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[O] Week 309: Blake Dows

Maldoron

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Name: Blake Dows

Contact Info: Maldoron

Age: 18

Physical stature: Blake is a tall individual of around 6'1. He has brownish-blonde hair that is cut short, two inches on the top and about a half inch on the sides and back. His muscular structure is lean but defined from heavy physical activity. He has a strong jaw line and his ears stick out. He has a small scar that traces his left eyebrow, from an injury in his youth. His eyes are a mixture of mainly green and blue, but they have a tendency to slightly change color. This color change occasionally includes the addition of small yellow flecks as well as the levels of blue and green changing. On some days his eyes will be mostly blue with fringes of green and vice versa. Oddly enough, his body and arms are always warm while his hands and feet are constantly cold. Blake is unsure why his body does this and has just accepted it as part of his physiology. Blake also has scars on his knuckles from an incident in his teens where he chose to punch a wall for martial arts training.

Persona: Blake is a talkative smart ass who always has something to say. Though he is intelligent, he is by no means a genius. He prefers the direct approach and will generally choose to think on the fly over planning his actions. As a result, he encounters failure as often as success. He is somewhat stubborn, but will generally learn from his failures and lives by trial and error. He has trouble connecting with people on a deep, emotional level but is very social in spite of this.

Biography: Blake remembers having a pretty regular childhood, but at the age of seven he was attacked by a hollow. While the event left him mostly unharmed, a few scratches and bruises, it did grave amounts of psychological damage. The trauma from this event caused Blake to suppress his spiritual senses as well as forgetting the incident even occurred. He was always good at anything he set his mind to, but never the best in the group. He was bullied throughout his elementary and middle school years, which led him to take up martial arts at the age of eleven. What he did not know was that many of the instances of bullying were caused by demi-hollows trying to get his attention. He instantly fell in love with the idea of martial arts, but since it came to him so easily he never practiced and therefore it took him much longer to learn. After six years of training, he received his black belt in karate. By this time, Blake loved to play any sports that were available, but his favorites were karate, fencing, and tennis. At the end of his senior year, he decided he would use the money he saved up over a few years to go study martial arts in Japan. This was not a particularly large sum and after plane fare and initial apartment costs, he was left with only enough money to get him by for two months or so.

Organization: Orpheus

Reiatsu: 1000

Combat: 400

Agility:300

Resistance: 300

Sample chapter:
“Hikōki ga chakuriku shita. Sore wa anata no shītoberuto o anzen ni torihazusu koto ga dekimasu. The plane has landed. It is now safe to remove your seat belts.”

Blake looked up and slowly took off his headphones. He was finally in Japan. After a fourteen hour plane ride, he could finally start his new life. Blake stood up and grabbed his backpack from underneath his seat, swinging it onto his back as he waited to get off the plane. He hated situations like this. Too many people, not enough room to move. It was like each person who bumped into him popped a bubble and Blake would let out a shiver as all his muscles would tense. He hated crowds.

After several minutes, Blake finally got out into the terminal of the Tokyo International Airport. He looked at the signs, searching for some indication of where to get his luggage. As he looked around in confusion, he realized he hadn't thought this through; all the signs were in Japanese and he was far from fluent.

Well, looks like I get to start my new life with a little bit of adventure!

With a smile on his face, Blake started off in a random direction. After half an hour or so, he found the luggage pick-up. The pictures on the signs helped a lot. He waited patiently till he saw his plain green military bag fall onto the lift. It was the same one his father had used during his time in the army. It was one of the only things he still had to remember his parents by, besides the knife in the bag and a picture in his wallet. He grabbed the bag and headed out the door.

“Now the real adventure starts doesn't it?” he said to himself as he walked into the bright night lights of Tokyo.

Blake had no clue where he was going or where his apartment was, but that didn’t matter to him. He was in awe. This was nothing like the small city he grew up in in North Carolina. There were so many lights, sounds, and smells that he just lost himself and started walking. After a few hours the exhaustion of the day started to get to him. He pulled out a paper that had the address of his apartment on it. He’d been smart enough to translate it but he still had no clue where Roppongi was. Blake stopped and looked around, he still couldn’t read any of the signs, but he saw what appeared to be a convenience store and hoped they could help him.

The door let a slight ding as he walked into the store. He walked up to the counter.

“Do you know how to get to Roppongi from here?” he asked. The man just gawked at him with a confused look.

“Right, you probably don’t speak English. Oh! I got it!” he said. Blake dug in his pockets and pulled out the crumpled sheet that had the address of his apartment on it in Japanese. He set the paper down on the counter. The clerk read it and seemed to understand what Blake needed. He walked to the door and just pointed down the street.

“Better than nothing I guess. Thanks for the help,” he said as he started to head in the direction the man had pointed. He walked for a while in that direction. He stopped a few more times to ask directions and they all gave him the same basic directions. Just keep heading down this road.

The streets started to clear out. Not as many people were around and the lights started going from signs to streetlights. He reached into the bag on his back and took out the knife and just slipped it into his pocket. This area made him feel uncomfortable and the knife always helped calm his nerves.

“The guy on the phone never said anything about the apartment being in the ghetto. I shoulda known he was trying to trick me. Three-hundred dollars a month for an apartment? What kind of crap is that?”

Suddenly, Blake heard a crash come from a nearby alley. As he approached the source of the disturbance, he saw four guys surrounding a kid probably no older than fifteen.

“Listen up, kid. You give us all your cash or my friend here will make your life quite unpleasant,” the man in the center of the group said in English.

“I swear, I don’t have any money,” the kid exclaimed frequently.

“Don’t lie to me!” the man yelled angrily.

Blake walked closer and came into view.

“He said he doesn’t have any money. Now leave him alone,” the American said in a menacing tone.

The man turned and looked at him with an unimpressed smirk, replying, “What are you going to do if we refuse, whitey?”

Blake dropped his bags onto the ground and with a cocky smile said, “Well, I guess I’d have to say that I’m gonna have to make you.”

Blake felt comfortable with his fighting abilities. He’d trained in karate for seven years before coming to Japan and knew what he could do to a human body. Though he never had a reason to fight outside of his sparring matches, he felt like he could handle a few untrained thugs.

The ringleader just looked at him still wearing that grin and said, “You? Beat us? You're either stupid or cocky. Either way, my boys here haven’t had a good fight in a while.”

He looked at the kid and sneered before saying, “Today’s your lucky day. Someone else has decided to take your place.”

The boy, seeing that he was free, sprinted away as fast as he could.

“Now, let’s get started. Get him!” the leader commanded.

Blake got ready as the first guy charged at him. To him, they seemed to be moving slow compared to his sparring partner. The first guy tried to throw a large hook, but Blake blocked it and landed a knee to his stomach in response. Blake turned just in time to see the second guy’s punch. He narrowly dodged it as he jumped back into a waiting punch from the third thug. Blake's vision went fuzzy as another punch connected to his stomach. He dropped back and blocked an uppercut and returned with an elbow to his chin. This was nothing like what he thought. They may have moved slower, but there were more of them. Another fist connected with his nose and he felt his eyes water as blood splattered all over the ground. He didn’t have time to think. He caught a punch by the wrist and broke the guys arm with a quick strike right at the elbow. He knew another punch would be coming, but he wasn’t fast enough and it hit him right across the temple and he collapsed to the ground. He immediately felt kicks and punches all over his body. He couldn’t do anything but take the shots. Blake was fading in and out of consciousness when he heard the leader yell, “Stop! That’s enough.”

Blake looked upwards as he saw the leader block out the sky.

“Heh. I guess you were just cocky," the leader said with a harsh chuckle. He motioned to the backpack and looked back at his goons.

"Grab his bag. We’re getting out of here.”

“What about Toshine’s arm?” the uninjured one asked as he jerked a thumb toward the cringing man.

“Forget about his arm, just grab the bag," he said without much concern. He turned back to Blake and spit at the ground near his face before ending with a derisive, "Later, whitey.”

The leader gave Blake one last kick to the gut as he walked out of the alley with his gang. Blake laid there unable to move. He didn’t know what just happened. He thought he should’ve been able to handle them. His vision started to blur as he lost consciousness.

From the shadows stepped a man. “Looks like I found our newest member." The man turned around and while walking back into the shadows said into his headpiece, "Get him back to the base."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hey Mal, Im CAD and, if you arent already working with someone on this, I'll be helping you with your application. Christmas stuff has me tied up at this moment but Ill be back here within the next 12 hours or so with some feedback on your app!

Edit 1: Let's take a look-see!

Name: Good

Contact Info: Maldoron - On AIM? by courier pidgeon? I'll assume AIM ;)

Age: Good

Physical stature: There's nothing directly wrong with how Blake looks but there are a few things to nit-pick. "He has brownish blonde hair that is cut short, when it grows out it becomes curly and impossible to maintain." You can either hyphenate 'brownish-blonde' or insert a comma, to separate the adjectives of his hair - 'brownish, blonde'.

"He has a strong jaw line and his ears stick out, when his hair is short." The comma is needed to separate. A decent rule of thumb on commas says you can use one, wherever the sentence can have its parts swapped. Ex. "When his hair is short, his ears stick out". More to the context, though, is Blake's hair going to be longer and shorter, often enough to point it out? Most people define their character's hair length and, generally, keep it that way. The detail about his ears pointing out is more important if his hair is going to stay short.

"He has a small scar that traces his left eyebrow, from an injury in his youth." Inserted a comma there, again.

"His eyes are a mixture of green and blue." Nothing wrong here, but you could find a way to expand on this, if you wanted to give a better visual. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with it but if you start describing more colorfully, now, it will grow in the rest of your writing.

"Oddly enough, his body and arms are always warm while his hands and feet are constantly cold." How is this important? I'm curious as to what exactly this neurological sympathetic reaction might be but I'm not sure people reading this will find it relevant. Are you actually using this to relay that he's constantly in 'fight or flight' mode?

Also, the description is entirely up to you but the more you describe your character, the better the reader can visualize him!

Persona:

"Though he is intelligent, he is by no means a genius." Moved the comma...you were on the right path for its use, though. ;)

"He is somewhat stubborn but will generally learn from his failures and lives by trial and error. He has trouble connecting with people on a deep, emotional level but is very social, in spite of this." Made some comma changes - see if you can tell where and why.

Biography: The background information you've laid out is fine but it's full of punctuation errors. Go through on your own and think about that rule of thumb. I'll point out what you miss, after an initial edit. Though it gives us an idea of Blake, on a basic level, we know what he's done but not what really sets him apart from other people - what's made him unique, what ties him into the 'Bleach' universe. Does he see ghosts/spirits? Does he have any powers or does anything happen to him that makes him different from regular humans?

"Oh, and he is still looking for a master to learn from." Big no-no, here. This isn't a conversation and, although you can experiment with a diary-like writing style someday, you need to treat it like a narrative. We generally use past-tense but, when describing your character, present tense is fine, too. You've also ended the sentence in a preposition. If you'd like to mention that he's looking for a master, rephrase and let the reader know what kind of master he is looking for and why.

Organization: Cool

Stats: All add up!


Alright hombre, there's you're starting point. I have to go do Christmasy things now so I'll be back soon! Make your initial edits and apply the same tips to the chapter. I'll check back in soon to cover the sample chapter.
 
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A quick note, we replaced Resistance with Fortitude. Also, you start with 1000 stats now. I believe you were here before, right? If you start with 1000 stats, that means a stat reset, and you would lose your previous stats.
 
Heya, just Rob here, filling in for Cad until he gets off his lazy ass.

I just wanted to let you know that you seem to have a bad case of what we'd like to call 'walls of text'. Try paragraphing your walls of text into something that doesn't shout, "tl;dr" to your readers, because that's essentially what's going to happen. Just as a bit of a headstart for you, here's an idea as to how you could paragraph:

Original said:
Blake is a tall individual of around 6'1. He has brownish-blonde hair that is cut short, two inches on the top and about a half inch on the sides and back. His muscular structure is lean but defined from heavy physical activity. He has a strong jaw line and his ears stick out. He has a small scar that traces his left eyebrow, from an injury in his youth. His eyes are a mixture of mainly green and blue, but they have a tendency to slightly change color. This color change occasionally includes the addition of small yellow flecks as well as the levels of blue and green changing. On some days his eyes will be mostly blue with fringes of green and vice versa. Oddly enough, his body and arms are always warm while his hands and feet are constantly cold. Blake is unsure why his body does this and has just accepted it as part of his physiology. Blake also has scars on his knuckles from an incident in his teens where he chose to punch a wall for martial arts training.


New said:
Blake is a tall individual of around 6'1. He has brownish-blonde hair that is cut short, two inches on the top and about a half inch on the sides and back. His muscular structure is lean but defined from heavy physical activity. He has a strong jaw line and his ears stick out. He has a small scar that traces his left eyebrow, from an injury in his youth.

His eyes are a mixture of mainly green and blue, but they have a tendency to slightly change color. This color change occasionally includes the addition of small yellow flecks as well as the levels of blue and green changing. On some days his eyes will be mostly blue with fringes of green and vice versa.

Oddly enough, his body and arms are always warm while his hands and feet are constantly cold. Blake is unsure why his body does this and has just accepted it as part of his physiology. Blake also has scars on his knuckles from an incident in his teens where he chose to punch a wall for martial arts training.

Etcetera. Basically, though, what I did here is paragraph the part where you talk about his eyes in quite a specific fashion from the rest of the text. Try applying the same kind of idea to the rest of your application. When you think something is 'new' in your texts, or 'different' from the rest of it, try a paragraph break.

Other than that, your writing is pretty solid.
 

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