Hare:
143/148 - Let's Make a Sword [2955]
Ah, and so again we see the attempt by Kincaid to use others to his own ends. It still comes across very forced, like you're trying very desperately to convince readers that Kincaid is all he's cracked up to be. I feel like you need to stop inserting these lines ("The story was completely made-up, but he had managed to be his usual charming self...") because they really only serve to try and tell the audience that Kincaid is charming, rather than demonstrating it as a character trait of his organically.
Overall, the collab stumbles to make headway at first, but the introduction of Perseus' workshop manages to bring things up to speed. As a side note, I'd really like to commend Berri's establishing of the workshop and how its state is reflective of Perseus' own personality and nature. Kincaid manages to be his usual aloof self for this, which I'm thankful for because it shows that you're willing to try and push hard to try and get the necessary image across.
What does suffer for it, is the character interactions. There's a very real sense of disconnect between Perseus and Kincaid, as though they're reacting to something not entirely presented from the previous round. There's this weird lack of reaction on Kincaid's part to a lot of what Perseus is saying; there's this brief moment where it looks like Kincaid is going to try and nick something of Perseus' but then he doesn't, and he spends the whole time of that short period not really dedicating any attention to Perseus or what he's saying beyond what's absolutely necessary.
I mentioned it with Cinder, but playing that wheel-and-deal kind of rogue, dazzling people with sleight of hand and then undercutting them while they're distracted; it requires that you make sure the character is acting 100% towards that goal at all times. The results should seem effortless, but the process is as much intensive as a regular old smash-and-grab. Try and take some time with your next couple pieces to slow things down for Kincaid; use those supposed skills and that supposed charm and really put them to use in an actual situation; it's honestly kinda disappointing that we only seem to hear about instances of them working outside of the reader's periphery.
Grif:
131/131 - Regret and Realization [1306]
This was a fun little chapter, though I was a bit starved for more by the end of it. I really want to draw attention to this first segment, because I think it's the first at-length introspection I've ever seen from you. It really stands out, and Cassius really shines here while the scene lasts. The small touch of the wooden ball (symbolic? I'm not sure but it was good imagery regardless) giving you an opportunity to have Cassius fidget was perfect.
There's a certain lack of establishing scenery in this, but the focus is on the character and not the environment, so what information you have is not only acceptable, but perhaps encouraged. Only give the reader what's relevant to the tone and pace of the chapter. I almost wanted this to go on for a bit longer, but the lack of real breadth of events and story to cover on Cassius' part limits you. I can only hope I see more of this in the future, with how well you manage to condense his emotions without underplaying them.
The transition with the horizontal rules felt awkward. I see no reason for them to be there, considering the transition works perfectly well without them there, and it's mildly jarring. The references to other characters are great touches, but I can't help but feel you were padding for space with the little "Lightbringer" cult. Perhaps some more time could've been spent with Cassius considering his studies and how his newfound problems would affect what had once been a rather ordinary (for the son of a barrister mage) life? I feel like Cassius is a wonderful average Joe plucked from his station and thrust into extraordinary circumstances, as he's forced to adapt to things he had never considered being a part of.
There's not much for me to suggest or pick on here, but I really would've liked a cursory exploration of who Cassius is, at his core. You've done marvelously getting at his core traits and reinforcing how they affect his mannerisms, but I'd like to see a moment or two of peeling away the laziness and the resigned bitterness, to really show us the qualities that drove him to act in spite of these traits in Cinder Mihi.
