Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for [Short Story] Week 453: Liminal Terminal by Redfin.
Reviewed [Short Story] Week 453: Liminal Terminal - Feedback
- Thread starter Redfin
- Start date
Before I had a chance to post these, this popped up. I'd say it's good timing, since it allows me to go into the story with my previous critique in mind. I'm going to use one of your early descriptions as an example.
This, I would say, is about halfway there, but it still reads like you're going down a list. There's a number of ways to get across the same vibe while drawing out depth using metaphors in addition to similes and literalism.
Having now finished the story, I can see where there are moments that reach for that sort of spark, but most of it has that very matter-of-fact tone, running down a list of things that are happening. It reads like a synopsis for the story. I'm not recommending to go 100% purple prose, but for a fictional story you want to rely less on expository writing and make the writing more active. Don't tell me something happened, make it happen!
This was a unique piece of writing, though, and again referencing my previous feedback, I love seeing that side of your writing. It feels like you're experimenting with a lot of different things and I am left wondering which elements you'll incorporate into your own style. Not all experiments are successful, of course, and the one thing that didn't add much to this story was the passenger's... non-presence. I think this could have worked from a first-person perspective or even second-person, but in the third-person it leads to awkwardness where you have to describe doing things but you can't give the character's emotional response, can't describe what physical impact the events are having, and that makes it difficult for the reader to connect with that character. The intent, I assume, was to add an air of mystery and let the reader assume some details, but due to the outside perspective, I felt like the passenger was a mannequin, not a blank slate I could imprint on.
Something that I've seen recurring in these three short stories is something I think I remember critiquing before, but it might have been for someone else: that being, characters rarely solve their own problems. Nikto went along with things until he could convince Charo (with no difficulty) to get him help; the main dilemma didn't even need to be solved, it fell into place by chance before the story began. Maclas didn't even have to search for his storyteller, the storyteller came to him. The Antians had an adventurer pop up right when they needed one, got a ride through the desert, and got saved by Kortkort and the one above. In this story, the passenger has bystanders make the snare, Omi leads the way for the second task until the demvir musician gives the answer away, he wanders until the painting he needs appears, and the final challenge comes to him. A story needs to have conflict, characters need to fail and struggle before they succeed, and even something taking more of a fable track needs to express a lesson or purpose.
This, I would say, is about halfway there, but it still reads like you're going down a list. There's a number of ways to get across the same vibe while drawing out depth using metaphors in addition to similes and literalism.
Having now finished the story, I can see where there are moments that reach for that sort of spark, but most of it has that very matter-of-fact tone, running down a list of things that are happening. It reads like a synopsis for the story. I'm not recommending to go 100% purple prose, but for a fictional story you want to rely less on expository writing and make the writing more active. Don't tell me something happened, make it happen!
This was a unique piece of writing, though, and again referencing my previous feedback, I love seeing that side of your writing. It feels like you're experimenting with a lot of different things and I am left wondering which elements you'll incorporate into your own style. Not all experiments are successful, of course, and the one thing that didn't add much to this story was the passenger's... non-presence. I think this could have worked from a first-person perspective or even second-person, but in the third-person it leads to awkwardness where you have to describe doing things but you can't give the character's emotional response, can't describe what physical impact the events are having, and that makes it difficult for the reader to connect with that character. The intent, I assume, was to add an air of mystery and let the reader assume some details, but due to the outside perspective, I felt like the passenger was a mannequin, not a blank slate I could imprint on.
Something that I've seen recurring in these three short stories is something I think I remember critiquing before, but it might have been for someone else: that being, characters rarely solve their own problems. Nikto went along with things until he could convince Charo (with no difficulty) to get him help; the main dilemma didn't even need to be solved, it fell into place by chance before the story began. Maclas didn't even have to search for his storyteller, the storyteller came to him. The Antians had an adventurer pop up right when they needed one, got a ride through the desert, and got saved by Kortkort and the one above. In this story, the passenger has bystanders make the snare, Omi leads the way for the second task until the demvir musician gives the answer away, he wanders until the painting he needs appears, and the final challenge comes to him. A story needs to have conflict, characters need to fail and struggle before they succeed, and even something taking more of a fable track needs to express a lesson or purpose.