Dys - 136/138 + 150
I'm enjoying the blend of pay-off and additional build-up. Eden is finally taking some action regarding Harper and Ignis. Moreso, it shows that they did dig up some information on Ignis meeting the demvir, but that their efforts to hide the truth of the matter weren't in vain. Now there's the question of what will happen after the event finally takes place.
A few small typos, and at one point you refer to a customer having a scar across 'his' nose, but lifting up 'her' drink.
+150 Faction
Horizons in Motion (1382) 136/138
Rob - 355/360 + 150 Faction
It's been a long time coming, but now we're finally getting to see the advancement of Rosa's plot. Aranea herself surprisingly comes across as very bland, but that meshes perfectly with Arachne's criticisms of her in the later portions. The scenario with the enforcers, and the accusations that Alair let slip, helped to shed some light both on Rosa and Ollie. I felt like their fear was to be expected, so it didn't really reveal any more about Aranea than we already knew.
Momentum is building and now I'm looking forward to what will happen when and if Ollie finds Rosa almost as much as what will happen when Rosa and Aranea end up face to face again.
Remember to proofread, though, and watch out for redundancies like "normally already," which can detract from your work.
+150 Faction
Collabs (7190) 355/360
Hare - 168/169
I felt a little lost here. Nothing against your writing, but I always find it hard to focus on a short scene that's only talking about someone else. There's very obvious hinting that La Volpe has a crush on Kincaid, but no reference to why. Celsus preaching of the Vis while being a demvir and operating drones is quite interesting, and I'd like to know more about him as a character. He feels wasted here, catering to La Volpe's whims. Again, there's nothing in particular wrong with this chapter, nor with the characters, but it's a chapter that's referencing more of things happening than showing things happening. All I noticed on a technical level was one typo, 'envelope' instead of 'enveloped.'
I would also like to know more about what La Volpe looks like. This chapter played the equivalent of a movie scene in which the character is kept in the shadows or just out of frame.
Under the Hood (1688) 168/169
Finny - 355/360 + 72 Grader
Guess I'll be picking you up, too.
Near the beginning, I think you meant 'intimidated' rather than 'intimidating.' Past that, though, I thought your presentation of Ollie was a combination of scary and intriguing. I like most of the features that defined him: his scar and his cloak/robes, the way he carries himself and half-smiles, and the way he can be at once polite and mocking in almost everything he says. They all add together to tell us a lot about Ollie even before we see how others react to him.
The portrayal of Arachne was also well-done, in the way that she encourages Rosa while also chiding her, promises and threats mingling together. Another thing I enjoyed was that this section in particular felt very cohesive between turns. It flowed smoothly from one turn to the next.
Collabs (7190) 355/360
