Reviewed Week 197: The Fracture: One Last Thing - Feedback
- Thread starter broodboy
- Start date
So the good stuff first of all! I really enjoy the in depth explanation of all of the steps involved in the crafting process. It was written in a way that actually made me feel excited and interested to see what would happen next. I also really like how you are building Vita's sense of excitement into things. It really makes me want to continue to see how his experiences unfold. I have been officially sucked into the world you're creating for Vita. 
I will reiterate that proofreading is your friend! There are lots of small errors that would easily be caught if you just gave things a second careful reading. I will say, however, that this chapter was better than the first one of yours that I read.
I'll just point out a few of the small errors that you made which I figure can easily be remedied. The first thing I noticed was that you have quite a few run-on sentences like this, "He had the delivery of various items rushed which cost him more than he was happy to part with but time was critical if he wanted to leave Cursus in a timely manner to meet Professor Albinon in the Autumn Forest." Instead if you put a comma in like this, "He had the delivery of various items rushed which cost him more than he was happy to part with, but time was critical if he wanted to leave Cursus in a timely manner to meet Professor Albinon in the Autumn Forest" it flows better and adds a pause in the proceedings.
I also spotted a number of places like this, "Like a boy with a new toy the enchanter excitedly locked his store door closed the blinds and retired to the back so he would not be disturbed" where adding a comma after "Like a boy with a new toy" would help the flow.
There is also the section where you list each thing Vita ordered in a separate sentence. All that does is just create a bunch of sentence fragments. I would recommend doing it like this, "There was parchment made from a special tree with a predisposition to absorb mana, leather tanned under the heat of a magical fire and bleached with solvent and, lastly, squid ink from the deeper parts of the Copiae Ocean."
Otherwise I am digging the direction you're doing with Vita and your plot. Keep up the good work!
I will reiterate that proofreading is your friend! There are lots of small errors that would easily be caught if you just gave things a second careful reading. I will say, however, that this chapter was better than the first one of yours that I read.
I'll just point out a few of the small errors that you made which I figure can easily be remedied. The first thing I noticed was that you have quite a few run-on sentences like this, "He had the delivery of various items rushed which cost him more than he was happy to part with but time was critical if he wanted to leave Cursus in a timely manner to meet Professor Albinon in the Autumn Forest." Instead if you put a comma in like this, "He had the delivery of various items rushed which cost him more than he was happy to part with, but time was critical if he wanted to leave Cursus in a timely manner to meet Professor Albinon in the Autumn Forest" it flows better and adds a pause in the proceedings.
I also spotted a number of places like this, "Like a boy with a new toy the enchanter excitedly locked his store door closed the blinds and retired to the back so he would not be disturbed" where adding a comma after "Like a boy with a new toy" would help the flow.
There is also the section where you list each thing Vita ordered in a separate sentence. All that does is just create a bunch of sentence fragments. I would recommend doing it like this, "There was parchment made from a special tree with a predisposition to absorb mana, leather tanned under the heat of a magical fire and bleached with solvent and, lastly, squid ink from the deeper parts of the Copiae Ocean."
Otherwise I am digging the direction you're doing with Vita and your plot. Keep up the good work!