Alright ladies and gents, Hare’s taking over for grading this week. We’re all back and action with a vengeance. And by vengeance I mean that me and Nella wrote shit-tons as a welcome back HD. Then again with more than a month of waiting what do you expect?
I only saw Nella’s klab list so if I missed anything PM me.
1st Division
Nella 320/350
Abnormal 152/182
Blooming 68/71
Gem 100/100
All I'm missing from the above titles is "Delta" and I've got a new area I can Gate to, ahahaha.
Okay, so, in Abnormal you paired up with gun-ho Eiji to nab a murderer in the 12th district. This all starts out fine and dandy with you two jaunting out of Seireitei, but the first hiccup comes from leaving Seirei and getting to the 12th District in a matter of a few hours. Seireitei itself is (someone correct me if I’m wrong) three times the size of Tokyo, and each district is a Tokyo in itself. The two of you do not have a car so traveling in a couple of hours is unlikely. Even with flash step it would have taken you a better part of the morning and into the afternoon
With that in mind, this little problem messes with the whole concept of time for your klab. And it shows. Not just in your writing, but in your character’s speech. At one point Yuurei made it sound like they had just left Seireitei moments ago to solve a murder at a bar that happened an hour ago. You can’t see my face, but it was pretty damned puzzled when I got there.
Next y’all find the murderer with very little detective work, and before verifying that it is indeed him and not some poor slob who was unlucky enough to look like him. There’s a scene like this in Julius Caesar where a poet is killed on the premise that he has the same first name as one of those who killed Caesar, and for that he’s killed. But you guys don’t even flat out kill him - which part of me went “Huzzah!” for - and instead played Dexter Morgan on his sorry ass with Kidou - which part of me totally went “Aaahhh... dammit... Hare will have paperwork for this.... Owait, no he won’t ahahahahahaha.”
And then more people come in and the klab goes a bit down hill from there in my opinion. Not only did a normal soul survive a Soukatsui + double bindings, but he got right back up to fight. Normal souls should be taken down with a simple binding alone. You’ve seen how Ichigo had to struggle against Rukia’s binding en ep. 1, and he could only move because he had reiatsu.
When you’re enemy can fling around magic fireballs that incinerate, and you can’t, you rethink things over real quick. It all just seemed a little poorly written for how it should have played out. Arrogance or not.
My advice for this klab, or future lengthy klabs like this, is before posting to re-read them. If there are parts that make you skip a thought, or have you re-reading them to understand parts, it’s probably not clearly written and should be fixed. Also your character reactions need to stay consistent, or at least have a believable defined reason for changing their responses. At one point Yuurei comes across a dismembered head and gags, and later when a goon shows her a pile you don’t even see her flinch.
Aside from that there were spelling errors, missed words, or sentences which weren’t constructed properly. Small things that can easily be fixed by re-reading before posting. It’s something the both of you should be doing, and not only for your turns.
Your next klab with Threads had significantly less problems with it then the above mentioned. Mainly that there wasn’t any sort of real build up to the hollow or even a life-or-death struggle that was believable. So main problem so far? Characters have yet to feel real. Regardless of the fact that this is an RP based off an anime, the characters still need to be believable.
Your chapter had even less problems then the klabs, with only spelling errors dotting it. Not too sure if I enjoy reading Yuurei, but that may be due to her character. Kinda ungrateful and shrewd so far.
Guest Grade
Moon
Epic Rap Battle 58/59
Nightmare 51/53
Files 101/102
You aren't a special snow-flake, so no awesome long commentary with jokes in it for you.
It seems like I'm jumping into to a continued collab, though there is no link or note about the events before this. Which for you, maybe fine, but to me it makes everything a lot more... oh what's the word... disorienting? A lot of what goes down in this piece seems really meshed together or happening all at once with no rhyme or reason. For all I know you two decided it'd be cool for your two characters to join up and hog-tie a hollow - which given the current events in the RP is more unlikely. Even the ending seemed kind of rush, or jumbled.
Also that hollow y'all fought. I don't remember too keenly, but if that was a freshly made hollow then it should not have been able to use a cero. Cero is an ability for hollows that have reached 5k emptiness mechanics wise, or if it's more towards a menos level.
Finally remember that all numbers should be written out. Some graders might accept numbers over 100, but typically any number should be written out.
Your second collab was pretty decent, though there were parts which seemed to jump scenes with no explanation and I had to puzzle together where one scene ended and another end. And as much as I appreciated the Noir style ex-cop, for this it seems like it still needs work.
And then there's your chap. This felt extremely detached from what I've been seeing in your writing. I'm not entirely sure if that was what you were going for, but I can't say that I enjoyed it. To me it read like a lot of statements, not really delving into the emotions of the character (any of them would have done, but it didn't read like any one of them was the object of the story) and as a result it wasn't as good as it could have been.
So, mainly the problem was style, and odd absence of commas -which can be attributed to the style-.
Also Epic Rap Battle: Nightmare Files is ttly epic
you and I will pick up on your meeting with sene. Let me know when you want to start.
