Grading Session for Week 09

[Apeiron]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Rob​

Tetsu
Shade
Lambo
Cheese
Freckles​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny​

Bob
Moon
Nell
Sparx​

[Be] Bellator - Will​

Dys
Raph
Kaze
Berri​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren​

Bunz
Sev
Puppet
Minj
Doc​

[Aq] Aquila - Hare​

Reshin
Vin
Val
Thana​

The Rotation for the month of October 2014 is:

[Se] -> [Oc] -> [Be] -> [Ca] -> [Aq] -> [Se]
​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin

​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 10/14/14.

 

[Apeiron]

My writing for the week:

Val
O.G. Yo 121/121

Ya’ done good, man. Looking forward to what other shenanigans Deni is going to get into when teaming up with Ai. Sorry there’s not much more to comment on, but your writing was smooth today.



Memento

 

[Redfin]

I think it is just Will for the week? Aye? Nay? Crème brûlée?

Will +100 faction bouns
Part 5, The Phantoms Strike Back: 155

Well, Keydis sure was in a bad mood this entire collab. She came, she brought down everyone's mood, she took a nap. Other stuff was happening all around, which made for a lively read. Well, if just setting off on the journey was so rough, the actual missions going to be a walk in the park if that adage about bad practices holds.

 

[Rob]

Ola, grades inbound.

Freckles - 901

Alright, so here's the deal: your writing is solid. There is one thing you do constantly, though, and that's a small error in your dialogue punctuation.

“Ehi, you, machine,” someone called in the direction of HAL, “you cannot get into here… What were the guards at the door thinking?”

Now, doesn't seem to be anything at fault right? Well, you're not wrong. The thing is though the word 'called' (along with words like 'said', or 'stated') is a word that places a definite ending to a sentence. As such, the sentence should have a period after HAL.

“Ehi, you, machine,” someone called in the direction of HAL. “You cannot get into here… What were the guards at the door thinking?”

“Come on, then,” the stern captain commanded, “give me that… are you waiting for a written invitation?” With just a quick look to the paper, the Avian grumbled under his breath, “Once, they would have never allowed machines and every terriculus to own a gun in here...”

Commanded is pretty definite.

As a general rule of thumb, use a comma to continue a sentence when you start off with 'she began' or 'he continued' and use a period for every other circumstance.

That said, your writing is solid and a plenty this week.

Zack - 230

Ola, look out for words like 'but' and 'however' etcetera, because they tend to require a comma when you start - or end - with them.

But as he went about his business, making sure his concoction hadn’t transformed into some horrible creature, no answer came.

Should be:

But, as he went about his business, making sure his concoction hadn’t transformed into some horrible creature, no answer came.

Another thing, velen, laicar, enlil, spurii are not proper nouns. You don't call a human a Human. You don't call a tiger a Tiger. Just because they are words that are unique to our world, doesn't mean they are proper nouns. As such, words like laicar, velen, enlil, spurii need not be capitalised.

Other than that, though, solid writing. Keep it up!

My piazza:
http://www.postterminus.com/showthread.php?454-Ca-Week-009-If-Looks-Could-Kill

 

[swaswj]

Where's all the writing?

Raph - 155/155

The crew of NPCs in this chapter had some nice interplay. It feels like they have a history together, rather than the readers just being told there is a history. Of course, part of that history is apparently swiping sandwiches. I liked how each of the characters, including Annora, had a different response to Keydis' foul mood. Annora's unexpected angry outburst was actually refreshing to see, adding a depth of humanity to her character.

You're getting better with the dialogue transitions. Since this was our collab, I did fix a few instances before it was posted (meaning they won't be held against this grade), but the majority of them were already done correctly.

+150 Faction

Terra Firma (3100) 155/155​

Dys - 000/000

Don't see anything this week. You still need to continue your story about rescuing the professor, and leaving Boreas for the first time.​

Kaze - 000/000

Don't see anything this week. Where is the tale of intrigue, ambition, and inexplicable friendship?​

Berri - 000/000

Don't see anything this week. Write, woman! Tell us about El's childhood, finding Felo; tell us about Pers' eccentricity!​

Rob - 110/116 + 11 Consec + 22 Grader

Well, it's always a little disappointing to see a unique trait discarded, but the blindness was kind of tangential to Rosa's character. It does make sense that Rosa would attempt to manipulate people to think she was blind, but the revelation just feels clumsy. Now, take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, because I'm known for having characters who know a lot, but... I find characters who inexplicably know everything without explanation to be grating.

There are effective ways to do it, of course, and part of a mystery is not knowing the answer. however, nothing you've written thus far leads me to believe we are ever going to find out why or how the Crow knows what he knows. Rosa just kind of accepts it, and so the reader seems expected to do.

It leads to some awkwardness in the dialogue between them. Crow has nothing to gain from the conversation because he establishes again and again that he knows what Rosa might say or do, while I like to see that Rosa expresses her dissatisfaction with that fact, it feels a little flat. Note that I'm not saying she should explode at him; it just feels like there should be tension mounting between them, but there isn't.

Looking forward to seeing more character-defining moments for Rosa, however.

If Looks Could Kill (1160) 110/116​

For my Grader (even though I'm already graded, again):

3,100 - Week 009 - Terra Firma, Phantoms pt V (Keydis, Annora) [Mission]
​

 

[Nargles]

Sorry for the really short grades work/life/illness/school has put me out of commission for a while.

Pup

Chapter [96/102]

There were some weird grammar issues here mixed with some fractured sentences. A reread would catch these so don't forget to proofread. I would like to see some additional description words when describing the characters in your chapters, I get a pretty good idea about their emotions and personalities, but there's very little on helping me picture them and the scene they're in.

Ozone [118/121]

There was a bit of an issue with repeating what Val just said in the turns you follow up in. Make sure that you don't accidentally reiterate too much of what just happened. Reflecting on it is fine, but really try working on building up from the groundwork your collab partner laid. Otherwise, while short, I was a pretty satisfying piece. You two have a good dynamic going on.

Finny [110/110]
The more I read, the more I really like your writing style and how you break up segments. It's really interesting and the dissonance it creates keeps me engaged. The first bit on bartending was actually pretty fun to read and in a way a bit informative. It's funducational right there. I kind of which this chapter was a bit longer because I think the second half was cut a bit shorter and didn't have as much time to develop. Though this writing style is super intriguing so keep it up.