This was a fun business meeting to read. Compared to the last collab the balance of power seemed a bit more even between what you and Moony were writing narratively. Amanita was as fun to read as ever. She has this mix of naivety towards the ‘normal people’ and exudes this air of power herself somehow through the way she talks.
Content-wise, this was a good followup to the first collab. A bit more ‘planning’ and a little less action this time around. I’m intrigued to see what sort of business meetings are going to come out of this, and mainly how Amanita will end up using Diamantus. She doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of empathy to people she doesn’t know very well.
Moony: Vintage [124/124]
Good collab! I liked how you played a much more active role this time around. Amanita has such a dominating personality that it’s easy for her to steal the scenes that she’s in. For your part, Diamantus has some pretty lofty goals. I’m curious to see what he’ll actually do to basically... overturn the world.
Content wise, this was another good prelude to future work. It’s more evident what Diamantus gets out of associating with Amanita than the other way around. I thinks that’s a nice balance because it keeps people guessing what way the relationship will go. That being said, I can’t see him being able to put up with Amanita’s personality for a very long time haha.
Will: HIL [310/314]
Hmmm. The in text links were interesting but I think they were a bit... to frequent especially since it came in both turns. At the beginning, I thought they were pretty fun and creative but this collab was long and mousing over to get information kind of got a bit tedious. I think some of this stuff, especially the descriptions about what stuff looked like and outfits could have just been added to the text. I think with gimmicks like this, a less is more attitude is really important. Also, some of the links seemed to just be a way out of just writing (comma-statement-comma) in the sentence.
Your interviewer was well written and had the requisite amount of mysteriousness that I like to see in these chapters/collabs. You did well guiding Berri with good question and response banter so everything stayed well streamlined. It was a bit spooky at times some of the small mannerisms you gave her, so great work.
Berri:
HIL [308/314]
Same applies when it comes to the in-text notes stuff as I mentioned to will. It slowed down in frequency as the collab went on but they were a bit front loaded.
I like Perseus’ standoffish/melancholic attitude fun to read. He honestly seemed really uncomfortable basically the entirety of the conversation. Though, I’m pretty sure that would apply to many conversations than just ones with spooky interviewers. You really played up his lost-in-thoughts sort of attitude through how he speaks. It really set the mood and tone of the entire interview.
In somewhat of a similar vein to the in text lines, I just want to touch on the frequency of his verbal tics. Mostly the ... and --. When used in the right places, it adds a nice sense of embellishment and flair that seems very unique to Perseus. My only issue is sometimes they got a bit overbearing when used frequently in the same sentence. When a sentence is broken up by two sets of ellipses and finished off with a double hyphenation it starts to become incomprehensible to read. When repeated several times in a paragraph with several paragraphs in a turn it can get a bit much to read. I think it’s just remaining a bit conscious on how a reader who isn’t completely in tune with how a character things would end up reading it and making sure that above all people can understand what’s being said.
