Ketch +150 bonus Cold: 107
Well, that was a great beginning to the chapter. It set up the scenery and atmosphere nicely. Haha. The appearance of wintergreen gum really feels out of place. I don't know if it is, but it just feels that way. A well-paced chapter. So, are you going to be writing more of PT? That would be good. Go forth and collab.
Beginning
It's another solid chapter. I'm just here, struggling to keep up with all of the characters and their relations. Don't mind me. But the writing is solid and the conversation over the phone well phone. There's tension and anger in there.
There's a lot of great things in this collab. That's it, that's all I have to say. From start to finish, this serves as a perfect affirmation of the growing bond between Ignis and Deni, an excellent epilogue for the pair to the events of the PMs, and manages to work in backstory and character development in a natural way. The chemistry between the characters is actually somewhat surprising.
However, at the end, I can't think of a reason the waiter would be so willing to help them after admitting that they had lied and might be involved in shady business.
+150 Faction
A Celebratory Date (5715) 285/286
Kago - 132/133 + 150 Faction
Well, that escalated quickly.
Sorry, not much more to say here. It was a good break away from the expected rhythm that the story appeared to be falling into, and the transition was handled well. I also appreciate that you're balancing showing the struggle but not forcing Dio to give in completely.
One typo jumped out -- "her apparently pleas" -- but nothing major.
Sorry folks. No in-dept critiques this week. Real life snuck up on me these last few days.
Val Library 220/222 Date 285/286
Why do I not trust Vaf?
Oh. He’s working with Deni. That’s why. But, no. In all seriousness I’m interested to see where this all goes. Most of your errors were minor first occurrences in this collab, and varied enough that I didn’t think they were being done intentionally.
The date with Ignis was somewhat adorable, and we even got a bit more of their backstory (which was nice). Feel like it slipped towards the end there, with Ignis giving away that at least Deni’s given name wasn’t real, and by extension her’s might not be as well.
Thana Library 215/222
Fi’s sarcasm just won’t stop, will it. Her lack of surprise at Vaf pulling back the curtain on her lying kind of irked me from a writer’s perspective. Aside from that, I found errors with capitalization. Mainly with identifying proper nouns and beginning sentences as dialogue. You also seem to be using commas where periods would be appropriate in a few cases.
