Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 2nd/8th/10th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
[51/54]Kitty Meets Cat:
Hmm, a few things need clearing up, but this was pretty good.
First things first - you did really well with your dialogue in this. It's clean, it's well-paced, and you give a good portrayal of two people talking to each other.
You do have smatterings of grammatical errors - remember to proofread your chapters before/after you post them. Something I'd like to bring up in regards to this chapter is point-of-view. You make switches to and from Midnight a couple times throughout the chapter, maintaining an omniscient view on the narrative. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a problem that most writers run into with it is a lack of character expression as a result.
Thankfully you dodge this for the most part. One thing I'd like to point out in closing is that for a cat to possess reiatsu would definitely mean something is up. Maybe you planned for that, maybe not, I'm not entirely sure. Reiryoku is produced from the Soul Sleep, you see, and as far as I can tell, cat's don't possess them. If there's an intrigue meant to be here, you've got it, but do be aware that not every soul possesses reiryoku/reiatsu.
Katie:
[65/65]Here's a Lollipop:
Good on your end, less so on the other.
You started really, really strong in this collab. You came in, you gave a very good introduction without making it slow things down at all, and you kept a strong narrative presence without sacrificing interaction. All in all, the first half of this collab was amazing.
Things do slow down noticeably in the second half. It feels like you're padding for time to span things out more than necessary, and you end up bearing the majority of the narrative burden. This was definitely something that needed a larger purpose to carry it, and I kind of wished you guys had more to offer on this than a simple healing session.
That being said, you kept a majority of the narrative afloat, and in the second half all but dominate the entire collab.
[82/82]The Place I'll Return Someday:
A lot happening at once, but a bit hard to take seriously.
The interaction between the characters in this is very strong - the advisors and Adelaide flow from one to another without seeming forced. The content was very interesting, and I felt an appropriate sense of weight about the decisions being made.
That being said, there was a slight disconnect in that they would be discussing noble affairs in a public restaurant where any prying ear could catch their plans. Still, the location played to the humor of it all with Adelaide trying to keep up with the stress and weighty problems of nobility. All in all, good piece, solid grammar and narrative, take the points.
[94/96]Historically Accurate:
Kyeh? Que?
This was a decent piece, not as strong as your others. I noted a couple tense errors (potentially just a misspelling), nothing serious but you did lose a point or two for it.
One thing that stood out in this was the pacing. Unfortunately, not in a good way. The collab takes an extremely slow pace, to the point where the entire goal of the collab only comes into play well into the second half of it. Something to keep in mind for the future, try to keep the purpose of the collab at the front - let other things flow from that purpose, instead of distracting from it.
All in all, still a good read, and I do like the dropping of other characters into your narrative - very good at keeping a sense of interconnectivity.
I got a link from rob and think i saw a beaks post? Ill be throwing grades up in a couple hours! No writing from me this week (I know, shocker).
Rob: Historically accurate
97/97
Not many notes tonight because I have to hit the sack but, as I noted for Katie a while ago, I like reading stuff that still references Raifuku and how it's impacted the HD universe. I'm a little confused/curious about this library/book distribution idea but I'm all for something new and unique!
Beaks: Under a Godless Moon
51/51
As noted, I have to be brief but I'm glad this is the follow up to the previous chapter. I like the relationship that is developing here and the dynamic of how they each control the struggle and growth. I may update this post with more notes by tomorrow, if i get a chance. Nice work!
EDIT FOR WAYNE - Sorry I missed it broseph. Brief notes but I've read both thoroughly and would be glad to give you more specific feedback on AIM if you want!
Paradise of Knaves:
97/97
Interesting collab - I'd like to know where the 11th investigation goes and how your pc spearheads what could be found...
A Blunted Edge:
128/128
I actually had to read some of this twice. Not because it was convoluted or unclear but You and Raph really packed this in with vivid and heavy dialogue. It started off pretty standard but really snowballed and neither of you lost focus on what the intent was, for either character. Really great stuff. After the sentiments, the innuendos, analogies and the semantics that threaded the conversation, I think my favorite thing is how it ends:
“Your stance is awkward. Fix it. Your handle is loose and stiff. Do something about it.”
For starters, the collab was enjoyable. A wonderful follow-up with the events of Ciro’s death and I applaud the two of you for it. It’s nice.
While enjoyable, I couldn’t help and stop periodically and think “Why does something seem so... off?” In part I think it was just the way the turns flowed and it gave a rough, almost detached, feel to the writing. Another part maybe that Ciro’s (sister? cousin?) was there and... did nothing. Said nothing. Did nothing. She was only ever really mentioned in passing narrative, and was more of a set piece than anything but probably shouldn’t have been.
When you have additional characters on stage, it’s typically because you plan to use them in some way. Either as background fill for the main characters to interact with, as the subject of mystery, or some other role. Arietta was none of these.
Chekhov's gun, man. It’s for people as much as it is for plot items.
As for the training collab.... In complete honesty, Raph, I’m not too certain what you want with critiques about your writing. You kept the scenes moving, your motives with Kiro were together and present all throughout, and wrote a really well done training collab with Nick.
I will say that I would have liked to see a bit more internal struggle with the fear of hunger. As is, it feels like Kiro stated it and that was it. No further need to delve into his psyche or traumatic past. Some people would probably say what you had wasn’t bad, and I’d agree with them. I just feel like internal struggle would have helped make it better.
Full points for both collabs. There wasn’t anything devastatingly wrong with your turns, and the things I’ve mentioned aren’t worth slapping you with deductions currently.
Nothing special, nothing too bad. It seemed like just another run in the mill chapter to acquaint two characters together. It served its purpose, alright, but beyond that? Not much else. Grammar was top, the flow and chemistry between Alexia and Echo was only ‘slightly’ reminiscent of her relationship with Adelaide (which is a good thing). That being said, I’d like to point out a pretty questionable topic that’s been brought up in chat. Is Alexia really that vain/self conscious to not want to go back to SS because people might gawk at her Jupiter-sized tits? Instead, she had to call a medic into the World of the Living just to heal her so she can go back anyway. Not exactly against the rules or anything, but kind of a waste of tax payer kan, isn’t it? Whatever.
Grade: 62
Hiren – Nunc Dimittis
Goodnight, sweet prince. I’m not gonna lie, at first it seemed pretty damn cryptic where you were going with this, especially without a prior knowledge I heard from chat. That being said, when you got the groove going, it didn’t stop. I will say that the intentional vagueness of the chapter really worked to your favor. Not explicitly name-dropping Ciro’s gave it this almost poetic, sonnet-like quality (if that makes any sense). You portrayed him with no regrets, and kind of satisfied with what he had accomplished, which is rather fitting end for the former chairman. I didn’t feel like there was any sort of catharsis that really struck me as a reader, but then again this is Ciro we’re talking about. He gives zero fucks. All in all, fantastic work for this one.
Grade: 32
Mewn – No Shadows in Heaven
The end of an era and the passing of the torch, eh? In-context, you’d really think Ciro would make Arano his successor, but now it looks like Zakki’s the big boss in town. He took the assigned position awfully well, being all chairman-like off the bat with the whole “let’s move forward” shit. That being said, I appreciate the small, controlled in-fighting between him and Arano. While not exactly on friendly terms, it seems only fitting that they continue the tradition of being ‘allies’ while at the same time being tremendous dicks to one another. Ciro was his own form of spearhead for the Ahs, and so it’ll be really interesting how things progress with Zakki now holding the wheel.
This is probably the most emotionally powerful thing you've written...well..ever. I was touched by the child's spirit and the way it remained trapped in that terrible scenario. Good work all around!
Twm
Inglorious Purpose [52/52]
I think that you are doing a good job of moving your plot along, despite being Mr. Busy. I feel like it was a good way to introduce Luqy. Also the name Luqy is great. I haven't any real criticism of this chap.
Ketch
The Advent [162/162]
A well written continuation of the story and an excellent showcase of Rudo's evolution. I really appreciate the way you laid things out. Good job.
Revelations [54/54]
Well there were indeed revelations. I enjoy how you wrote Rudo's emotions in this one. I haven't got much else to add. Good work!
Also the three of you can split div. bonus three ways.
