Grading Session for Week 20

[Redfin]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Shade
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Nella
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Doc

Bunz
Hiren
Loko
Minj
Puppet
​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of December 2014 is:

[Oc] -> [Se] -> [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Ca] -> [Oc]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 12/30/14.

 

[The Liar]

I apologize about the below commentary, I'm a little out of it. In the event that I missed something, speak now.

Loko – The Mask
​

I might be a newcomer to your writing, but I didn’t find it too difficult to just jump right into this one. And boy, there’s some stuff happening in this piece!

First point is a little nitpick, and it is with regard to the third body of text at the beginning of the piece. While you mostly avoid the same problem throughout the remainder, this particular chunk of text is rather, well, chunky. It helps readability when a paragraph stops at around five lines, and while there are some exceptions it’s best to try to break some passages up. You may even find that when you break up some paragraphs that you have additional room to develop a character, or a description, or the scenery. It never hurts to add detail.

In that same vein a couple of bits of dialogue are subject to a similar issue. When writing dialogue, it’s usually best to enter a new line break when beginning a brand new line of dialogue.

Here’s an example:

The man on his left obeyed, turning the corner quickly. “We’ve got two doors,” Phantom reported, “Grim, come check the left.”

This comes up a few times in the piece. Generally to help give dialogue more visibility I’d recommend separating it from narration, like this:

The man on his left obeyed, turning the corner quickly.“We’ve got two doors,” Phantom reported, “Grim, come check the left.”

Of course, it doesn’t need to look exactly identical, this is just one possible method of handling dialogue.

As an aside, I want to give a shoutout to Katakato and his hatred of groins. Is this an epic setup for a showdown against the only fighter in all Araevis that wears a cup?? I digress.I also want to make a more general recommendation for you to proofread your work. Maybe not right when it’s finished, but before it’s about to be posted give your turns and chapters a quick read-through and you may find some things that you missed at first. This can not only cause occasional misspelling, but occasional mistakes in narration and the use of tenses. In a piece that largely relies on third-person past-tense narration, it’s especially jarring when either is dropped.

The drug from the dart then begins to take effect. First, his smell started to go.

This bit shows both tenses, and as I mentioned, the sudden change in tense sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s important to keep a lock on that, and proofreading is your best defense against it.

The above example carries a second issue. It’s the issue of showing versus telling. Telling is what you’ve done there, and it occurs throughout the piece — you come out and tell the reader what happens rather than describing it. Showing involves more description and can give to a reader a better sense of what a character is feeling.

Rather than tell the reader that Katakato’s limbs are going limp, or that his senses are going, you can take a moment and try to describe the sensation. Now, I’m not recommending that every little ligament tweak or muscle movement needs to be described in detail.

What I mean to say is that this particular scene is a good chance to really give your readers a look at Katakato’s reactions to being knocked out. It not only gives an opportunity to describe a sensory experience, but also the character’s own thoughts or even impulses as his consciousness fades away. Don’t be afraid to give it a try.

Towards the end of this piece, the pace seems to accelerate. Overall events went exceptionally quickly, but Katakato goes from drugged and locked up to free and on his own almost immediately.

If your preference is to write a character rolling through a Liam Neeson-like wave of unstoppable violence, I won’t stand in your way. I will, however, recommend that you try to smooth out events a bit. All that rushing will do for you is leave you at the end of a chapter with nowhere to go, and if you’ve got nowhere to go you might find yourself scrambling to put a proper ending on your chapter.

What we have here is an ending that just happens. There isn’t quite a denoument, and it doesn’t really bring closure to the events. I don’t necessarily expect all plot-related events to be tied with a bow by the end of a chapter, but certainly there is a smoother transition than this.

I’d recommend that next time you focus less on the day or time at which your chapter is finish, and focus more on when you’ve finished developing the events within it.

Stop Following Me!
​

I am a newcomer no more! I’m glad to see some continuity here.

Of course, I was rather shocked by the events that began this piece on your part. It again evokes the issue of showing versus telling. I’ll just take the chance to reinforce that it’s best to give the reader some idea of what your character experiences. As it stands, I’m left with a sudden transition that leaves quite a bit to be desired.

I don’t mean to harp too much on continuity, but I just want to pose a question. Geographical shenanigans can get weird, but the fact that Katakato didn’t know he was in Terminus (which is a fairly large, populous, and well-known metropolis) suggests he was likely still in Excelsus. Was he drugged and taken all the way to Terminus, or did he walk to the middle of Terminus in a sewer? Either way, it’d be quite the trip whether on foot or airship.

Little proofreading errors persist in this piece as they did your chapter. I’ll just reiterate that taking a second look at what you’ve written helps avoid them.

What jumped out at me throughout this piece is that it didn’t feel like much of a collaboration. On one hand, it’s fair to write one’s own plot wherever one goes, but when more than one writer enters the mix it’s important to maintain a proper flow of events. Here, it seems less like two writers came together to depict an event involving both of their characters, and more like a chapter centered on Katakato featuring some other people that are treated like set pieces.

My first recommendation is to try to involve the other writer, and not to treat what they do as an attack on your vision of your own plotline. My second recommendation is to communicate with any and all participants and try to discuss how events will play out.I don’t want to harp on this too much. Just keep it in mind for the future.

Onto bigger and better things! Let’s look at what’s happening in Terminus when Katakato leaps out of the sewer: Magister Eximium, a fairly important public figure, was murdered by a terrorist group shortly before they screened a vlog for all of Terminus to watch. Then, everybody that was nearby was brought in for questioning and all available guards were set on high alert.

Then, when Katakato shows up, a huge number of guards appear to be hired goons employed by Katakato’s own (fairly violent) brother. These guards, or rather goons, happen to be so numerous as to overpower a group of real (?) guards in broad daylight.

This is a bit of a problem. There is a world around you and normally, any action taken in non-plot-related chapters and collabs don’t break into it. However, a faction of guards working for somebody whose family originates in Excelsus killing a squad of Terminus’ own guards on the day of Eximium’s assassination of all days is the kind of thing that has real consequences.

I’m not telling you that this will actively get in the way of your plot in the future, but rather, to try to contain your plot and maybe pay greater attention to plot-related events.That’s all the time we have for today. Try to take in what I’ve recommended here and see for yourself how some of the changes open up possibilities in your future writings.

Hiren — Epoch 1-3
​

When I woke up today I didn’t expect that I’d learn anything about the Enlil and their sick magical sky trams, nevermind their religion and ceremonies. In fact I specifically assumed I’d remain ignorant.

I really liked the ‘I’m late!’ opening, but then I always like that kind of opening. Even though this introduced me to Ateius I felt it gave a good sense of him as a character. Of course, there’s much more that could be done to pull his mannerisms out, but that’s for future chapters.

I found the new characters well-depicted and unique enough to stand out from one another. I have the problem of envisioning all Enlil as looking identical to the Rito from Windwaker no matter how many times I read or see examples otherwise. Still, I’m interested to see more.

I’m repeating myself now, but I’d really like to see more of what Ateius. The end is clearly meant to be a cliffhanger, but is it a lead-up to shenanigans of the temporal sort? The suspense!

Until Proven
​

So this is the fabled collab-within-a-collab. I enjoyed that it doesn’t take too long for Urias and Phorcys to go from two random onlookers to theory-crafting the existence of the Vis and discussing the lore of the Old Ones.

​

For his part, Urias is visibly nervous which carries nicely from his introduction to the celebration back in 500 Years. Your narration does a good job of conveying Urias’ general mood and his internal struggle to keep himself composed.

I did notice some tiny proofreading errors here and there. Little things like typos or letters sitting in places they don’t belong. If my suspicions are correct and some of these are the result of typing on a tablet’s surface then you must’ve had quite the time dealing with autocorrect. Or, you were on a computer with a full keyboard the whole time. Either way, do more better/proofread more/et cetera.

I complain about this far too much, but I am discovering Urias for the first time now and maybe normally I wouldn’t have context for much of what’s going on. However, what I saw here wasn’t mired in any such shenanigans. It was a well-done collab that happened within another collab. Maybe next time you could double up? I dare you!

Will — Until Proven
​

Again, I’m grading you when you’re not writing any of your main characters. Granted, I have a greater understanding of certain characters and their arcs since my last entry, but it was something I noticed.

I found that Vexus was noticeably different from the other saints that you’ve portrayed over the course of these events. On the other hand, he seemed to have a similar general manner to his fellows as far as their decorum during this round of questioning. Is it accident that they seem to prefer convincing their detainees to point the finger at one another? It’s food for thought — for me, that is.

Other than that I want to give a small shoutout to little visual cues. Things like Vexus’ reaction to saying the name of the organization that killed his companion, or giving up halfway through complaining about an open door. I don’t want to go out and call Vexus ‘relaxed’ given the gravity with which he views his line of questions, but it, again, makes him a unique character amongst the trio of saints that set out to question the witnesses.

I’m echoing comments made before, but I’m very much interested in seeing how these events pan out. I think it’s too bad that there wasn’t quite enough time to question everybody present, particularly because I wanted to see Urias put under even more pressure, but what’s done is done.

Minja — That Greatest Vice
​

I’m not quite sure how, but yours ended up being last. I opened the tabs in the wrong order? Well, this is how it is now.

Let’s open up with a point I’ve brought up before. While this is not strictly dialogue, it is inner monologue and falls under the same rules. It violates a pet peeve of mine.

The spurii had narrowed her eyes and was boring a hole in the door separating them from the surface, What the hell gives them the right to accuse me of anything without basis?

Even for bits that involve a character’s own thoughts, to maximize readability and ensure that both monologue and dialogue are easily parsed from narration, Aelflead’s thoughts ought to be given a line of their own. Each new instance of dialogue or monologue needs a fresh line so that readers can easily spot it.

There is a bit of a problem that shows very early on and it is also related to Aelflead’s inner monologue. I don’t mind that you developed her mood with passages focusing on her thoughts, but I do mind that it seemed to ramble somewhat. I won’t go and say that you only used it to buffer your wordcount but I do think that there are better ways to dive into one’s train of thought.

Instead of just splaying out her thoughts, try to focus on descriptions of Aelflead’s point of view. Give the reader an idea of what she’s looking at and what about her appearance or surroundings capture her attention. You can use physical cues to give your readers an idea of her thoughts without having to just come out and say it. There’s no harm in using a little nuance to bring the reader to a certain conclusion as opposed to just labeling your character’s feelings.

Having said all that, you posted a grand total of six times in this thread and I still feel that I got surprisingly little of Aelflead. What I found was that she was scared, but also angry, but she wanted to stay calm, except she suddenly slipped into a fit of PTSD when her fellow detainees initiated her arrest.

All of these are just a range of emotions and not a flow of her character as the situation changed. To do this you’ll have to focus more on how she is feeling and, rather than trying to just tell the reader “she feels war rage!!” you could opt to describe her movements and pose. Little cues, even bits of narration surrounding dialogue, can do more to communicate a character’s general manner than holding up a sign labeled with an emotion.

I want to give yet another shoutout to Aelflead’s open and honest distaste for authority. It may be the worst venue imaginable to have that attitude, but it’s sure something to watch.Joking aside, there are some proofreading errors covering most of your posts. I’d highly recommend that you give your writings a second look so as to properly and cleanly convey what you’d like to say with each post. It doesn’t take much time, and even reading what you’ve written out loud can help to point out any little errors.

Now, it’s not necessarily your fault that thread was made to conclude in the way it did. However, there is something about Aelflead’s actions throughout that break the line between a character that dislikes authority and a cartoon character. It can sometimes be a little difficult, but when it comes to characterization we sometimes have to separate ourselves from the character.

Part of this is figuring out just what kind of person Aelflead is, but really, when surrounded by guards and a saint with the authority to imprison you, it’s not very believable that anybody older than the age of 9 would be so combative. It sure didn’t help keep Aelflead out of jail.

Grades
​

Loko

• The Mask: 122/133
• Stop Following Me: 159/176

Hiren

• Epoch 1-3: 183/183
• Until Proven: 280/281 PM Bonus Included

Will

• Until Proven: 520/520 PM Bonus Included

Minja

• That Greatest Vice: 224/235 PM Bonus Included

 

[Several Zombies]

Sorry for the lateness guys. Got called away last night. Still getting into the swing of grading again.

PM bonuses have been applied.


Hare: 457/457 + 75 Div

The Joker

Again, you make a good showing of the dialogue. The rapport between your characters always comes across as feeling organic and well paced, so kudos for that. The cheekiness from both parties here made the first chapter quite an interesting read, and the second showed that Kincaid's not afraid to step it up when things get heavy, revealing a more serious side of himself. Overall it was a great read. Full points and some bonus, to boot.

The Greatest Vice

Again with the snark! Although in this instance it's a little less appropriate. Should probably keep your head down and your mouth closed in situations such as this, but it's clear Kincaid isn't that type of guy. This was a decent read, and you did a better job with keeping up the tone of the collab than most.

Val: 216/216 + 75 Div

The Greatest Vice

Man Deni seems grumpy. Though you weren't as active in here as some others, you did a good job of keeping the flow going, albeit with a lot of introspection towards the beginning. I'm curious as to why Deni seems unaware of the reason they've all been rounded up, though. It was such a big deal that it seems like something everyone would know about, involved or not. Other than that you did a good job. Your writing was on point and I didn't pick out any major flaws. Kudos.

Raph: 744/744

The Greatest Vice

I liked your portrayal of Adria here, and I have to give you props for mostly keeping your cool with all the ridiculousness going on in this collab. Her anger at the light-hearted attitude of the detainees really served to characterize her and show that she really took the assassination of Magister Eximium to heart. Overall your turns served as a great anchoring point for the collab, although I wish some of the other participants had done a better job keeping the tone consistent. Your writing was up to its usual standard, so there's nothing much for me to harp on, there. Good job.


Shadow of a Doubt

Having read this one right after the previous collab, I found an interesting juxtaposition between Deimar and Adria. Your portrayal here really gives off a different, distinct feel from the last, which to me at least, shows that both these NPCs were well-characterized in your writing. Deimar was a lot more cool-headed and affable when compared to Adria. He seems to have this air of frailty or senility about him that kind of belies how coy he is (though you seemed to illustrate that at a few points throughout the collab). Overall it was a good read. There wasn't as much nonsense in this one to distract from the meat of the collab, and I think your portrayal of Deimar really shone through. Writing quality, as with the last collab, was up to the usual standard. Full points.

 

[K3]

CASTUS GRADING​

Freckles:

555/588 - The Aquila Audax [5879]​

Jeez dude, lengthy. So let's tackle this in order, because I've got three specific things I wanted to talk about for this.

First, I like what I'm reading of HAL in this mission. His expanded, dry trains of thought are well-contrasted against the more vibrant characters he's interacting with. With that said, your pacing suffers tremendously in this chapter, so it's going to be the big second thing I talk about.

Pacing is probably the trickiest beast in writing. It's not something I can really explain to you, so much as something you get a feel for over time. I'm gonna start with an example of your chapter, though:

From a certain perspective, the small airship could resemble a bullet. HAL had been attracted by the aerostat from the first moment he had seen it, as a light in the night. ...The android had chosen that particular aircraft for various reasons. Mainly, it seemed to possess the right dimension to hold his twenty barrels. At the same time, it was small enough that a reduced crew could man it. To say the truth, his original objective was to steal one...

When you transition from one paragraph to another (as represented by the ellipses), you immediately switch the current topic of thought. Without resolving the previous topic, even passingly, there is no sense of lead-in for the next topic. Had Hal finished his thoughts on the ship in the vein of its appearance, whether by shaking himself of his admiration or by lamenting his intent for such a marvel of engineering, the next topic is reached organically, as one might through an actual thought process.

The pacing issue is only made worse with the inclusion of line-breaks. Now, I'm not saying they don't have their place when an immediate transition of scenery is needed, but you placed yours in such a way that robbed your chapter of its momentum. I really enjoyed you taking your time with the pre-launch for the airship, so when you suddenly cut away from the actual launch itself to immediately transition into being in flight, I was wondering why the chapter had continued. At that point, you could've (and perhaps should've) cut the chapter away there and posted the rest as another chapter.

You do this again, near the end of the chapter, to cut out the process of landing and dismounting from the airship itself. Even the conversation with Capri is so short as to feel robbed of the momentum the chapter had built up.

Moving on from this, I appreciate you taking the time to give us more insight into how Hal perceives the world. I do wonder what Capri could have in store for Hal, especially after he was swindled by the demvir, but he seems wily enough for it to be in his favor regardless.

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 392/392 - Shadow of a Doubt [1961]​

I feel bad for leaving Hal out of the questioning until the last possible second, but I really appreciate you and the others making the most of being stuck in a tent with nothing much to do. Hal, by comparison to Vesper and Dio, comes across as very pensive and reactionary. He doesn't seem to broach conversation unless approached himself, something that seems very typically demvir.

You do very well with having his patience slowly wear and dissipate, but having him so suddenly transition to brooding and huffing once left to his own devices felt a bit jarring. Try to keep track of where your character's mood is sitting for the duration of a collab or chapter; people's moods don't change on dimes. Not much else to say here, good job and I hope you enjoy the rest of the PMs.

Lambo:

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 198/198 - Shadow of a Doubt [986]​

Poor Vesper, being so terrified and not getting to really dig into it.

As with Freckles, I want to commend you for making the most out of a bad situation. You took the chance to familiarize your character with Dio and Hal, and her panicked and enthusiastic demeanour was a good contrast to Dio's passive-aggressiveness and Hal's introspection. Wish I could've given more time to Vesper, so hopefully we'll be able to give her more screen-time in the coming weeks.

Good work this week, Lambo. Keep it up.

Shades:

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 375/422 - Until Proven [2105]​

Holy worldbuilding, guys. Bravo and kudos to both of you for taking a passing talk about the Vis and turning it into a massive expansion on local and lesser deities. I seriously hope you both consider submitting these for canonization, because they're great.

Moving on from that, though, you still have some of your old dialogue troubles from HD. As below:

...After taking a long refreshing drink and restoring the small container back to whence it came, the velen to a deliberate stride across the hall before the laicar. With a small smirk he offered the small leather bound tome to the man. "It is not so often," Phorcys began, "that I am privileged with speaking with another learned individual. Care for a glace? I promise nothing bad shall come of it."

You should've had a new paragraph begin at "With a small smirk...", initiating dialogue means new paragraph. Even further than that, I asked you in an IM to proofread your work and... I don't think you did. In the above example alone, there's a missing word somewhere in "the velen to a deliberate stride across...".

I cannot stress enough, it doesn't matter how long you've been writing or how good you are, that proofreading is vital. Stuff like this kills the great back-and-forth you and Arun had going, and takes readers right out of the conversation. Even if you're only glancing over it in Word before you post it, proofread your turns Tyler.

Guest Grader: Finny:

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 220/220 - Until Proven [1102]​

I really enjoy the example you put forth in this collab for being questioned. Cicely had just the right mix of wanting to help, being worried for herself, and being clueless as to the events going on.

Having her specifically doubt her own memory when Vexus calls into question certain details was a great touch, and helped make Cicely feel very human for the collab. Unfortunately, there's not much I can say on this as you were first up and first out, but I wanted to commend you on setting a great example for the rest of the collab to follow.

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 305/310 - Static Shock [1545]​

Operation Triple Sic feels like it should have an exclamation point in the title, just saying. Your cast of characters is always so great to read, I feel like I've said it too many times by now. They feel like the worst realization of celebrities being superheroes. All the attention-seeking and clever play on the usual style they're presented in makes them all the more charming for it.

The asides are still the best thing ever, to me, but having the two be one after another felt a bit jarring as far as formatting goes. The indent is a good indicator for them, but I feel like you might've benefited from having a couple lines of narrative break up Colonna's and Vacca's asides to avoid the weird look of two indented segments one after another.

Whiskey is best codename, that's all.

I put it around here somewhere...

Oh, found it.
That Greatest Vice
Shadow of a Doubt​

 

[Redfin]

Pls, Bob, pls.

Moon
Until Proven: 88 x 2 (plot) = 176

I am fully enjoying your portrayal of the spurii distrust of other people that Aeria has built up over the years. Especially when compared to the other people in the thread, such as Cicely who is all for whatever the Arcanum is doing and Phorcys, who has a different belief but still with respect for the system, Aeria is the most cautious out of the bunch.

Her measured reactions and standoffishness in the face of authority really reveal a lot about how she's been treated in the past.

---

Doc
Shadow of a Doubt: 230 x 2 (plot) = 460

I still want to point out that demvir are considered living individuals that feel pain and can get affected by random things such as flashes of light. The official stance on demvir is that they as capable as organic races in both good ways and bad ways. If Dio knows that and still sees them as dolls for study, that's cool. That would be a real Franken-scientist vibe.

Man, Dio is selling everyone out.

"I may be in no position to place guilt," Dio felt the beginning of a small rush. "But I do not believe in events occurring with such precision and yet still being coincidental.

This would work better as one sentence, as such:

"I may be in no position to place guilt," Dio felt the beginning of a small rush, "but I do not believe in events occurring with such precision and yet still being coincidental.

Now then, onto the turns themselves. Do you really need 400 word turns to answer some questions? Some introspection is nice, but too much of it gets in the way of the action flow. I daresay there's too much detail in your posts to the point where nearly every sentence is punctuated by some movement. I did take away that Dio has poor blood flow, so he needs to move around a lot. He also has carefully measured responses.

 

[swaswj]

Writing tagged with [Plot] in week 017 and onward will count for twice the normal point value.

Berri - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Bish - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Dys - 422/430 + 42 Consec + 100 Faction

While there's no inherent problem in Harper's turns in this collab, the collab as a whole is a little bit of a mess. It feels as if you and Loko were writing against each other, not with each other. There were a number of typos throughout Loko's turns, and I can tell that neither of you took time to proofread. Remember, even though you need to focus on your turns, you're both responsible for the final product -- if you see errors in the other writer's turns, fix them or discuss them.

I can feel your OOG frustration building throughout the collab. Harper is steadfastly trying to not be involved in Katakato's problems, and despite extremely flimsy reasons, everyone seems to be pursuing him. Even while distracted by fighting Katakato and a smoke bomb, Msalito manages to leap over his opponent to stop Harper from leaving. Again, I can't really fault you for your turns, which are very much in character for Harper. The problem seems to be a lack of communication, with both you and Loko trying to write a very different story. I give you credit for sticking with it to the end, but in the future, I'd recommend working with your collab partner to decide what works for both of you. The final product will be much more cohesive, and it will feel more like advancement for both of your characters.

In the PM thread, it's a little surprising how upbeat and cheerful Ignis was acting, but the final two turns really bring it home. It still feels a little like a retcon, but the idea that her ambivalence was a coping technique rather than genuine lack of care helps to reconcile her actions with her usual nature. Now, off to jail!

+100 Faction

Stop Following Me (3519) 172/176
PM: The Greatest Vice (1266) 250/254​

Kaze - 00/00

Don't see anything this week.​

Rob - 267/274 + 27 Consec + 100 Faction

The chapter had several small errors. It made things read somewhat awkwardly. Since it was already an awkward scene, it really hurt the flow. Little things like "being" instead of "been" or "her" instead of "he" are usually not a problem, but the atmosphere in the chapter seemed to make them stand out more. In regard to the chapter itself, Alex's persona eludes me. At one point he seems nonchalant about the idea of his daughter being sacrificed, then the next he's worked up over her being in danger. It seems odd that he would merely be worried about losing their sacrifice.

Aranea's hesitation was a good attempt to give her a little more humanity, but her reasons were hesitating (and for getting past that hesitation) felt muddled. At this point Rosa is an adult, so it's a little late to think about telling her husband just because he's her husband -- I feel as if there would need to have been something more urgent to prompt the sudden doubt.

The Crow/Wolfram remains enigmatic. Somehow he knows immediately that something is going on in Terminus, but there's a distinct lack of long-distance communication options -- and he doesn't seem the engineering sort to have fancy gadgets. Does that make him an alchemist with scrying abilities? One final note: there's only one Magister, and Eximium has been it for as long as most people have been alive. Wolfram shouldn't really be downplaying that as 'one of their magisters.'

I liked how Sigrid's role was played in the PM thread. She was haughty and suspicious, and the sincerity in her condemnation of HAL and in her expression of her personal shame really helped to define her character. The fact that she's also stirring up the PMs is always good -- I'm almost always in favor of taking the brash action that moves the plot versus the safe action that steps on no toes.

That said, there were a few more typos, things like "did not fully trusted" where it should be "did not fully trust." One that may be less obvious is when you discussed Sigrid's past, you used "Right of Passage" and "Right of Rule" -- the first should be "Rite of Passage," as in a task or ritual to complete before passing to adulthood or some other milestone in development. The second refers to the actual right to rule, and so it is correct.

+100 Faction

Close to Midnight (1100) 105/110
PM: Shadow of a Doubt (820) 162/164​

Sev - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

My Writing:

2,600 - Week 020 - Until Proven (Vexus, Open) [Plot]​