Grading Session for Week 208

[Wayne]

Group 6- > Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 2 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 6

Group 1: 1st Division
Group 2: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th/4th Divisions
Group 5: 12th Division
Group 6: AHs

Deadline ish by 11:59:59 pm, EST, 1/24/2012.

 

[Wayne]

I call dibs on group 4, kiddies. Send me 'em links.

 

[Cad]

Helping tits with grades this week. I haz a tag and a wayne. I'll leave division bonus for TiTs to hand out.

GuttenTag

Among Snakes and Spiders:
I’ve read of (and created) a few the stereotypical, unknown, old-men of mystery. With Maisen, you’ve successfully made this one stand out as unique and engaging. The implication of sign language is really cool and his reference of Old & New ways are very intriguing. I only had time to go back and read the pchap previously (as you said I should ^^) and it’s helped to grab my interest, so I’ll definitely be reading the future chapters. Aside from one spelling error, I couldn’t find anything wrong with the chapter. I wish I had more to tell you but it was a great read with excellent flow.

62/63

Wayne

PTSD:

I’ve read a few of your chapters and now I finally get to grade one! Firstly, it’s very, very nice to read something so clearly written – not just punctuation and grammar, but your style is unencumbered by unnecessary details. Both halves of this chapter sort of exist as necessary filler – needing to explain the choker effect then having Kyuketsu explain how to Fuko/the audience how he’ll deal with it. The nice thing about the chapter, even if it is, it doesn’t feel like filler. It reads more easily than many pchaps with loads of content that I’ve read. You, sir, show the experience of your time here.

54/54
*No homo.
ps. Fuko should try and take the collar off Kyuketsu just to eff with him.

DIL

TEAL:

The word count was too damn high. Really though, how did everyone in the Third just NOT REACT to the body dropping in?! I mean, Nana and Mikael did react, just not the way I would expect. Its cool though - it just reiterates HOW MUCH mikael hates everything. Aside from my rage toward you and rob for pushing out 2 collabs before either of mine are done, I think this is a great beginning to something entrapping. Great mystery and lost of unanswered questions could cause confusion or lose a reader but this flows well and makes it intriguing. I'm excited to read the next part.

163/163

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Grade time. Okei so now that Cad and Drag are leaving us for now, its time for our remaining members to step up and be big boys (or garls). Supar muy importante 12th div thread is open. I think yall know where to find it.

Cad
Death and Rebirth
Half of the writing here was good. Half wasn’t. I’ll let you guess which was which. Anyways, that happened. Anya’s death almost seems like an afterthought here and there seems to be an awfully large gap between the hollow eating her soul and Igasho dropping off (?) her body at the Fourth Division that probably could have been exploited for a little more effect. In terms of the "using the tools correctly” portion of grades, you missed a couple of typos here and there (omitting "the”, etc.).
[79/82]
Note: I graded your portion of the writing as if it were a personal chapter.
Also, you get 25 Div Bonus.

Tod
P-Chaps
Good writing overall here but you fall back into bad habits on occasion here. Just simple little errors of punctuation, capitalization, all that jazz. You’re a good enough writer at this point that I probably don’t need to point the things out to you individually. Anyways, I liked how you mentioned the Mark of the Hunted poison. I know it was completely unintentional but you’ll soon see that the Mark of the Hunted is going to play a critical role in what I have planned for the remnants of the Twelfth Division.
[152/158]
Plus 50 Div bonus.

Drag
Collab with Unholy
A good old fashioned sparring collab. I really liked your representation of Eiji’s thoughts as he fought. A lot of people tend to forget that their characters have feelings during fights and often just focus exclusively on the psychical aspects of combat but you gracefully buck that trend. Not too many errors in here though there were instances where you either omitted or added a pronoun where not dictated.
[80/86]
25 Div Bonus for You

Mits
PChap
Mitsuhito, international man of mystery, adds yet another skill to his repertoire: baking. I normally dock points for chapters that don’t have much to do with anything but considering the fact that Mitsuhito almost witnessed the collapse of the afterlife’s social structure, I’ll give it a pass since everyone needs a break every once in a while. I thought this chapter was rather cute and well done. Your writing, I do have to say, does seem to be improving with time and experience, which is great. A couple of errors here and there but nothing too jarring or poo-tastic.
[81/86]
Plus 25 DB

Taggles take 25 DB



My link for the week:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...-208-The-Fall-of-Honoka-Mizuki-A-Conversation

PS: No one bothered grading my writing in the C46 PM thread last week.

 

[Kago]

Wow, a lot to grade this week. Hopefully it was good writing.... -_-

Also, make sure you update your stats every week!!!!




Tom

Approved Fraternising

Grade: 61 / 63
Comments: I started with you since I already know the plot of our collab and am able to focus purely on structure.

Right off the bat, I noticed Setsuna likes to say the word "Well" at the beginning of sentences. The word itself doesn't bother me; you just need to ensure that you include a comma after it, since it is an introductory word:

"Well, that’s not it.” He walked to the next door.

"Well, I guess I’m gong the right way,”

"Well, thank you very much,” Setsuna replied with a wide grin

You make this error several times with "well" and other introductory words like "instead": Instead, he pulled out the scrunched up note and reversed its sorry state.

In terms on content, I think that we could've planned this collab out better. Re-reading it, I saw a little choppiness bouncing around and a few spots felt somewhat forced. That may have been caused by Kago's and Setsuna's differing personalities, but its something to keep in mind for future collaborations.



In The First Instant

Grade: 86 / 88 + 30 Group Bonus
Comments: Well, looks like I don't have anymore excuses not to read your writing (damn grading...). Anyway, it wasn't a bad chapter. You still made the errors with the introductory words, but since you haven't read my above comment yet, I can't fault you twice.

The rest of the chapter was mostly error free. Don't know if Setsuna will get in trouble for a bar fight, but at least something my finally end up in his file, haha!



Pho

Suddenly, Trees

Grade: 51 / 52 + 30 Group Bonus
Comments: Post PM chapter is post PM chapter. Didn't really find many errors grammatically.

One suggestion is that when two people/characters are conversing, you might want to show some body language of sorts. When Udo went into his inner world, I'm not sure if his zanpakutou showed itself or was just a voice. It was unclear since all that was exchanged was dialogue and no actions. Just something to think about for future writing.



Katie

What Kind of Day Has it Been?

Grade: 55 / 56 + 30 Group Bonus
Comments: One typo. Other than that, solid as always. I hope that we can discuss Adelaide's findings in our collab. Kago will have many questions about Raifuku.



Unholy

Things That Prod You In The Dark

Grade: 81 / 86 + 30 Group Bonus
Comments: Yay for inter-division sparring!

Right off the bat, you missed the comma after Genzai:
"Yeah yeah I get you, Genzai," Rei replied as he rolled his eye once. "


And one after the introductory clauses here:
"As he saw his surroundings, he noted the spiritual pressure of another of considerable strength, but for some reason, he couldn’t get an exact bead on it."


Several more comma issues popped up, but they generally fell into the two above categories. Also, you forgot a few 'the's or pronouns.

As for the content, the sparring itself wasn't too bad. The awkwardness of trying to find a sparring partner made me cringe, but at least y'all tried something different.


Van

Ambition

Grade: 71 / 73 + 30 Group Bonus
Comments: A pleasure to read your writing as always.


One typo that I caught:
"With little concern for the may gawking eyes of servants, he moved swiftly to the main entrance and walked the cobblestone road down to the main mansion."

Just something you prolly missed in your proofreading.

"The length of one’s weight was a custom designed to show a noble how welcome their visit was to the house they called upon, without the nobles themselves having to offer a potential slight"

Wait was the version you were looking for there. Derp

It'll be interesting to here the LaSalles' response. OOG, Dippy and I are working to improve noble houses, etc. Your input would be beneficial in this matter.



Berry
Here's my link: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35467-8th-8th-Week-208-Approved-Fraternising

 

[Inks]

Yaaaaay. It's that time again!

YE OLDE FIRSTE DIVISIONE GRADESE
Hee. Gradese.
​

Nel

Nel
194 / 201


Playing with Kidou {4,674}
112 / 117

Haha, very nice for a standard issue training/sparring collab. Your had a good back-and-forth dynamic going on with Shun, and the turns didn’t get too lengthy or too short. *applause of the sophisticated gentlemanly type* I did find it funny that getting help with spell incantations quickly degenerated into LET US KIDOU FIGHT; but then, that’s shinigami for you. And friendly fights are always fun! ALWAYS!

Mitsu and Yuu seem to share a few ideas with regards to hohou/evasive tactics/retreating as a strategy, haha. <3 IN LIKE TWENTY REAL LIFE YEARS, when he opens his weenie-baby-pacifists division, I am kidnapping you. Just you wait.

A few little errors here and there: a missing ‘to’ or ‘the’ and things of that nature; the only specific thing I wanna point out issss

"Well, that’s nice...” she flashed a smile at the Templar as they went further on into the training ground.

"Okay, we’re here...” The Arcanist stopped on her tracks and faced Ryoujin. "Now, show me what you’ve got.”

The sentence structures of these two...not-paragraphs?...feel a wee bit redundant. I think. o-o Particularly with the ellipses -- and the fact that you probably should’ve capitalized the ‘she’ in that ‘she flashed a smile’ bit.

(I’m one to talk about redundancy in writing, amirite? =T)

PS - I have no idea why, but the fact that you spellout the Hadou number using romanji makes me a very happy camper. ouo <3


Temporary Restraining Order {1,680}
82/ 84

DUNDUNDUNN. It seems that Post-Hueco Mundo chapters are all the rage these days. I ought to do me one of them. >8(

Anywho, good job conveying Yuurei’s disorientation and confusion in the beginning of the chapter; randomly waking up in a hospital after SUPER HAPPY FUN MINDRAPE TIMES IN THE DESERT! would probably confuse me a bit too.

And then hijinks happen; I like how you transition swiftly from the ‘noo, I can’t cast kidou!’ revelation to the wackiness that results from Yuu trying to cast it anyway. XDD

A few awkwardly-worded sentences was the worst indiscretion I noticed in this chapter. Keep up duh good work, broski.

Also.

This nurse wasn't the kind of person Yuurei expected to be a nurse.

I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, YUUREI. That is like the worst nurse ever. Calling her patient a dimwit, screaming at the top of her lungs, scaring the mess out of patients.

GOD, it’s like Mitsuyo changed genders and decided to go to the Fourth.

=( The sad thing is that only one of these is unlikely at the moment.

Undies

Undies
270 / 278
+75 Div Bonus


When Madness Consumes {5,555}
270 / 278

Awwww. Poor ickle Haresuno-puu.

This is what he gets for trying to be the hero. >8T;;; Let that be a lesson to him!

Maybe next time he’ll suggest they all sit down and play some Uno or something instead of that...that...taking action stuff.

But all...or...MOST...joking aside, this was a really well-written followup chapter. It extrapolates upon Hare’s condition, and the severity of it, gives readers insight as to how this affecting not only him but the people close to him, and sets Hare up for dealing with this new problem.

Goodness, and I thought Mitsu’s little mental breakdown was bad. Good job, brah. <3

To be expected, there were a few itsy bitsy writing hiccups here and there; things of a missing letter or misspelled word or absentee comma nature. No real biggies. ouo

ADDENDUM. Or should I say...AddenDUMB. HAHAHA--

But no.

I like how even though he is struggling with like some serious issues right now, Hare is still determined to do the Hero thing; focusing on BUSINESS. Trying to keep the whole issue with the HM-bondage collars from getting out. Crying himself to sleep. Pretending to be totally fine the next day. GETTING IN FIGHTS WITH HIS GIRLYFRIEND.

You know.

Normal hero behavior. =T



One little reminder; don't forget that interrupters need to be separated from the rest of sentences with ~commas~.

"Anything else Hare?” ought to be, "Anything else, Hare?”

No they had lost, and so they were marks of shame. ought to be, No, they had lost, and so they were marks of shame.

"Please I ask you as a friend just leave him be for now.” ought to be, "Please, I ask you as a friend, just leave him be for now.”

and so on. Though usually you got the interrupters correct, so it might just be a minor proofreading error. <3

Fin

Fin
105 / 119


Appearance {2,383}
105 / 119

Aw, poor Picca-ca, too! D:

Everyone’s having a rough time in the aftermath of PM crazytimes, I guess. I’m glad she got out of her room and out of her melancholy. It helps to have bros that will come harass you out of gloomy moods.

Twas a nice little post-PMs chapter to establish where Picca is right now; physically and EMOTIONALLY and all that jazz. ouo b And as with Undies’ chapter, it sets things up for more plot.

In general the writing flowed well, there were a few letters and words that got lost and never found their way home =(. There was one reoccurring problem I noticed, though, which waaas:

COMMAS!

Okay now it is no big secret that I LOVE ME SOME FRICKIN’ COMMAS...or if it was before, it isn’t now -- but I do think your writing could use a few more pauses in thought. I think I’ve heard before that commas are the reader’s cue to take breath, and some of your sentences read as a bit...hurried, to me. And some of them probably even qualify as run-ons in the Super Official Grammer Nazi English-Speaking World (tm).

Lemme just take a few random examples to show you.

The blankets were used to serve another purpose though and that was to hide her stump of a left leg. Everyone knew and no one cared but she was still self conscious about it.

"The blankets were used to serve another purpose though, and that was to hide her stump of a left leg. Everyone knew and no one cared, but she was still self conscious about it.”

Her left hand was gently rubbing at the end of her leg. It was almost a mechanical action done without any thought.

"It was almost a mechanical action, done without any thought.”

He was smiling a disturbing smile as his teeth were all sharp.

Haha, I’m not too sure what happened here. It almost feels like you could use a colon or an em-dash here, a la

"He was smiling: a disturbing smile as his teeth were all sharp.”

or

"He was smiling -- a disturbing smile as his teeth were all sharp.”

"No reaction at all huh?"

"No reaction at all, huh?”

Since I royally suck at explaining, if you ever haz time then maybe you could check out http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/ . It explains commas way better than I ever could. o-o b

Now go write moar. GO GO GO.

Lin

Lin
75 / 76
+75 Div Bonus


Waking Nightmare {1,510}
75 / 76

Behold! Verily, ‘tis another post-PMs chapter mine eye has espied in the great yonder! Egads! Let us investigate this most important of developments.

Just kidding, I’d have to punch myself in the face if I did the entire commentary like that.

I really dug this chapter, TBH; there’s a clear sense of Ilsa’s feelings, her thoughts on everything that happened, her guilt about what she should’ve/could’ve/would’ve done, and her obvious denial that something is wrong between her zanpakutou and herself.

I liked the oh-so-subtle sense of humor worked in when the healer described the...ah...effects the collars have had on other shinigami so far, especially since it didn’t detract from the overall mood of the chapter. <3 Many much congratulations.

And the ending just cemented the fact that I need to get you a reply to our, collab haha.

OH.

ONE. THING. THOUGH.

Matsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreat

Inksies1:43 pm
Matsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreatMatsumara-taichou had wanted them to retreat

WHAT

I....I still love you though.

Kago

Kago
63 / 63


Approved Fraternising {2,514}
63 / 63

You know, as much as this was sort of a generic introduction/getting-to-know-you collab, I really enjoyed reading it. <3

There’s something incredibly refreshing about reading a collab between two people who can work out a fast back-and-forth sort of dynamic to their turns. Even though you both kept your turns short, the collab flowed well, and everything stayed...on-topic, I suppose?

Haha, seeing Kago’s initial reaction to Setsuna, he would’ve REALLY disliked Mitsu back when he first became a shinigami. Lazy and bad-mouthed. And rude.

Although it did confuse me that Kago was so very mollified by Setsuna’s little outburst/storytime; he pushed him pretty hard to give up some personal story, haha. I guess he just wasn’t actually expecting to GET one. @-@

Anywho, a good collab; especially with Kago’s ‘srs bsns’ and Setsuna’s ‘LOLOL’ personalities. There was a definite sense of AWKWAAARD between them throughout their interactions.

PS-

Just so you know.

I ship it. >8(

I think that’s everyone; if I missed someone, or missed one of you guys’s chapters, just punch me in the face or send me an IM/PM or something.


Ink out
<3


PS-
(Inku Rinku: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35482 )

 

[Code of the Noble]

Promotions Notes

Hey guys,

Just dropping by to give some overdue promotions and to welcome Doc and tom to the Eighth. Also WB Doc! I will be popping in chat sometime tonight after I get off work (after 5pm PST):

Katie aka Adelaide Pierce is now the 4th Seat. Also keep in mind you work right next to the captain, VC and seats 3 & 5 (which are not filled yet).
Pho aka Udo Tabawara is now the 6th Seat
Threader aka Sanzu Shizuka is now the 8th Seat

Rei, Doc and tom will be promoted after their division introduction collabs with me have been finished (if applicable). Tom please PM me a link to your character profile.

 

[Eidolon]

Group 2 go:

3rd
Rob - T.E.A.L. 163/163; My thoughts echo Cad's a fair bit. As I got into reading this, I became more and more a fan. There are many anomalies in behavior patterns here, but it fits the plot of your writing. I even took the time to formulate WTF was happening in this work, and that's because of the skill of the two authors. Props.

Circle Complete - 25/25; I am quite sad that we had to lose Kad to get you in the Div, but quite happy you are here. This writing is a fine example of why. The subtle elements combined with artistic prose worked to great effect.

+60 Div Bonus

K-chap - 254/254; A tremendous example of life in the third. The new and weak are beaten into shape, so that when we share them with the world they are ready to hold our virtues true. Manzo is an interesting character, who remains true to his nature and suffers for it, and thus, reminds me a bit of Kyuu. A few similarities between this and some early work I did, though, I think you pulled it off a bit better.

+60 Div Bonus

12th
Tits - The Fall 108/108; Another excellent piece of writing from you. Its a pleasure to be your grader for a time. The Order of Athena is an interesting nemisis for the 12th, and I think you've already proven you'll be a fine captain for the 12th when the story you are weaving brings you there.

To Live Proudly - 280/280; Tsuneo made excellent and interesting choices in this collab. You wrote well, and, assuming the c46 regain themselves as a ruling body, I suspect they will favor Tsuneo for his sacrifice. Sorry I missed this, I respond well to links and PM prodding if it happens again!

If I didn't grade you and should have, PM me the links please. All in all, nice work this time around everyone!

+30 Div Bonus

 

[Wayne]

Man oh man. Good thing I started reading early. New semester just dun and goof'd me.


Al - Menopausal(?) & The Touch of the Greatest

Good to see Zak in tip top shape. You did well portraying his reaction to the VL curse, and I found the little threat he had for Prometheus at the end to be rather amusing. Gives the character a little bit more motivation from how I see it. Great job.

190/190​

Beaks - Epitaph

So... is Tsubaki gonna start a civil war with C46 or something? Definitely sounds like it to me. As always, you did excellent at portraying her demeanor after such a crazy incident. Getting rid of Sanzo was a bit unexpected, but a cool twist nonetheless. Can't wait to see what Tsubaki has planned.

86/86​

Saso - Slacking Off

Welcome back brochacho. A new 11ther is always welcome. Anyway, on to your shtuff. The daydream thing with the Hollow invasion was a cool starter. I almost thought you were seriously fighting a Menos at 100 rei lol. All in all, your chapters were great and fun. An occasional grammatical error here and there, but nothing too bad.

193/194 + whatever newb bonus you get + 150 div bonus to help you catch up a bit​

Shun - Do a Barrel Roll & Playing With Kidou

Mild comic relief instead of getting angsty and mad? That's a welcome surprise. You did awesome at showcasing Ryou's reaction to his cartwheel curse--he doesn't really seem like the type to get raged up like everybody else. Nice NPC usage there too. On your collab with Nella, it's nice seeing him interact with more people, especially when he's the one asking a lower ranked soldier to help him out.

177/178​

Hiren - Helen

It's kinda unorthodox to be using first person, but I suppose it works on this particular chapter. Helen's emotions showed extremely well, and her uncertainty added some depth to her character. Good work.

55/55​

 

[Several Zombies]

Who said Moon was grading son?

ADVENT HUMANS, HEAR ME!

...Anyways. Not too much writing this week. Just Moon and Raph :<

Moonie

Hacking In

This was...Interesting.

Crazy little girl out to kill Zakki. Why has this never come up before?! Zakki has enemies?! Madness I say. Pure madness.
Overall this was a pretty good chapter and your little followup blurb gave me a lot of insight into Zakki that I wouldn't otherwise have gotten (I never used to grade you, remember D8) so that was helpful. In terms of quality the writing was up to your usual standard -- no blaring mistakes or anything, unless you count goddamn Emily talking in third person and being generally creepy. On that note, you get zero.

...Just kidding. Take 53/53 and 75 Division Bonus just because.


Raph

Dude if you kill Mouko I'm going to be so mad.

Anyways, this was well written and pretty engrossing, though I feel like I've missed a chunk of the story from the last chapter I read with her -- probably the week Dil graded, I guess. You'll have to fill me in because now I'm curious to know what led up to this point and more importantly, what the hell is gonna happen to Mouko. If you kill her off, I will find you ]:<

Take 63/63 and 75 Division Bonus for your hard work.



Berri

Afainasiy

Holy crap.

That is some poignant stuff. It's really cool that you're delving into March's past -- for someone who's lived so long there's certain to be interesting tales like this one. LaChance was a pretty good foil to March in this particular piece, and the banter between the two was chilling, to say the least. It's a shame you skipped forward, really -- I would have liked to see that play out a little longer. Still, on the other end of the lapse, it gets really dark. Thirty years locked up and the first thing March does upon escaping is kill every motherfucker in the vicinity. Classy. The new arrival -- this black-clad man -- seems to have gotten the edge on March, though. I can't wait to see how this plays out.

In terms of composition and structure, I have to say I'm impressed. I haven't read a ton of your writing but the way this was put together drew me right in. There were a few awkward sentences in the first two chapters, but nothing particularly terrible. If there were any other mistakes I was distracted by the sheer quality of the story. Many kudos.

I'd give you division points if I could, but since they've already been given out, you'll have to just settle for full marks. I'll definitely be keeping track of your stuff in future.

237/237