Reviewed Week 251: Reintroductions - Feedback

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Redfin

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This was a fun chapter with lots of cute interactions between the characters. While I don't know Micali and her friends well, this chapter did a lot to establish them. And I came in at an interesting time when Micali is trying to reinvent herself. It's done well. I could get a sense of how distant she was before despite living with those people for a while.

Her slowly making friends over the course of the card game was cute. I have no idea how practical that card game is, but I enjoyed it as a thing in the world that people do for fun.

I enjoyed the slow pace of the chapter with characters hanging out being themselves and sort of riffing. The two parts felt different but both were important to drawing Micali out more. It was a good get to know the character chapter.



One grammatical issue I should point out is how to do spoken dialogue in the middle of sentences. I'll take your paragraph here:

Paulo wasted no time in jotting down his answer as Magno let out a plea for “the stew! Please, Vis, the stew is so good and we have all the ingredients.” He turned to see his brother hold up his own answer - pie - and let out a mumbled “traitor…” as he turned to watch Micali, whose stomach rumbled at the realization that she’d forgotten to actually get a meal earlier.
When the spoken dialogue comes in the middle of a sentence, it should be capitalized because the spoken sentence is a new sentence. There should be a comma separating the spoken part from the prose part. So the paragraph above would be:

Paulo wasted no time in jotting down his answer as Magno let out a plea for,The stew! Please, Vis, the stew is so good and we have all the ingredients.” He turned to see his brother hold up his own answer - pie - and let out a mumbled,Traitor…” as he turned to watch Micali, whose stomach rumbled at the realization that she’d forgotten to actually get a meal earlier.
 

MoonlitRain014

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I will attempt a bit of feedback, but I'm terrible at the idea of being more critical. I am not someone who likes to dig into others' work and make comments that are negative or too critical. Mind you, the truth is that in the case of this chapter there's not much negativity that I can muster. I really am enjoying Micali's character, there's a lot of depth and complexity to her that's enjoyable to explore. Her interactions with the other characters are generally believable and again reflect her complex nature.

Bah! I am seriously trying to find something that I can pick apart, since I'm supposed to be more analytical with feedback but I am struggling with what that might be. I honestly just really enjoy the interactions between the characters. Maybe at times the dialogue is kind of jammed together and maybe there are the occasional lapses in showing vs. telling but in general I just think you write well, Doj.

I also struggle with some issues in my own writing and so feel that I might be a bit of a hypocrite to criticize others about their own. Anyhow I do look forward to seeing more of the interactions between Micali and Rosa especially. Keep up the good work!
 

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