Word up, Kags my man, my homie, MY DOG, BRETHREN MINE. How’s it? Good? Good. That’s good. Since Will is busy punching out the mafia (or working, or his work is punching out the mafia), I’m subbin’ in to grade you on this fine...T...Tuesday? Haha, yes! Tuesday!
I’m sorry in advance for not knowing your character’s story, personality, what plot arc is going on, or anything like that; I got a few details here and there from Will, but mostly I’m winging it!
Kago - 544/545 + 151 Faction Bonus (Because Will said he usually doesn’t give one person more than 150, and I am a born rebel mothafucka)
So, structurally and grammatically, your writing is A+, Good Job, reads smoothly and flows well. Yayyy! /shoves that boring shit out of the way
Now, for Dio himself. Dio. Dio. Diiioo dio dio. From the personality and actions I got in this chapter, Dio is...How do I put this? An excellent, well-written example of a character I DO NOT LIKE. As I described to Will, there are asshole characters I like -- and I can like them because I've never encountered the personality in real life, so the character traits aren't associated with real-life emotions that are negative -- and then there are asshole characters I can't like, because they are realistic personality types that I have met in real life, and therefore have negative or 'ugh this person' associations for. If you're going for a realistic, believable and flawed personality, that's a good thing!
This chapter also has concepts I shy away from in my personal preferences (women as eye-candy and mostly treated as objects, goals, prizes, etc. and as though they are wholly different creatures from men somehow), but I can’t say if that’s just your writing style, if that was the vibe that was meant to be given in this chapter, specifically. All the server types were ‘bar wenches’ or ‘barsmaids,’ the proprietor was specifically written surrounded by ladytypes, and also he apparently wanted to bang Aeliana, and that chick apparently changes moods from like minute to minute -- especially for someone Dio considers ‘emotionless’ in the chapter (if you genuinely mean to make her seem more reserved, you might want to go back and read all the wild blushing, getting angry, then tearing up, then laughing happily, then soulfully singing praises, then tearing up again, then getting embarrassed, then drunkenly slurring suggestive things that occurs with her throughout the chapter).
I digress! My point is that it’s on the opposite end of the spectrum from what I read or write, myself, so it’s hard to not get hung up on those details (so bear with me!). From a personal writing and character-focused perspective, Dio is intriguing -- a bit hyper-masculine for me, but unlike Aeliana, his mood and personality seems to stay very consistent throughout the chapter -- curt, a bit surly, racist, and very fond of his axe. I really enjoyed the back-and-forth between Irving and Dio -- their interactions (angry asshole versus greasy asshole) are more my speed, honestly, and I especially enjoyed the way you presented Dio’s belief that Irving just wanted to get in Aeliana’s pants. A+
On the whole, I’d say I love your writing...style, and the rhythm of your writing here, but it has a bit too much a flavor of Man Fantasy with the women all over, the ‘you saved me, I shall call you My Lord and love you long time’ subplot happening with Dio and Aeliana, and the ‘oohh are they having sex -- oh, nope, just setting an arm!’ little bit in the beginning. I’m considering reading more of your stuff just to see what other kinds of things you’ve done. /strokes chin
Since most of my whines and gripes are personal opinion and/or preferences, I took a single point off for Aeliana's wild emotions and mood swings across the chapter despite her being described as someone who is usually 'devoid of emotion'. Otherwise, ENJOY ALL THE POINTS. TAKE THEM. TAKE THEM ALLlllll /landslide of points
To New Friends (5451) - 544/545
