~~Dys~~
Dragons (1287)
[126 / 129] + 150
Berrhurrnuerrr
Heyo Dys! Will’s FluCold/ColdFlu medicines are busy trashing his life and all he holds dear, so I’m here to
make
do
grades
for you </poem>
Sorry in advance if my comments are A. retarded, B. nonsensical, C. just, like, my opinion, man. I am scatterbrained from writing like 2 billion words of nonsense for college discussion posts.
So!
I, uh! I gather from this chapter that Ignus and Harper, who are two characters you write, are currently stuck in an unpleasant, weird sort of underground shady-business situation because Ignus still has a price on her head and these people somehow are all [they feel] is between them and horrible terrible prison-time a la Orange is the New Black: Enlil Edition? If so, yay! Congratulations! You did great at getting an uninformed reader up-to-speed on the situation while progressing it!
One thing I really enjoyed in this chapter was the very human emotions exhibited in both of these characters: Ignus being manic-energetic, a bold veneer over what seems to be some pretty severe worries/fears/concerns...and Harper being far more openly agitated, angry, and frustrated about the situation. I’d say the two personalities balance each other out, in a way. I especially like how Ignus’s determination to stay seemed to morph (at least...this is how I read it?) pure stubbornness – possibly because she’s too afraid to risk changing their situation? Something something the devil you know!
Only one particular nitpick I have for this chapter: you tend to use descriptives to...well...describe your characters far more than might be necessary. I’m referring to these sorts o’ thangs: rust-feathered enlil, the engineer, the avian engineer, the avian, the spurii, the bartender, and the ornery man.
Don’t get me wrong, descriptive nouns are good – fine! – great! – from time to time. They are good for giving a quiet little reminder of a character’s identity besides their name/gender (their race, occupation, identifying physical traits). Many, if not most, writers use them from time to time – and, towards the middle-near-the-end bit of your chapter, in the thick of the heated conversation/argument between Harper and Ignus, you did use them much more sparingly.
But, really, descriptive nouns should always be a rare-ish thing; for the most part, simple pronouns (he, she) or – if you feel a need to clarify the identity of the character, say, when someone else was just speaking, the character’s name (Ignus, Harper) are generally going to keep the flow of the writing quick and smooth.
Other than that, the only thing that jumped out to me was this blip:
“The only other option is to be scared,” Ignis said, voice much softer than it was moments earlier when she had made her bold declaration.
I’d point out there that the sentence where she made her ‘bold declaration’ was only a couple of sentences ago, and still very fresh in the reader’s mind as being the bold declaration that it was. This is really just a matter of opinion, so I ain’t takin’ no points for it, but I might suggest cutting it down to something more succinct/subtle/idk!
“The only other option is to be scared,” Ignis said, voice suddenly much softer.
OR
“The only other option is to be scared,” Ignis said, voice going soft.
Something along those lines, maybe? PFffftfrff I don't know! Hehe, it was just a thought.~
ANYWHO, Great chapter, and good luck with developing this plot line! It looks like it’s going great so far.~
~Inks
