Grading Session for Week 251

[Wayne]

Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 2 -> Group 3


Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions/Quincies
Group 2 (Lil): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Nico): 4th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Hiren): AHs/Vizards​

Grades are due November 20, 2012 @ 11:59 PM EST​

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[Wayne]

first one to send me links wins an all expense-paid trip to Maui


srs.



also switch is grading mango

PSS: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36807-11th-Week-251-The-Raptor-s-Gaze (3 chapters)
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36759-Dunan-Week-250-An-End-to-All (and for the love of god, someone please grade this already)

 

[Rob]

Lemme just apologize in advance: Comments will be scarce, had a rough day at school and really, really, really can't be bothered to find every single error or whatnot.

Ketch - 234 - 25 Division Bonus

Next time, add a final word count instead of two separate ones, it drives me nuts.

But, that's kind of really the only thing driving me nuts. Great to see you finally moving your plot along.

Doc - 106 - 25 Division Bonus

Yes. See, this is why you're my favourite third-y. You post a final word count.

Writing was solid, as per usual and there's not a whole lot I find to be noteworthy.

However, there is one thing, and I'll just use the following sentence as an example:

“I don’t know,” Gorou answered honestly, “I remember meeting his mother at a bar, years ago, and not much else,” he paused and decided there was no reason to hold anything back, “I was drunk,” he realized that what he was describing was similar to something had happened before.

First off, the only time you continue dialogue with a comma is when you write 'Gorou began' or 'Gorou started' or any of those forms. Otherwise if you say 'said' 'answered' et al, it ends the sentence plain simple.
Secondly, if you add things as 'he paused and blablabla' you place it between hyphens as such "Yes that's true,"-he paused for a moment to look at Emily-"though, I suppose I was partially at fault as well, sorry."

Then the final part after "I was drunk." Please just don't use a comma there. The sentence that comes next has nothing to do with the dialogue anymore.

Also, you forgot a 'that' between something and had, but that's kind of the gist of it.

“I don’t know,” Gorou answered honestly. “I remember meeting his mother at a bar, years ago, and not much else,”-he paused and decided there was no reason to hold anything back-“I was drunk.” He realized that what he was describing was similar to something that had happened before.

Though, in all honesty, that final sentence might be seen as a tad redundant considering that's exactly what he did, haha. But that's kind of a stylistic choice anyway.

Cad - 255 - 50 Division Bonus
I hate you so much right now.

Take all the points 'cause it was a nice mix of severity and hilarity with crazy-ass gigais and less crazy-ass gigais. I'm glad Igasho is back where he belongs now, especially since you're a fantastic writer, Cad.
Like I said at the beginning, sorry that I do not have a whole lot to say about this than I probably should, but my mind is a mushy-mush right now.

Part Uno - 89
Part Dos - 56
Part Tres - 110

Cad will be grading Tits and Mits.

Something about this:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36825-4th-3rd-Week-251-Spontaneitea

and this:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...Moral-Week-251-Crimson-Memories-Flame-of-Life

Just screams wtf. (my links)

 

[Wayne]

Al – The Temple

Alright, two things to start off: the good and the bad. For starters, as with all your plot and story arcs, your current series is starting to build up to be a pretty interesting little insight on Zak and Iblis. The portrayal you had for the temple itself was stunning, as if it was something straight outta Indiana Jones. That was what I felt was the focal point of this piece, but at the same time was its biggest and most questionable discrepancy.

Soul Society itself is freakin’ massive, but from what I understand, even some of its more outer regions have been explored and documented to some extent. What with all the Seireitei’s technology, manpower, and its thousands of years of existence, it’s highly unlikely that a fortress practically as big as a city would still be undiscovered to this day, and if it was, it’d be a pretty big deal. Just put into consideration that the Court itself is a gigantic metropolis—and that’s what you’re comparing it to. I’m not saying it’s not allowed for you to get creative with it, by all means do so because you do it well. Just keep it to a reasonable and controlled extent.

Grade: 77/79​

Vin – No Longer Alone

Heh. Alright, this one was my bad. I graded your 251 stuff last week by accident. So in that regard, I’m just gonna c/p my comments from last time.

First off, just for the sake of beating a dead horse, welcome to HD and to the 11th. As for your writing, I’ve gotta say, keep doing what you’re doing. It was nicely written, it flowed rather smoothly, and there were no grammatical errors in sight. Franklin was definitely an interesting initial character to start with. Having him pass on his zanpakutou to Alexia was a surprising move on your part, and I’m definitely eager to see what you have in store for it. The shinigami patrols on the second chapter were a neat bunch too, Sheamus in particular with all his lovable Irish profanity. Haha.

All in all, you’ve got an excellent writing style and I hope to see more of this from you. Good work.

Also, this doesn’t include your fourth chapter (The Family) as it was submitted past deadline and was technically labeled for next week (252).

Grade: 143/143 + 150 Division Bonus​

Sing a Song – Spontaneitea // I Don’t Feel So Well

Nice little meet and greet there with Nana on your first collab. It was simple, straightforward, though to be honest there wasn’t really anything that made it stand out too much. Pleasantries were exchanged and we got to see more of Thaleia’s personality show in regards. She opened up pretty easily to Nana considering this is their first time meeting, but that’s what I felt what made them click a whole lot more.

As for your piece with Switch, that was personally my more favored of the two. I really felt there was an unspoken tension between the two despite all the formalities, like they’re both trying their hardest to ignore the pink elephant just standing in the room. It didn’t surprise me that Amaya would just flat out call her to a duel, but that in itself makes for an awesome cliffhanger to end the collab. I’m really hopeful to see the next part of you guys’ work. Lord knows, we need more girl-on-girl action here. Fights, that is. Lol.

Grade: 152/152​

Switch – I Don’t Feel So Well

Same comment as with Sing’s above^. Again, it’s nice to see Amaya re-connect with past people and talk about the ‘good old days.’ I find it a particularly fun read when she delves into talks about Masato, other old 11ths, and in this case, Hikaru. Your first turn was a bit pulled out though the conversation with the dude from the 4^th was entertaining in its own right.

Grade: 88/89​

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Trio – Escalation // Pride (Never Hurt Nobody)

Oh god, my eyes. Gray font over white background. The hell is wrong with you?

Grade: 0/209



Just kidding. First off, it’s good to have you writing again. Akio definitely needs to have a presence now that there are more people in the Fourth. That said, onto the chapters. This Hollow hunt first seemed standard on the outside, but as it went along, I realized something freaking awesome about it: Akio is growing the hell up. I got an entirely different vibe from him here, far more mature and badassedly composed compared to the Akio Kyuketsu trained all those months ago. He was analytical of the situation, calculating, and took full charge of how his subordinates and allies functioned. Really the gold standard for a Vice-Captain, so kudos to you there. Same deal with the PM thread, and even more so with it being a high-stress scenario.

Grade: 208/209 (PM Bonus included)​

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Again, everyone else, aka Mango and Nella, Switch is grading y'all.

To my grader, refer to my first post ^

 

[K3]

GROUP FIVE GRADING
PM me anything I missed.​

Hiren:

[50/53]Job Security:
Almost full points for a good collab, but you fell short with grammar and spell-checking here.

I found no less than two spliced sentences that had no place where they were, and no place existing in the first place. What I took off was actually less than what removing the unnecessary sentences were worth. Still, the content was good and kept a clean pace.

Not much to say other than I see a dynamic here, but it keeps coming across rather flat. There needs to be some manner of investment on either side, instead of these routine barbs that hold no actual emotion to them. The two have helped each other out yet I never really get a sense that there's this feeling of mutual respect or even tension over two highly ambitious beings attempting to coexist.

Shades:

[50/53]Job Security
Tyler, you need to step it up.

It's good to see you writing, but if you don't spell-check your work your grades and quality of writing are going to suffer for it. I don't want to see things like this in writing:

Hisao gave a short curt laugh as he , “You make it really hard tapped his fingers on the armrest of his chair. “Ciro, you make it extremely difficult for a cynic to complain.

That's not just missing something, typing too fast. That's being sloppy and not bothering to read what you post. You know better by now. With that out of the way, I really feel it needs to be stated again: this dynamic is falling flat. It's clear you two are putting effort into making this come across as a battle of wits, but all I'm seeing is barbs thrown in without any actual investment to their meaning.

[100/139]Windy City Woes
I have to question how these chapters flowed.

I saw your usual smatterings of grammatical errors, and you lost out for that, but that's not what I'm addressing here. What I'd like to ask is - did you start these chapters in a way that would entice the reader to continue?

Now as these are all continuations of the same event, I'll simply focus on the first chapter - though, it may be something to keep each piece of writing separate - and state that it's a terribly slow start. Worse yet it starts off with a dialogue error. When dialogue ends you start a new paragraph. When you create a separate dialogue you start a new paragraph. Dialogue is not an in-between except for a single sentence.

The beginning then spirals into this mass of text that doesn't show, but tells. You give out numbers and expect a reader to piece together their own description - that's not helpful. You can tell us a man is 6'5" and 250 lbs and unless we have a very specific idea of what that looks like we don't know how that's expressed. If the man is muscular and burly as you described, never hesitate to detail it.

Alas, back to the flow. When you start a chapter, always think about how you want it to start. You should always think about where you want a piece of writing to start and end. When you know what you want a chapter to be about, this is easier. Then start the chapter in a way that you know will make a reader want to keep going. Give them incentive, a plot point worth discovering, a character development worth reading, so on so forth.

Sev: + 50 Division Bonus

[??/??]The Cuts Marked in the March of Men
I enjoyed this collab, I really did.

What I didn't like was the overuse of those special effects you had. It's one thing to use them, it's another to have seven or eight of them crammed between one line of text apiece. Might've been easier to handle if you'd done some fancy-format with their aligning or floating or whatever, but just having so many of those stuck between all the actual text was a little obnoxious.

You get what I get in points.

Tom: + 50 Division Bonus

[55/55]Clarity in Red and Black
Mysterious chapter is mysterious.

I liked what I saw here. Good flow, good characterization, definitely a lot of plot generation. I like seeing fresh faces introduced into plot, and the lack of information given about them only makes me more interested. Full points for this one.

Moony: + 50 Division Bonus

[61/61]Le Regles Du Jeu
A good chapter, Moony.

As I've said before, the cast of characters you have assembled is really quite nice. Each is distinct, has their own troubles and issues, their own obstacles to overcome, and really it all comes together quite nicely. I can't really say much on this chapter other than you did a rather good job of it, so take full points.

Guest Grader: Wayne:

[26/26]An End To All
Bluh bluh ending stuff.

Two turns means I really don't have much to say on the matter.

[306/316]Raptor's Gaze
So close, so very very close.

The first two chapters were great. Almost flawless, really. That's why you're getting full points for both of them. Then I read the third chapter.

People really, really need to realize that Ei Wo Toru is not an attack. It has never been an attack. It is respectively a counter-attack. It is two movements: a parry, followed by a single counter-attack. It is not an attack that initiates a clash. You use it after someone attacks you.

Also - yes you can change the target of Rikujoukourou rather freely. No, you can't change what it targets. The spell will always target the mid-section unless you have a feat or ability specifically stating otherwise (like, say, Will's unique feat: Shijisaki Enryo Naku).

The content and characterization in this was strong, but failing to fact-check what you do leads to moments like this. I'm not taking too much off because you glazed over the Ei Wo Toru enough that it could be interpreted as being a counter-attack to Saito, but I'd rather not see this kind of slip again.

Ending it on a high note - you're probably the first person I've ever seen write their S-Tier arc immediately after submitting the item...and not just take the item with the assumption that the arc was already written.

Raph's Links for Week 251:
The Cuts Marked in the March of Men
Fukushima: A Time for All

 

[Apeiron]

Oh god what is this, Hare is grading. Run, run for your lives!

But no, seriously, here are my links. Grades will be up tomorrow-ish.

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36830-Week-251-Not-Human

 

[switch5]

Sorry if I got your colors wrong. Also this'll learn me to offer to grade. You all write to much...

Lil: WHYDIDYOUWRITESOMUCHOMG

Taishuu Moral:

This was an interesting and good read. I like the way the moral was completely secretive, and I loved that moment where Nana was all like “I don’t want to assume, but its about my moral.” and Lilith was all “Lol no...”

Overall I think it was a good way to extract just enough information to determine in Nana would be a good Captain or not without giving it away. I also liked the more stoic Lilith, I always enjoy seeing characters in their most serious of moments.

I did notice a period without a space after it in one of your turns, but suspiciously no other grammar errors. So you can get full points on this.

[108/108]

The Temptation of Adele Pierce:

So at times this felt really natural, flirty and exactly what it meant to do. Sometimes though your diction with Evie really slipped from a random hookup between two consenting adults at a tea shop, to high school girls just flirting for the first time. I don’t know if this was your intention, but it really made it slip from temptation to childish, for me at least. I also think Adelaide was too much in her head for this. For me there was way too much thought about Brooke, it kept breaking up moments.

I’m just not sure about this one tbh. There were moments, and I feel like you rp’d Evie well enough despite a slip up here and there. I feel like Evie was just too minor of a character, I never really got too much personality from her.

Anyway enough talk about this one.

[145/153]

Tranquility:

Omgwhydidyouwritesomuch...

Also are there any men in the 10th? Like any at all?

Anyway:

Of all the weeks I get to grade you. This and the other one. Jeeze. At least I can count myself lucky you write it well...

I liked this one a lot. I do have to admit though, I thought Ish was hilarious in this, always interjecting at the worst moments, and really making it so there was enough awkwardness in this whole thing to keep it interesting beyond a whole collab about Ish and Lilith hooking up. But once again watch your diction, I really don’t think “annoying” is a great word to describe punishments on one’s secretary’s. Or maybe that’s just me.

[127/129]

That one with Cad:

LOLLLL.

I thoroughly enjoyed this one, from saying that he smells, to just shouting into the theatre that a ghost was taking her away, to Cad’s Jurrasic Park reference (weather it was known or unknown) this was great

[110/110]

Nella:

Wishes From Beyond:

It was well written, but I feel like you didn’t really say all that much. That said I’ve written chapters like this before, and I know sometimes you just need to say that stuff, and it was very well written, you could have given me a little more...

[24/24]

That one with Cad:

This one was pretty good, it felt really flat at time, and really fun at others. Really though I think you stole the show in this one and kept it interesting and the plot of this sections moving. Also no obvious grammar errors. Nice Job

[85/89]

For Fun and Flavor:

I’m gonna be honest, I wasn’t as much of a fan of this one. It was fun enough, but there were a lot of typos and grammar issues from both of you. I can normally overlook a few, but there were a fair number. It just felt too fluffy and unnecessary.

But it was fun I guess.

[58/68]

 

[Cad]

12th Divisioners

TITSSSSS
Stuff
115/119

It’s nice to see you writing again and, as usual, it’s flowery - very flowery. In fact, it seems a little too descriptive. The allegory throughout is pretty clear but it gets to the point of feeling a tad overdone and repetitive. You’ve certainly established yourself as one of the best descriptive writers, if not the best...so shaving it back might put it at just the right place. There are a few punctuation errors and some run-on sentences but they don’t stab you in the brain when reading.

Thematically, it’s definitely an interesting story...aside from Rob, I think I know your writing pretty well compared to others but, even though I might have a guess as to what it all means, I know I’m likely wrong. Plenty of questions surround this, which will really pull someone in, once they’ve sunk their teeth into it. It’s really easy to let arcs fall to the wayside but I want to seriously urge you to follow this one through - I think it has a lot of potential to be a great storyline.

Mits
60/69

Ok Mitsu, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Actually, that’s a lie. Just like a spanking, it doesn’t hurt me at all - only you. In fact, I kind of enjoy it, so prepare for the beating!

ON THE REAL, though, I can appreciate a secular, fun and care-free chapter every once in a while. They can be good cures for writer’s block, character development and, in general, just writing exercise. That being said, this was a fairly ‘relaxing’ read compared to technical fights or deep, twisting personal arcs but the only thing detracting from it is your grammar and punctuation. I think it would really benefit you to have someone read over your work (even if it is your writing partner, as you go) before posting.

You have a good sense for natural conversation and interaction but it gets caught up in the fragmented structure of your use of the English language. Some errors jump out to the point that it made me have to reread the entire sentence just to make sure I understood what I was reading. Here are a couple of examples:

On the other side of the door, a people was talking to herself.

Person (singular), not people (plural).

She knew that he would react to her calling him this when others are around.

Almost half of that sentence is pronouns! Ay ay ay! I might rephrase it like so: “She knew her husband would react to the nickname if they were around other people.”

Standing up, he walked to her and...mussed up her hair.

The ... continuation doesn’t seem necessary.

I’m not going to nitpick anymore for you but know that there are a number of missing and misplaced punctuation marks. It might read aloud clearly, especially in conversation, but the written text has to match it up as well. Like I said, you have a very natural flow to your writing and it would benefit your work to let someone help iron out the syntax errors. Now, get ready for our collab!
*Stabs*

 

[Apeiron]

Sorry, no fancy shmancy font stuffs.

1st Division

I saw not a chapter from any of you, but on the chance that I have missed something please link me to it.

5th Division

Ryan
55/56

Oh god Ryan, my sides hurt the first time I read this, and it didn’t hurt any less the second time. I really appreciate your ability to write Raury serious, nonchalant, woeful, or even angry, and still make me laugh.

I am continually surprised by how Raury uses God Hand, which says something, because I expect the technique to be abused. Just... not in the same way Raury does it. I particularly liked his solution to the lake, and following failure. I think given the chance, most people wouldn’t write their characters failing with God Hand - just struggle with it.

I don’t really think there was anything in the way of grammatical errors that I caught. But I do believe the phrase goes “neither hide nor hair”. Also, I correct myself. There were a couple grammatical problems, but nothing that can’t be solved with a quick proof-read of writings in the future.

Also, you can now give Raury the title of the 5th’s Drunken 20th Seat. Congratulations. +50 div points to celebrate.

Also, Mariko, Yukiko and Orin can expect promotions too (17, 18, and 19 respectfully). I was hoping to promote Xan and Atticus when we got back from Dunan, but you know how that goes.

7th

Ish
129/129

Well, that wasn’t what I expected - which is surprising to me because I really should have expected a romance chapter anywhere Lilith and Ishin are involved. I don’t particularly enjoy romance writing (my own being pretty atrocious) but yours was better than the stuff I’ve read. The interplay between Lilith and Ishin was smooth, the turns flowing between banter and emotion ... I am impressed. It was a good collab.

I didn’t note any mistakes, though whether that’s because there weren’t any or the writing was that good, is up in the air. Personally, I’ll play it up to the fact that the writing was that good. Enjoy the full points for this plus +50 div points

Guest Grade

Raph
57/57
54/54

I have mixed feelings about your chap. First, I want to be clear that it was well written and well told, but something in that writing felt off. It might have been the narrative style you chose for this chapter. It felt ... a little too detached in my opinion. Still well done. Full points for this. Also, congratulations on the promotion (demotion?).

Your collab with Sev, now, that was a really good read. Maybe it was just because of the history of the two characters bleeding through, and your chap was the start of something, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading Mouka and Masato angrily fire bullets towards one another. The anger, the regret, the hurt ... I applaud you two for a well done collab. And not an error to my eye. Full points and +50 div bonus to you.

 

[lilmangoseed]

Katie – 371 + 150 Div

Chapter was super cute. I think it’s really great that you brought Annika to life. Her positive personality really shined through here and served as a good foil for everything that Adelaide is going through. Great job. I’m excited to see what you do with her plot-wise because there’s so much potential with her unique abilities. I also really appreciate the Fukushin name-dropping because it’ll act as a great diving board to jump off of and build her character and story.

Our collab was a lot of fun writing. Like what Switch said in my own review, I do feel as if there was a lot of back-and-forth here between pursuing Evie and getting worried about Brooke. It was awkward at points, but hey, first dates always are. As we keep writing together and start establishing the dynamic between Adelaide and Evie better, I’m sure we’ll smooth out all those kinks

+150 Div

Artist’s Soul – 71/71
Temptation – 150/153 *2CB = 300​

Rob – 171

So the moral... I think you know how I feel about that OOG, which I won’t discuss openly here. However, IG, this was very well-written. For what was actually submitted, pacing, tone, conversation, all went smoothly and cleanly. It was, actually, my favorite conversation between Lilith and Nana.

Was Nana... hitting on Thaleia? Haha! I was surprised at their interaction. For two serious women, Thaleia and Nana got along very well. Like what Nico said, I was surprised at how quickly they opened up to one another. But since, if I am correct, there might be more there than just a quick meet-and-greet, I can understand. Anyway, nice job on this one too. I hadn’t expected Feng to act as a bridge for Nana and Thaleia, but it works.

Moral – 108/108
Spontanei-something - 63/63​

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