
A Raven’s Shadow (bounty collab): [71/73] – 235 Kan

-You are steadily improving but there are still some things that still need to be tuned:
-Make sure you use an apostrophe and a ‘s’ to show possession. For instance: Anya was relaxing at her friend home in Rukongai when she felt a strange sensation. Should be: Anya was relaxing at her friend’s home in Rukongai when she felt a strange sensation.
There are a couple of exceptions on how you go about showing possession. In cases in which ‘it’ possesses something, you add ‘s’ to the end without an apostrophe: Anya aimed at its right wing and fired the ball.
Another exception involves words that already end in ‘s’. In these cases, simply add an apostrophe to the end, i.e. Sayis’ hat.
-Continue to work on your word order and word choice. The following sentences could flow better with a few minor changes:

There wasn’t [strike]any strange thing[/strike] anything strange outside. Just a casual day in Rukongai with some hollow hunting [strike]defend less[/strike] defenseless souls.

“I’m starting to hate that hollow,” [strike]muttered to herself Anya[/strike] Anya muttered to herself, trying to get up from the mess that was moment ago a building.

“[strike]Did[/strike] Does it looks like I’m okay?” [strike]with sarcasm replied healer[/strike] the healer replied with sarcasm when [strike]next to hear appeared Yaname[/strike] Yamane appeared next to her.

“I [strike]own[/strike] owe you my life,” said Anya

-Wait, I’m confused. Why was Anya in a gigai in Soul Society?
-Remember to use pronouns or descriptive phrases where necessary.

Now, time to see what that hollow is doing here,[ ] thought to herself and leaving the room turned to the men.

Within the empty red brackets something needs to go there; whether it is simply ‘she thought…’ or something like ‘the healer thought….’
The same applies here:

I won’t let you have another meal,[ ] said in thoughts and ran toward the hollow as fastest as she could.

And here:

After reaching [ ] destination she healed rest of her injuries before entering the/her/a faux body.

-Continue to keep an eye on your tenses:

He’s busy with trying to hit her. I should take full advantage of that, she thought and carefully [strike]sticks[/strike] stuck her head and right hand from behind the house that was covering [her] from the hollow’s sight.

As well as your indefinite articles:

TheGolden-haired healer watched carefully sticking her head from cover as few of the bullets pierced hollow wing.

In the middle of it [she] pointed her right hand fingers toward the beast right side.

SSSo much for your attemptsss,laughed [strike]a[/strike] the spirit

But that didn’t help much as the enemy’s attack almost completely [strike]blows[/strike] blew up the house burring her under a thick layer of the debris.

Kumiho was more like crouching on one knee trying to ignore pain that was arching in the left side of her body.

I must get stronger to never let such a situation repeat,remarked Kumiho.

A Damsel and a Knight in Shining Armor (collab w/ Amaryllis): [74/76]

-Most of the points discussed above apply here as well, so I’ll be a bit more select in pointing things out here:

It was an early morning when Takeshi [strike]wake[/strike] woke up and [strike]go[/strike] went out for a run. He [strike]likes[/strike] liked those morning [strike]jogging[/strike] runs as it helped to gather positive energy for the rest of the day. After a short shower after coming back from it, Kaneda dressed up in his casual clothes and walked outside going to the division training ground. Some of his fellow companions [strike]looks[/strike] looked at him with a little suspicion. Towering over most of them with a body more appropriate to be in a division like the Eleventh, he always [strike]causes[/strike] caused whispers when showing up [strike]on[/strike] to division meetings.

“Almost,” said Kaneda with little a disappointment when the spell hit next to the mold.

“But [strike]where’s[/strike] where are my manners?”

-I liked the feel of this collab. Takeshi was nice in the mentor role.​

[Sev]
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto: (Collab w/ Mewn): [98/98]

-Jacking parts from working machines and creating a huge mess isn’t the best way to build a relationship between two organizations. I may be wrong though…​

 

[lilmangoseed]

YAY FOR NELLA JOINING THE ARCANE SPECIALISTS! WHOO-HOO!!!
*throws confetti*

On another note… Sorry grades are so late. Busy + summer + not really that busy, but pretending I am = slow grades from Mango. I promise not to make a habit of it though. Not only that, but I somehow missed about 10k worth of writing when I estimated how much I needed to grade. If I hadn’t, I would’ve asked for some help earlier. >_>

And PS. Anything in gray means I accidentally graded it.




Lin – 213/213 (correct grade)

Given everything about the beach collab, I enjoyed it. As always, t’was a pleasure to write with you. I always get a kick out of making Ilsa blush, even from an NPC’s perspective too.

Collab with Raury was great. Ilsa’s a strong vice-captain, and she handled the interaction with Raury professionally despite the circumstances. I really enjoyed it. Great job! Though I’m worried about Raury – I’m pretty sure alcohol deprivation will make him go insane. You get VC Bonus for this.

Collab with Dippy was excellent – as expected. It’s so cute seeing Ilsa stumble about with her bankai. Although I was under the impression that the stadium was more hidden. It seems odd that shinigami can walk in freely to areas like that. But as Vice-Captain of the First Division, Ilsa does have special privileges. BTW, Lilith really will talk to Sayis if she doesn’t get on that lunch date.

Snorkeling Fun - 100/100
Interview with a Drunkard – 113/113
I Will Spread These Wings of Mine (this title is adorbz) – 116/116

+ 100 VC Bonus

​

Finny – 177/178

“What did you lose?”
“My pet alligator.”
My reaction: WTF?! LOL. Oh wait, this is Finny’s writing. Nvm, that makes sense.

I’m so glad Picca has such good weird friends. I’m jealous that Bage gets to see Picca’s creeper status so freely. There were a few errors in the second chapter, but overall, an enjoyable read.

​

Nella – 320/327

WELCOME ABOARD, NELLA! *plays party music and pulls into a cha-cha*

A good set of intro chapters. It’ll be interesting to see how the plot and your character develop as you continue to write. As it stands, you’re still in the early phases of young shinigami naivety. It’s exciting that someone new will be growing up among the Arcane Specialists.

Your first week, and you’re already flirting with Miho’s NPC? Haha, even Lilith waited until week 3 before she started flirting with anyone. That should be a record. But anyhoo, there were several scattered errors in this. Flow was a little off. Don’t be afraid to work with your partners on making a clean, nicely flowing piece. After all, everyone wants to produce something great.

Chapters – 248/251
Damsel and a Knight – 72/76

+ 150 Div Bonus
+ 3 weeks of Newbie Bonus

If you need help with stats or grading, don’t be afraid to ask!

​

Dips – 116/116

Let’s just say… Ilsa is a very lucky girl to fall into Makoto’s arm.
*jealous*

I didn't see anything from Week 190. But your Week 191 stuff is great!
​