Grading Session for Week 243

[lilmangoseed]

Slight change-up this week. Since 8th and 10th are so small, it's been agreed that the two should be merged in one group. We won't change things up too much for the other grading groups, but come October, when rotation changes, some grading groups will be renamed.

DOUBLE-CHECK WHO YOU ARE GRADING THIS WEEK.
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Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 6 -> Group 2&3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5

Group 1: 1st/5th/7th Divisions/Quincies
Group 2&3: 8th/10th Division
Group 4: 4th/11th Divisions
Group 5: 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 6: AHs/Vizards​

Grades are due by Tuesday, 9/4/2012 at 11:59 PM EST​

 

[Rob]

Ketch – 385 – 50 Division Bonus

So, first your personal chapter: a lot of things are going on here, and a lot of important things as well. I like that. PMs are always a bit of a tricky moment in which a lot of people don’t know what to do with themselves, and then they do something silly.

Now, I’m not saying you’re doing just that, but the fact that Manzou’s zanpakutou said: ‘Goodbye’, kind of sets a tone for me. Just be careful with that.

Right, that out of the way, I liked the inclusion of quotes from people he’s met, not just during this PM, but also during his lifetime. What I didn’t like was that, despite the colour-tagging, it was pretty much impossible for me to figure out who was supposed to have said what.

And even then I only could figure out Nana’s words... and even of that I am not sure. So, yeah, next time, at least include a name of the person who said it or a clearer description of the person if you want to avoid names.

That aside, this was a solid piece of writing, and ties nicely into Buryoku Gaikou – which I’ll just use in the same way as this personal chapter, because there wasn’t a whole lot to say about that thread.

Doc – 41

Jesus H. Christ, Doc.

This was such a heavy, emotionally laden personal chapter that I’m willing to overlook the few errors you made, because goddamn.

Kudos, man, kudos.

Unfortunately, as you did not write more than 1000 words, I cannot give you PM bonus, nor any of my Division’s bonus. :<

Mits - 100 - 50 Division Bonus

Haha, poor Mitsu, swimming against the waves of giants! For what it's worth you did well in here, kudos.

Take 50 Division Bonus

Fan - 103 - 50 Division Bonus

You came, you saw, and well, a lot of shit went on in Buryoku Gaiko and my god am I glad that's over with. It wasn't exactly what I would call glorious, and I'll be honest... there was a lot of miscommunication and bullshit callings left and right. For instance, for infantrymen who weren't even captain-class they sure as hell acted like they were prometheus level, but on the other hand it was partially offset by me getting a bit overzealous and Tsubaki going apeshit again, and Ishin just being Ish.

And my god.

You were a nice change of pace in this collab, just a shame that you're not quite there yet in terms of reiatsu and stuff like that.

No quals really, so take all the points and 50 dbonus.


My rinku: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36607-Dunan-Week-243-Buryoku-Gaikou

Group Four, gimme links!

 

[Shun]

Let me know if I'm wrong Wayne but you wrote only 900 words this week. I'll be grading group 4 as such, no need to send links unless of course I forget you or if you're Raph (don't think you have anything for the week, but I could've overlooked something, let me know)

Wayne -
Fishing Interrupted [41/47]
I’ll be honest, I’ve written with you a long time, and this is nowhere near close to the standard that you usually write, but maybe that’s because this is an old collab I’m assuming as it takes place quite a while before the start of plot missions, idrk? I do like the fact that this chance encounter involved fishing, don’t really get to see that a lot. But the collab ended so suddenly which again idk if this collab was stalled at some point when it began, but it’s still something to keep in mind because this was basically the premise of the collab: Udo and Kyuketsu run into each other. Talk about the eight div and what happened with Prometheus, and then Udo all of a sudden leaves. The end. Not really much substance, and that’s to be expected when it’s only 1.8k words. Other than that, there’s nothing wrong with your writing here.

AH grader (raph): links?

To my grader aka Rob: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36607-Dunan-Week-243-Buryoku-Gaikou

 

[Apeiron]

All I've seen so far is Buryoku Gaikou thread. That means Will, Cad, Ish, and Rob. If you weren't in that thread, but had writing for the week that I didn't see, please send me a PM

Okay, so I’m just going to do this

Buryoku Gaikou​

Will 216/216
Igs 181/181
Ish 124/124
Rob 124/124

So, there was a lot going on in this thread. Will, for your part you did a fairly good job at managing all the chaos that was going on. Having to deal with the ludicrous amount of reiatsu in this one thread while the enemy aren’t, themselves, supposed to be powerhouses. There were some rough parts from hazy description or a misunderstanding, but it got done. More importantly was your description of the soldiers. I liked how you wrote them working in teams. Your narration for this was well done, and even the fact that they stopped to help one another when injured was a nice touch. Hopefully in the future, if something like this goes about, there can be a clearer way so that everyone knows it’s not just a “blow shit up and cut loose” scenario. At least that’s the feeling I got from all the writing. “Hey, its an enemy we don’t have to have deep philosophical conversations with or wonder what their plotting. They’re just shooting at us so we can totally just let them eat rei.” Apparently, that was not the case.

Igs, Ish, you two provided some decent support and story. Igs you had to deal with the absurd amount of reiatsu as well, but luckily for one character. Kinda hard to be helpful when Hell’s breaking loose and all you can do is cast a spell. Worrying about your arm snapping off under the pressure of people’s releases. And then martyrdom attempt. I think I’ll have Hare start running around and finding all the people who try to martyr themselves and give him a ‘bop’ stick to bop people with. Ish, you mainly just had to deal with the odd destrier and martyring soldier. Did feel kinda odd how the soldier jumped on Ish’s back and he... cut him? Then threw him? I may be a little confused on what exactly happened, but that turn stood out as well as the Event Horizon turn.

Oh jesus Nana what have you done. So much fire. And then getting speared through the gut. And then healing. And then running. And then... and then... oh dear merciful god. Breaking hohou and all that jazz. So, yeah, fire. Not a bad choice but it obviously had backfire in this thread and I don’t think anyone really saw it doing that. That being said, TT^TT please don’t have Nana sit in the middle of a dozen or so men and four destriers. I understand you were hoping to dispatch them or at least have backup to handle them, but I was all: “OHGODNONANA” Thank goodness she has regen. I might have overlooked it, but how did Nana get off the spear? Anywho you led the charge, killed some NPCs, got hurt, and ran like hell. Now... keep running!

Overall, I do have to say that I am disappointed with the collab. Is there usually a level of chaos to a PM thread? Yes, and that’s just normal, but I don’t think I’ve seen one like this ... bad. You had attacks that were not even recognized (on both sides, either because they didn’t make sense or because they shouldn’t have happened or for a few other reasons) little to no real communication between writers, and a few other things. How did the not so big-baddies manage to stay on their feet when a handful of captain class people run about- especially Tsubaki who has her rei doubled when she actively uses it-? If there was something that was stopping that, why was it not recognized by the players or characters? There was a lot in this thread that could have been re-worked to make it better. Otherwise you just have a piece that feels chaotic and isn’t a whole lot of fun to read.

I’m giving you all full points because I honestly can’t decide how to properly deduct from any of you, and not because the collab went great. It was disjointed with no flow, no appearance of communication between writers (and I don’t count the spoilers and such, because those are post-it notes. Talk to people if you don’t get something, and if you’re not clear with your writing on something explain it to the people who don’t understand) and no overall sense of tension or goal for the “heroes”. You all seemed to forget that you were there to stop Buryoku Gaikou and were happy to throw down the biggest baddies spells to annihilate the enemy. To hell if the machine got busted or accidently went of.

No division points are assigned, no kan bonus handed out.


Lil: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36622-Week-243-What-Must-Lie-Beyond-the-Glass-Viel

 

[swaswj]

How did the not so big-baddies manage to stay on their feet when a handful of captain class people run about- especially Tsubaki who has her rei doubled when she actively uses it-? If there was something that was stopping that, why was it not recognized by the players or characters?

I think there need to be serious discussions on rei-crushing.

Even so, there was an actual reason why the soldiers not only weren't overwhelmed by rei, but also not visibly affected. No one actively looked for what was happening and I don't believe in handing out all the answers. There were several unusual features that were described in the room -- it was sealed, covered in plates of silver on every surface, black tiles surrounding the machine and unusual circles in the ceiling closer to the machine. Some context clues were in there to hint at their purposes, the most blatant being the hint regarding the rings in the ceiling.

The black tiles, though, are what was suppressing the ambient reiatsu. Not just suppressing it, but using it.

 

[lilmangoseed]

Pho – 52 + 150 Div

A nice, mysterious little comeback here. I do hope you use this as some sort of diving board to jump into a new writing arc. It would be nice to see where your creative spirit leads you. Why didn’t Udo come back to begin with? Did he die? Why did he wake up now? Is he actually an intruder? Anyway, looking forward to seeing more from you. Glad to have you back!

Take the whole div bonus as a welcome back gift.

The Disappearance of Tabawara Udo – 52/52


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Kago - 50

Nice opening back into the real world, Mr. Kago. Kago's got this very earnest, protective nature about him these days. He's very... sturdy. I approve. Even in everything that he's been through, he remains collected and focused. Nice job,

A State of Transition - 50/50​

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Hare – 150

Good chapter. I have to say, I really enjoyed how you sort of used Hayato as a foil for Haresuno’s thoughts. While he was clearly involved in the conversation, he held much deeper thoughts that were totally separate from the discussion. The chapter didn’t feel jarred or unfocused, which is rather impressive given its setup. In my mind, I consider this as more of a reflection piece rather than a step forward in any sort of plot-related direction. Every once in awhile, it can be nice to have this kind of break.

Anyway, well done. It’s always a pleasure to read your work.

What Must Lie Beyond the Glass Veil – 150/150​

Raph/Hiren? I just have the BG thread. kthnx

 

[K3]

GROUP SIX GRADING
Links Here if I missed anything: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qgV-Nx1GwfhA_UAkQYcP0KyvcakCp-aER9Gk3DEHZDM/edit​

Beaks:

[93/114]Buryoku Gaikou
All my comments for this thread are gonna be with Mango's grade, so if you really want something go down there. The points speak for themselves.

[67/67]Performance Evaluation, Final:
Alright, so Tsubaki got rid of her kai...again.

Not gonna lie, lots of mood whiplash here. Mad to sombre to sad to etc etc you get the point.

When you work with highly emotional pieces of writing, stick to one tone, two at most. The overall message of a particular chapter should span a single character emotion. If you wanted this chapter to speak of the sombreness of Tsubaki's inability to assimilate with an ordinary world, go for it and lay it on thick...but don't throw in four other emotional states halfway through the chapter.

Good pacing, good grammar, take full points anyways.

Moony:

[50/51]Revelations:
Dun dun duuuuuuuuuun!

And the plot thickens...again.

But seriously, this was a good chapter. The characterization was consistent, you kept a consistent tone...there was literally only one thing: exposition. When a character is introduced solely for exposition, it's a trademark of hand-waving a plot device. It removes any sense of challenge in obtaining the information, and actually devalues the significance of the information given.

It's the difference between the Darth Vader and the Gandalf, essentially. Gandalf exists for spewing exposition and hand-waving MacGuffins at people without any real significance or weight to anything he says. Darth Vader provides almost no information, and what revelations he grants are so earth-shattering that simply hearing it from the horse's mouth becomes utterly unexpected. The point is - don't give exposition without making a character have to work for it.

Guest Grader: Mango:

[175/182]Buryoku Gaikou
*sigh* Alright, let's get it over with...

You've heard enough outside of the forums to know the overall stance on things, so I'm going to try and focus on things that didn't get discussed or mentioned. I want it to be known that this isn't aimed at you in particular, but anyone involved with the thread. I will, however, touch more on your personal actions as well.

So instead of talking about the lack of sense some of these turns made, I'm going to give a little piece on context of scenario.

When given context to a scenario, it means you're being given partial information and are placed into the scenario. When this happens it's usually an incentive to make the player(s) explore their scenario more before progressing - to ensure finality of information. What failed to happen in this collab was exploring the scenario. The enemies were part of the context of the scenario, but instead of fully exploring their limits and capabilities, you made assumptions without ensuring the info was final. Similarly, you created several moments in this collab that were not explored before they were executed, and so disrupted the actions of others.

More on how you personally did, Mango: I feel you were a fairly calm port in a storm for this. Your limitations were set and you stood to them firmly, which was brilliant. Your slight derp involving a volcano and an underwater chamber aside, I feel you presented yourself very fairly yet impressively. Your grammar was great (as always) and your ability to keep in the flow of this collab is nothing short of phenomenal. One thing I'd like to see is more of what occurred in Claret Shade - observing the circumstances and reactions of other player characters and giving Lilith's own reactions to those. It gives a very deep sense of empathy to a character, and very much brings them alive as a person.

All in all, water under the bridge - let's take what we can from this and move on to better heights. Mango, great job but always strive forward. Everyone else, I hope I helped put a new perspective behind what might have gone wrong here.