Vita Dominus
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Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for [PC] Week 280: The Fracture: The Amber Forest III by Vita Dominus.
Reviewed [PC] Week 280: The Fracture: The Amber Forest III - Feedback
- Thread starter Vita Dominus
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This chapter reads like a rough draft and could have done with some revisions. I'm not going to bring out a red pen or anything, I know you're cranking out this chapter in a relatively short gap between work assignments. I'm just glad to see more writing from you.
One critique I do have is that this isn't presented like a story. It's a series of short bios and shorter fates befalling each individual, and while they were all intriguing, I think this might have benefited from a different framework. Specifically, I think presenting it as Albinon actually speaking to Vita would have been perfect. It would have let you give exposition while also, through his phrasing or body language, conveying Albinon's state of mind.
Vita remains a curious and intriguing character, but unfortunately we only got a little bit of him in here. Looking forward to seeing more, when time allows.
One critique I do have is that this isn't presented like a story. It's a series of short bios and shorter fates befalling each individual, and while they were all intriguing, I think this might have benefited from a different framework. Specifically, I think presenting it as Albinon actually speaking to Vita would have been perfect. It would have let you give exposition while also, through his phrasing or body language, conveying Albinon's state of mind.
Vita remains a curious and intriguing character, but unfortunately we only got a little bit of him in here. Looking forward to seeing more, when time allows.
I can only echo what Will's saying and also add that inserting the descriptions of the characters often works better when those descriptions are distributed throughout the chapter, rather than all clumped into one paragraph. I also concur with Will's advice on showing through action, rather than telling.
From my own experiences as a writer here, I can also add that making sure your main character is front and center is important. I have too often drifted off on tangents and let NPCs dictate action, rather than making sure my main character is central. I guess what I'm saying is this, "Don't create too many NPCs or they'll take over!" I have to practice what I preach now.
From my own experiences as a writer here, I can also add that making sure your main character is front and center is important. I have too often drifted off on tangents and let NPCs dictate action, rather than making sure my main character is central. I guess what I'm saying is this, "Don't create too many NPCs or they'll take over!" I have to practice what I preach now.