Grading Session for Week 209

[Stephen Tetsu]

Group 6- > Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 2 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 6

Group 1: 1st Division
Group 2: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th/4th Divisions
Group 5: 12th Division
Group 6: AHs

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 1/31/2012. Do. Not. Miss. It.

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

Grades for teh week be here.

Mits
Collab with Mewn
So aside from the formatting problems in this collab (the italics problem, as discussed earlier), there were word errors and tense errors that detracted from your writing here. It’s not normally that much of an issue but for whatever reason, it was here.

After walking into the locker room, Sekai first put off her clothes and searched around for a second. She didn't search for anything special, she searched for someone special and for that she needed to look around if that person had her clothes lying around. After around half a minute she finally found what she was looking for. So that little girl who tried to snatch MY honey away is still here.

Snooping around in the clothes basket of what was supposed to be Yaname's one, she searched for her panties and shortly after she found them she stretched the rubber band so much that it would be too loose to hold the panties at the place, once worn again. That will teach her.

I don’t necessarily have enough time this week to dissect each and every error in this excerpt so instead, I’m just going to just rewrite it with what I feel are the proper words in the proper order in regards to what you were trying to get across in your writing.

After walking into the locker room, Sekai first took off her clothes and thenlooked around for a second. She wasn’t searching for anything special, but rather she was searching for someone special- and for that she needed to look around to see if that person had left her clothes lying around. After around half a minute she finally found what she was looking for.

So the little girl who tried to snatch MY honey away is still here.

Snooping around in what she supposed was Yaname's clothes basket, she searched for her panties and, upon finding them, stretched the rubber band so much that it would be too loose to hold them in place once worn again. That will teach her.

Now I don’t quite expect you to churn out paragraphs like that but I do want you to pay particularly close attention to the way you sequence a sentence. If you’re building a compound sentence, there will be less of a need to restate information given earlier on in the sentence in the connect phrase. Additionally, I want you to watch out for wonky verb tense. Past-present can be particularly cumbersome as seen in your work this week but I believe that if you pay more attention to it, you’ll definitely improve.

Anyways, catfight!

[40/51]
Plus 10 Div bonus

Drag
Collab with Rwarb
Good. Not much to say here because it was pretty solid writing over all. There were a couple of instances however, where you wrongfully used "was” rather than "were” and little nitpicky errors like that. Good though.

[77/80]

15 Div bonar to ye

Tag
Healing Webs
I think this is the first time I’ve graded you since your first week back and your writing still is as good now as it was then. There is a great rhythm to your write that allows it to just flow, enabling the reader to zoom from start to finish without a hitch and absorb the meat and potatoes of the chapter. There were a few little typo-ish errors here and there but I’m not going to hold that against you too much.

[66/66]
You get to take 50 DB as well.

Tod
P-chap
Alright so your writing is definitely much better compared to where it was when I took over the 12th division.

That said, there were occasional bits where it seems as though for whatever reason, things wound up misplaced.

"I’m sorry,” the green haired man growled as he rushed forward quickly. Tod, seeing his movement, dodged quickly to the side and tried to slash at the man’s side. Dancing to the side all the young soul was able to do was slash through his clothes. "Damn, I liked these clothes.”

The man growled, glowing faintly as he rushed forward towards the man again. This time he was faster, which made the young soul reaper flash step forwards as well trying to surprise the man. Ending up on opposite sides of each other the short man growled as a spurt of blood gushed from his shoulder. The man sighed as he slowly approached. His blade held point downwards as if he didn’t expect any further resistance. Blood slowly dripped from the tip of the blade as he approached. Tod got up and growled, his black blood dripping from his arm as he forced himself up.

I’m guessing that that last line of dialog in the first paragraph was being said by the dark-haired dude, which means that it should belong at the start of the second paragraph wherein the man is growling out said line. It’s nothing major, just something that I wanted to call your attention to because one simple mistake lik that can wreak havoc on the meaning you’ve intended for your work.

Anyways, this chapter is really good in that it moves the greater overall plot along whilst still managing to function as its own individual piece of work and I’m interested in seeing wht’s going to transpire next.

[62/63]
Take 50 Div Bonus.

Cadmius
Closing Doors
Overall I really liked this collab. There weren’t many, if any at all, grammar or syntax errors here. I did however have a stupid problem that took me out of this collab. The timelines here just don’t seem to add up. Kago, having abdicated his position as 12th division captain, is taking one last "victory lap” before leaving the division forever when Igasho and him talk. One of the topics of conversation mentioned in passing is the disappearance of Honoka Mizuki. Therein lies the problem. By the time that Honoka really took charge of the 12th division, Kago was long long gone, which means that he and Cad wouldn’t be talking about her disappearing because she hasn’t disappeared yet. Anyways, that’s just me picking nits so bah.

[52/52]

In Darkness We See
As usual, great writing. One little error here though, it’s ‘handful’ not ‘hand full’. Couple of typos here and there (most of the usual accidental switching of three-letter words variety) but nothing major. You and Rawb have very good chemistry when you write together that makes your collabs a nice read.

[84/85]

25 Div bonus for your efforts.



Guest Grade: Hiren
Cutscenes:
Good overall. Little formatting errors here and there as well as typos (read: omitted words) but nothing major that detracted from being able to get from point A to Point B.

[48/51]

As for me, I wrote this:http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35537-12th-Week-209-The-Fall-of-Honoka-Mizuki-Search

 

[Code of the Noble]

Notes: Doc/Tom I will most likely start the intro collabs next week, did not get to finish 2 of 3 collabs I wanted to last week (hopes to finish this week), but you have training with Pho to keep you busy. Kago will be grading Pho, Tom, and the guest grader this week. Also Tom/Doc PM me your email addresses please.

Promotion reminders as well:

Katie aka Adelaide Pierce is now the 4th Seat. Also keep in mind you work right next to the captain, VC and seats 3 & 5 (which are not filled yet).
Pho aka Udo Tabawara is now the 6th Seat
Threader aka Sanzu Shizuka is now the 8th Seat

Kago:

Closing doors (51/52):

Good closing to you leaving the 12th division. LOL at Igasho trying to score a free meal off of you in your state of mind, dose darn assassins... One thing, at the end I think you meant "it would not benefit either of us” vs "it would benefit either of us.”

Full disclosure (182/187):

LOL Sene wearing a dead fox around his neck, he'd probably never wear that even as a gift, hahaha. Poor thing would have been thrown away or donated to something or someone... There were a few errors with paragraph merging/crunching. There was one glaring issue. Last I checked, I did not recall you having enough kidou to even cast Dankuu. Unless the kidou rules changed or I misread your stats, you have below 5k kidou, which is how much that spell cost. Even though you have the barrier tech which halves the cost in threshold, it does not half the cost in reiatsu, nor does it allow you to equip kidou before you can actually use it. All in all this collab was pretty good. Also gave me an idea for an open 8th collab group activity in the near future, stay tunned! Katie said she'd be applying a collab bonus to this so you should take double points.

Ethereal Blurring (83/83):

I had fun developing this method for teaching this tech. This collab was the real hold up for getting this training down, since I never got to successfully teach someone this tech. Now that its done a few of my other collabs will be much more speedy, specifically pho and katie's collabs, which should be done this week. I'm also glad to see some new plot material developing from this collab as well.

Don't forget you take the 100 VC bonus for helping me grade...

Katie:

Full disclosure (185/187):

I really like your character's direction and personality a lot. Though I have to wonder how would Adelaide feel once she finds out that Sene was the 4th seat of the twelfth. This would be an interesting thing to discuss in character.

The story so far (103/103):

This chapter made me want to stop by Starbucks and get a chai tea >.>. My favorite part in this chap was: "Someday, if you meet Adelaide Pierce, ask her about her job,” Seriho’s smile had sadness hanging from it, her tone dripped regret, "you’ll learn two things: first that beating up Hollows is a lot of paperwork.”


Doc

The Intro (57/57):

Even though out of place in posting etc, there were no glaring issues.

The depths (97/97):

Same here. I did like the the note to help me with the placement of each bit (the part that notes 10 days/months/years to arrival and death) as that part was confusing til I read that and went back again. In case you did not see in the notes above you and tom should have your intro collabs with me next. PM me your email address so I can send you a turn in gdocs.

Also for this week as the tradition appeared to have been broken, due to me not grading or passing the message along to the grader, Doc and Tom can split the division Bonar (75 apiece).

Whurps: Link for my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35520-8th-8th-Week-209-Ethereal-Blurring

Now for my morning jog after some cleaning...

 

[Kago]

Pho

A Nice Brew

Grade: 74 / 77
Comments: I find it difficult to believe that Udo, having passed out in an alleyway, would willingly announce his division and seat to a seemingly strong, spritually aware human he has never met before. Not that its not plausible, just seems highly unlikely for these two guys to all of sudden trust each other, especially after all the shit that goes down between earth and SS (even pre-pm).

That brings me to my next point. The collab is labeled Pre-PM but Mwn talks about Sougi Tower being destroyed in his intro description. Which is it?

Your sentence structure and grammar were fine (a minor typo here and there).


Tom

A Meeting of Minds

Grade: 54/56
Comments: Typo right off the bat:

"Hmm, this guy looks familiar. Have I see him on TV or something? Now I think about it, I think he’s related to that Cerberus group I’ve heard about. I think I have one of their business cards somewhere.” Pulling open a desk drawer, Takeru rummaged around in it for a while, finally pulling free a card.

The section that I underlined is where I'd like to make a suggestion. When reading this, I never felt the pause where Takeru actually stopped to think about where he may have seen him before. You don't need to insert any superfluous action or internal thought. By breaking up the sentence with a speaking action, you can convey that pause/thought. Like so:

"Hmm, this guy looks familiar. Have I seen him on TV or something?" Takeru wondered, scratching his head.

"Now that I think about it, I believe he’s related to that Cerberus group I’ve heard about. I think I have one of their business cards somewhere.” Pulling open a desk drawer, Takeru rummaged around in it for a while, finally pulling free a card.

I also fixed the "think" being repeated three sentences in a row.

Damn, all that writing for just your introductory turn. This collab is gonna take forever to comment on.... XP

You seem to use that style of writing in several places where, I feel, would make more sense with additional pauses or actions. Not going to take off for continuous use. Take to me on IM if you'd like to discuss this further.

Also, the end felt abru-. *cut to black*



Van

A Gentlemanly Discussion

Grade: 55/55
Comments: This week, no typos. Kudos!

I am looking forward to seeing where this plot leads (even with the upcoming grading rotation, I plan to continue following Theron's (mis)adventures).

 

[Nargles]

Alright, Imma gonna swoop in and take 4th/11th if nobody else has their hearts set on it. If I missed something PM me.

Saso:
Sophomore Season [60/62]

Tsk, tsk, you forgot division/week tags on your writing. Anyway, on the the main stuff. I liked this chapter, since you did a really good setting the scene and portraying a pre-battle state. One this I will bring up is your descriptors for Anji. A lot of the time you repeated simply the 'big Shinigami' and you describe his height often. However, other than that, it's difficult to get a feel for the other parts of his appearance such as hair color, eye-color, defining features ect. Some of your adjectives need to be branched out a bit to get a better picture.

Take 150 div bonus as well.​

@Tits:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35527-Week-209-Cutscenes-Pt-I

 

[Inks]

SUPER HYPER MEGA ULTIMATE GIGA-GRADING STRIKE!

Yeeeeep.

It's me again.

I know.

Deal with it.

>8(


(If I missed anyone from the First, or some guest grade, or, like, a stray kitten wants a grade too, hit me up on AIM or PM
o-o b)
​

Nel

Nel
42 / 50

Mystery and Magic {1,000}
42 / 50

NOOOO, why does it end theeeeeeere?! WHAT IS HAPPEN?!

haha, I was lucky enough to have already read the chapter which occurs before this one, which is from Yuumei’s point of view; it definitely helps to know what the heck happened after Yuurei left. But ooooh snap, does this mean Yuumei is dead? What is happen to Yuurei? SHE CAN’T DIE, SO WHAT SAVES HER? Or does dude just not bother to kill her? And why is he impostor -- or is he Hagetaka only with his brain all sorts of scrambled?

^ I think the fact that I ended up asking myself all those questions is proof enough that you wrote a good chapter here; it’s engaging, important to Yuurei’s plot/development, and makes the reader want to know ‘what happens next?’

So good job there. ouo <3

I did, however, find a few reoccuring mistakes with your writing -- particularly with regards to punctuation in/around your dialogue. Sometimes you got everything right, but just as often you’d get things a bit scrambled.


http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml might be good to check if you’re ever in doubt about how to write dialogue. Juuuust to make sure you’ve got it right. o3o

Good job, now go get the next chapter out! >8(

Fin

Fin
117 / 119

Vacate {2,442}
117 / 122

This was a fairly low-key chapter, wasn’t it? o3o But I think that’s a good thing, considering all the high-paced, high-action craziness everyone was dealing with during PMs. A vacation definitely sounds like a good idea -- especially if you’ve got an awesome family like Picca. Plus, it looks like you’re setting up for some mystery and drama during her vacation, which is good. It keeps things interesting!

From your wastern shinigami WITH ALL HER ‘LIKE’S, to Alebran’s bitterness at cruddy living standards, to Picca’s cocnern over what is happening, I really like the characterization in this chapter. ouo b

I took a few points off for basic grammar errors (things like "Oh, you're leg." instead of "Oh, your leg."), but it was an awesomechapter overall. It didn’t look like you were having any comma-problems this week, either.

KEEP IT UP, FINNERSSS. <3

Chiisu

Chiisu
60 / 67
+150 Div Bonus

The Shadows Stir {1,337}
60 / 67

LOLLL, no offense, but I don’t think you thought your plan through very well, Khayalan.

Aaah, hollows. What can you do?

Anyway, very good return-chappie, Chiisu. Finding a way to take an allegedly-dead character and bring them back takes some ingenuity, that’s for sure, haha. I doubt I could pull off anything like what you did here. Now I’m curious as to just how your ickle VC is gonna get himself out of this predicament; I suppose this’s why you were so keen on getting a bounty going, right?

=( I also feel pretty bad for your guy, too.

"LOL what’ve you been up to lately?”

"Oh, not much, just been having my mind molested by a creepy hollow for the past forever.”

"That’s cool. Did you happen to catch any games while you were there?”

"=|”

Structure and grammar-wise, there were a few times where your word-usage got a wee bit redundant, and sometimes your commas got a little wonky.

"At the very center of the cave lay one single, body, in nearly pristine condition. It had been months since Cadena had ravaged the small body, and Khayalan had spent all that time mending and healing the torn little body, preparing it for what he needed most. A link, a psychic connection that would let its power flourish.”

For some reason when I look at this paragraph, all I see is "body body and also body the body did a body with a body so the body could body.”

Haha, I jest; but you might could try thinking of a few different ways to describe things, or maybe blend a few sentences together so the reader isn’t seeing the same words over and over. Also in that paragraph, I think

"At the very center of the cave lay one single, body, in nearly pristine condition.”

got away from you a bit. It should be

"At the very center of the cave lay one, single body, in pristine condition.”

or possibly

"At the very center of the cave lay a single body, in nearly pristine condition.”

And I’m not even sure that last comma is necessary. Commas are sneaky little bastards. >8(

But I digress! It felt like your writing was steadily improving over the course of the chapter, and it was a good chapter overall.

ouo Keep up the good work, and good luck with your bounty/getting back into things!

Sene

Sene
75 / 82


Ethereal Blurring {3,293}
75 / 82

Yaaay happy-happy funtimes beating up on--...I mean training subordinates. <3 Always good for a collab.

Well, the subordinates might not agree, but who care what they think. PFEH. Good character interaction, even if Sene was mostly chilling off by the wayside during the actual fighting segment. It was in keeping with his calm, mellow, ‘bitch please’ personality, at least. XD

Grammar-wise, the chapter had a few scattered problems of a comma/apostrophe nature.

For example, in this sentence,

"I hope you are pretty fast Kago Takimoto as you have about eight minutes to get to that training ground before you piss the captain off.”

‘Kago Takimoto’ is an interrupter, meaning it should be sectioned off like so:

"I hope you are pretty fast, Kago Takimoto, as you have about eight minutes to get to that training ground before you piss the captain off.”

And heeeeere,

"Even if your speed does rival his, hes already had a head start on ya buddy and I highly doubt your tardiness will go unnoticed,”

I suspect you just missed the apostrophe key on the he’s -- but don’t forget that any two sentences that are both complete thoughts linked with ‘and’, ‘but’, ‘or’, etc, require a comma for a pause. In addition to this, ‘buddy’ acts as an interrupter here, meaning it wants its own comma as well. Needy little jerkface. =T

On another note, where you wrote ‘he’s already had’, I might suggest, ‘he’s already got’ -- as ‘had’ kind of suggests the captain’s had a head start on him in the past, but not necessarily at present.

That crazy assortment of stuff in mind, that sentence would read as:

"Even if your speed does rival his, he’s already got a head start on ya, buddy, and I highly doubt your tardiness will go unnoticed,”

At some points, you also had a few...bizarre words. It felt like they were proofreading errors from where you reworked the sentences? Things like

At first it appeared as if the noble had put himself in a time about

Those silly captains, always putting themselves in time-abouts. >8T

I do not want to afford consistent monies for damage done to my training rooms especially by captain level releases.”

He doesn’t want to afford it, or he can’t afford it? Because the former is a bit lacking in the sense department, lolll.

BUUUT, aside from a few more missed commas and a few more lost apostrophes aside, this was a good read. I approve.

=T this reminds me Mitsu needs to get on his own training. SLACKERRRR.

"I know, I know. I’m awesome."

-Ink "I REALLY NEED TO PEE[COLOR#999999]” berri[/COLOR]



(Ink Link: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35538-Week-209-He )

 

[Eidolon]

Group 2 breakdown
Short comments this week, both tired and quite busy

Everyone take 50 DB!

If I missed you, I didn't get links!

3rd

Rawb - In Darkness : 85/85; I like Igasho and I like your writing as well, to be expected I enjoyed the collab. In most cases I'd say that the hollow was treated too marginally, but, Nana is an exception.

Untimely - 80/80; Nana go boom? Her attitude certain has a vicious side, that's starting to peak through in recent works. I like that.

K-chap - Untitled 1 and 2: 146/146; I like the character development that's going on here, for both your own character and his 'babysitter.' Though its about time to have a boom.

R


12th

Tits - I'm glad you're using the need to transition as a tool to develop plot for your division, as usual, your writing is solid.

 

[Several Zombies]

Mwn:

A Slap in the Shower: 49

A Nice Brew: 75

A Meeting of the Minds: 56


Lambo:

Boy: 240



Inky:

He: 112

School kicked my ass today, but THERE WILL BE COMMENTS INBOUND! I REPEAT, COMMENTS ARE COMING. DO NOT RAGE/THREATEN ME WITH BODILY HARM...]:<

No links from me this week.