Reviewed [Lr] Week 332: Hazard Pay - Feedback
- Thread starter Beaks
- Start date
Dojat
Mister Mayor
Hi there!
First time reading through any of your writing, and I have to say this was really well done. I feel like I have a decent grasp on Chase as a character after only reading this chapter, and I want to see how they get themself out of this mess. I'd like to know more about this inciting incident with Erasmus, and more exposition toward the Sharpes family, but I can assume that's gonna be delivered at one point or another.
Charlotte/Charlie/Charming Charlie is a very interesting character and you did an excellent job of painting her out as completely terrifying and by-the-books professional. Lupanar is probably one of my favorite settings in Araevis, and I'm excited to see more writing take place there.
Cribbage is, first of all, a great name for a familiar, and I also appreciate how it plays a part as almost a more objective and less nervous version of Chase's own thoughts at times.
Overall really well written, and I hope to see more!
First time reading through any of your writing, and I have to say this was really well done. I feel like I have a decent grasp on Chase as a character after only reading this chapter, and I want to see how they get themself out of this mess. I'd like to know more about this inciting incident with Erasmus, and more exposition toward the Sharpes family, but I can assume that's gonna be delivered at one point or another.
Charlotte/Charlie/Charming Charlie is a very interesting character and you did an excellent job of painting her out as completely terrifying and by-the-books professional. Lupanar is probably one of my favorite settings in Araevis, and I'm excited to see more writing take place there.
Cribbage is, first of all, a great name for a familiar, and I also appreciate how it plays a part as almost a more objective and less nervous version of Chase's own thoughts at times.
Overall really well written, and I hope to see more!
Beaks
Wacky Woohoo Pizza Sadness Man
I appreciate the feedback, and will do my best to keep the spirit of the Lupanar in mind when I use it in the future. The Sharpe incident is detailed in my first chapter, Event Cascade.
Adding to what Dojat said, I'm enjoying some of the smaller details that cropped up in this chapter. The subtle nod to Chase's uncertain gender early in is, I think, the first time it has turned up in the chapters themselves, outside of the application. It's rather curious that Cribbage seemed to encourage them to speak up about it, too; usually Cribbage is the voice of reason but here, they were pushing for a more dangerous course. Considering the bond of contractor and familiar, it seems like a hint at just how much the small encounter may have affected Chase, whether they showed it or not.
The ritual in the Hog was an interesting one, and I really like the concept for Charlotte. I'm hoping something comes up to keep her part of the narrative sometime in the future. However, I do have to ask: is the ritual necessary when they clearly had an existing relationship? Code phrases are for verifying people you don't know. A small fix might be to have the pamphlet girl lead Chase to the room, only for Charlotte to arrive afterward, rather than having them be one and the same.
Auritium wouldn't be too out of line in the Ruby Jewel, assuming that's what's being referred to. However, if the metalworker isn't cut out to be getting shipments of auritium, it could be they aren't cut out to be operating a business in one of the Jewels, and if someone wants them gone because of that, that would go a long way to explaining why someone is paying for criminals to seize the assets and find the source. Which may be what you had in mind, but if not, maybe it'll give a few possible details to work in. I know there's still one chapter posted that I haven't read, yet, though, so I may be getting ahead of myself.
The ritual in the Hog was an interesting one, and I really like the concept for Charlotte. I'm hoping something comes up to keep her part of the narrative sometime in the future. However, I do have to ask: is the ritual necessary when they clearly had an existing relationship? Code phrases are for verifying people you don't know. A small fix might be to have the pamphlet girl lead Chase to the room, only for Charlotte to arrive afterward, rather than having them be one and the same.
Auritium wouldn't be too out of line in the Ruby Jewel, assuming that's what's being referred to. However, if the metalworker isn't cut out to be getting shipments of auritium, it could be they aren't cut out to be operating a business in one of the Jewels, and if someone wants them gone because of that, that would go a long way to explaining why someone is paying for criminals to seize the assets and find the source. Which may be what you had in mind, but if not, maybe it'll give a few possible details to work in. I know there's still one chapter posted that I haven't read, yet, though, so I may be getting ahead of myself.