Sometimes the Val/Ignis thing gets to be confusing. I understand that it's an extension of her dissociating the events around her, though. It just seems more confusing when the writer you're collaborating with is also nicknamed Val.
No complaints about the writing. Although the collab mainly involved talking, there was enough description of body language and background activity that it didn't turn stale. The actual meat of the conversation wasn't bad -- perhaps not as discrete as it ought to have been, considering -- and the unexpected surprise of a promised date added some spice to it. The collab really seems to demonstrate Ignis growing a little more mature, actually. In spite of embarrassment, she didn't get overly flustered, and took charge of the talking when she needed to make a point. Good character development makes for a great read.
+150 Faction
PM: A Very Important Date (3861) 386/386
My one complaint about this chapter mostly comes right at the start, so we're going to begin with that. The introduction is a cold start (pun not intended, but appropriate), where you bring us immediately into Lambda waking up and gasping for breath. Then he sucks in a gasping breath. Then he pants in bursts of foggy breath. Later, he again gasps for breath, and finally, his breath escapes him in a rush. The repetition of the theme -- overwhelmed, lungs burning, panting with exertion -- is actually a good thing. It's a constant that helps define the situation. The problem comes when the same phrasing or wording is repeated, especially close together.
Lambda drew in a deep, gasping breath, then choked on it. He startled to consciousness face-down and coughing up snow.
Wha--?
The spurii’s eyes shot open, and he instinctively shoved himself onto his side, sucking in a sharp, gasping breath. Pain lanced up his right arm. With a choked-off cry, he jolted upright, panting out bursts of foggy breath. The icy-cold air burned in his lungs, setting him off coughing again while melted snow ran down the side of his nose and dripped from his chin, his feathered cheekbones, and the damp tangle of his bangs.
In cases like this, you should try to branch out your descriptions. You can also emphasize other aspects of the same thing. You do this a few times, such as when you describe his heart hammering, but it would have improved the introduction to space out the references to breath and gasping.
After the introduction, however, the chapter immediately finds its stride. Lambda is awaking after an indeterminate length of time, following a devastating cave-in. He's all alone, arm broken, bearings lost. You do a great job of showing us a character who is panicking but focused on survival. "Just one thing at a time," "Don't think about the cold," "Don't think about Mam or Taa;" Lambda has to repeatedly force himself to keep his mind on what needs to be done. While potentially young -- we don't actually know -- he is at least somewhat prepared thanks to his parents and whatever they taught him.
The description of the icy setting was excellent, as well. A detail I particularly liked was that Lambda is not entirely underground. There's at least enough of an opening to the sky for snow to gust in, and for faint amounts of light to reflect in. Not only does it feel more original, but it allows us a much stronger setting than 'darkness everywhere.' That's not as true for Lambda himself, who is never described, visually, beyond references to his heavy coat and his 'dark and gold' hair.
What I probably liked most, though, was the little bit of world-building. It's a minor aspect of the chapter, but the sunstone captures a bit of modern convenience and repackages it in fantasy colors in a way that seems simple and natural. Even the additional detail on Lambda's use of the potions was appreciated. The two potions had notably different taste and viscosity, not just different colors. Lambda trying to remember how long to wait between potions was another nice touch, especially since he isn't even thinking about 'why,' but just doing it as if he was taught it was the way to do things.
Now you just have to write how he actually survives the ordeal, beyond the first fifteen minutes.
+150 Faction
Vivi et Evigilans (1844) 180/184
