Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 2
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions Group 2 (Katie): 10th/8th Divisions Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Well...I guess someone had to be the one who got points docked this week. But we'll start with what you did right first of all. The biggest thing you did right was Arno's monologue. The whole plumbing analogy worked well and somehow suits the character. I also think that Rudo's reactions were well written and we're starting to learn more about him and what drives him.
Now let's talk about areas to work on. The first one is repetition of similar words or phrases in the same sentence. There are two places where this was glaring. The first was, "a cold bend punctuated the soft bend to the old man’s grey eyes." and the second is, "the saxophonist looked on the man so easily willing to slight him without even the slightest changing of his features." Word variety is good in sentences.
The second thing is weird word choice. There are a few places where you picked words that...just....didn't quite fit. Like "facade" gets used an awful lot and sometimes it isn't really workable. Especially in the case of, "warping his facade" where you could have just said "his face warped..."
There was also "What he found on the man’s shadowy front" which....uh....front in place of face is kind of awkward. Sometimes too much thesaurus-like variation is just too much.
Raph:
History Wears a Mask [111/111]
I haven't got a lot of say here except that you did what you set out to do. You DMed for Vince very well and kept the flow of the collab going. Again I feel like I should be finding problems with people's stuff but there's just nothing here I feel is worthy of docking points out of.
Twm:
And Next Comes [118/118]
Well, another excellent chapter is born from Twm. This was a great piece of dialogue and character writing. We discussed the "core cast of characters" idea and this is a good example of what it looks like when done properly. Good stuff sir.
So I'll be grading for Group 2 this week. 10th/8th, I didn't see any links in the grading doc. Please PM me if I missed something.
Rawb
Ancient Tomes
Grade: 51/51
Comments:
It's been a while since I've graded you. As such, I don't have much clue as to who Cain and Leah are; however, you gave me enough context within your writing to enjoy this piece of writing.
I was intrigued by the pair searching through the library for the 'truth'. Given that much mystery surrounds Amaterasu, I'm not surprised they didn't find much initially. Leah getting pulled into the book and standing face to face with Nana was a nice touch, but one I was hoping to see more of. I can't fault you for ending it on a cliff hanger, even though I wanted more.
Anyway, grammatically you were fine. I just hope you do a follow-up next week so I can see where this is headed.
OKAY, so I finished this chapter equal parts confused and intrigued. The most important question I was left with was: am I already supposed to know who Kakuni is (what the hell her job entails)? It's touched upon here and there throughout the chap (when she's getting home, her friend mentions it, that shady package drop-off), but if it was outright stated what she does then I missed it, somehow.
Which, in a way, would be ttly okay with me. I actually really enjoyed that mysterious aspect to the whole thing -- that behind Kakuni's easy smiles and flippant sort of personality, there's something that people aren't seeing. That readers aren't seeing. It's the sort of thing that grabs my attention and really makes me want to know more about the character and to see more of them.
TL;DR - I hope Kakuni's job is supposed to be a secret, 'cause I liked the whole not-knowing aspect. It'd make for a fun reveal later on, too.
On the more technical side of things, I noticed a few little things -- a couple of hiccups like missing commas or the sort of awkward structuring that happens sometimes when rewriting sentences. Near the beginning the sentences almost felt too choppy -- some of them probably could've been combined to make for a more flowing style, but that's more personal preference than legitimate complaint. Once I was into the writing, for example, I didn't notice anything at all. Good job, and keep it up!
Oh-hoh, another Kakuni chapter -- and a collab this time! Maybe this will shed some light on this mysterious young woman of ours.
NOPE.
Good.
Haha, Kakuni really does have a strange air about her; I find it hard to get a grasp of what she's really, really thinking at any given moment. Even when she's scared, she almost feels...lackadaisical. How nonchalant she is about being confronted with a hollow, how calmly she accepts (or at least rolls with) the existence of hollows and super-powered magical humans, that 'I guess I'd be K, then' joke of hers, and her ability to just wander off, smile in place, after everything is said and done.
And more work-related injuries.
The mystery is killing me.
Since I am actively trying to remember any grammatical problems I wanted to point out and can't, let's assume that means there weren't any (and not that I can't retain information for longer than a minute or two, tops)!
.
I sort of feel like, since he was mostly acting as Exposition Man (and also to prevent Kakuni from being killed, although, if my belief that she is a ballerina-hitman is correct, she totally could've handled herself), Zakki didn't have much opportunity for his personality to shine in this collab. Of course I don't think I've read a whole lot of Zakki (or if I have, the memory was promptly overwritten by the 'baby goat is hungry' video I no-doubt watched later), so I could be wrong!
But yeah, a lot of Zakki in this collab was explanations and reassurance and the to-be-expected 'do you think I'm crazy?' question. I kinda liked the way he was careful to avoid any mention of Cerberus in his handling of Kakuni (whatever his reasons for doing so may be); for a guy in Cerberus, I was sort of surprised about his attitude. I always associate Cerberus with, ya know, Ciro and Arano. And yet I found Zakki to be a very polite, friendly sort of person. Did I miss something? Is he really that nice? Is he really part of Cerberus? What's the trick?
It makes me wish I'd let March romp around in Cerbie for awhile before he went and stabbed himself with magical death-knives (aren't all knives magical death-knives? No, no they aren't, shut up). After all, 'Sahara Jackie' was assigned to him as his superior -- and they were SUPPOSED to go on a mission or something.
OH WELL.
A few proofreading-slips came up here and there (comma-problems and a few run-on type sentences), but nothing overarching or chapter-ruining. One day, we must make collab.
It will be good day. (Or month, or year, taking my writing pace into account).
Ahahaha-- I have no idea why, but the fact that both chapters I read of yours include Zakki A) saving someone's ass and B) handing out his personal phone number, really cracks me up. A lot.
This collab seems to verify the idea that Zakki is, in fact, a nice person (are you sure he's in Cerberus?). Very polite. He also seems to suffer from shonen-protagonist syndrome, where, any time he tries to do anything, he is immediately beset with some sort of crisis that needs his help to fix (or that he assumes needs his help to fix). And then he goes and gives out a calling card -- so that he can deal with even more crises. Good Guy Zakki (only he won't tell you his name or explain who he is because reasons). But hey! At least he's aware of it!
He felt strangely sad that he had to leave over and over again without telling anyone the slightest thing about himself but that was the price he paid for his position at Cerberus.
Zakki and Garren worked nicely together (aka you and vale wrote nicely together); I liked the sort of combat-dynamic they had, particularly Garren handing off Mystery Pill X to Zakki to finish the fight. For a pretty weird meeting collab/hollow-fight collab, you two pulled it off pretty well. Me gusta.~
Some more proofread-slips throughout this collab (a few missing words, a weird dependant clause that was left all on its own (Handing the Quincy a blank card with only a mobile phone number on it.), etc -- again, nothing debilitating, just stuff to look out for before posting.
WORD TO YO MAMA.
.
If I fucked something up or somehow missed something/someone (always a possibility when I am grading), come to my house and punch me in the face.
My Cousin Vinny – History Wears a Mask // The Dong is Coming All Over Her Face
Unlike past reviews, I’m gonna have to focus more on grammar this time around rather than the overall plots of your chapters. As a little side note, however, the story structures by themselves were solid. It’s really the linguistics that bit your ass for these two, most notably in your collab with Kiro/Raph.
There are a few basic mistakes that you got running around the chapters, which by themselves aren’t that big a deal. But because I’ve read your shit before (and it’s been fantastic for the most part), I’m gonna uphold you to a higher standard compared to the rest. Grade school flaws like “its” and “it’s” shouldn’t be an issue to you. At all. Far-fetched is one word, no separated by a colon. You don’t put an apostrophe after an ellipsis, and so forth. I know you know these things already, so just double check your turns or something before putting a final post.
So many NPCs, so little time. You’re gonna have to forgive me for not understanding or knowing who the hell most of these guys are with the first read-through. I’m vaguely familiar with your others guys, but the ones here are drawing a blank. Either way, this chapter was quite entertaining despite the unfamiliarity. While I wouldn’t say it’s a 10/10 in the introduction department, it still managed to do its job by getting the reader immersed in the plot. Grammar-wise, I saw nothing worth picking on, and again, I’m a fan of the subtle inserts-link-thingamajigs you put inside lines every now again. It adds welcome aesthetic flair to the chapter more than anything. I might just start using it myself. Lol.
Grade: 95 + 15 Division Bonus
I'm certain that's all of them. @Rob, I don't got anything for this week, breh.
