Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for [Short Story] Week 398: The Peaks Above by Redfin.
Reviewed [Short Story] Week 398: The Peaks Above - Feedback
- Thread starter Redfin
- Start date
Here are my two cents on the story, Fin. It is definitely a stronger story overall than your first one here on PT. I enjoyed that one too, but it's clear this is the one for which you had passion. I could feel you were more invested in your characters and there was genuine emotion between characters. I was also quite drawn to the concepts in the story in terms of how precisely the vultures came about and how Habalhaba and the viilagers reacted to them.
I think that Spuri was my favourite character, but I may be biased! Father Halen was a unique mix and I was drawn to how his character took a dark turn, despite him wanting to do good. The way the little party interacted was also good. I could feel them collaborating and it was a jolt when everyone broke with one another. I was also very touched by the relationship that Kortkort had with Spuri. It felt like there was genuine caring there and you conveyed it well.
The mystery and the darkness were another aspect I was into. I like the way you described what was going on and the more gruesome or twisted aspects were nicely done. It added to my desire to find out what happened and when things turned, it was wrenching to see how characters had altered. Overall I think that part of the tale was good.
You certainly did better in terms of description than the last story. There is much more depth overall. I still think a little more wouldn't go amiss but part of it may just be your style, I also felt that sometimes the dialogue was a bit sparse, but it certainly did the work it had to do.
As a whole, I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hopefully one day I will read another from you set on Araevis!
I think that Spuri was my favourite character, but I may be biased! Father Halen was a unique mix and I was drawn to how his character took a dark turn, despite him wanting to do good. The way the little party interacted was also good. I could feel them collaborating and it was a jolt when everyone broke with one another. I was also very touched by the relationship that Kortkort had with Spuri. It felt like there was genuine caring there and you conveyed it well.
The mystery and the darkness were another aspect I was into. I like the way you described what was going on and the more gruesome or twisted aspects were nicely done. It added to my desire to find out what happened and when things turned, it was wrenching to see how characters had altered. Overall I think that part of the tale was good.
You certainly did better in terms of description than the last story. There is much more depth overall. I still think a little more wouldn't go amiss but part of it may just be your style, I also felt that sometimes the dialogue was a bit sparse, but it certainly did the work it had to do.
As a whole, I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hopefully one day I will read another from you set on Araevis!
Two 20k stories barely a month apart. As someone who has barely written a tenth of that recently, take my thoughts with a grain of salt!
This is more what I expect from you: the unexpected. This whole scenario had the vibe of Cthulhu Mythos style mystery and horror. There was a sprinkling of the silliness I'd expect -- a spurii named Spuri, for example -- but overall the story kept a steady sense of overarching dread and uncertainty.
The one above seemed a little too forthcoming for this kind of story, though. As soon as they appeared, it seemed ready and eager to spill all the details, and was shockingly obliging toward these lesser beings, opting to just go ahead and leave, acquiescing to Marston's company.
Reading so much in such a relatively short time, I'm beginning to put my finger on something in your writing that is holding it back: it's stiff. I feel like it wasn't before, certainly not when writing Hotate. It could be that, like me, you're having trouble finding inspiration, but unlike me, you're managing to write your way through that. To get an idea of what I mean, though, your paragraphs are very matter-of-fact. "This happened. It made Spuri feel this way. It was uncomfortable." This has a strong vibe of telling rather than showing. There needs to be flow, variety, depth. Showmanship.
There are places where it's clear you're trying to do that. The moment when it pauses Kortkort's words to switch to a simultaneous scene revealing the reality of what he's about to reveal verbally, that was a fantastic transition idea. However, I would challenge you to lean more into that, not just creative framing of scenes but greater variety in the sentences themselves.
Looking forward to seeing more like this (or unlike this).
This is more what I expect from you: the unexpected. This whole scenario had the vibe of Cthulhu Mythos style mystery and horror. There was a sprinkling of the silliness I'd expect -- a spurii named Spuri, for example -- but overall the story kept a steady sense of overarching dread and uncertainty.
The one above seemed a little too forthcoming for this kind of story, though. As soon as they appeared, it seemed ready and eager to spill all the details, and was shockingly obliging toward these lesser beings, opting to just go ahead and leave, acquiescing to Marston's company.
Reading so much in such a relatively short time, I'm beginning to put my finger on something in your writing that is holding it back: it's stiff. I feel like it wasn't before, certainly not when writing Hotate. It could be that, like me, you're having trouble finding inspiration, but unlike me, you're managing to write your way through that. To get an idea of what I mean, though, your paragraphs are very matter-of-fact. "This happened. It made Spuri feel this way. It was uncomfortable." This has a strong vibe of telling rather than showing. There needs to be flow, variety, depth. Showmanship.
There are places where it's clear you're trying to do that. The moment when it pauses Kortkort's words to switch to a simultaneous scene revealing the reality of what he's about to reveal verbally, that was a fantastic transition idea. However, I would challenge you to lean more into that, not just creative framing of scenes but greater variety in the sentences themselves.
Looking forward to seeing more like this (or unlike this).