Grading Session for Week 224

[Rob]

Gradings 'nd Stuff, also whoop whoop.

Group 5 - > Group 2 -> Group 6 -> Group 4 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5

Group 1: 1st / 5th / 7th Divisions / Quincies
Group 2: 10th Division
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: 3rd / 12th Divisions
Group 6: AHs / Vizards


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Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 5/15/2012.​

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[Rob]

GROUP FIVE GRADING NONSENSE:
In the spirit of taking good ideas from others, Group Five,
to ensure grading order please drop your writing links off at:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsH5ge9hxuBBdGd2aExjbVpOR05aUW5XNHk0bXEzUUE

If you don't write them down there, I'll assume you guys are dumb, but if it's really the case,
Send me your links you sillies!

Third Division Announcements
Ketch, we will be doing a collab on Fated Alliance.
Nana will not be pleased.
Also, change in seating rules:
If you want to take a seat, you need to go through me first for approval and setup.

Also, A BIG WARM WELCOME TO THAT DOC!!

Twelfth Division Announcements
Holler if you need anything to do, want anything done,
or just want to post something you feel needs to be brought forth.​

Insert spiffy comment of the week here.

Ketch – 318 – XX Div Bonus (whoop whoop) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – 50 Division Kan (whoop whoop)

Okay, so for your collab with Doc, I have to say I am slightly disappointed in the amount of words you wrote in regards to keeping flow. Combative writing is not done by spouting 400 words at each other every turn. It breaks up flow and it could certainly be felt in this collab.

The writing was good, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and I enjoyed the fight (save for the last part, which I’ll come to in a bit), it’s just I had hoped you guys would put up a bit more flowing effort, and less epic aesthetical writing.

Still, it was a nice read and I’m not going to detract any point for sloppy flow.

Ketch, I have to say this though, this fight was not a fight for seats. This was not a fight that was designed for this and, though I’ll take Manzou’s word for it In-game (since I’m not for retconning things), I will be having a talk with Gorou about this sudden promotion and I am afraid I will have to take it away from him - whether he'll get a new seat or not, though...

But, I do not feel that Doc, who has been with us just barely a week should be a Third Seat already, and you’re pretty much fucking up whatever I had in thought for the both of you. So please, next time, all seatings have to go through my channel for approval first.

Your collab with me was nice as usual, and there wasn’t really anything I felt I should call you out on this time, so kudos!

Your personal chapter, though, what the heck happened to your formatting? Because I’ll be honest here, there was no formatting whatsoever and this chapter was abysmal to read because of it. But, alas, a lover’s quarrel – if you could even call it that, lol – I kind of enjoyed this chapter despite its lack of proper formatting. It was a nice read and kind of a nice change of pace from what I tend to read these days.

And yes, I took 5 points away for crappy formatting because gdi Ketch you need to check dat shit when you post it.

Fated Alliance – 148
Broken Family – 70
End of Bliss II -100

Doc – 265 – 75 Div Bonus (whoop whoop) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – 00 Division Kan (whoop whoop)

Doc, I am sorry to be a massive dickface about it, but our collab will take place after Fated Alliance, and I am afraid I will strip Gorou of his Third Seat until further notice. I already told Ketch before that I did not want him to do this, but he went on with it regardless and while I will not retcon this, I will have Nana call you out on it, telling you that Gorou will need to do better than that if he wants to become Third seat - but who knows what might happen, there are plenty of other seats out there, no?

Overall, and this includes your personal chapter and collab with me as well, your writing was good and solid. I liked your interaction with your zan’s spirit in your chapter, and I liked our little introduction collab as well.

One thing I notice, though, is that you tend to never give us any insight into how Gorou says anything since its always.

<description>

<dialogue>

<description>

It sort of works, but makes Gorou a very bland and uninteresting character. What you could do from time to time would be to add things like <dialogue,> he said in a banana voice.

You know, to give your character more personality.

Time - 80
Coup - 68
Alliance - 117


Tag – 52 – 75 Div Bonus (whoop whoop) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – 50 Division Kan (whoop whoop)

Well, Tag, you already know what I thought of this chapter of yours. It was such a lovely read and I enjoyed every moment of it. Couldn’t really find anything inherently wrong either, so take all the points!

Cannonball - 52

Van – 57 – XX Div Bonus (whoop whoop) – 00 Bounty Kan (whoop whoop) – XX Division Kan (whoop whoop)

So, first off, sorry for the somewhat late grades in comparison to all this other grading I did. Probably didn't help that I didn't know who to grade until you posted your own grading post about ten minutes before I went off to bed yesterday, so yah.

ANYWHO, onto the chapter itself, luckily I already had the pleasure of skimming it over once so it was a decently quick read. I must say I was pleased to see fewer errors, typos and whatnots and there really was only one thing that stood out to me:

"He would be traveling back towards his home, where vagrant and honest man alike had once scorned him as a worthless drifter and coward."

Now, I'm fairly sure this word should be 'men', instead of 'man'. Since you really only say 'man' as in mankind, but it's just a little pet peeve and not really something to bicker over in terms of points, so you can have them all.

Unfortunately I've already used up both my division kan as well as bonus, so you'll have to make do with what you get!

Links for my grader:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36141-3rd-3rd-Week-224-A-Soldier-s-Chosen-Coup-d-%E9tat
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36136-3rd-5th-Week-224-A-Break-in-the-Inevitable
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36149-Week-224-From-the-Ashes-of-my-Past-I-am-Reborn
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...-A-Broken-Family-Underneath-a-Broken-Fortress

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Hiren

In Memorandum (53/53) + take all the div. bonus this week.

Short but definitely not compromised. This was quite descriptive of New York and now you have me intrigued about what Ciro was doing there and who all of these people in the meeting were! Also the fact that it was set in 1959 is a bit of a shocker.

Val

FIght To Recover (98/100)

I enjoyed the good old-fashioned Hollowfight with Shukumei in the middle of it all. You did a pretty good job of descriptions during that battle and I especially like Shuku biting the one bird hollow in the neck. I just deducted a couple points because there were times where it was a bit rambling. Otherwise good work!


Hase

What A Day At the Circus! (72/77)

First of all the stuff I liked: I really enjoyed the sadistic nature of Sad Steve and the way you wrote him. There was good action/combat scene description as well. Overall I thought you did an excellent job of giving him life even though he was ultimately going to die. What I didn't like: The whole thing felt a little stilted in terms of the flow between you and Unholy. I also found the description of other things less detailed than the combat. I would've liked more drama in parts like the family falling from the trapeze. Also "sadistic clown posse" really?! xD

Toddles McToddington

New Day, New Blade (70/75)

No moar late grades when Mewnish is grading! As for the writing it was a bit more carefully proofread than usual even though I had to dock you for some fairly obvious grammar errors that you would've caught. I do like the internal dialogue with Grey Man and the way he is chiding Tod and poking at him. I am intrigued by all the crap you are putting Mr. Kenly through.






For my gracious grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36155-Week-224-Diaries-Dreams-and-Dissembling .

 

[swaswj]

Berri - 200/200

I really enjoyed reading this collab. March can, and often does, tend toward camp. In his flashback chapters, the situations surrounding him are always tragic (always) but it's always an external thing. It's collabs like this, though, where his tortured mind really shines through, from his seeming depression at the start to the twisted agony and wrath running through his mind with each repetition of that name, the instinctual and violent responses that ensued. Without other powers, March is often at the mercy of everything else in the spiritual world, but here we get to see some of what he's capable of with over three hundred years of experience.

It really helped to highlight a lot of the aspects of March's complex personality and history despite the fact that most of that remained in the background, with the emphasis on the action in the scene itself and its effects on him.

+75 Div Bonus

He Who Must Not Be Named (7989) 200/200

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Hare - 65/68

The collab with Rob seemed a bit... contrived? It was an odd situation, in which Amaterasu bares a very personal part of her past to a person she just met whose name she doesn't even know... and then Ebisu's responses to this are to push her in the mud and grab her in a choke hold. Not only are these extremely out of line for a commoner to do to the head of a noble family, but just flat out odd, without even a real internal justification for doing it.

It's made all the more odd by the fact that neither of them find anything at all wrong with this, as if that's the normal things strangers in the rain near a graveyard should do to each other.

A Break In the Inevitable (2700) 65/68

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Thrax - 98/102

Remember to add more description! I still don't know what Sunai looks like, and there's really no details on the kids except that they're about eleven and one of them was pudgy. The concept behind the chapter was solid, and a little tragic, but honestly it just comes across as silly. What should be emotional and traumatic is just kind of glossed over. For what it is, though -- a chase scene -- it works pretty well. You also caught my interest at the end there with the odd reaction to Familiar Stranger.

One thing to be aware of, though:

Facing the hilt of his sword towards the kid, the blonde shinigami slammed it to the boy’s forehead. The boy glowed and slowly disappeared.

If you don't do konsou gently the plus will be in agony and screaming all the way to Soul Society.

Fake Out (2030) 98/102

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Atti -67/67

I really like the flow in this chapter. The tone shifts smoothly between the two scenes, and each of the characters fits their own mold. Tsutome and Imagawa have an interesting dynamic, in spite of the master/servant relationship, and I like how you describe Tsutome's answer to his order as "unhindered" by the fact that she did the opposite. It leaves the question of whether she'd be similarly unhindered in the future or if she would abide by the order. The descriptions of each of the characters and the settings are subtle, conveying imagery without interrupting the narrative flow. All in all, very nicely done.

Now we just need to move past the intro and into a deeper plot.

+75 Div Bonus

Raindrops (1336) 67/67

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Cad - 44/51

Igasho has some friends, eh? Without knowing the greater details surrounding this scene, I can't comment overly much on that aspect, but it definitely has the feel of a mob boss talking down to a shopkeeper who hasn't paid his protection money. That, actually... may be what doesn't work for me.

Nobility is a touchy subject and there's a lot of intricacy that goes into the system. Everyone seems to agree that nobles are secretly (or not so secretly) evil, but something to bear in mind is that most of their actions must be legal, whether or not they are morally dubious. Why? Because nobles always have lots of enemies, both from those above them not wanting to have upstarts getting big ideas, and those below them jealous of their advancement -- not even considering those who have already been wronged in their ascent. With so many enemies, a noble family must take great pains first of all to create allies among other houses and secondly make sure that there's nothing apparent for enemies to use against them.

So, Kuro here... there's really nothing he has that is worth the degradation he's forcing on Ichirou. Certainly there may be money involved, but this goes beyond that: Kuro is blatantly threatening Ichirou's life if he doesn't serve obediently like a dog. Ichirou, who has a voice in the C46 it sounds like, could quite easily have the arrogant fool drawn up on charges or, if no evidence exists for legal ramifications in spite of the brazen nature of his dealings, provide the needed information and motivation for a higher house to utterly ruin Kuro's. This would also ingratiate him with that other house, helping alleviate whatever money problems he had at the start.

I'm all for intrigue and deception and the intricacies of noble plotting and advancement, but this chapter really feels more like a thug and a victim than anything to do with nobles.

Tea for One (1024) 44/51

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Rob - 395/409

The collab with Doc was interesting. This is actually the last one I read, and it corrected a lot of the issues I saw in the ones I read earlier. You did a great job of describing the characters and the setting, setting a coherent flow between thought and narrative. Nana comes across as a competent leader, something that the Third will definitely need in the coming weeks and months.

In the collab with Hare, there are several small errors like saying 'her daughter' when it should be 'his daughter.' They don't detract too much from the collab, however. I must admit to being confused by what's going on here. Amaterasu calmly describes and shows a very painful memory to a random person she bumps into in the rain, without even knowing his real name, and in response to being shown this very personal part of her life... Ebisu pushes her into the mud?

Yet, at no point is there any real surprise from either of them.

Now we get to the collab with Ketch. This one showed much greater depth, both in description of the surroundings and emphasis on the inner thoughts. Most of that was on Ketch's part, of course, since this was mostly focused on his character, but it flows together much more smoothly. One small mechanics error (and one I made a lot myself): when a shinigami has a jigokuchou, they don't go through the Dangai - they just step out at their destination. Good job on this one.

There's a lot going on in this chapter... perhaps too much for the 4000 words you used to tell it. I really would have liked to see much more. More description of the different spirits, more description of the areas of the inner world, more emphasis on the emotions and the determination that both spirits held, more insight into the battle. The concept behind this chapter was very profound and had enormous potential, but it is sadly lacking in the depth it could have had. That, in addition to several small errors littered throughout, like "load" instead of "loud" and "contempt" in place of "content," hurt what could have been an amazing story.

Soldier's Chosen Coup d'etat (2720) 68/68
A Break In the Inevitable (2700) 65/68
Broken Family Under Broken Fortress (2900) 72/73
From the Ashes of My Past (4000) 190/200


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My Links:

[Plot] Unknown Fear (1500)
He Who Must Not Be Named (7989)
​

 

[Wayne]

The weekend touched me in inappropriate places, so grades will be delayed until Monday night or Tuesday, rather than the usual early ones like from past weeks. Sorry about that.

That being said, send me them links broseidons.

 

[Kago]

I only saw writing from Unholy, Tom, and Will. If this is wrong or I’ve missed some writing, please PM me.

Also all you 8thies, this week starts the Kago vs 8^th Collab. In case you haven’t seen it yet, you can find it here: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...eek-225-Unstoppable-Force-VS-Immovable-Object



Unholy

What a day at the Circus!

Grade: 68/77
Comments:
Let me start off by saying that I really tried to find positive things to say about this collab. I read it twice to make sure I wasn’t being too critical about a few errors, but it was difficult.

Positive:
Rei’s determination to bring down the hollow was admirable. There were times he prolly could and should have called for backup, but he stuck with it and followed through with the kill. I applaud you for that.


Negative:

I have pointed out a few poignant errors below: (you did these multiple times in the collab)

He would only do this when he got 60% of the way there before he would walk.
You should spell out numbers and percentages.

Rei stared steely eyed at the clowns as they multiplied.
There should be a hypen (-) between ‘steely’ and ‘eyed’ (steely-eyed).


The amount of swearing that Rei did that day when the clown revealed himself would have put a death metal rock stars to shame.
Two things to comment on this:
‘... that Rei did that day when the clown revealed himself...’ seems extremely wordy and makes the reader get lost/confused as to the focus of those comments. I have rewritten the sentence after the next remark to show how I would’ve fixed it.
‘...put a death metal rock stars to shame.’ Is it all the death metal rock stars or a general grouping or just their mouths? Having both ‘a’ and ‘stars’ in the sentence confuses the numbering there.

‘Rei swore so much when the clown revealed himself that even a death metal rock star would be put to shame.’


Overall:
This hunt/collab was a bust. Both you and Hase had glaring typos and poor pacing for this fight. Roughly 3000 words for the whole setup for a hunt, fight, and death of a hollow should, in my opinion, be more developed for an A rank hollow hunt. Also, the end seemed abrupt; you just wrote the hollow’s death and Rei’s appearance at the fourth.

I believe that if you two would have proofread this a little more before posting and fleshed out more parts, it would have been a great collab. As it current stands, this collab missed the mark.

In addition, seeing how the clown hollow ate at least 6 people and did alot of damage to the area with his attacks, I think 100 kan is a fair payout.



Tom

Perceiving the Rainbow Pt. III

Grade: 84/85
Comments:
Being completely honest, this whole BK learning arc has felt a little underwhelming. In your defense, however, I guess it’s kind of hard for Setsuna to learn a kai that requires other people to be around just by fighting and subduing his zanpakutou spirit. Anyway, I hope you use this Kago vs. all fight as your “test”. n.n b

+150 Div Bonus for Completing BK training


Will

Unknown Fear

Grade: 75/75
Comments:
This was a very nice follow up to the three-way collab. At the end of Executioner’s Edge, you left it up in the air what Sayis’ fate was but you delivered in this thread. Having the C46 reverse their decision against the Soutaichou showed how they are starting to realize that they don’t have absolute power over everything in the Gotei. It also serves to setup a building conflict between Sayis and the C46, which, in my opinion, can only lead to a civil war revolution in Soul Society *giddy for a civil war PM*

Anyway, I also like how you introduced the head of the Kidoushuu. Fleshing out that organization makes me wonder what you’re setting up for? ;-)

Also, the subtle nod to Sayis being the ‘Dai Kidouchou’ was a nice touch.


He Who Must Not Be Named

Grade: 199/200
Comments:
You and Inkies always write so well together. In terms of this collab, I loved the trade off the two of you played while writing. Even though March didn’t know where to go in his turns, you guided him enough to do his own thing, but at the same time, arrive at the correct point. Best of all, the reactions you two wrote were very much realistic for the characters.

Also, it seems Fukushin/Raifuku seems to have his hand in a lot of cookie jars as of late. How many can he reach into before he gets caught by someone who can stop him? I guess only time will tell?

One thing I did want to note (and the reason for the point off) isn’t a typo but repeating words. Simple mistake to fix:
‘Despite the situation, he seemed perfectly at ease with the situation.’



Wayne

I already PMed you, but here's my only link just in case:

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36139-8th-Week-224-A-Long-Time-Coming

 

[Eidolon]

Ok, seen no action with the 10th, so once again, I'll be your huckleberry. Make sure you've updated the google doc as necessary. I'll edit up some grades into this post.

BIG NOTES: I'll hash out more DIV BONUS as needed, just waiting to make sure all is on the spread sheet!

10th

Celly - 47/51; Don't have time to really pad this out, but typos were abundant. Aside from that, it was a good continuation. Take 20 db for continuing the line.

Katie: 72/72; A; Base of 67, +6 for the special ++;
NOTES: Welcome to the division!
BONUS: +50 Div bonus for the best chapter.

Style: A+
Coherence: A+; I liked the dialogue coloring personally to set the difference between the two.
Big Links: A+; Yep. Though there were some skips as the red-shirts were introduced. To counter that the twist mid chapter on the focus.
Small Links: A Yes.

Readability: A
Plot: A+; A two for one deal: angst at transition (very human), and concern about the forthcoming mission. Bingo.
Author Tools: B+; Honey-sweet to describe Lashiel's voice, in both positions of chastising and rebuttal. Might be better words, like dulcet, alluring, and so on to describe the tone of voice more effectively. I just didn't notice other tools to help the story.
Dialogue: A+' The flow back and forth was good, including the ignoring of the prickly zanpakutou

Value: A-;
Theme: B; I really dislike the use of zanpakutou spirits like they are the bosom buddies of their wielders: they aren't. The are manifestations of the warrior's spirit, the intent to kill, the instrument of violence. I do not like reading about the chit chatting on the daily lives of their owners. They just shouldn't care unless it pertains to curb stomping someone.
Relevance: A+; Yes. Quite relevant.
Characterization: A; I won't double tap for the zanpakutou thing, but Pierce's characterization was done by a good author.

Special: + for the surprise. + for the coloring, even if red was a stark contrast.


Guest Grade: AH - Moon; 51/51; A+;Base grade of 51, + 10 div bonus for the +1 special.
BONUS: 10 div for the special + over base grade. Take another +40
Notes: I think this was a chapter for a chapter's sake, which is indeed what I managed this week. But I hope as to what my grader will find, you made something good of it.

Style: A;
Coherence: A- This document was taken from the personal files of Tombo Ishikawa. Once again, you open the piece with a simple, but weighted sentence. Who, what, and where answered with simplistic beauty. Big +. Double small - is missed spacing. Small + for breaking up the colors by prespective.
Big Links: A; Given the nature of the piece, it would be hard to A+ this, maybe even a miracle. But I'm not into punishing a creative approach.
Small Links: A+; Bingo.

Readability: A+
Plot: A+; To a new reader this might not be 100% handed over, but what I love is that it encourages people to look up names and get more in depth with your character's life. Nice job.
Author Tools: A+;Adjectives in this piece were sizzling. No long strings of words, but instead crisp nickle words and no sign of dime words. Strunk and White approved. Creative application that invoked good imagery.
Dialogue: None;

Value: A+
Theme: A+; A dangerous plunge into the psychotic mind.
Relevance: A; There's a reason he's a big dog in the nastiest corporation in the world, and we're now reading that first hand;
Characterization: A+; It painted Zakki in a horrible light, but was true to form from what I have read of him. Pity this didn't come before ??? went on a rampage, being on the reciprocal of the gang's helplessness and fear would have been something I wanted to read.

Special: + for using a different perspective to your writing in MD.

Neutral Comments: I hate seeing word count at the top. As a reader, do you think they want to know how long the piece is before they've even started reading? Drop it at the bottom is my suggestion, so it doesn't break the flow. Since this is a "Van Opinion" its here in this section and isn't weighed in for grading proper.

My link: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36159-Week-224-Joy-and-Bliss

 

[Wayne]

Never let it be said that Criss missed a deadline.


Al – ...And Fight

About time Zak whipped out his BK. The tension between him and his brother was really heated from how I could see it. I would have have preferred the fight scene to have lasted longer, but your way worked just fine on its own. Short, sweet, and simple. I’m also liking your inclusion of Miya here. I know Zak has a lot of NPC friends, and this potential ‘connection’ here with the girl crush idea floating about is a nice addition. Again, nice work there boss.

Grade: 204/204 + 35 Division Bonus​

Dippeh – Delayed Reaction II, For Great Times II, and How to Win Something Something People in the Butt

I’ve seen how you write already despite this being my first time grading you. When it comes down to it, your stuff flows nice and it reads quickly. I was lost at first trying to get acquainted with who your characters were, but it was presented simple enough that it felt natural once I got halfway through. Great transition into the second chapter too by the way.

As for the two other threads, well, they’re self-explanatory. Not a lot going on there besides Captain Healy’s reaction to the auction and your C46 character.

Grade: 143/143 + 35 Division Bonus​

Fates – Buried Memories IV

A pretty good improvement from last time, bud. I like the chemistry between David and the rest of his teammates for this one. Despite all the casual talk at the beginning, they got serious right away once needed be so that’s good. It’s all totally up to you, but if you want to start adding other NPCs for plot purposes, then by all means do so—Michi, most especially as her interaction with David enhanced his personality for me.

Minor things I’d like to point out: as of right now, the Central 46 is balls deep in other issues to worry about the everyday grunt work for most of the shinigami. A powerful Captain attacked and rebelled, after all. For regular missions, they usually come in the form of assignments from superiors and other high-ranked soldiers in the division, not directly from the Judges themselves. That, or Hell Butterflies. That aside, I like how you picked the 60th district. It’s not as dangerous as the 80th and not as easy as the lesser districts, so just the right (in a way) amount of difficulty.

That being said, there’s still some grammatical issues you need to be wary of. The inner thoughts that I talked about last time was fixed, but now it’s your punctuation and periods. Some sentences start off with lower case rather uppers, and some end in commas rather than periods. I’m going to be Optimist Andy here and just assume that they were typos. If anything, just look over your writing before you turn it in to find and fix last minute typos. I know it’s a bother reading your chapter two or three times over, and I’m guilty of it too myself, but a little perseverance for proofreading goes a long way.

Grade: 109/111 + 25 Division Bonus​

[Guest Grader] Kaggles – A Long Time Coming

Ah yes, the good ol’ zan spirit fight. Kago’s connection to Masurao is something you definitely have a good grip on. I feel like their interaction stemmed more from the usual mentor-user relationship, so kudos on that. The separate Ban Kai version of you r zan spirit emerging was unexpected though, but understandable. If anything, it’s nice seeing someone follow up with that idea from the canon. Your writing skills are good enough that you don’t have to worry about multiple personalities messing up your chapter, anyway.

Grade: 206/206 + 35 Division Bonus​