Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for [Short Story] Week 393: The Prince or the Pauper by Redfin.
Reviewed [Short Story] Week 393: The Prince or the Pauper - Feedback
- Thread starter Redfin
- Start date
First off, I want to say that I enjoyed the way that you set up the story, Fin. Having the exchange between Maclos and the janitor worked nicely as a storytelling medium. It engages the reader quickly and draws them into the story.
I also do enjoy the overall “storytelling” feel of how things unfold. It’s a bit like a fairytale or folktale unfolding, but it also has more life because of the dialogue and the character interactions. I think that you were smart to let the twist wait because it made the reveal more satisfying.
Llan/Nikto is a sympathetic character with principles and Jhori is a truly vile man. Oh Charo! I liked him too. I enjoy the way you characterized them and I also found myself really liking Geraldine. I would say a few of the other characters are a bit flat, but as they matter less it is no big deal.
I was also definitely a fan of your plotting and all the intrigue and double-dealing. As you know, I am a sucker for that stuff and you did an excellent job at laying it out. I kept reading to see what twist or turn would happen next.
I also feel like you did a pretty good job of not too much telling. You showed how the characters reacted through gesture and dialogue as opposed to exposition.
As for quibbles, there were a few minor misspellings/errors but nothing much to worry over. I do feel that there was some detail lacking in terms of drawing imagery but maybe it was a stylistic thing? I guess that I felt the world could’ve been a little richer overall. The one thing you always get right is food descriptions, I will most assuredly say that.
I also do enjoy the overall “storytelling” feel of how things unfold. It’s a bit like a fairytale or folktale unfolding, but it also has more life because of the dialogue and the character interactions. I think that you were smart to let the twist wait because it made the reveal more satisfying.
Llan/Nikto is a sympathetic character with principles and Jhori is a truly vile man. Oh Charo! I liked him too. I enjoy the way you characterized them and I also found myself really liking Geraldine. I would say a few of the other characters are a bit flat, but as they matter less it is no big deal.
I was also definitely a fan of your plotting and all the intrigue and double-dealing. As you know, I am a sucker for that stuff and you did an excellent job at laying it out. I kept reading to see what twist or turn would happen next.
I also feel like you did a pretty good job of not too much telling. You showed how the characters reacted through gesture and dialogue as opposed to exposition.
As for quibbles, there were a few minor misspellings/errors but nothing much to worry over. I do feel that there was some detail lacking in terms of drawing imagery but maybe it was a stylistic thing? I guess that I felt the world could’ve been a little richer overall. The one thing you always get right is food descriptions, I will most assuredly say that.
This really didn't grab me. Blame it on me holding you on a pedestal, but I typically expect really unique, quirky ideas or new takes on classic themes. However, while there was one twist near the end, it didn't feel like it was set up appropriately for a strong payoff. It also felt like... you just got tired of writing the story and decided to wrap it all up in a hurry.
I could sort of see that happening if the janitor ended up admitting he was making it all up and ran out of ideas (after he already had his meal and dessert), but instead you played it straight.
What we end up with is a pretty basic framing device of an old man telling a story, and it's a story most of us know, The Prince and the Pauper. While one of the eponymous pair is killed off, so it's less of a fish-out-of-water story and more murder-intrigue, what follows doesn't do much with that twist on the premise. I think one complaint I have is that it never seems like the prince is actually facing a dilemma. Things just sort of fall in line, and then it's revealed that everything was completely under control the whole time.
Without a lesson to be learned, an adventure to be had, or hijinks to ensue, the tale just doesn't work for me.
I could sort of see that happening if the janitor ended up admitting he was making it all up and ran out of ideas (after he already had his meal and dessert), but instead you played it straight.
What we end up with is a pretty basic framing device of an old man telling a story, and it's a story most of us know, The Prince and the Pauper. While one of the eponymous pair is killed off, so it's less of a fish-out-of-water story and more murder-intrigue, what follows doesn't do much with that twist on the premise. I think one complaint I have is that it never seems like the prince is actually facing a dilemma. Things just sort of fall in line, and then it's revealed that everything was completely under control the whole time.
Without a lesson to be learned, an adventure to be had, or hijinks to ensue, the tale just doesn't work for me.