Grading Session for Week 196

[Rob]

AH > 4th/7th > 8th/13th > 3rd > 1st/10th > Orph > 11th > Cerb/Q > 9th > 12th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dips
8th/13th = Sene
9th = Rob
11th = Beaks
12th = Tits
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moon
Orph = Sev​

Why was this not up yet, huh?

Get grades in by Tuesday 11:59 PM EST
​

​

 

[Rob]

[Boobies]

The Story of One Messed Up Kid – [166/166]

-Okay, save for a few punctuation errors such as writing a comma where there should be a period, and not capitalising a word when the dialogue ended in a period, I couldn’t find anything wrong so take full points.

-I’ll have to get back to you on the PM tag-thing, though. Gotta check with the big man, because although Nykto is one-a dem PM baddies, in terms of actual PM material there wasn’t a whole lot except for maybe the last paragraph.

-One more thing: I hate Nykto with all of my guts, seriously. Obsessions are always a sign of things going awry, but goddamnit.

Drawing in the Dark – [145/155]

-Yukataka has his confidence oozing from his every ‘poor’, well that’s new.

-Ugh, for god’s sake Tits, I know you have a knack for writing long intro-turns, but honest to god. Never, ever, ever, write a 1.7k intro turn again. Never. I don’t care how much of it was necessary, just tell your palls that you’re going to cut it up into two pieces of slightly less obnoxiousness, but this was just... not cool.

-Don’t get me wrong, I love your writing and this, too, was outstanding like usual, but don’t do this to me bro. I mean, fackkkkkkk, it was a nice and good read but that opening turn really fucked things up.

Seems like none of my lovelies wrote this week, so take full Division Bonus again.

 

[tminus31]

Hmm, nothing from anyone this week it seems... That was easy.

Shout if I am blind and did miss anything, otherwise till next week. Tom out.

 

[Beaks]

Shun, your turn for the Grader Bonus. You're on for this week chief.

 

[Shun]

Roger that Beaks o.o7

Wayne:
Childish Optimism
You get whatever I get for this collab. I thoroughly enjoyed writing with Fuko considering its usually Kyuketsu and Ryoujin involved in collabs between us. The way you roleplay her is really believable and I commend you for being able to roleplay a convincing female although as mentioned, she’s a bit too optimistic. It’s a good thing she’s a scientist in the Ninth and not someone battling on the frontlines because she’d get herself killed. Anyways, good job on this as usual. You may take 50 division bonars.

Picking Teams (PM Bonus Included) [151/151]
Not much to comment on. It was pretty ridiculous considering there were at least two pages of that thread about people arguing about who is eligible to go to Hueco Mundo and who isn’t but meh that is PMs for you. As usual, Kyuketsu keeps a cool-head about it and sits back and spectactes everything that plays out. I’m glad that we’re finally in Hueco Mundo though and have something to do for plot missions finally.

Switch:
Picking Teams (PM Bonus Included) [67/67]
You didn’t write 1k. Can’t give you div bonus >_< Anyways, I think Amaya is the only one that’s actually been to Hueco Mundo before IG. Finny’s char Picca has been there before (I think), but Amaya is the only living PC amongst our group that has ventured into HM during a plot mission. Her experience will be a huge asset to Ilsa. I hope Lin orders Amaya wisely. Anyways, good job in this thread. I’m hoping you pick up writing-wise and release some pchaps or collabs soon. Quit playing LoL or whatever MMO you’re involved in lulz D:<

Firefly:
Picking Teams (PM Bonus Included) [45/45]
Poor Hotaru for getting slammed in the face by a door. I would give you div bonus, but you’re not eligible for it since you only wrote 400 words D:< I really do hope you write more chaps and collabs soon. Anyways, nice interaction between Hotaru and Jin. It’s sad that Hotaru is gonna have to rely on people that she barely even knows. Sucks being unfamiliar with those you’re working with, huh?

Beaks:
Picking Teams (PM Bonus Included) [88/88]
I had a feeling you would use Jin in this collab, but I didn’t expect Tsubaki to make an appearance as well. I was reading Lil and Hare’s taishuu and I like the fact that Tsubaki is pissed that she can’t be with her division in Hueco Mundo, knowing that some of them could likely die.

Supporting Ideals [71/71]
Although they’ve only met during a few instances, Haresuno and Tsubaki have good chemistry with one another. My favorite quote from this would have to be: “Forgive the nostalgia, but you sound now as I did before wearing this. I beat my chest in defiance and swore that I would never falter, just as you do now. I thought I knew what lay ahead for me, and I could not have been more wrong." Sorta disappointed at how abruptly the potential fight was cut off though, but eh that’s just me. Anyways, very nice work here. Personally, I think most people should come to Tsubaki to seek advice or support. She can really make people stumble and think carefully about what they say. +50 div bonusu to ya

Zak-Attack:
Picking Teams (PM Bonus Included) [114/114]
You made a really good point about the communicating devices. Also, ohohoho what is this I see? This is a side of Zakeriah that I thought I would never see. Seems like he’s taken a liking to Adelaide from the Eight Go get ‘em tiger lol.

Monster Quest pt.1 [70/72]
Wayne mentioned it to you once when he graded you about the run-on sentences you had before, and I’m glad that that’s no longer a problem although I did spot an instance in the chap where you wrote a sentence that seemed incomplete:

The smoke and dust cleared slowly, the eruption had cratered the earth deeply but the damage carved around the lovely creature as well as the area her wings had splayed over like a rock interrupting the flow of a river and protecting the silt behind it from the water's destructive force.

^ Idk when I read that aloud to myself, it’s sorta awkward and looks like you’re either missing something in there or you could’ve split that up into several sentences. Ps: sometimes you’re missing a comma in various places:

The old scholar Jurai had released his weapon knowing that doing so meant his death.

Should be: The old scholar Jurai had released his weapon, knowing that doing so meant his death.

Another example:

If anything spoke of the strength of the attack it was the fact that the master reacted to it at all.

Should be: If anything spoke of the strength of the attack, it was the fact that the master reacted to it at all.

Other than those tiny nitpicks, superb job. After so long, the Master and the Greatest are still alive? Gdi, I was hoping all of the Aspects would be killed once and for all, those damn bastards lol! It seems like Iblis and Zakeriah are becoming a thorn in their plans, and the Master has realized just how much the two have grown. I will admit that Zakeriah has grown not only in stats but also as a character, especially the way you questioned Kyuketsu back when Tsubaki was talking about Hueco Mundo and foes that don’t fear us like the Espada. This is just a suggestion, if ya wanna call it that, but I hope Zakeriah defeats the Master and the Greatest once he gets bankai. From the looks of it, that is what you’re leading up to as you’ve been writing about the Aspects for a long time now. Btw: add +50 div bonus to your overall grade

Moonie: (PM or IM me if you wrote anything else. It makes me sad when I have to look for a completed collab that doesn’t have the week number or isn’t locked for that matter)

Drowning in the Dark [105/105]
I dunno anything about the kan and bounty points, but if Tits said you guys get full points on that, then you guys get full points (however much that is). Anyways, Tit’s baddie here was one fucked up brain-washed maniac haha. Very interesting collab, it’s not everyday you read about a bounty like this. Ps: Did I tell ya how much I love Yaname? Also, I’m a shadow

Links for my grader:
http://www.bleachforums.com/showthr...3rd-8th-10th-11th-Open-Week-196-Picking-Teams
http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49541-11th-11th-Week-196-Childish-Optimism

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Okay, gonna make this fast since I've got to take care of a shitton of stuff before I leave tomorrow.

Drag
Almost There
Could definitely tell that you were rushing this. Syntax seems a little off in spots and the words don't flow as well as they normally would in your writing. Additionally, watch for those run-on sentences, there were several occasions where rather than ending a sentence, you just used a comma and acted as if the sentence hadn't ended by just tacking on a second one.

[47/57]

Cad
Masquerade
Good writing as usual. One glaring typo I noticed at the end of your first cluster of writing (not calling it a chapter for some reason) where you forgot to capitalize “but” at the start of Igasho's line of dialogue. If you're trying to impart a sense of continuation from a previous interrupted line or thought, it would be “-but”. Other than that, its good.

[41/42]


Tod
Pchaps
The writing was good and pretty smooth overall. However, there were a couple of occasion where you completely slipped up. I'm talking about forgetting words that change a otherwise incomplete sentence fragment into a full blown happy sentence. Additionally I'm beginning to notice that you're falling into the trap of reducing your writing into repetitive “He did this. Then he did this.”-fests. Try to vary it up a bit.

[184/192]

And with that, I'll see you all in six weeks.


ADDENDUM: Drag is taking care of Mits and Tom.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Thank You all for PMing your links to me in this hectic time of PM's.


Pho

Picking Teams: (159/159)

Troublemaker... Nothing I saw wrong in your writing this week, keep up the gewd warku. I am happy to see you back.

Seafood surprise: (134/137)

It's spell-blade, not spellblade. A couple of missing things like the period after Mr., but nothing really worth deducting major points for. I did however wanted to see a bit more damage inflicted to or toward the two of you. You mentioned how fast the creature was compared to you both, but the way the fight went it was not all that fast. Other than that it was well written.

You may take 50 of the D Bonar

Thread

Picking teams: (50/50)

I spy improvement, well done.

I keep it caged: (50/53)

Some small mistakes, no unnecessary words, which I am proud of . I gather this was prior to PM's (ie Shizuka is still only with one arm?). Let me know so I am consistent with any arc or story you have planned with this character.

You may also take 50 of the D Bonar

Katie

Picking Teams: (217/221)

Remember to watch the capitalization on words like kidou, zanpakutou, etc in mid sentence. They do not need to be capitalized except at the beginning of a sentence.

A new Horizon: (241/241)

One of these days I want to do a collab with you PC and my NPC, Kazuhiko Osagawa. This might be fun :3.

Also regarding our collab, I will get you a turn sometime after work tomorrow I had a very busy weekend.

You may take the remaining 50 of the D Bonar

Alright Katie this week is your last week of newb bonus.

Van

Kenpachi mumbojumbo (186/186)

Next time mark your stuff that relates to PM's, PM. Also Theron is one complicated douchebag and also somewhat... caring for his people. Then again some people also refer to sene in that same fashion so I say let's toast to that .

13th I saw nothing from you guys. If I missed something, please PM me.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Lord Rawbington of Dutchland

Noble Affairs (104/104)

What can I say? It is great. I love your characterization of Seiko and the way he interacts with his family. I like the fact that blood ties mean more to him than anything else even in the face of assassination attempts by said family. The writing is, as ever, very much your voice and with only a few negligible errors. Good work!

 

[bankzu]

Cad

[PM] [1st/3rd/8th/10th/11th/Open] Week 196: Picking Teams [44/44]

Full points for ya. Saw nothing wrong with your writing here, even though I would’ve liked more from you here. Nothing to deduct points for, so that’s good. Good luck in Hueco Mundo xD.

Mitsu

[12th] [Shikai] Week 196: Twisted worlds [162/175]

Okay so you still seem to have a few tense-errors (not as many as last time I graded you). There’s been a lot of improvement in your writing, but it seems as if you rushed to write these chapters. I’d like you to try and read it over once or twice more than you usually do next time you post this much writing. There were a few grammatical and punctuation errors here (a bit more than usually) that you might want to look over. I’ll have a talk with you about it as soon as I find a second.

Tod

[C/12th/12th] Week ---: Drowning in the Dark [251/251]

First of all, thanks for mentioning Eiji (I’m sure the crowd loved that). Second, excellent writing. Saw only one or two grammatical/spelling errors, but nothing that I should strip points for. The collab was really entertaining to read, and I liked how you played off your character there. Excellent work. We want more of this (and more of your writing)!

I’ve accounted for the collab bonus in your grade, and Tits already gave you Kan/Bounty points for it.

Twm

Nada from you it seems.

----------------------------------------------------

Cad, Tod and Mitsu, since Tits didn’t give you any Division Bonus, you can all take 50 each for the writing you’ve done this week. (Bonuses have been accounted for in your grade, not the division bonus though. You'll have to add that all by yourselves. – Tod since you said you’re using a collab bonus I did the grade with the bonus incorporated).

As for future grading, Cad and I have been assigned to do it while Tits is gone. We decided to take one week each, and I’ll start with the next week (197), and Cad will do the one after that (198). So send your shizzle to the right phizzle!

 

[Eidolon]

3rd division "back into the breach" breakdown

Ri - Hello? McFly?

Shingo - Picking teams 140/140; Might I just say, I like where your writing's gone over your stint at BF. When I read Shingo now, I get a real feel of the man I'm reading about. In this particular writing, I had to chuckle at the nonplussed attitude he has towards all this gotei business. Can't be worse then what Theron makes you do, hmmm? +100 DB.

Will - Picking Teams 53/53; Stealing my name aside, Kyu is a great character. While she's matured and changed in some ways over the years, she's still the energetic and shonen type I remember from back in the day. Adds a bit of charm each times she appears, this was no exception. +50 DB

A Question of Judgment 240/240; I loved this chapter. It highlighted Sayis' stepping forth into the role as leader for the entire Gotei, flaws and strengths alike. Mango's writing was complimentary, her character missing some slight slipups(intentionally written that way, mind you) on his part when conducting the sly affair. Nuanced and overt themes to the interaction, so we have layers of depth. Over all, this is a A+ in my book from you.

 

[Divine Truth]

If I got a link, you got a grade. If you didn't get a grade, I didn't get a link.



[Miho]
Imperfect: [46/50]

- My time is slim this evening, so I’ll just point out some of the things that stood out the most and will come back for a more in-depth evaluation.
-The following sentence contains an error that I saw a lot of in his chapter:

Good, echoed voice of the vixen in it head. She could feel the rush of power after new souls become part of it form.

In both instances, ‘it’ should be ‘its’ since you are speaking of possession (the head you speak of belongs to ‘it’ as does the form). Under normal circumstances possession is denoted by adding an apostrophe and ‘s’ to the end of the subject, but ‘it’ is an exception since ‘it’s’ is the contraction of ‘it is’.
-Another sentence that stood out:

“A hollow that didn’t interested in devouring human soul?”

What you want here instead of ‘didn’t’ is ‘isn’t.
-Over all there wasn’t as much wrong with the chapter as what I usually see. You’re steadily improving but there are still a few nagging issues like some of your tenses and indefinite articles that still need tuning.​

[Belexar]
First Steps: [47/51]

-For the most part, everything flowed well grammatically but there were several typos scattered throughout the writing. Make sure to check over your chapters before you post them. As I’ve said before, careless mistakes are a lame way to lose points.​

[Sene]
[PM] Picking Teams: [117/117]

-Standard meting out of orders and discipline is standard. No substantial errors to really complain about other than a missing apostrophe in one of the turns.​

Each of you may take 50 of the division bonus.

Edit:


[Wolfie]
Keeping the Past Buried: [87/87]

-Well that certainly will keep the past buried. Granted, if not for the advent of the Seventh Division Sayuri would have been buried as well. Either way, welcome back to action. Your writing here was clean and compelling, so take full marks.​

 

[swaswj]

Short comments this week because I'm on the verge of sleep. Congrats to Lil and Hare on completing their morals! They both split the div bonus.

Also, Lin gets VC bonus for successfully acting as a leader in the meeting of the minds.

Lil - 320/322

Although your collab with Bob is good, one important thing: you don't know about A-rank bounties. Lilith doesn't even know who the D-rank bounties are. These are assassinations, not dead or alive posters. B-ranks and higher are strictly need-to-know basis and lower ranks are known only among the 12th.

It was fun to throw Lilith for a loop and see her stand her ground even as things spiraled out of control. The lack of certainty but abundant presence of confidence is what allowed her to pass. She didn't know what was going on, but she trusted her subordinate to do the right thing.

75 Div Bonus

Missing Woman (3276) 80/82
PM: Question of Judgment (4800) 240/240
​

Hare - 140/142

Although abrupt, the bonding between Tsubaki and Haresuno is always interesting to read. I realize I was rushing you a bit, but it still seemed a little incomplete overall.

75 Div Bonus

PM: Supporting Ideals (2837) 140/142
​

Lin - 310/310

Great job leading the group to prepare for Hueco Mundo. I had to laugh when Sene's char thought about how Sayis had 'molded' Ilsa while looking at her backside.

100 VC Bonus

PM: Picking Teams (3100) 310/310
​

Finny - 123/123

The camera stalker improves her lurking ability, as she pops in just long enough to register and then fades away.

Still interesting to see Picca working on her multi projects. Also weird to read about someone sleepy when you yourself are sleepy.

Our (1826) 91/91
PM: Picking Teams (321) 32/32
​

Bob - 80/82

See comments above. Please strike the "A-rank bounties" part from Lucas' memory. Although his investigation might turn up that little fact.

Missing Woman (3276) 80/82
​

Grif - 33/33

Not much to say here. You came, you posted, you vanished.

PM: Picking Teams (326) 33/33
​

Nell - 233/253

Good synergy in your collab with Pho. Nice example of fighting teamwork.

Your turns in Picking Teams could have been more involved. As it was, you wrote more than most in the thread but had a very minor impact on the story. Ideally you want it to be the opposite.

Seafood Surprise (5461) 137/137
PM: Picking Teams (1164) 86/116​

 

[Several Zombies]

Brorpheus! It looks like I'm grading again D8< Sucks for you!

To start, I will tactfully remind everyone that yes, we do have PM things going on, and yes, they are moving slowly (largely due to yours truly). Things will pick up next week, promise!

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to show off our new division banner courtesy of Nano. Much sleeker, I think. Since he hasn't posted it anywhere attainable I'm linking it here for you all to ogle. Take it in, gents. Take it in.

Now onto business!


Seika:

Just Run

What on earth is Alistair getting up to? Running from police, getting shot at by perturbed apartment dwellers? Madness. My sanity and I commend you for cutting back your ellipsis use, but as with last week you're still mushing sentences and dialogue together in places where they should be separated. Other than that, though, it was all fairly stellar. Ali talks to himself a lot. Also, they have strict gun laws in Japan as far as I'm aware. Where'd this lady get a shotgun?! I digress.

59/62


Thana:

Pretty Vegas

Holy piss you wrote a lot. I told you not to post this on a week I was grading. I hate you.

With that out of the way, I will say that this gargantuan chapter is well-composed. There was more than one instance of missed words in sentences but overall I found it to be largely free of any glaring errors. That's not to say there aren't any, but it's hard to keep track in such a huge piece. The flip-flopping between Ayako and Seryo was a little jarring at first, but it came together eventually. On that note, I'm not familiar with any of these NPCs. Where on earth did they come from? I agree with you in terms of the ending -- it could have played out a little better. Overall though, this was a good chapter. Kudos and please never dump so much writing on me again. Ever.

570/579 + 150 Division Bonus


Shun:

Picking Teams

Goddamn. You have the unpleasant honor of being graded by me after having to read Thana's monster of a chapter. Prepare for rage. Really though, this collab was fine. You played your part and were largely mistake-free. I noticed you were largely absent for the last two pages, as well. I don't really know what else to say other than that.

100/102

Childish Optimism

Optimism. Just what I'm lacking right now! Anyways. Same deal as above. Your writing was up to its usual quality. You could have picked a better collab partner though D8< *glares at Criss*. It was pretty disconcerting seeing someone RP their own characters love interest. Jus' sayin'.

117/119



That's all for this week, folks. No writing from me yet.