Grading Session for Week 202

[swaswj]

Grading will be based off your faction last week, before everyone played musical factions. We'll get more fancy with it later.

Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 6 -> Group 1
​

• 
  [*=7]Group 1: 1st Division
  [*=7]Group 2: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
  [*=7]Group 3: 8th Division
  [*=7]Group 4: 11th/4th Divisions
  [*=7]Group 5: 12th Division
  [*=7]Group 6: AHs

1st div, send me your links.

For my grader, I believe all I had last week was the Espada threads.

 

[Beaks]

M'kay. Grading is going to be passed by chain of command for the remainder of December. I'm going to be balls-ass busy and won't have time. So it's gonna go like this:

Wayne -> Shun -> Al -> Switch

If Wayne doesn't want the points, it goes to Shun, etc, etc.
That being said, Wayne, you're up.

 

[Wayne]

Roger that baus.

PM me your work fellas, and I'll get to it soon.

 

[Eidolon]

Third Division . . . Er, Group 2 "the new" breakdown

If in fact, Rawb and Shade were the only G2s to write, I bestow upon them a split G2 bonus. +80 for Rawb, +70 for Shade.

Rawb - Expectations I[2036] - 102/102; I was wondering how well Nana would fit into the third, and judging from her personality in this chapter, its possible she just might do very well within. Theron can be strict, but he's hardly the jackass her father can be. None the less, this was a good chapter and a fine glimpse into the life of a potential shinigami before their days in the Academy or division. On a technical note, I noticed one or two tensing errors or words that didn't quite mesh, but it wasn't enough to detract from the read, so it isn't enough to detract from the points.

For Every Beginning[1523] - 76/76; If you're going to be thuggin', why not take a thug? Poor Josh, in this chapter you set him up to be unlikable, then killed! The redeeming aspect of his performance before his demise makes it a tad more unfortunate from the reader's perspective, and the abrupt cut at the end makes you wonder just what really happened (I have my guesses). Over all, pretty good.

Shade - Renaissance[1,333] - 67/67; I like the tone and mood of this piece as it progresses. Definitely marching towards the sort of thought processes and behavior I'm hoping to see from the Q. You aren't paranoid when the SS is actually out to get you. (+ VC bonus)

For my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?34849-C46-12th-Week-Dancing-on-Barbed-Wire

 

[Shadowwind]

Shady says: I didn't see anything from the 10th or 7th if I'm wrong PM me.

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Grades Week 202​

First off, some housekeeping business. Let's give a big ol' 12th div welcome to Sherry and Dil. Always good to get some new blood flowing in here. Secondly, let's bid adieu to Cad and Drag (at least for now) as they'll be leaving us for the comfy confines of the 7th division for the foreseeable future.

Sooo many words. Let's get started shall we?

Drag
P-chaps
Okay, so right off the bat, your opening paragraph is funky and wonky in terms of wording and syntax, at least, it's worded differently than common convention would have it. Then, in your second paragraph, I'm pretty sure you're writing out the dude's thoughts but really fail to make any indication of it. I have no problem with this happening as long as it is consistent (i.e., not italicized one time then italicized the next). However, this is not the case here.

Other pretty basic errors here and there, none more obvious than this one:

harder for him to move, but for every small movement one of the guards did, he could make a small bit of sound. The rustle their armors made was loud enough for that to be possible.

That is literally the start of your paragraph. I'm pretty sure you know better than this. I don't know if you cut and pasted this stuff wrong but you should probably double check all your work once you post it to clear up errors like this one.

A door without much substance, yet probably the hardest one he was going to pass. It wasn't as easy as to just break through it, or even sneak in.

Okay, so these are two sentence fragments in a row at the start of a paragraph and I have no clue what the hell they're trying to say. Maybe that's a wee overstated but the point remains the same. There needs to be both a subject and a verb to be a sentence. “Jimmy pooped.” is a sentence. “Jimmy with poop running down his thigh.” is not.

These silly errors decrease or altogether vanish in your two later chapters which really make the aforementioned chapter all that more puzzling.

[155/179]

Collab with Tod
So I'm going to assume that this takes place before PMs then .

One thing I noticed in this collab is that you lapsed into passive tense quite a bit.

EXAMPLE:

Only a few steps away was the great hollow, rampaging and destroying the forest in front of him.

Passive tense, while not inherently wrong, is seldom used in writing because it's, well, passive. You're probably better served if you switch it up, letting the action be more aggressive.

The great hollow was only a few steps away, rampaging and destroying the forest in front of him.

This way, the action is more straightforward and the prose ceases to meander and flounder as much as it did in your version.

In terms of errors, there were some little things here and there. Flash-step is hyphenated. When indicating location, you use “beside” not “besides,” which is used more as a colloquial term in lieu of something like “On the other hand.”

Sooooo, are Eiji and Tod going to shower together after the mission? Because if they do, I am NOT grading that collab.

[60/66]

Nuuuuuuuuu they're stealing you guys from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
So as I've told both of you guys in chat, while I don't like having my two strongest warriors taken from me, your chars did both serious eff up you mission and kill two completely innocent people so punishment would ensue. That being said, I'm not entirely sure why this case is being so scrutinized compared to some of the other 12th div failures that have occurred over the years(oh boy are there many of them). Good writing on both of your parts. Love clueless Eiji completely having brainfarts across the entire chamber and being absolutely useless. Additionally, I really liked Igasho's increasing desperation as the C46 tried increasingly stringent ways to buttrape him. Have fun in the 7th both of ye'.

Cad: [149/149]
Dragu: [69/71]

Cad
Hanging on a Beard
Ugh. You guys couldn't have chosen colors that were a little more different from each other could you? (Not that it really matters.) Anyways, I thought this collab was... cute? The interaction between Igasho and Nashira was really well played out in that Sundance film festival style. Although one does really have to wonder if she really chose the right division. No problems here.
[95/95]
See the entry above for your PM thread grade.

Tod
P-chap
So I've notice that you may need a wee bit of work on your word variety

Opening the window he took the letter and tossed the kid a coin. He quickly read over the letter and sighed. He didn’t want to work today. It was so nice out, perfect reading weather. He crumpled the letter and threw it into the fire, hoping that this mission wouldn’t be all that difficult and he could finish it quickly.

Check that out. You literally used letter every single time you could while referring to it, making the paragraph monotonous. You don't have to embellish your references to the letter or something. I mean, you could literally refer to the letter as “it” at a couple of points and it would be easier to swallow. You've got a good foundation as a write but you just need help putting up bricks for the wall. One of such bricks would be things like making sure you use commas in the middle of complex sentences to separate one action from the other:

As soon as the tall girl entered the room she headed straight for the safe

You also have the opposite problem wherein you needless smash multiple sentences together to create run-on abortions.

Dressing in all black she roamed the streets, if she was lucky she’d find him soon, if not then she’d have to hunt him down.

Written correctly, it should look like this:

Dressed in all black, she roamed the streets. If she was lucky, she'd find him soon. If not, then she'd have to hunt him down.

You have this exact problem at the end f poth of your p-chap segments for the week.

[60/66]

Collab with Drag
I don't even want to know who decided that the hollow would name his weapon “boner”. Once again, while there are no major grievous errors, there are a multitude of little errors littering this collab.

Tod’s eyebrow raised on confusion.

“On”? Not really sure what you were trying here because even with “with,” the sentence still seems a bit wonky.

Another thing, apostrophes always come between the thing that is doing the possessing and the “s” unless your referring to multiple things as the possessor. Therefore, it is “creature's” and not “creatures'”. Once again, watch the comma thing too.

[60/66]

PM Thread
Once again, you're your own worst enemy when you write. Silly stupid errors that you know better than to do are bringing you down like a cop taking away all your drugs, man.

"Wait, I recognize you," the braided soul reaper said. "I saw you my first day as a soul reaper. You're dead, how? why? what're you doing moving around?!"

New sentences always begin with a capital letter. You know this. I know this. We all know this. This isn't the only time this happens in this collab. You've had to read what I wrote in the rest of your grades and the same applies here. Check your writing, double-check your writing, minimize errors to make your grader happy.

In terms of content here. I love how hyper-active Tod seemed here. That being said, he kinda comes off as a bit of an oaf in places with the leaping in before he looks thing and the quick to act thing. But that's just who he is. Interesting how he kept trying to deflect leadership of the group though.

[155/173]


Draggu's got the rest of you. Tits out.

 

[swaswj]

Time to see if I can remember how to do this.

So, things will be a little more simplified. Much as I'd like to go more in-depth like I used to, time and responsibilities make that difficult.

So, PMs: If you're in Hueco Mundo, you need to post in the combined Hueco Mundo thread -- either contribute to the fight or start planning an exit strategy! If you're in Seireitei, there are two hot spots: Ishin and the assassin, or the C46 chambers. Tokyo is at risk of being blown sky high, as well, so expect things to be happening on Earth.

Hare - 84/84

Fun display of different tactics. I particularly like how you countered Lucia's counter by using Cursed Mark, even if it also got countered by another clone.

75 Div Bonus

Thinker Game (3353) 84/84
​

Lin - 134/134

Great job actually acting as a leader and taking action! Despite the impossible situation (literally impossible, as we see), you had Ilsa give it her all instead of just cowering and going "what do I dooo?"

As a side note, if it's unclear, this was not an illusion, but a form of insanity... thus why your kai didn't immediately see through it (although its hyper-senses contributed to overcoming it).

100 VC Bonus for leadership

PM: Tyranny of One (1341) 134/134
​

Fin - 101/101

Also great job in realistically (and humorously) playing to Picca's mindset and fears. I like that you not only kept her fear real, but also had her gradually forcing herself past her fears to contribute.

75 Div Bonus

PM: Blood and Thunder (1011) 101/101
​

Berri - 80/90

I wanted to see more action from you, before a certain somebody locked you in Bakudou #99 and made that impossible. Mitsu is growing a lot and its about time he started to realize it!

PM: A Tribute (904) 80/90
​

Nell - 247/270

I'm not sure what to think of Nashira. You started her off kinda tomboyish/tsundere, but then turned her into something closer to Yachiru. The cheery and childish persona came as such a contrast to her initial snarky attitude that it seemed very much forced and acted out. Is that a character trait or did you just not have a good picture of the character in mind?

The chapter... Hmm. It didn't have the flow of a natural conversation, but that's not easy to capture.

In the Tribute thread, it really felt like you were somewhere else... IG and OOG. I would have liked to see more involvement and investment in the collab. As one of the weakest members, there should have been a lot more concern and a lot more worry about how to escape/survive. Yuurei seemed pretty calm given the circumstances.

Hanging on a Beard (3800) 88/95
For What Cause (1110) 54/56
PM: A Tribute (1185) 105/119
​

Van - 242/244

You and Ishin do a nice good cop/bad cop with the C46. Not a lot to say here except that I like how you portray their haughtiness along with their petty noble ambitions.

In Tyranny, there wasn't much for you to do, unfortunately, but considering how defensive the actions you drew from were, you did a good job.

PM: Tyranny of One (1224) 120/122
PM: Dancing on Barbed Wire (1218) 122/122
​

 

[Wayne]

Guess who has a finals exam tomorrow.
<<< This guy.

I ain't even mad.


Albino - Click, Click Boom & Pieces of a Master pt. 2

Holy freaking god, man. 7k? :|

Anyway, I find your NPC chapter pretty interesting. Kind of a fresh direction from Zak. As for PoaM2, I know you were trying to convey transitions between the entries via those ///// thingies, but try and make the shift a tad bit smoother rather than just simply putting dividers in between them. Not saying it's bad though, but just a suggestion. All that aside, great job.

Grade: 397/397​

Bronie - The Gambit

Chap was short and sweet. Whatever Tsubaki's planning, it got me curious as all hell. Minor error at the end though with, "...their resources thin babysitting..." I think you meant 'than,' but either way, good read.

Grade: 33/33​

Shun - Blood and Thunder

Shame we didn't get to bust out the Fated Tech for any of the fights. Anywho, Ryoujin handled the situation pretty responsibly in spite of not having a BK against an Espada's release. A bit of cheesy lines here and there, but that's what make your character great, so I can't rip on you there.

Grade: 174/87​

Hiren - The Thinker Game & Comic Relief

Cool training with Hare there, plus Lucia overall seems like a pretty amusing character to read. The little speech about creativity at the end was awesome too, so kudos to you on that. For Comic Relief, you played the jester Espada both menacingly and creatively. Sure gave me and Pho a run for our money. The whole illusion deal at the end was a great twist too. I sure as hell didn't see that coming.

Grade: 84/84 and 100/50 = 184 TOTAL​

Tits - Say Hello to Mister Murder & What's Next? (Regroup)

As I've already mentioned in chat, I wasn't exactly sure what was going down in your chap as I this is the first time I've read your personal stories. Nonetheless, the chapter flowed smoothly and the interaction between your characters was pretty fascinating. As for your PM work, I didn't see any noticeable mistakes on your part so good for you.

Grade: 61/61 and 222/111 = 283 TOTAL​

All y'all get 30 Div Bonus each.

EDIT: Dips - 56/28 for A Tribute


As for teh limey bastard who's grading me: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?34881-PM-Espada-8th-10th-11th-Week-Comic-Relief

 

[bankzu]

Sherry bro

Mira-culous [55/55]

Lovely writing Sherry bro. The chapter was really appealing to me. You got a good flow and your wording is great. Could that box perhaps contain the knife we are looking for? I wonder...

Mira-cle [68/68]

Another great piece of writing. The story developed perfectly as it went along. Nothing to complain about bro. Keep up the good work!

[22:04] stephentetsu: Sherry gets 150 db for being new


Dil bro

A Sample of the Future [79/80]

It was a good read. The flow went as it should’ve and I could find no direct errors except for a miss or two. You tend to make your sentences very long, putting a lot of commas in there. While not wrong, it can be a little bit tiring when reading a sentence containing up to five commas. Try ending it halfway and starting a new sentence instead. Nevertheless, good work Dil bro!

[PM] What's Next (Regroup) [141/141]

Nothing wrong here Dil bro. You went along with the collab just like any other weakling would and you did it with excellence. Scared to death is the way to go for an assassin (or at least I think it is)!


Sev bro

There Was Supposed to Be an Earth-Shattering Kaboom! [0/0]

Zero for you! Post a freaking word count man... Making me do it on my own...

[23/23]

Anyway, there was nothing actually wrong with the collab. You did what you were supposed to do and you did it well. Yay for Sev bro!

[PM] The Runaround [339/339]

Yay for posting word counts!

You played your part like you should’ve. The flow was great; flawlessly done bro! I especially liked the part where you wrote in Russian. Go leader go!

[PM] Blood and Thunder [144/144]

Another great piece of writing. I really liked the way you played the sexta espada, but bro, fail link is fail!

 

[Code of the Noble]

Kago

Show Me Your Best (66/66):

You are now the Co-VC of the 8th during PM’s as this was meant to be pre-PM material. Do not disappoint. PS You take 100 VC Bonar for helping me grade and 50 of the division bonar

Pho


Comic Relief:

Kago’s got this look out for his comments. In addition, you may take 50 of the D bonar.

Katie

Welcome back girlie!!!

Unanswered questions (104/104):

As usual great writing, I will have to find this post regarding PM’s so I know what we are doing and so I can get back into the gist of things as I hate to write pchaps unless they lead to some sort of plot. You too may have 50 division bonar.

Engrish corrab wif Pho, kago will grade you both on that one as well as my guest grader which I believe is wayne.

For my grader I only have the collab I had with Kago “Show Me Your Best”

PS PLEASE LINK ME YOUR WRITING BY WEEKS END UNTIL PM's ARE DONE

 

[Kago]

PHO

Comic Relief

Grade: 113 / 117
Comments: One glaring issue that kept coming up in this collab was the words "spacemage" and "spaceblade". Grammatically, they should be two separate words with hyphens ("space-mage" and "space-blade"). Sene also saw this and wanted me to emphasize it to you.

Outside of that, a few minor typos. I do like the imagery with which you describe both Udo and his surroundings. It sufficiently paints a picture without being overly wordy.

That Old English Spirit

Grade: 55 / 60
Comments: First of all, the colors have made me colorblind now. All I can see is black and white (I know; that's not really colorblind, but you get the idea).

Secondly, this collab felt severely disjointed to me. So much of the material was internalized between the two that it never really felt like the pair was having a conversation. I know its difficult to write fluidly with the collab style we employ, but maybe it would be better to have some shorter turns mixed in there.

(Rearranged some of your collab below. And yes, I'm keeping the eye-rape colors)

The reaper took a sip of his drink and coughed as soon as the glass left his lips. With a look of surprise, he said, "Shit, I didn't expect that!"

Adelaide snickered, which was far politer than some who outright laughed. The younger but heartier of the two clearly had not been exposed to real alcohol. “What did I tell you? Has a real kick to it, doesn’t it?”

The bartender took note of Udo's shock with amusement, along with several other patrons. Not wanting to look like a lightweight, he took another swig, this time holding back the urge to clear his throat. Thankfully, this drink had a throat-numbing effect, which worked to Udo's advantage.

She was proud of herself, and of her choice of venue. And the first time drinking this stuff? It was like a rite of passage. Addie figured no one anticipated quite what they were getting into with it, but no one else was all that willing to warn them. Maybe people were so amused because they remembered how they were that innocent once? Addie wondered if that’s where she drew it from.


Using short turns can improve the natural flow of the collab as well. I'm not saying long turns don't have their merit, but try to find a nice combination and apply them as necessary.

The last thing I want to comment on is the end of the collab. It seems like you two weren't sure exactly what the end goal was and just said: "here's a good point". Sometimes writing with somewhat of an endpoint in mind can help drive the collab and wrap it up nicely (including the big, red bow on top).



KATIE

That Old English Spirit

Grade: 55 / 60
Comments: See the comments I posted for Pho for this collab. They apply to you both.


WAYNE

Comic Relief

Grade: 142 / 143
Comments: I think you did a nice job of playing your part. It was good to see how you noted that reflection didn't change with the Espada (your ability). I can only wonder what will happen now that you've stabbed Ryoujin.

 

[Shadowwind]

Sene: 66/66 For your Kago collab. It was some nice interaction, but I can't say I'm really familiar with your VC but it was a good read and there were no glaring issues I saw.

 

[Several Zombies]

Anybody who hasn't been graded this week, AH or otherwise, send me your links in a PM. Sorry for the wait -- we took a long time deciding who was grading >.>