Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 2nd/8th/10th Divisions
Group 3 (Cad): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Ugh why did you guys have to write so much. Also new formatting for grades because I'm obsessive like that yay and also because I like to rip off Will.
Bish: + 50 Division Bonus; + 100 Kan
42/42 - Communicão [840]
Hmm, a good short little chapter. A couple of key things I noted were Diasawhatever's choice of words in working with Satoru again - claiming that Satoru would rely on him.
Considering the basis of Bankai is for the shinigami to take control of their zanpakuto, rather than let it dictate their ability, I'm to how that will develop in the future.
88/88 - Purpose From Within [3510]
So is Kyuketsu just plugging Sayis' stuff? It feels like he's just plugging Sayis' stuff.
This is a nice read. You and Wayne have a good flow between you, playing off each other's actions without intruding. It is rather unusual to note that Satoru is scared of his own power because of the harm he can inflict on others, but sees emotion as having no place on the battlefield. I look forward to seeing how his naturally emotional nature reconciles with his own ideology.
I don't have much else to say - your ability to have Satoru interact with others while balancing introspection is getting better every time I see it. For taking responsibility on the matters of your subordinates, have some Division Bonus and Leadership Kan.
130/130 - Facing the Music [5195]
Hmm, the interaction between Satoru and Adele comes off as slightly awkward. The way they respond to another's actions has a slight disconnect, although that could be intentional. The remainder of the content was good, although the tone did waver a bit towards the end.
Satoru's often jovial nature towards things seemed to fade away for a time, seems very much like a mask to help disguise his concern for others. Full points for a good collab.
Dys:
62/62 - Drugged Teacups [1246]
A good piece, and the vulnerability given on Adele's part is very nice. I really enjoy what you've done with this 'hearing reiatsu' aspect of the character, letting both the positives and negatives flow to give you a variety of narrative.
The chapter itself is well-written. Your grammar is top-notch as per the usual, but a brief note on one thing. I notice you like to use Japanese phrases and keywords sometimes. Be a little careful of how you use these, some people might not understand that 'iie' means 'no', or the translations of other common phrases. That being said, it is a nice touch of variety to remind the reader of the spoken language, and don't think too critically of it.
35/36 - The Middle of the Night [722]
I said it above, but I'm going to say it again: you've really let this aspect of your character create an interesting, and empathic narrative. The fact that her gift is such a double-edged sword speaks volumes of the integrity of your writing, and again, gives you a good variety in your narrative.
This one had a few errors - typos mainly. Missed spaces at the beginning of sentences in the same paragraph, missing spaces between a dash for interjections, smalls stuff. Remember to go over what you post afterwards to make sure something didn't get mucked up in the editor, or for general proofreading purposes.
130/130 - Facing the Music [5195]
Not much to say that hasn't been repeated endlessly by now. Adele's mannerisms are consistent, and her attitude remains firm until the end of the collab. You were on top for grammar with this, and blah blah variety of narrative you've heard this enough times by now. Take full points.
Kago:
91/91 - Secrets Shared [3625]
I do love a good training collab. This was a good training collab. I love this. The interaction between Ilsa and Kago seemed a bit reminescent of Ilsa and Sayis, but with enough key differences that it felt distinct. The flow between you and Lin is very well done, the choice to include changing turn lengths for a better pacing was a good choice.
I would like to call attention to some minor things though. Your word choice for imagery sometimes feels a bit... off for the mood you're trying to present. When you describe Lin's enthusiasm as an actual infection, instead of just infectious, it presents a more negative imagery. For the future, try to keep in mind the tone of the imagery and attitude you're trying to present. Beyond that, this was a really nice piece - the distinction between the raw power of Togitate and its precision was a nice way to include a refining process for someone who is, for the most part, intimately familiar with reiatsu manipulation and control.
Reshin + 100 Division Bonus
64/65 - Origin [1309]
Welcome to Halcyon Days, Reshin! I'm Seraph, and I'll be helping you go through the process of doing your stats as well as giving you feedback.
Firstly, I like the character you've presented. The lack of knowledge speaks of integrity in your writing, and that's always an appreciated quality. However, I do think your technical writing could use some polishing. For instance, you have a lot of run-on sentences: sentences which contain more than one subject in them.
In general, try to restrain your sentences to a single subject. Character X does Y. Object A hits Character B. After that, you can add in adjectives and delve into more vivid imagery to help bring your writing to life for the reader.
Next, you don't really need to include a space between your dialogue quotations. It's perfectly fine, but not really necessary to be grammatically correct.
Lastly, and something you may want to work on for your next piece, is comma use. Now, a lot of people suffer from overusing commas. What I think you could benefit from is using them a little more often. A comma is meant to be a pause, a break in a sentence to allow for multiple events to happen at once. Just as a brief example below, I have a brief bit from your chapter both with, and without commas:
Example Original
The smaller man unable to somehow restrain the larger man was swiftly overwhelmed by the barrage of blows and the physical strength of his much more imposing combatant.Example Revised
The smaller man, unable to somehow restrain the larger man, was swiftly overwhelmed by the barrage of blows and the physical strength of his much more imposing combatant.
Now, I'm just going to help you out with stats real quickly, click the spoiler below!
Stats and the Personnel Records
When you post stats every week, you do it in a communally made thread. Usually posted with a song, so that everyone can recognize it.
The number here, 64/65 - Origin, determines your grade. 65 is the total amount you could have gotten, with 64 being your base grade for the piece. If you have multiple pieces, you may get the total base grade for the week, or have to add it up yourself.
What you'll do is take your base grade, and check for any bonuses you qualify for here: Bonuses. For the sake of easing you into it, I'm giving you 100 Division Bonus this week.
So just as a heads-up, you've got Division Bonus, and Newbie Bonus for this week. So what you'll do is take your base grade, 64, add the 100 Division Bonus for the total (164), and then add that total to your reiatsu, and distribute it to your stats accordingly. After that, you multiply each of your stats (including Reiatsu) to get your new stats for the week.
Good luck, and feel free to Private Message me, a GM, or drop into chat (we have an AIM chatroom called 'mangaden') if you need help.
Guest Grader: Cad
GIMME AN 'N'. GIMME AN 'O'. GIMME A 'P'. GIMME AN 'E'.
CAD IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY - SEND ME LINKSSSS
(but im looking for you anyways)
ROB
In the Footsteps That Burn
130/137
I was a little bored with the standard training 'meat' of the collab, to be honest' but you and Hare really saved it, at the end (pun intended). I like seeing Nana be straight forward, unconcerned with trying to maintain a 'face' - though I do think she could have provided more instruction and direction. With such a complicated and advanced technique, I would have expect more tutelage and perhaps more time to see any results. Maybe draw it out with another collab or two, getting into the nitty-gritty of it? I noticed this also:
“You have to push yourself to the absolute minimum and take on the very essence of the person’s shunpo. "
+50 Division Bonus for training (hooray, even though its not the 3rd but its for the good of the Gotei) hooray!
DIPPER
54/55
You trolled me. I trolled myself, actually. I was ready to see more of Breach the Titan, as your new PC, thrown off by the 3rd tag. Ha! I'm sad to say I have read very little of your previous work but I can honestly say that I have CLEARLY missed out. Your writing is fantastic and inviting to read. There were a few punctuation errors here an there but it doesn't detract from the chapter. This his really given me a teasing sample of what I look forward to reading in the future and I genuinely loved how pulled in I was, waiting for more to develop with Breach and the two figures. Two thumbs up.
WeinerWayne
86/88
It seems like most of Kyuketsu's interactions with other people are propaganda for the division I'm not sure he wants to make more of a point for himself but to get people over to his side, ha ha. At least Satoru enjoyed the stimulating argument I genuinely enjoy how little he actually cares for Alexia or, at least, shows it.
LATE BEAKS GRADE IS LATE
Aftermath
43/43
My only issue with the chapter is that it's too short. Great imagery that's easily painted by the reader's mind, rather than your own description. Directing the reader to understand the world around Tsubaki via her reactions is a very, very strong literary tool. Let's see how Tsu-Tsu handles the human brat...
Although this was apparently a long time in coming, Ilsa is one of the most enjoyable students to read. You have a knack for writing her excitement for learning and the enthusiasm for success. I... I feel like I should nitpick about Kago showing up and training her on the drop of a hat, but honestly, it just strikes me as funny. "Do you know any techniques like...?" "Technique. Train. Now." "Huh?" "Faster!" I actually don't have a whole lot more to say, since the writing was solid and I didn't see many of the errors you seemed afraid were there.
Hopefully you'll have a bit more luck OOG with the next phases of Togishi, but so far I'm enjoying the training IG.
+75 Div Bonus
Secrets Shared (3625) 91/91
Hare - 182/187
The collab with Zakki was actually surprisingly boring, and I think you guys got bored of it yourselves. There was nothing surprising, and the two characters remained utterly predictable throughout. I'm mildly curious about where it might go, but for right now, Michael presented an offer no one in their right mind would accept, Zakki didn't accept, and nothing happens. That's... about all.
In a stunning reversal, I was really pleasantly surprised by the collab with Rob. A lot of times, Nana collabs feel like reading the same thing again and again (sorry Rob), but right from the start there was a healthy dose of humor that really livened this one up. I don't even know how much of it was intentional. The scene with the kids was a good opener and Hare's masterful handling of Nana was hilarious. Then when it comes time to actually train, Nana basically just grumps and tsuns and asks Hare why he's not already getting it. Then she makes the comment about kidou and Hare's response is just priceless, practically, "do you even know what kidou is?"
I really liked the trick at the end to force Haresuno to get it and that it continues on. All around, nicely done. Was this a typo, though? I can't tell if this is some Yoda thing or if you meant to write maximum.
“You have to push yourself to the absolute minimum and take on the very essence of the person’s shunpo.
+75 Div Bonus
Mount Olympus (1990) 45/50
In the Footsteps that Burn (5480) 137/137
Raph - 104/104
What's with all the good training collabs all of a sudden? It's nice to see Masato in action -- for all the joking about how little he writes, Sev is fun to read -- but especially when he and Mouko play so well off each other. The two kind of remind me of brother and sister. Really nicely done training collab, a good mixture of showing off what Mouko already practiced and demonstrating something new. I'll admit to a little disappointment in the description of how to do Hecatonchires ("Build up your reiatsu, yo.") but the description of the tech itself was nice.
The description of Draugr was excellent. So yeah, I enjoyed the collab, enjoyed Break vs Break, and got a good visual of Taihou Kata and the new gun. Good stuff.
Just stop screwing around with all those extra apostrophes.
Killer of Giants (4153) 104/104
No writing from me. I had counted on the taishuu wrapping up but we needed a little overtime.
Anselma is one hell of a woman. That is the primary thing I'm drawing from all of what you've written lately, Ketch. I do like how Rudo seems simultaneously in awe of her and pissed off by all of the stuff she didn't tell him. I also like the history aspect you're bringing into your stuff. I just docked a few points for thesaurus speak.
The Cradle of Power [132/132]
There's something heavy and drama-laden that I like in this pchap. There was a deep sense of ancient power and mystery pervading everything that you portrayed here and I liked it. You were still being a bit of a thesaurus but I could manage it because of the content. Good work!
Sevulus Prime
Killer of Giants [104/104]
This was a master class in how to write combat and training. You and Raph flowed really well together and Masato stayed in character the whole time in a way that was most entertaining. You don't write a lot but usually what you do write is worth the wait.
