Reviewed [Oc] Week 260: The Thief, The Statues and the Emperor - Feedback

  • Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,692
21
38
33
Latens
1,856✦
Exa
⏆902
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium
102⌯
Bigatium
54⍨
Auritium
5⍫
Vitatium
15⌭
Caelitium
0⌬
I must have read this three times before now, and each time I get called away before I can write my thoughts.

Seeing the writing in first-person was a surprise but it works well, especially given that you're keeping the narrator a secret. I know I was fairly vague when I gave you the prompt for this chapter, and I'm glad to see how creative you went with it. It helps me turn the vague sketches of part of one plot into clean lines in my head, also.

One disappointment, though, is that you set up the client as this incredible, otherworldly being, but our narrator is barely flustered or surprised at all. Even assuming he's experienced such things before, that should make him more wary, not less. If someone's pointing a magnum at you, knowing how much damage that magnum can do to you should keep you on edge, nervous, and wary, even if a person who knows less about guns is in full panic mode. Bravado has its place, but in a first-person scenario, we should be seeing that edge of fear from the narrator, even if he's bluffing and consciously holding back on his outward reaction.

I like what you've done here overall, though, and the difference in style is somewhat refreshing. It probably won't be until the Geamhess reaches the palace that I'll give you the prompt for the follow-up, if you're interested in continuing.
 

Patreon

Writing Week is 270

Discord Chat

Current Date in Araevis