Ok, things picked up a bit in this chapter but still there was this sense of
dragging the reader along. I really think you need to work on
telling less and
doing more, that alone will get you miles ahead in your writing.
However, the dragging feeling abated slightly during the fight sequence (lol @ "How are you sleep-walking?!" and "WHY are you so weird"...priceless questions) once that was over, however, you fell back into your way of
telling the reader along the storyline rather than guiding them through it with character actions, choices and interaction. Seldom in a novel will you encounter long passages of pure prose. I think you'd benefit from removing some of the narrative that surrounded every instance of speech, doing that would help things progress enormously.
Prologue IV: The comments made above apply here as well. Beyond that there were no significant problems and the reading was pleasant. However...
He could spy small violet flowers smiling up at him, and the distant shadows of lust forestry. The atmosphere here was pink, light and filled with swirling oranges and soft pastel colors with the fragrance of roses and candy canes in the air.
Try not to let your description run away with you into the realm of horribly sappy. Just sayin'. Picked up a bit at the end with the psychedelic voice deal but still it dragged on because you stuffed words and description where there was no need for them.
Prologue V: This was better! ish. While you had more interaction and action it got lost amid your flowery prose yet again. Your work is enjoyable, but to bring it to the next level, you would have to cut out huge swaths of your writing to focus only on your character and letting their state of mine
show through their actions and interactions rather than telling the reader about it.
Prologue VI: Marked improvement here. The first part was engaging with only a few sections of it dragging. The second part too was an improvement but you didn't need to spend several hundred words telling the reader about the Rukongai.
Show them the Rukongai....you see a theme in my critique?
Prologue VII: THIS WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYTHING SO FAR! Your interactions were crisp and clean for the most part, you drove the story through contemplation and relatively painless descriptive passages. Nice Job here.
Prologue VIII: As per above. I don't know if it is because you were getting tired when writing this, but for the most part your super flowery and overstuffed prose has for the most part dropped away. It's still there and I think it's really just kind of your style at this point, more than the overt fluffing that it was before. You made me want to read on after, so very nice job with this.
Prologue IX, X and Bonus I and II: (I'm lumping these together because my comments are getting increasingly repettive. If you want a compelte breakdown of each chapter let me know and I'll get you one). Better but throughout these chapters there were more instances of that awkward word choice and some of it got
really dull as the narrative just dragged on and on with the action between characters being muffled by yet more prose.
. I saw no errors in writing and it all read well.