Interesting collab with some pre-demon shenanigans. It was a nice intro to what I think is going to be at least a two-parter or even more. For your part, it was very well written as per usual. Amanita's haughtiness is pretty great as usual. I liked seeing her play a bit more of an active role in this collab. In the previous chapters she, notably, made everyone else do her work for her. A bit less so in this case.
As far the collab went, there was some odd disconnect moment's between you and Moon. There was a bit of an issue with repeating what just happened in the previous turn which messed up the flow somewhat. Otherwise, it was a short, sweet, and to the point.
Flame-woven [203/203]
God that demon was like reading freaking buzzard, upside down. Why did you do this to me Finny. Who hurt you.
Anyway, that aside, really nice chapter that I'm happy with how it ended. You kept that royal bitchiness of Amanita but actually showed a lot of vulnerability with her interactions with the demon. I really felt the chaos and confusion in the whole encounter with the way you wrote it which was fantastic. I'm curious to see if she's going to keep hunting after it or just end up accidentally running into it repeatedly.
I also really liked your descriptions on the minute details of how she moved as well as the guards reacted. The way of speaking of the demon and appearance also really played up the other-wordliness of it and I'm really glad it actually spoke in broken english, being a demon and all.
Moony The Rebel et al [142/147]
I'm not super familiar with your character in this collab so it took me a while to get a feel for him. Your writing as per usual was solid and I didn't find many grammar mistakes which was great. I think you played a bit of a supporting role in this collab, which is super fine, but I think there was a small issue with your character's personality kind of being eclipsed by the bombasticness of Amanita. That's not super odd, but I kind of wish there was a bit more initiative on your character's party to really have a shining moment for their personality.
Otherwise, the same things I mentioned above to Finny about the pacing apply here.
Will Furari Laute [193/193]
Between this and the collab with Dominic recruiting Kincaid over drinks in a bar, I'm starting to feel like there's a pattern in Kincaid's business strategy.
Naev's really fun to read. He gives off this wierdo drunk guy attitude that pretty much exemplifies the people who have been at the bar since 5 PM and it's now rolling on 3 AM. He has a very fun way of speaking that's pretty rustic and honestly something I'd hear in a hunting lodge back home... while also being a mad scientist. It was a fun read overall.
As far as the nitty gritty of the collab, it was well written. I like how the heist proposition flowed naturally from the conversation and that you two spent time actually building some lore behind it. It really just flowed like a conversation between two increasingly drunk people. I'm looking forward to the next part.
This collab was absolutely delightful to read, if a bit one-sided throughout. Kincaid and Naev get along like a house on fire, at a glance, but the constant assessing they do of each other is a great touch to keep in line with both Kincaid's recurrent attention-seeking and Naev's inherent paranoia.
I would've liked to have seen you take the initiative, a bit. It's easy to tell that Will was more or less leading you by the nose, but as I understand it this arc is largely so he can prove that heists are rife with opportunity. I'm not sure how you currently feel about writing Kincaid, but I have to hope that you're getting some satisfaction out of it still. If not, it might do well to reevaluate what he can accomplish as a character.
He comes across as distinctly bard-like in this, which is rather fun and entertaining; I'd even wager to say that I'd like to see more of it. Always has a tale at hand, always has something to say - even if it isn't the wisest thing to say - and is always trying to get a reaction. He's very whimsical but still quite grounded in that glory-seeking and attention-demanding he does.
Overall, great stuff, maybe step up a bit and ask Will how you can build on what you want to do with Kincaid while taking some of the establishing work off his hands.
