Reviewed Week 370: Putting Plans In Motion - Feedback

[Laermont]

Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for Week 370: Putting Plans In Motion by Laermont.

 

[Inks]

SO I HAVE ACTUALLY READ THIS LIKE 3 TIMES - once ages ago, once for our collab, and then just now as a R E F R E S H E R. I gotta say, I appreciate how much writing and effort you've gone through with this big ol' Laermont plot. It's been GOING, and there's so many different little threads n' components to it that are hard to keep track of (I was talking with Ky about it earlier and he got 2 VILLAIN NAMES MIXED UP since they both 'M' names) but it's also very good YA KNOW?

I very much struggle to actually follow through with any deep plots, but it's good stuff. I'm definitely interested in the culmination of the Outside Ones' plot - AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I STUFFED LUX UP IN IT. Chapter-specific, this is a really good chapter for sort of outlining where everyone is right now, what the plans are, and where the plot is headed. Not too much happens - just talks, just discussions - but that's not really a bad thing! I feel like you shine in dialogue, and since this chap features A LOT OF JUST THAT, it reads pretty nicely.

As a bit of con-crit, be careful of too much 'passive voice' - especially packed in right at the start of your chapter, where you really wanna engage the reader and pull them in. You had a bunch of 'was' sentences back to back, and it can kind of make the writing feel dry and dull, ya know?

ALSO:

A nod of his head was Laermont’s only acknowledgment as he went on. “Just be aware of the fact that you’re under surveillance. I think Lux is the sort who won’t trust a soul. In his shoes, I probably would not feel inclined to be trusting either.”

IT TRUE. ALSO ALSO:

“How d’you know that the Impraevitas isn’t gonna feed back information to TorBru?”

Lux: wow rude
also Lux, like 5 mins into talking with laermont: 'man this would be easier if i just betrayed them....'