Grading Session for Week 223

[Rob]

Gradings 'nd Stuff, also, new May rotation

Group 5 - > Group 2 -> Group 6 -> Group 4 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5

Group 1: 1st / 5th / 7th Divisions / Quincies
Group 2: 10th Division
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: 3rd / 12th Divisions
Group 6: AHs / Vizards
​

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 5/8/2012.
​

 

[Rob]

GROUP FIVE GRADING NONSENSE:
In the spirit of taking good ideas from others, Group Five,
to ensure grading order please drop your writing links off at:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsH5ge9hxuBBdGd2aExjbVpOR05aUW5XNHk0bXEzUUE

If you don't write them down there, I'll assume you guys are dumb, but if it's really the case,
Send me your links you sillies!

Third Division Announcements
I am currently working on creating a Division Layout,
as well as doing some rewriting, revamping of the Third.
Holler if you have any ideas, ya’ll know the doc.

Twelfth Division Announcements
Holler if you need anything to do, want anything done,
or just want to post something you feel needs to be brought forth.​

Insert spiffy comment of the week here.

Ketch – 254 – 75 Div Bonus (For, you know, writing?) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – 50 Division Kan (For bankai interlude!)

First off, fourth paragraph, last sentence: Even still, Manzō’s focused remained.
I think you meant: Manzou’s focus remained, or, Manzou remained focused. Either way, Manzou’s focused remained is incorrect.

Furthermore, I think you had another word-order confusion with this sentence: Not only was the Kenpachi not present at either junction, but there were no signs that he had even raised at a brow at the news.

Should be: even raised a brow at the news.

Last, but not least: From out of the corner of his eye, Manzō spotted what looked like elongated appendage-like shadow breaking the straight line silhouette that the corridor casted on the ground beside him.

You forgot an ‘an’ between like and elongated.

Now, onto the actual ‘game play’, this was a nice chapter put into decent retrospect. There are a few things that bug me, though, I realize that Ayame would want to know what the hell is going on as well, but there is nothing indicating any reason for her to be like, “Lol, Manzou go to sleep.” It just came falling out of the sky, and I really hope you’ll be elaborating on this in your coming chapter.

Furthermore, Nana was also there, close, exerting the entirety of her spiritual pressure (40k reiatsu) on any who were even near her. Given her reiatsu pales in comparison to the triad of reiatsu that exploded, but this was slightly after that, after it had died down, and slightly before Ayame decided to be a confusing little girl.

So, yeah, it left me with a few moments where I wasn’t really sure how it’d fit in the overall community story, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was an overall nice read. So, kudos.

Bankai interlude was a nice change of pace of your other works, even if it was more malicious. You really have a knack for being a complete and utter ass to your characters, eh? I like it. You did have a few typos and randomly swapped words here and there, but it didn’t detract from the reading experience.

I just hope you do not take this shady past too far and introduce a character breaker, for I would hate to see Manzou succumb to his ‘past’ self. Manzou is nice the way he is now, man!

Ne-no-Kuni, what can I say other than it was a pleasure writing with you as always. I must say that intertwining plots, weaving them into one is a very nice plot device and I’m intrigued into seeing how Manzou and Amaterasu’s relationship will evolve from here on out – though I did find your reaction to the creepy, dual thingy a bit lackluster, but on the other hand... you can hardly be surprised with Nana around, can’t you?

How Immortals are Born – 59
The End of Bliss – 79
Ne-no-Kuni – 116

Twelfth Division – XXX – XX Div Bonus (whoop whoop) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – XX Division Kan (whoop whoop)
Y U NO RITE?

Van – 73 – 75 Div Bonus (For, you know, writing?) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – 50 Division Kan (Awesome chapter was awesome)

So, Van, how the wheels of fate have turned, wouldn't you say? First you got to grade me, now I get to grade you.
I was both pleasantly surprised, and somewhat disappointed with your chapter. I loved it, let that be known beforehand.
I loved your portrayal of Creed and his inner-working, how he felt that it was him who had been the bully, and not the squad leader. How he snapped and almost mutilated the man beyond recognition. It was brilliantly portrayed, but I have to say this, Van.

Typos. Word swaps. Spelling mistakes.

Now, you just told me in chat why this was, but I still feel that you should be able to spot errors such as "ninteen" instead of "nineteen", and to know that if a new character is speaking that you hit that enter key like there's no tomorrow.

However, it didn't detract from the experience too much, so I'm going to be a lenient Rob.

Deep Ocean, Gentle Wave - 73

Links for my grader:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36124-3rd-5th-Week-223-Nock-the-Arrows
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36126-3rd-3rd-Week-223-Ne-no-Kuni
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36115-Week-223-Broken-Convictions-Erratic-Revelations
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36102-Week-223-A-Traitor-Amidst-our-Senses

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Raph

Heiryoku (139/139)

What can I say that will do this justice? I think this is possibly the best training collab/battle of wills/epic struggle I've read on HD for a while. There is such depth of emotion and anger between Ciro and Arano and such mastery of their abilities (and the mastery of both of you for writing combat and conflict) that I was riveted to the screen. Superb!

Acquisition (75/75)

I feel weird giving out perfect grades but I can't help it. This was another well-written collab. I think that you managed to really convey just how deflated and battered Arano feels by everything and his interactions with Ilsa were well thought out and executed.

And take 75 div. bonus

Hiren

You get what Raph got for Heiryoku and also 75 div. bonus.

Val

Drink Away Your Troubles (60/60)

Maybe I just feel generous this week but I am quite enjoying the way you're exploring Shuku's relationship to his vizardness and the way it is causing him alienation and pain. I am also a fan of Gekijin and the way he's just had enough of Shuku's complaining. Good job!

Wayne

Comeuppance (77/77)

Oh yes. Kyuketsu has finally had about all he's going to take of Tsubaki's shit. I do like his explosive reactions and the way you flowed your turns into the collab. Maybe this is the infamous Mewn "too-nice" coming through but I think it deserves the good grade.

Well if I missed anyone poke and prod me until I grade you.



For my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36114-Week-223-A-Fool-s-Errand

 

[Apeiron]

I'm grading this week.

Okay, so shitton of things to read this week, but I have faith it is all good. Xan, Atticus, our klab should finish up this following week if everything goes well. Now onwards to grades.

~ First Division ~​

So I’m tracking Will, Nell, and Lin. If I missed you slap me in the face with a PM.

Will
Trans 308/308

Much like all of your writing, this was a solid piece with no errors that I could spot in my groggy state. You came in and finished a chapter you wrote almost two years ago. You explained where Sayis got his S-rank item from, and showed just how much mastery of the magical arts he wields. This was a splendid read not only for the depth Sayis reached as a character, but because you chose to expand on the Kidoushuu realistically and did it more than simply well.

Lin
Acquisition 75/75

Not much really to say about your collab with Raph. It’s a good set up for what I think you guys have planned. I look forward to reading it further and seeing how Ilsa deals with her curse in the process. Raph did a good job of writing the tigers and incorporating that other collab with Hiren. I picked up on it when I was grading Hiren that week, so I’ve been waiting for this collab. Good luck and fun writing the both of you. I am curious though, was Ilsa’s friend a part of Cerberus or Orpheus?

Nell
Home 187/189

Bounty was fine. Too wacky for my taste and Isa’s effect noise was a bit annoying. There were errors in your turns where you had written one sentence and changed it, but missed a couple of words. But aside from that you did alright. I think following this week you’ll be in the 10th, right? Enjoy the 10th, it looks like a party over there. 240kan to u.

* Fifth Division *​

I HAVE MINIONS TO GRADE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU ARE ALL DOOOMED

But seriously. Grades.

Icarus
Drought 60/61
N&D 78/79

‘Kay, so, kicking things off is your formatting. Stylistic purposes, I’ll accept, but when a whole chapter is centered it’s not exactly cool. From now on be sure to have your chapters aligned to the left. I don’t mind stuff like heading or title information to be justified anywhere you please, but just the content needs to be left. Unless you’re doing something like:

His breathing was heavy.

Thumpthump, thumpthump.​

His vision slowly started to darken.

Thumpthump, thumpthump.​

The beast charged in on him. His heart was thundering in his ears, and he didn’t know what to do.

Fight.​

But could he?

Yes!​

When you use it like that, it gives a sort of suspense. Many of the other writers here do that and that’s fine. The next bit are your numbers. I know a lot of us are taught to write numbers larger than 10 out using digits, but I consider that more for school papers instead of novel writing. Similarly, divisions should be written out. Fifth Division instead of 5th division.

Next, certain thoughts need to be expressed in italics.

He looks horrible, thought Johnny.

vs

Johnny thought it was a bad idea.

Also, my money was on Sosei at “dark soul among you”.

Its good set up, and not badly written. I look forward to the next piece.

N&D was a pleasant read. I didn’t spot a whole lot of errors with your turns, but I did notice that the two of you had a tendency to go back and tell what your characters did in the other person’s turn. Be sure to talk with your partner at times like closed collabs for finer details, otherwise roll with the punches. I was pleased with your description of kidou as well as the change of NML. It was sudden, but that’s the nature of NML, and a quick description like that is justice to the place.

That being said, I’m rather disappointed that the length of the division’s grounds did feel adequately portrayed. Each division is the size of a good sized college campus. But that’s pretty relative. I think Yale, you might think community college. It should take you more than 10 min to walk out of the dome and to the boundary. Which brings up another point. Neither of you ran into any traps. None. Zilch. In a division that is quite literally spilling traps out its side.

(Sorry other divisions. We did warn y’all not to get too close. Random Byakurai is to be expected more than sunny weather.)

But a good collab is a good collab, and I enjoyed the interaction between your characters. It was nice to see something other than a typical sword fight, and I hope to see more challenges like it in the future.

Xan
Nasty 65/65
N&D 77/79

For the most part you chapter was well done. There were frequent errors however, and one of the most glaring of which being:

“We’ll if it gives me the chance to beat the crap out of you for what you did to me, then I’ll gladly take that chance. Where and when do you want to meet up?”

I think you meant “Well” because “We will” didn’t fit.

I also noticed a couple places where you used commas instead of periods. I think I know why you did this, and it may just take me awhile to get used to your writing to know for sure. Double check your comma usage just encase though.

I wonder if Sunai will be planning some work around the 8th. Hmm....

Your turns in N&D had a couple errors in them. As I stated with Atticus when you guys are writing turns you don’t need to go back and explain what your characters did. If you can, finagle the turn into the other persons, or just roll with what they wrote. It might not always be what you want, but what you want is not always the best to write with.

Again as I mentioned with Atticus, I was disappointed with this on two factors. One was length of grounds expressed, and the second was that neither of you hit a single trap. NML is not to be a casual stroll through the park, nor will taking the “its obviously a trap” route get you free of traps. Chances are if it looks like a trap here, it is, but the next path is just as likely to be one. Aside from those though this was a nice friendly collab and a good read. Your descriptions of NML added on to what Atticus gave the readers and made it more vivid and Sunai is a rather funny guy to read.

= Guest Grader =​

Sir Rawberting IV
Nock 125/125
Ne-no 117/117
Chaps 63/63

So, kicking this part of the shindig off is our klab. In all honesty, I really enjoyed how quickly we got this done, and how well we’re able to set up the plot. My only concern is that same speed, really. If we go too fast we may not do as well as we think we are. Finally, I think we could have done Tsukyomi’s entrance and eventual death better, but hey, there are going to be enough battles on the road ahead so we’ll do better with each one.

Ne-no-Kuni time, and - OHDEARGODSMALLFONT

Meh, eyess Rawb. Meh eyes. But yeah, this was a good fight klab and I liked the shinto lore tie-ins. The ... tension between Nana and Manzo is unique. Was curious as to why all of ketch’s “Heralds” had a “`” in front of them. You guys left it open like there’s another collab to come. It’ll be interesting to see. Or maybe there won’t be and Manzo was just speechless. Either way this was a pretty good collab and I enjoyed it. I’m looking forward to our collab even more.

-200 for shitty chapters with horrible plot bad spelling and breaking multiple places of continuity. Yeah. -200 out of a possible 63. How you like them apples. But no. The first chapter I read was Broken, and it’s a good set up for more things to happen to Nana. Especially now that a new Noe is in the picture. In this chapter, however I think you meant that the zanpakuto was vying for control. Vowing works too, I guess, but not nearly as well as vying. Your second chapter, Traitor, was a nice follow up of Executioner’s Edge. I got a pretty good idea of how much Nana hates hollows now, ahaha.




This is my only writing. http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showth...ock-the-Arrows

 

[Shadowwind]

Tod:
Fallin Down 3: 101/101 A nice tamin chapter imo nothing too fancy but a quick and fun read.

FIGHT!: 48/50 Bankai flavored training collab was a nice read if a bit rushed. This could have probably used a bit more development rather than “THIS IS BANKAI!!!”

Fallin Down 4: 102/102 MMM all that taming reaches a nice soul satisfying conclusion, I liked it.

Lean On me: 0 For having me read so many words ;o; no really 286/286 I’m normally not a fan of such huge collabs but it showed a nice point of hollow interactions if the whole premise didn’t end up workin out in actual timeline.

Legend: I’ma just C/P Arun’s grade of me as it applies here as well: Legend and Monster [85/87]


Dude, bold font. Why. Anyway, onto the collab itself. This collab was interesting and for the most part well done. It's nice to read Hisao's swag when compared to Tod's nervousness. As far as pit trainings go, this seemed to be pretty standard -scare the shit out of the other guy as he goes full hollow- fare. There were a lot of small grammar mistakes littered throughout the collab. My other main quip was actually how short the actual pit session was. The wind up seemed to drag while the rest seemed to be compressed.

Pillow: 52/55 Mostly because of the lack of satisfying conclusion though I know losing your net unexpectedly wasn’t your fault. A solid piece of writing sucks that it didn’t get the chance to end properly with you involved.

 

[Wayne]

Ba dum tss.


Al - Only Then Can You... Rise and Comeuppance

Fuark. I’m liking the title scheme here. As for the chap itself, it got a bit confusing at first with new characters popping up all of a sudden. Still, it started to flow a little better as the chapter went on. Just be weary of the conversations between multiple characters, and you'll be all set.

As for the Division Collab, I'm surprise Zak remained relatively calm throughout the whole ordeal. I would've thought he'd be more outspoken at the fact that Tsubaki left and Kyu taking over. Then again, his internal thoughts came through well despite not speaking up.

Grading aside, I'll get you that turn soon.

Grade: 124/125 + 50 Division Bonus​

Beaks - To Ground and Comeuppance

It was great that the real Tsubaki managed to see her division before leaving rather than making the clone do the farewells. It made for a good closure, and it made for an overall better theatric-ness IG. To Ground was a good follow up to her escape. It was interesting to see a little bit of panic from her as well, and it made her distress all the more believable. I look forward to reading what she plans on doing next. Will she inevitably go to the Vizards? To the humanz?

Also, same with Al. I'ma hand you that turn soon.

Grade: 106/106 + 25 Division Bonus​

Crys - Comeuppance

Nice to see a veteran get involved in the 11th's new shakeup. Tetsuo's point of view was a fascinating one as he got to see the Eleventh's evolution from Leon's age to the present, and you've played it off excellently.

Grade: 37/37 + 25 Division Bonus​

Shun - Comeuppance

It's a shame you've been busy irl to get take an active part in this one. I feel as though Ryoujin needed to have a bit more interaction with Tsubaki and the rest of the Templars given the severity of the 'transition.' Even still, school's always a bigger priority, right?

Grade: 23/23​

Isaaru - Escapists From Home

See that ^ Come-uppance, brah. Where was you? Anywho, interesting little collab here. Your style of writing is definitely unique, and undoubtedly great. The flowery-ness (only way I can describe it) got a bit too much at some parts though, so try and keep that under control just a little bit. I'm all for the first-person perspective bits at the last part as it worked aesthetically, but the *PLOP* *SPLISH* was a bit too much at some parts. Either way, it was a fun read overall.

Grade: 134/135 + 50 Division Bonus​

[Guest Grader] Kago - Unexpected Confrontation

Looks like I got you this time, Kags. I will admit, at first I needed to glance at your past chapter to get what was going on in this one. It's refreshing to see a writing branching off from strictly-shinigami business and venturing more into Quincy territory. Daniel's interaction with Pakin came off as really natural and honest. It gave a sense of depth in the two and their relationship. Good chapter and easy read.

Grade: 58/58​

EDIT: Fates - Relaxation & Denial

Grade: 72/74

Sorry I missed you broski.

Dearest Mewn,

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35857-All-11th-Mini-PM-Week-Comeuppance

Love and Forever Yours, Criss <3​

 

[Eidolon]

Group 2 Breakdown. Prepare to be evaluated. I'm doing this like a hockey grade system, because hockey.

Note: I'm using the google doc sheet. If you didn't have anything up on 'dat, you didn't get graded.

10th

Celly - 47/50; 44 base grade, +3 for a overall positive experience in special. Overall: B+, +1 I counted 994 words, make sure divides aren't padding your WC, which I don't think was intentional. 1000 exactly word productions put me in a dubious mode to begin with, but I can't fault someone for wanting to keep up their consec even on a hard writing week.

Style: A-
Coherence: B+; This was broken up by typos where had was supposed to be hard, and so on. One of them in a crucial sentence. Improved as the piece went on.
Big Links: A; Writing a piece that represents the disjointed memories of someone is difficult to pull off, and big links become troublesome then. You still did it.
Small Links: A-; Only a few spots where I couldn't flow with ease as a reader.


Readability: A -
Plot: B+; Calling something interlude is dangerous. Writing an interlude is dangerous. Benefit of the doubt is given here because I'm jumping in mid-voyage!
Author Tools: A+; You brought out a few good literary tools.
Dialogue: A Flashbacks, but, I could piece together the moment you were describing and the people talking. A woman using prescription drugs to avoid an abusive relationship is an almost standard hardship case, but still, you did it well.

Value: B
Theme: ??? can't comment on this with a jump in.
Relevance: B-; I'm not convinced this will weigh heavily or have value in shaping or showing off the character involved. Again, benefit of the doubt for a first time sample.
Characterization: A-; See above, but less skepticism.

Special: A different chapter outside the normal story, first or third person base. + for that. + for the initial description - for me not feeling compelled at the end.

+ 1;


Guest Grade: AH - Moon; 88/89; A; +1; Base grade of 85, +3 for the +1 special.
BONUS: +50 div for best chapter this week;


Style: A/A+
Coherence: A; Extremely tight until the scene switch, the end of the second part felt looser.
Big Links: A+; There and worthwhile.
Small Links: A; Some of the sentence to sentence flow was missing in the micro-inspection level, on the reader level it was solid.

Readability: A+
Plot: A Deep connections to existing characters and new characters show in sympathetic and unsympathetic light. But what really happened? What moved?
Author Tools: A+ It was a dreary spring in Tokyo. Simple, straight forward, nailed the setting in a sublime display of simplicity. Simple description without overly flowery embellishments tend to be the most potent.
Dialogue: A+; It felt human. Enough said.

Value: A
Theme: A I think I got it quickly, and was cohesive throughout the story. Nothing amazingly poigniant though. Then again if every piece was, that might be trouble.
Relevance: A+; To his personal story immensely so.
Characterization: A; A bit of stereotyping on the green eyed man in the blinds, but overall solid.

Special: + for mentioning a gun in act 1. - for never having the gun go off in this chapter, Lilly made no appearance. + for getting what I expected based on the title and intro.
+ 1;

 

[Kago]

Seems like a fairly light week, but PM me if I missed something.

Also, Week 225 will start the Kago vs 8th. What that means really is Kago vs. Tom, Pho, Unholy, and Sound (if the new guy gets approved in time) since Katie is officially 8th this week and Doc left for 3rd as well.
To our two recently departed comrades: you are more than welcome for making a case for Adelaide and Gorou to join the collab, but it'll need to be sent as an IM or PM this week. Come sunday, if I haven't heard from you, I'm starting the collab without you and any attempt by you to join will land your PC in the 4th division.




Tom

Awareness

Grade: 103/104
Comments:
Aside from a few minor typos (‘the’ instead of ‘they’, etc.), I didn’t see much wrong with this chapter. I liked how Setsuna is really like his zan spirit deep down, but tries to deny/hide it. I look forward to the conclusion of this bankai learning arc.

+50 div bonus


Katie

Guilt of a Mother
Grade: 135/137
Comments:
To be honest, it felt like a filler chapter. Not that it wasn’t good; just nothing major progressed. I haven’t felt a strong connection to this arc, especially Seriho’s sister. I guess that’s why I feel nothing progressed, even though it seems like Adelaide will be trying to convince Lilith and Sienna to forgive the neglectful mother in the future.

Also, the reason I took two points off were awkward sentences and typos.

Finally, with this being your last week in the 8^th, I award you +100 div bonus and send you on your way (with Kago giving Adelaide a swift kick in the butt).


Hare

Nock the Arrows
Grade: 124/125
Comments:
So I’m not really sure what you and rawb were setting up with this collab, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. It was slow to get started and I had trouble understanding what was going on in the beginning. Maybe next time one of you could add a note kind of giving some backstory or context for this collab? (At first I thought it was Nana and Haresuno).

Only one typo that I saw so kudos!