Grading Session for Week 197

[Rob]

AH > 4th/7th > 8th/13th > 3rd > 1st/10th > Orph > 11th > Cerb/Q > 9th > 12th > AH

1st/10th = Will
3rd = Van
4th/7th = Dips
8th/13th = Sene
9th = Rob
11th = Beaks
12th = Drag
AH = Tom
Cerb/Q = Moon
Orph = Zen​

Sumsin, Sumsin, Darkside.

Get grades in by Tuesday 11:59 PM EST​

​

 

[Rob]

[Drag-queen]

No Time to Breathe – [220/232]

-Okay, so first thing I see is you writing ‘the reiatsu cloak,’ it’s not inherently wrong actually, but this is more of a stylistic choice. I had rather you used ‘his reiatsu cloak’ because the ‘the’ part just seems so out of place.

-Also, in that first little paragraph of not even a hundred words... you used the word ‘had’ four times. This problem is basically the same as with using a name over and over again, try and use some different ways to say something. For example:

The speed had revealed him and removed the cloak

The speed at which they were travelling threw the young death god’s reiatsu cloak off of him and revealed him fully/wholly. Luckily enough there was no way for anyone to... etc...

Not only is mine more descriptive, and longer, it also removes one of the ‘had’ you had there going on.

-The thirteenth post, you wrote “and he had managed to attack from behind,” while nothing wrong at first glance, if you take a look at the previous part you realize you should add ‘him’ between attack and from.

-Also, lol way to memory jack your character, but anyway... I could go on about this collaboration, but I won’t. It was an interesting piece, and I enjoyed it. Kudos.


Oh, and you can take full Division Bonus because, apparently, no one wrote from my division.

 

[tminus31]

Saw nowt. Grading nowt. Tom out.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Rawbalicious

Noble Affairs - Wait for Me Now (52/52)

Once again a clean, crisp and entertaining piece of writing from you! I am really liking the way you introduced Mari-tan again and how you're tying all your plot lines together and trying to convey a good sense of the characters. I see nothing to dock you for writing-wise so ta da!

For my grader: http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49579-PM-C-10th-Week-196-Follow-the-Riddles! and http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/50187-4th-C-Week-197-Making-Friends-is-Cake and http://www.bleachforums.com/showthread.php/49920-C-Week-197-Strike-While-the-Iron-is-Hot

 

[bankzu]

Mitsu

[PM] [12th/12th/12th/Closed] Week 197: No Time to Breathe [105/118]

Okay so first of all, you did well in this collab with both characters. I would’ve liked a bit more description of them, since we got no idea on how they look. Three assassins following two others and not having enough balls to attack gave me a good laugh. Anyway, like I said, first off, try to be more descriptive when you introduce a character nobody’s seen before. Second, there were a lot of commas in your writing – where they shouldn’t be. It’s better to end a sentence and start a new one instead of pausing it with commas 5 times.

Example:

“Who do you call a sissy? You are the one standing in the back row all the time, while Carlos and me always attack from above, I tell you something, you are an even badder leader then Carlos is!”

Could be (changes in bold)

“Who do you call a sissy? You are the one standing in the back row all the time, while Carlos and I always attack from above. I’ll tell you something.You are an even worse leader than Carlos is!”

Other than that, there were a few paragraphs that you could’ve put together and made into one, but that’s not that much of a problem.

[12th] [Shikai] Week 197: Twisted worlds [64/67]

First of all, epic wc is epic. There were a few errors scattered here, not that much though. Here as well, I would like for you to describe the surroundings a bit more, emotions and the shikai spirits (among others).

Cad

[12th] Week 1197: Masquerade of the Dead (continued) [68/68]

Not much to say here. Excellent writing is excellent. I love the way you make everything clear, give me everything I need to know and at the same time you don’t halt the story. The chapters really took my breath away – ossumsauce!

[PM] [12th/12th/12th/Closed] Week 197: No Time to Breathe [217/217]

Again, you wrote like a baws. Found nothing to really complain about, so you get full marks for this one as well.

Tits

[PM] [12th/12th/12th/Closed] Week 197: No Time to Breathe [319/319]

Nothing wrong with this, other than that I forgot to grade you ('cause hey, when do you really get a chance to grade your captain?) Anyway, we finished the collab without you as you can see, would've liked to see the outcome of that if you were still here though.

Tod

No links so no grade for you.

Twm

You don’t write.

--------------------------------

Okay so we need to finish up those bounties by the end of this week, or we’ll make the targets escape or something (I’ll talk to Will if you don’t finish). This is urgent business gaiz!

As for the division bonus, Cad you get 100 (those pchaps really blew me away) and 50 for Mits.

Grading next week is done by Cad so send your writing to him!

PM or IM me if I missed anything.

 

[Kehengto]

Beaks: Loved the chapter though I was wondering if they were actually dancing or practicing swordplay. It is rather awesome to see the mighty Tsubaki be vulnerable on occasion. Everyone thinks of her as a monster of rei power and in some respect related her to Diega, but there is another side of her that you display so well here.
[71 / 71]

Sev: I enjoyed how this played out and how the two of you seemed to feed off each other with every turn that passed. The plot was progressed nicely with this collab, and hopefully we can finish phase one on time.
[122 / 61]

Seika: See comments above to Sev
[122 / 61]

Thana: I did enjoy the input on Tatiana's part especially the strong female gunner portayal that is her persona. Kind of a shame that the collab just seemed to stop.

[38/20]PM Bonus applied.

Everyone Else: no links = no grades

Orph: There will be a change up in the Orph thread.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Pho

Flash and Clang (52/52):

I like the way you approached Thread with this and how you guys got right into it, not to mention some hiccups with you trying the technique, even though you compared it to a similarly performed skill when you were in the Ninth. Well done. Also look at Threads comments to get the corrected part of the explanation of the power that comes with Kenkyouka...

Also you need to invite me to the google doc that made for our collab so I can send you a turn.

You may take 50 of the D Bonar

Thread

Flash and Clang (51/52):

The writing and flow were both good. You had a couple of unnecessary words in a few of your sentences, nothing that broken flow or anything. There is one thing I want to correct:

”You are getting better with keeping the reiatsu within the blade. What I want you to do next is to actually try to cast the kidou into the sword. Using this technique, the power of the spell in question drops whether you speak the incantation or not. But if you skip the incantation, then there is no need for you to speak anything at all,” The female shinigami explained.

When using Kenkyouka with the incantation, the power level of the spell imbued is not depreciated. When using this tech with complete bypass, it is. To sum it up a person using this tech can choose between surprise attack or power. However you need to communicate what spell you are using out of game with whom you are collaborating with, but that does not mean they can god-mod you and say they know what spell you are using.

Also note the capital T after your dialogue...

You may also take 50 of the D Bonar

Katie

Hello World (98/100):

Some mishaps with punctuation following quotations. To prevent this type of error I usually use italics to emphasize words rather than put them in quotes. Also when you used kidou, try to refrain from using bold font in each cast sometimes its good for dramatic effect, but when over used each one is down played. Other than that the writing was solid. No more newbie bonus for you hahahaha.

You too may take 50 of the division bonus. PS I sent you another turn a moment ago.


13th and Van I saw nothing from you guys. If I missed anything please PM me.

REMEMBER TO LINK ME YOUR WRITINGS UNTIL PM's ARE DONE.

 

[lilmangoseed]

Bob – 81/82

This was one of your best works yet! I’m really impressed with this chapter – it’s so good to see an introspective Lucas, especially since he was so confused during our last collab. I hope he finds his way soon.

Unfortunately though, I have to knock off a point. There were several grammatical errors that stood out, so try to proofread more in the future. Also, sadly, I can’t give you PM bonus here. Although, yes, this chapter happens during PMs, it’s too personal and doesn’t really advance HD’s plot. But start pursuing a mission so you can get PM bonus next time!

+ 100 Div Bonus
​

Nella – 181/183

The first chapter wasn't bad, but it’s definitely more of a transition piece. Nothing really happened =/ I’m excited for when Yuurei’s plot finally moves forward though! Also there were some minor grammatical errors… a missed word or something else here and there. Don’t forget to proofread!

The second chapter was much more interesting because there was a better story arc. Also, it was cleaner with less errors. I wonder if the two women in the chapters are the same. Fulvous and russet are pretty similar colors.

+ 50 Div Bonus
​

Zenny – ?

Didn’t see anything from ya, babe. Let me know if I’m wrong.​

 

[Divine Truth]

[Trio]
Making Friends is Cake: [56/56]

-Well what do we have here? Is that Akio…dare I say it…smiling and blushing? I even detected a hint of flirting there at the end. I knew Akio was growing up by leaps and bounds but this is an unexpected breakthrough!​

[Miho]
Flames That Consume My Soul: [70/75]

-As I mentioned last week, you are steadily improving but there are still some lingering issues to address. Keep working on identifying where indefinite articles are needed and which article to use. Issues of this nature will be annotated [1]. Your use of the correct tense has probably improved the most, but there are still a couple of problem areas below (annotated with [2]). Finally, keep an eye out for word order issues that occur between English and Polish (indicated by [3]). There are also instances pointed out where commas are needed.

Excerpt

A huge hollow swung with his bulky arm at his prey. The [1] sheer force of it was enough to push her backward along with leaving a few medium [‘moderately’ would probably sound better here instead of ‘medium’] deep wounds across her midsection.

“You still feel cocky, scum?” he mocked his opponent when she just stood up like the last attack was nothing and started new chant.

“Make my flesh adhesive, and bind my soul to stone. Bestow upon to me the reptile’s birthright, Bakudou number twenty four, Bansoukou,” her voice was still calm despite the [1] situation. Before the [1] woman [strike]was standing around eleven foots tall beast[/strike] stood a beast around eleven feet tall [3] with a pair of oversized arms that was reaching almost to the ground and an [1] ape shaped mask.

“Trying another trick?” he smashed the [1] ground causing his surroundings to shake for a moment. [strike]A[/strike] The [1] female shinigami only licked her lips and jumped [2] to the side, landing on some remains of the wall.

“Maybe or maybe I am getting [2] bored with toying with you,” she said and crawled [2] higher on the wall, still keeping [strike]his in[/strike] her gaze on the enemy.

“Get over here,” he yelled. While running ahead,he punched [strike]with all strength[/strike] the base of the wall with all his strength, causing it to start [strike]crumble[/strike] crumbling [2]. [3] (the whole paragraph)

“Bakudou number twenty seven, Keeji,” the golden-haired woman called out before jumping forward and landing almost flawlessly [2] behind him.

“What the?” he yelled [2] in anger feeling a steel cage forming around him.

“Halt! Confine to theses bars,” Anya strengthened the binding. Turning around, she unsheathed her zanpakutou and [strike]throw[/strike] threw [2] it toward her opponent’s neck.

“You think… that this… would slow… me down?” the hollow said, stopping almost after each word to cough up blood gathering in his pierced throat.

“No. It is [strike]supposes[/strike] supposed to kill you,” Kumiho said with a [1] cold voice. “Pierce the veil, Maya.”

Take 75 each of the DB.

 

[Beaks]

Alright, here we go.

Al - Pchap - Gonna be honest about this one. I had pretty high expectations when I started reading this on the count of you writing someone blind. (Serving under a blind Herald for a couple years tends to do that) Happily, I can say that you did not disappoint. As minuscule as they may seem small nuances like this can really make a character stand out:

"She resumed her steady walk and held her arm straight out in front with her index finger pointing and rotating in little spirals. Not circles, she hated circles"

What do circles and ovals have to do with exterminating Hollows? Not a damn thing. That's why it's awesome, and that's why this character can develop outside of another rank-and-file. No real issues as far as spelling or grammar go, and the whole fight (and the crazytiem leading up to it) played out well and kept the pace lively. Also, this line:

"Everyone slips sometimes."

Bad. Ass.

119/119 + 75 Div

Shun - Pchap - Goddamit Shun, after reading this I am absolutely riddled with Pac-Man Fever(TM). This is your fault. I did like the observation about how utterly simplistic the game was (After all, would any video game be hard after tangling with Hollows for 100+ years?). This is the point in the grading where I tell you that your work was without error as far as spelling or grammar, but things like that tend to take a backseat to the fact that you punched a man naked.

I'm sure if I were to delve into AH-Mechanic-Land I'd see that to do this (or send him airborne) you would need X Feat or Y Stat, but whatever. It worked, it made the storytelling lighthearted even in the thick of combat, which is what I have come to expect of you/Arashi.

57/57 + 75 Div

GG - Moon

Follow the Riddles - Ah yes, the riddle Kyle posed to me before PM's. It was a refreshing dose of realism that despite the fact that you're all empowered AH's who can see spirits and whatnot you are still conscientious enough to do it up in full Bomb Disposal Gear. Kudos on that one. I'm not sure how I feel yet about this whole Joker/Saw plot device of threatening to blow up a bunch of shit, but I'm willing to see where you guys go with this. Solid work, and hopefully you guys have the brains and brawn to save the day (Until the next PM's).

Because let's face it, shit never stays saved in HD.

93/93 x 2(PM) = 186/186

Strike While The Iron... - It got a little confusing in one or two places exactly who was talking between the two siblings, the flow of the chapter went rather well. I loved the descriptive language associated with a mundane activity like smashing a table and choking someone who refereed to his sister as a "bitc-haaauuugh." Good stuff. =)

-1 Point for making me do your word count.

32/33

Friendship Is Magic - I'm going to be honest (Again): Going from those two pieces of writing to this bubbly little assassin was fuckin weird. Not weird like "this breaks continuity and renders the storytelling experience in twain." Weird like "Jesus Christ the Gotei will give absolutely anyone a knife and not think twice about doing a psych work-up, won't they? That being said, Yaname reminds me (in more than one way) of Kakashi Hitome, and if that's not a compliment on my part towards your style of bubbly-female writing then I don't know what is.

Also, I laughed my ass off at the talking with her mouth full.

57/57

 

[Eidolon]

Garg - Inactivity flag coming soon.

Kchap - 89/89; I liked this chap a good deal. Character development based on modern events and desires of Shingo regarding the 9th. This is the kind of writing pchaps should be, nice work.

Mango - 146/146(pm bonus already added); Videl is simply put, not much like Lilith. Its good to see authors expanding their capability of writing, or in this case working continuing to showcase that talent. I was amused by Videl's casual attitude towards the whole affair, and the sort of air of disinterest she put in on a human matter instead of the severity it would have impacted most with.

Splitting the D-bonus between you two, 75 and 75.

 

[Code of the Noble]

Van

Skull chap (55/58):

Odd chapter indeed. The only thing that surprises me is that I have mentioned this to you before about the noble house Kikuchi, not Kuchiki. Kikuchi is noble house in HD Kuchiki is Byakuya's noble house, you uncultured swine!