Grading Session for Week 195

[Apeiron]

AH > 4th/7th > 8th/13th > 3rd > 1st/10th > Orph > 11th > Cerb/Q > 9th > 12th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dips
8th/13th = Sen
9th = Rob
11th = Beaks
12th = Tets
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moon
Orph = Sev​

Feels kinda empty without me saying something, huh?

Get grades in NLT Tuesday 11:59 P.M. EDT​

 

[Rob]

[Boobies]

Consequences – [166/166]

-Brilliant. I loved every single line of this chapter. I loved the way you namedropped Seiko, portraying him pretty damn well in only those four or what lines. And the sudden twist at the end, oh my gosh! No, really. It was awesome, and for that take full points.

-There was, however, one dialogue sentence that stood out: “What? How the hell could you those freaking papers?!”

“How the hell could you those freaking papers?”?
Seems like you’re missing a few words here.

Dragon’s Den – [138/138]

-Not much to say here other than the fact that this was one of the quickest and cleanest bounties I have ever participated in good sir. To top it off, it wasn’t even hurriedly done, or even remotely metagamed, and whatnot. I really, really, really enjoyed writing this collaboration with you and I loved the ending.

Take full points for this as well, and... seeing how no one from my division wrote yet again *cough*shade/buns*cough*, you can take full division bonus with you again.

Shade , we really need to talk. Why? Because we need to start hatching plans for epic carnage, and inventions.
Buns , if you find me on aim, hit me and we’ll talk about what you want to do from here on out. If possible, I’d still like to give you a seat, though.

Links for Karl: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthr...12th-12th-Week-195-Hidden-in-the-Dragon-s-Den

 

[tminus31]

OK, PM thread'll be started this week, let's go catch that courier

[Wack]

Butchershop VI - Heru didn't really do much did he, this became the Danny and Blue Show after they arrived but nevertheless it was an impressive climax to an interesting arc, Danny's power is quite a feeaky one... couple of spacing errors and you said 'small' as opposed to 'smell' when Danny first spoke.

There was one sentence that I found slightly odd, namely: "They also both breathed heavily through their identical gas masks", it just sounded a bit odd when I said it out loud, may have been better as "They were also breathing heavily through their identical gas masks". [89/92] + 100 Div Bonus

And remember to post your stats each week, even if you didn't write​

Didn't see anything from Dippy so that's all from me, holler if I missed anything. Tom out.

 

[Beaks]

Wayne, you gradin brah. Okaibai

 

[Eidolon]

3rd divsiion 'a little longer' breakdown

My dudes - I didn't see anything finished, PM/IM if that's not right!

Hare - 94/94; I didn't see any problems with this collab, and framing it as a listlessness in Hare's gut was a good move. What bigger day can a shinigami have? I'm going to fork up the DB, but only on the note that the follow up better be soon, and good!

- My link: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49439-3rd-10th-Week-195-The-Lion-and-the-Witch

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Alright! Whoever I'm grading let me know. I need links people.

Rawb

Hidden in the Dragon's Den (110/110)

It is great to see Seiko back. Of course we go back a long way, Seiko and I. There were only a few minor points of error but those weren't enough to make me take off points. Good work at characterizing and showing the changes in his character.

These are for my grader: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49309-C-Week-195-Signs-and-Omens and http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/48890-PM-C-10th-Week-194-Defusing-Situations

 

[Wayne]

My hair is too awesome for placeholders.

Albino - Epilogue & A New Ally

Ah yes, the main character's 'friends getting killed/hurt phase.' Me likey. It's nice seeing Zak's more consoling and somber side for once. Him shedding a tear for his friends and showing some sign of weakness makes him all the more believable, so I commend you for that. There were a few grammatical errors though, the one that stood out the most being "...or 'I miss them two' seemed...". I'm guessing you just missed that when proofreading, but all in all, a solid read.

Second chap got me wondering who this new person is. She seems rather sketchy by the way you portray her, which only heightens the mood even further.

Grade: 147/149 + 75 Div Bonus​

Shun - The Finale

About time you started wrapping things up. I love the spirit's interaction with Ryoujin so far. It's more like constant berating mixed with douchebaggery between best friends. Awesome. The trial itself seemed pretty easy, but I take it it was more like a test of wits rather than strength alone. Great job on taking that route, though. I didn't see any errors on your part, so goody. Next step: Ban Kai.

Grade: 90/90 + 75 Div Bonus​

Guest Grader - Moonster

Signs and Omens: I think it's safe to say that I had no idea what was going on here since this is the first time I've graded your stuff. Still, reading it alone was pretty interesting, and there weren't any noticeable errors in your grammar.

Defusing Situations: Ah yes, more familiar grounds. While short, you did a great job showcasing how Zakki handles his mission effectively as a leader. The interaction with Lil's NPC was amusing, to say the least. And kudos for moar and moar violence towards the end. Way to deal with the situation like a champ.

Total Grade: 103/103​

Edit: I thought I already told y'all your grades yesterday in chat >_>

Both of you get 33 each for True Lies





To my grader

http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49033-11th-Week-195-Towards-The-Edge-Of-Oblivion

Read first

So here's the plot in a nutshell: my guy lost his zan, got pissed and tried to get a new one. last chap, he met his new zan spirit, got owned badly, stabbed through the chest and thought of as dead. this new chap shows him recovering and confronting the spirit again. and so as to avoid confusion, the gray sidelines in the first chap are memories running in his head.

 

[Apeiron]

Coming Very Soon...
[strike]Fifth Division[/strike]1st/10th Div Grades
No srsly they're on their way now.












Keep Scrolling​

What’s up guys this is Hare here with another week of grading. Today we’ll be taking a look at all the fantastic writing the 1st and 10th division have come up with for week 195.

P.S. It didn’t look like any other klabs were done, but if I missed anything, please let me know with a PM including the link.

1st Division

Lin
Saddle 135/135

Nice quick discussion between the VC and the 4th seat. I really appreciated Ilsa’s struggling to keep up with all her duties as VC with time constraints, and Picca’s nervousness about going back to HM.

Finny
More Nuggets 170/173
Saddle 135/135

I really liked how this assassination played out. It was quick and fast-paced, and played out realistically. Iggy and Drag did a nice job of playing their characters, and you had Moe react perfectly. So, with that I need to remind all three of you to capitalize proper titles of the divisions. All three of you continuously flip-flopped between capitalizing and not.

Your bit in Saddle was well written, and I enjoy how you portray Picca. Nicely done. I hope the coming PMs are nicer to her then the last ones.

Berry
Study 117/117
Public 113/113

March is pretty awesome, not gunna lie.

Your klab with Grif was interesting. I was really impressed with how well of a detective scene this turned out to be (though truth be told, Roland isn’t a very Lawful Good detective is he?). I would very much like to see more of these two.

Nella
Strange 58/58

Simple kai chap is simple. Nothing noticeably wrong with it so you get full points.

10th Division

Lil
Bomb 32/32
Wardrobe 122/122

Wasn’t anything wrong with your turns in the bomb klab. Main gripe about it though is that it could have been a closed klab. I’m guessing something pushed the klab forward to close like it did, but I ain’t on the up-and-up with all the news.

As for your talk with Theron, that was nice. I really liked the flow and the tone of this piece. The complexities of the two characters is really shown by how they reflect on what’s brought them to that point. I really should take advantage of my booklessness and catch up on some peoples back writing. Anyways, it looks like Lilith is coming closer and closer to her Taishuu, can’t wait!

Grif
Public 113/113

I like Roland. Gives off a Batman vibe. Minor errors in your klab, but nothing really worth docking points for.

Bob
Curious 96/96
Forces 129/129

Well done in the klab we did. Lucas want for change, and desperate need to find his original purpose for coming to Seireitei were well written and believable. Now let’s hope for a successful third klab!

Chap with Kat was pretty decent, though you forgot to capitalize in a couple of places. It’s nice to see that not every character gets along right away. Maybe Lucas and Adel never will, but conflict makes for good development.

Guest Grade

None?


Damn, I lucked out with all the good writers, huh? Berry, Grif and Bob get div bonus 8D Peace 1st/10th~!

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

EDIT: Finny and Drag both get 500 kan for their roles as targets in the PM hunts.


Hand hurts something terrible. Sorry for the delay. Grades tiem! Alright so I like that all of our bounties are actually getting somewhere now (for better or worse). Keep working on them please!


Yamamura Eiji and Okamii Igasho are now considered outlaws and agents of SQN (that's what happens when you kill a perfectly innocent woman while also pulling out an SQN cloak). All free 12th division personal are to hunt for these two traitors.


Also, starting next week, Drag (and/or Cad) will be grading you for the next month or so. Plan accordingly (whatever that means). I will, however, be grading you for all of this week's writing (Week 196).


And now onto grading:


Drag
Hidden in the Dragon's Den
Solid writing from you here. Your willingness to have your character offed in one hit was commendable since there a re some people who would come up with some way to avoid that fate (“But you didn't account for my guy who's even fasterer than youuuuu”). One little grammar note though:

one of the thugs in the back said, as he watched the body slam into the ground.

You don't need a comma in between “said” and “as” since it's all part of one continuous phrase. This happens a couple of times in this collab.


[103/105]


Reminisce
Once again, you've got the comma thing going on. It's not really a hard error to correct or anything and overall isn't that troublesome in terms of understanding what you're writing, more like a simple annoyance on my part.


It's always nice seeing Eiji take charge and act (kinda) like a leader. I liked the juxtaposition of the flashback with the present day stuff and liked that the transition between the two was natural and smooth and I'm interested to see what happened with the Shin-ey stuff.


[105/110]


Moar Nuggetzzzzzzz
Generally solid writing. I had a bit of a problem with the way that you two executed your mission though. Assassins are meant to be subtle killers (in other words, more indie rock than hair band metal) and in that regard, you wound up blowing up a room, killing a couple of innocent people, and then executing your target in broad freaking daylight. Oh, and in the process you got yourselves branded as SQN agents with that whole hood thing (which I'm still trying to figure out the point of). At least you were successful with the actual assassination though, so I guess that counts for something.


[105/105]


50 Div bonus to you.


Cad
More Nuggetz
See above. I liked that you two went into the assassination attempt with a (semi-)cohesive plan. That being said, that plan wasn't all that great since she was probably going to react the same whether or not she was actually SQN or not (hint: she wasn't) and embroil you in a shitton of trouble (which she did). Anyways now you're reaping the benefits and on top of that, you'll probably have to eventually deal with the fact that some is feeding the 12th division faulty intelligence.


[139/139]


The Descent into Hell
So I guess this is done? Either way, I enjoyed what you wrote even if it is about a member of some other division. That all being said, how the hell did Kurohashi get out of Hueco Mundo? I guess the world will never know. Oh well.


[48/49]


Masque-rave of the Dead
You do a hell of a job establishing an atmosphere in your writing, probably among the better writers in HD when it comes to that. I'm really interested in where your arc goes from here and am anticipating your next chapters. (hint)


[55/55]


50 div bonus to you.


Mits
Shikai Arc
So there's nothing inherently wrong with the content of your chapter this week. That being said, I found this chapter to be wrought with grammatical errors and such that kind detracted from the flow of your writing. The thing is that some of these errors are of a slightly more complex nature than “You forgot to add an adverb, etc. etc.”.

Sneaking in their direction he made no noise, so he won't be discovered

That “won't” should be a wouldn't. Additionally, there's a misplaced comma in there.


Additionally, there a a couple of awkwardly worded phrases there such as:

Some traps less for me to take care of.

or

Despite him managing to block a part of that incoming attack – because the timing of the taunt of his enemy was off some seconds in favor of Mitsuhito – he still got hurt at his shoulder

Additionally I want you to make sure that you aren't capitalizing the first letter in the indicator line connected to a line of dialogue (“I like to fart,” he said exuberantly.) Conversely, you should also make sure that phrases that are disconnected from a line of dialogue begin with a capitalized letter since it's a completely different sentence (“There's diarrhea all over the floor!” Scrotty McBoogerBalls looked down and saw that this was true.)
Get those things cleaned up a bit and we're all gravy since I know that you've been working hard to improve your writing skills.


[120/134]


25 div bonus to you.


Tod
Insert Thunderdome Reference Here
I like the content of your chapter but there are some errors that need to be ironed out.

“[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, Arial, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]How’s the young man doing?” A man’s deep voice said. “When can he join the pit?”[/FONT]

That A needs to not be capitalized. This same exact error happens about a dozen times just in the first couple hundred words of your first chapter alone.


Another big problem that I see here is inconsistent capitalization of names, something that I've talked to you about numerous times already. If a word is someone's name then it needs to be capitalized all the time, which means that if a dude's name is Snake, then that name needs to be capitalized every time you're referring to him.


All of that being said though, I like the actual stuff that's going on in your writing, just not the fact that you're making some silly errors that could have easily been avoided had you been keeping your eyes on the road rather than texting your friends with one hand on the wheel.


[150/164]


25 div bonus to you.


Guest Grade: Towm
My left hand is throbbing like I ran over it with a truck or something so I'll keep this real short.


I love the combined sense of incredulity, disbelief, and sheer panic and desperation in Ewan's actions in this collab. It was fun watching he and Ayako do all that they could to find the bomb and additionally seeing their “mysterious” adversary toy with their emotions.


Solid writing overall.
[225/226]

 

[Code of the Noble]

Notes: *sobs* Appears that Zabu wont be rping with us anymore :*(. I at least hope that he passes by and stop in chat from time to time and enjoy/participate in its nonsense. With that, unholy/Kago I will post a turn to you guys later on this evening to speed up the interview process and in hopes to start your trainings. Katie you will have a turn this evening for you as well. Sene is home sick today, sweating his sickness out, think I may be coming down with something...

Now onto grades...


Pho

Wine: Women and LOL: (326/326)

This was actually an enjoyable read. A few mistakes here and there but nothing that made my eyes bleed. Adelaide was so upfront about liking women early on. That was like a wrench thrown in big Ben's cogwheels if Udo actually was trying to make a pass at her. I believe this could have been broken up into two collabs, but it was cohesive enough, so I will let it slide. Not too sure on the shikai thing as far as if it is allowed during a training session on division grounds or not, but... I guess if Adelaide does not mention it then you will not get in trouble if it is not allowed .

Entrapment (41/41):

Not much to say here, you wrote, you proofread, you get graded. And it was a breath of fresh air that is was not 13k

Best laid Plans (41/41):

I don't believe this was ever brought up before since I have been in the RP but I do believe once you leave a specific division, you leave your items behind, thus you cannot have access to the 9th Athena item unless it is by use of a NPC. Will correct me if I am wrong.

You may have 75 of the division bonus.

Katie

Women and Wine and stuff (326/326):

(See Pho Comments above)

Opposing Forces (121/121):

I really liked this one. Never read blob's writing much other than the time I had to fight him with beaks NPC in the tourney some time back, but the back and forth with spells and the attitudes, personalities rather, of your individual PC's made me enjoy this piece. Good Job to both of you.

Reassignment (107):

Good thing I realized this was PM material. In the future make sure you label it correctly

[PM][8th] Week 000: This is a PM thread

A slight mishap with the word ladder, which should have been letter, but bleh. Not gonna hammer you wif the proofread ruler, but *pops with ruler for lols*

Alright Katie this week is your second week of newb bonus, stats are done the same but you get a consec bonus this week since you wrote more than 1k two weeks in a row. Consec is easy (+10%) to raw grade. This bonus is one of few that is also added to connection.

You may also take the remainder of the division bonus, which is 75.

Kago

Explanations (54/54):

I assume this takes place after our collab for your plot. And listen to Sophia, she is right Sene will not let you call him Senesati any longer.

Cheese

SoS (34/34)

Not much to say in terms of errors, or lack thereof, but there is a grade for you But I cant give PM bonus as it was less than 1k

Hawk

SoS (18/18)

A couple of awkwardly worded sentences, nothing eye-stabbing. Also to you, I can't give PM bonus since it was less than 1k words. Then again I think you forgot you even wrote in this thread as you told me you did not write this week.

Geno

SoS (129/129):

As always I enjoy readin Raury in his moments. I cant wait to see him and Adelaide when they cross paths, could be entertaining with their personalities. :3. PS be kind to my newb or I will find joo...

Van

Lion and the <3 (123/123):

Who told you to write! >:/ j/k well at least it was wif <3 :3 *does the cabbage patch* Go love. Do the taishuu. Go <3. it's yer birthday... Oh wait this is Van's grade spot for posting *Grumpy McGrump face* >:/

Now to do items then back to bed...

 

[Divine Truth]

[Trio]
Catching Up pt. III: Apathy: [50/50]

-Considering how far removed from part II this chapter was, it wasn’t jarring. Though I suppose it helps when the topic at hand is mainly a healing session and not much had to be known other than a patient was hurt and needed to be attended to. The chapter was well written, there was only one real typo that I could find but it wasn’t serious enough to dock points for.​

[Hiren]
Warning: You are About to be Rate Limited: [50/50]

-In this chapter Lucia has presented some HUGE similarities to Makoto’s past. We will definitely have plenty of material to go on for our pending collab.​

[Miho]
Shedding the Old Skin: [136/139]

-I did notice a fair amount of editing in this collaboration, but a few things did manage to slip through the process. Some were simply careless spelling mistakes that Word would not catch (for instance you had ‘on’ in a particular sentence where ‘in’ was likely what you mean), while others involved some tense and word order issues. But over all things were a bit more smooth than usual.
-One specific thing I noticed before (though I can’t remember if I’ve brought it to your attention previously or not) was that you tend to use ‘cloths’ when what you need is ‘clothes’. The ‘e’ makes a difference: ‘cloth’ would be the material used to make garments and ‘clothes’ are the finished garments. Also, ‘women’ is already plural (the singular being ‘woman’), so it does not need an apostrophe and ‘s’ (women‘s) unless you are trying to convey ownership among multiple women.​

 

[Several Zombies]

Lazy Sev is lazy.

Thana:

Another Brick in the Wall

Fun chapter. Ms. Kojima showing those TNK youngsters how it's done! Really though, the content here was fine. You guys found the 'bomb' and got to show off a little. I'm most surprised by the fact that Ewan is only just realizing Ayako is an Advent (unless that's my misunderstanding). You'd think with both of them being at the levels they are, he'd have noticed a long time ago (and vice versa). There were a few awkward sentences in here, but nothing worth mentioning really. Proof read etc.

Take 222 points and 75 division bonus for your trouble.



Seika:

Expectations

Ouch. Toothpick to the eye. You weren't kidding about that bit, huh? Alistar seems like a generally unlikable fellow thus far. Remind me to keep sharp things away from him at all times. Anyways, onto review-y stuff. I notice several instances where you link sentences using ellipsis. While ellipsis are meant to denote omission of information, in creative circles they're often used to represent a brief pause. That said, you really didn't skimp on their use -- the whole piece is peppered with ellipsis and there are numerous instances where you end off a sentence with them, only to begin the next with even MORE ellipsis. I get what you're trying to do, but there are much easier and more eloquent ways to convey information here. For example;

Several hours later Alistair awoke with a terrible headache. "Urgh, feels like I’ve been hit in the head with a brick...” he murmured to himself as he stumbled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. "I need to stop drinking so much...” he said to himself, splashing cold water on his face, "...and apparently I need a new watchmaker as well,” he continued in a disapproving tone, as he took off his broken watch tossed it to one side.

Elipsis all over the place. This sentence could just as easily have been conveyed like so;

Several hours later Alistair awoke with a terrible headache. "Urgh, feels like I’ve been hit in the head with a brick,” he murmured to himself as he stumbled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. "I need to stop drinking so much.” he said to himself, splashing cold water on his face, "And apparently I need a new watchmaker as well.” he continued in a disapproving tone, as he took off his broken watch tossed it to one side.

Two TINY changes greatly improves the flow of the paragraph. It's worth noting that the above section should really be spit up a little more instead of sandwiching the 'dialogue' between every little action, but even with the omission of ellipsis it's much easier to read and follow. The problem with using them the way you have been is that it's jarring to the reader and chops up the flow of the piece by constantly dropping in long, arbitrary pauses.

This is mostly just a personal observation, but regardless, try to keep from overusing ellipsis in future. It makes Sev a sad zombie. Other than that, the chapter was pretty well written and fun to read. Can't wait to see where you take this ex-mob story of yours.

Take 100 points and 75 division points as well.



Criss:

Towards the Edge of Oblivion

An interesting piece. The back and fourth between the chapter in blue and the introspection in gray was kind of a pain on the eyes. The rapport between Kyu and his 'new' Zanpakutou is pretty interesting, though I didn't read the previous chapter so I only have your little blurb and the bits of info in this chapter to go off of in terms of back story. I don't know what the rules are in terms of obtaining a new Zanpakutou in-game, but it seems kind of weird given the nature of the weapons themselves. I couldn't find any glaring mistakes, as usual, but I am very tired so I may have missed something. Meh.


Kings and Tyrants

Very Ichigo-esque fight sequence here. Pretty standard stuff. I chuckled at the idea of Kyu using Kidou, and the fact that his new spirit was so quick to berate him on it as well. This new guy's a big bitch, by the way. Take him back and get a non-asshole Zanpakutou. Hopefully you kept your receipt. Also, hooray for cliche victory clash at the end.


The Dawn

Not much to say here. He's back in the real world. Yay, he didn't die!

Take 194 points for your work.