Grading Session for Week 65

[Redfin]

Please note the changes to the grading groups. Castus is, for now, housing all inactive members. When members become active, they will be assigned to a group as appropriate, but should post as [Ca] until they are assigned.

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

Castus List

Bish
Bob
Bunz
Cheese
Dil
Freckles
Kaze
Lambo
Nella
Puppet
Sev
Tetsu
Thana
Zerieth

​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Moon
Shade
Sparx
Thread​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Dys
Rob
Shrub​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Doc
Loko
Minj​

[Aq] Aquila - Hare

Hare
Resh
Val
Vin​

The Rotation for the month of November 2015 is:

[Aq] -> [Be] -> [Oc] -> [Se] -> [Aq]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 11/10/15.

 

[Redfin]

Moon + 150 bouda
Watchers IV: 153
I really like the fade away ink thing at the end.

As for what happened. Huh. Nope. Napalm the entire city. Use some magic to strengthen the mist. Isolate it all.

The story had a great atmosphere all throughout. This had better have far-reaching implications!

---

Thread + 50 bousn
Average Day: 97
First off, it is nice to see you writing again, real nice. You had better keep that up.

This was a solid first chapter that introduces part of the team. Hopefully the rest will be shown over time, after we get to know a few. There was a bit of mystery in there, which I liked, it made the chapter more than a simple opening.

I do have a few punctuation things to point out. These are not all of them, just a few examples that you should follow going forward.

”Dante, You're back already?” A deep voice bellowed from the right.

”Dante, You're back already?” a deep voice bellowed from the right.

Even if the spoken dialogue ends in a ? if the following part is the same sentence, it would start with a lower case.

”Probably,” The sunwiser replied as he received the toss, ”Your one hand is still as lousy as ever, Dante, you should work on that more,” he claimed with a smirk.

”Probably,” the sunwiser replied as he received the toss. ”Your one hand is still as lousy as ever, Dante, you should work on that more,” he claimed with a smirk.

If the speaker is saying two sentences, and you break up the sentences with a narration part in the middle, the new sentence is treated like a new sentence, that is the previous one ends in a period and the next one starts with a capital.

Alright, let's get more writing up!

 

[Apeiron]

Will
Frits 365/365+50 faction

Yikes. What can I say but for a 7k collab, nothing really “happened”. Outside of Keydis and El’s banter, I was surprised to find myself really reading the lead-in to crafting negotiations.

But first, let me back up to the biggest thing I noticed in this collab: the flow. The back-and-forth between Keydis and El was superb -- allowing one character to be the other’s straight man at various points without seeming silly or nonsensical. It’s a statement to the writing you and Berz do that you two transition so easily over the course of the collab between various facets of your characters, and show them in such a way that makes it all read so well. One of the things (that I’d like to take a moment to highlight) you’re doing right happens to be references. As you read through the collab, both you and Berz are tossing down references of previous encounters in both narrative and dialogue. By doing this the interactions between the two characters feels more authentic, and even without reading the previous collabs gives the right amount of context needed to move the collab along. Even your references to your own personal arcs or collabs with other people are well tailored throughout.

Speaking of, the fact that this turned out to be nothing more than El and Keydis negotiating the price of a sword turned out to be interesting. I had expected at least one fight to break out, but I guess the life of a merc and buccaneer can’t be filled with action and adventure every time. Though adding in Keydis’s business side was nice to see, as was her attempt to compare El’s skill to Annora’s (despite not knowing a damn thing about the craft).

All-in-all it was a good read, and I’m looking forward to seeing the crafting collab once it’s completed.

 

[swaswj]

Berri - 365/365 + 150 Faction

Well, like Hare said, when you look back at it, there was really very little that happened in this collab. Reading back through it, though, I really like the pace that we struck. Your writing with El flows a lot more freely than writing with Pers, and although a large part of it has to do with the difference in their persona, I think another part may be his similarity to March's more happy-go-lucky side.

Whatever the reason, your turns (through no prompting of mine) had a good range of short and long, fitting in at just the right lengths to add to the story without drawing it to a halt. Some of the references to pre-existing writing were good, but so also was the foreshadowing of things you haven't revealed in El's past, yet. The little hints at distrust and self-consciousness when reminding himself everything has a price were a good nod to the fact that El is more than an archetype. He's upbeat, but not an idiot. I won't say that it's a huge step forward in your writing, because despite what you think, your writing is consistently good -- but it is a great example of characterization done well.

+150 Faction Bonus

Fritters (7300) 365/365​