Dys - 490/497 + 150 Faction
Haha. Ran to the Sea of Occidens, eh? The trip from Terminus to Avelyn is seven to ten days by foot caravan. Even if Harper runs to the closer inlet, that's still 3-5 days of travel. It would also take longer than roughly three days to cross the ocean. If you reference the trip again, you should probably pad it out to at least two weeks total: 4-5 days on the run from the guards and the rest spent in the ocean.
That detail aside, I loved these chapters. The idea of a spurii's mixed heritage being such a hindrance hadn't occurred to me, and I like how you described the trip through the ocean, being pulled by the waves and currents. The not-so-pretty eating was also described well. The pain of the transition from underwater to back on land was great, as well. Before all that, the fact that being a wanted person actually made life hard for Harper was an appreciated detail, when most of the bounties seem to be ignored. I spotted a few small errors that looked like you had started to write one thing, then went with another. Not so much typos as leftovers.
There were similar small errors in some of your turns in the Money Speaks collab. I unfortunately don't have a lot to say about this one. 'Val' rearing her head again helped maintain some consistency, but I like that the persona didn't take over. Ignis and Deni still have good chemistry together.
+150 Faction
Money Speaks (1150) 112/115
Tides (3820) 378/382
Kago - 574/577 + 150 Faction
Pieces are falling into place, but nowhere that I expected them. I'm unclear on why Sorena would care enough to watch Dio for four years, although it seems she's also been busy building up her little empire of sorts. I hate that I have so little to say on a long chapter. It was good, and the twists and turns kept it lively throughout. I do have a personal aversion for the "I could kill you now, but I won't because I want to do something worse" scenario, though. If it had been more of a standoff, I could buy it, but with The Baron and his cohorts both dead to rights, it's hard to justify them walking out alive, despite the obvious bad blood between him and Sorena.
The follow-up meeting felt like it was full of bluster on both sides. It might be fitting for both characters, but it's actually pretty cringe-inducing to read two people trading empty threats and boasts back and forth. I guess it's a feeling that the ones who are actually threatening don't usually have to tell you how threatening they are. That aside, the actual plan seems both logical and poorly advised. It should hopefully lead to good times, though.
+150 Faction
Actum Tempus (4324) 430/432
The Gambit (2885) 144/145
Minj - 85/107
Lots of small errors throughout the chapter. It's clear that you didn't proofread it before posting. A small one is to avoid writing with chat emotes like
*gasp*. One of the repeating errors is that your dialogue punctuation is off. I can tell that you wrote this in Word, because it still has Word's "smart quotes" in it, so that explains part of the problem. Word, unfortunately, auto-corrects dialogue punctuation incorrectly when you are transitioning from questions and exclamations.
For example, see the bolded part below:
“So where are we going exactly today?” The redhead asked thrusting her arms and legs awkwardly in the water.
Should be:
"So where are we going, exactly, today?" the redhead asked, thrusting her arms and legs awkwardly in the water.
Other errors were a combination of typos, other punctuation issues and so forth, but I think those are negligence. You'll see them if you proofread.
As for the actual content of the chapter, it was interesting. I read Dys' chapter first, so this is the second piece I've read tonight with a spurii learning to breathe underwater. Both were handled differently, but both did a good job of capturing the somewhat jarring nature of transitioning from lungs to gills. I will note: if this ruin is meant to be older than five hundred years or so, caelitium wouldn't be featured in it. Terra Regia was discovered after the Cataclysm. Also caelitium is one of the rarest materials in the world, don't be tossing it around casually.
Not a lot has happened, yet, so I can't comment on the plot itself. I would have liked more context on where they were, what the plan was, and so forth, but it's still a good intro to a promising story.
A Fond Memory (1072) 85/107
It's a little confusing to me how no one can piece together that Kincaid was part of the jailbreak. Masks and codenames aside, Kincaid acts like Kincaid. I don't actually have a lot to say about the collab. It was well-written, a good establishment piece for the guild's founding, with few technical errors.
Money Speaks (2431) 240/243
