Grading Session for Week 21

[K3]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Shade
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Nella
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Bunz
Hiren
Loko
Minj
Puppet
​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of January 2015 is:

[Ca] -> [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Se] -> [Oc] -> [Ca]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 01/06/15.

 

[K3]

CASTUS GRADING​

Freckles:

425/437 - The Way of the Armor [4366]​

Oh crafting chapters, you'll never fail to interest me. You set a good pace with this one, and fixed a lot of issues I've been seeing from you previously. I can tell you proofread most of this, but your attention may have waned in the second half. More spelling and grammar errors start to show there, but not so many as to take me fully out of the read (that said, do not use internet slang like 'Ohi', it's obnoxious).

I like the back-and-forth quality between Hal and Ludo, but your dialogue is incredibly stilted and awkward. This is gonna be your big thing to work on next: when you're writing dialogue, read it aloud back to yourself. If speaking the dialogue feels awkward, or you trip over the words, rewrite it. You have this bad tendency to have characters just voice random agreements with statements.

...“I see that you are in high spirits, which is always a good thing,” the terran observed, fishing his leather apron from a rack. “Remember that blacksmithing is an act of patience, not of force.”...

...“I can understand that, and I will be happy to help you,” the smith stated, putting a calloused hand the size of a ham on one of the machina’s shoulders.

“Really?” the living automaton returned, his mismatched eyebrows shooting up with surprise, his spirits rising up at once. “That was really something I could never have hoped for.”...

These awkward statements feel extremely forced, and moreover, as something a person would never say. The context for them makes the dialogue feel robotic and stilted, like you're just pasting in generic replies for generic observations. Use the character's personality and traits to build dialogue. I've said this before, but a down-south family man wouldn't speak in university terms for everyday conversation; and a blacksmith with hands the size of hams wouldn't necessarily speak without contractions or while making irrelevant observations.

Moving on, however, I really enjoyed you taking the opportunity to expand on Hal's mannerisms and expressions. The demvir chassis modifications were handled well, though I question your over-abundant use of jargon for panning out the measuring process. I would make a brief note that demvir without their chassis worn are most definitely vulnerable, to an alarming point. The plating they have is not unlike skin to them: it's not just a case of being 'naked', it could be considered downright unhealthy.

Shades:

257/287 - Contractual Obligations [5735]​

Wish you would've spent more time on building up the undine.

Guest Grader: Will Berri:

283/283 - The Hunt for Eloquii Aequoris, Pt II [8500]​

Okay I'mma lightning round this shit because Will decided to fill me in on this after I'd already done it. That's right, it's his fault, go shinkick him.

First impressions on El are that he's a pretty cool dude but for around the first half there was so much of a March-vibe going on that it really felt like I was just collabing with March. He starts to flesh out a lot more once he actually starts - you know - running from Keydis and Annora.

Felo is a nice touch (didn't really help with the March comparison) to complement El's skittish and quick-to-distract nature. Your writing is to the usual standard of being pretty top-notch where characterization is concerned, and your dialogue was pretty stellar.

Raph's things of such and such:

The Hunt for Eloquii Aequoris, Pt II [6500]
What Strange Tidings [2218]​

 

[Nargles]

If I'm not mistaken, I think only Doc wrote for Se this week. If I missed something, message me.

Because you were the only Se to write Doc, you get special treatment.

~~~~ Doc~~~~

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Debt [120/123]

Really nice introductory chapter for a new character. Even though this was just an early impression of the character, he has quite the character. The pride and smugness that you gave Tydeus as evident both through what he said and his actions. I liked the little touches on how he walked, and how the guards responded to him. I do question if the rehabilitation part of prison really ended up working. I look forward to seeing how this character meshes (if he is) with Dio's plot.

A really well written chapter overall and there weren't any outstanding grammar or spelling flaws. The pacing was on point, though I do think the part where the prison officials tell him he's okay to go could have been stretched out a bit more to get some additional introspection by Tydeus. Otherwise, well done.

Also take ALL THE GROUP BONUS (guess who remembered that he can give out bonuses).

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Guest Grade: Finny
Death in the Afternoon [484/488] - PM applied

Your chapters are always so funducational. I'll add Death in the Afternoon to my list of drinks with absinthe to never drink. It's quite a list.

Anyway, I'm not sure if Cicely is the best accidental tactical commander or the worst. The humor was on point and I loved the opening, psudeo-fourth wall breaking. I also liked the actual acknowledgement on how horrible cocktail themed codenames are when you run a bar. Sistine is like... a walking pun. Really. Sistine Chapel. You should feel bad for that one.

I really appreciate how each of the character has a distinct personality and they're used just enough for their individual quirks to appear but not get overdone. It's a delicate thing about comedy that people tend to miss. The actual drugging bit was well written, and the swiftness of their operation was rather competent (ish) given their inability to keep their codenames straight.

There were just a few inconsistencies on capitalization of codenames that stood out. Mainly, the two word (or more) named ones either had the first and second word capitalized or just the first. Those should probably be uniform (I lean towards both. So for example Mint Julep). Great chapter though!
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[Redfin]

Pls, Bob, pls.

Moon
Axe Man: 120

The way that Deni made light of things could sometimes get on Aeria’s nerves. However, she knew that he was just trying his best to defuse the tension of the situation. She glared at him.

After that earlier turn, what a hypocrite.

You forgot an opening quotation mark somewhere in there.

It was a cool 3 person collab using only 2 people. There was a clear difference between the Teague turns and the Deni turns. Aeria's part in taking over the main negotiations was pretty cool. I was surprised just how foul-mouthed she could be. And I could feel her pain with that speech. Nice job with acting all tough and getting things done.

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Raph
Strange Tidings: 219

"Much appreciated!" He chirped brightly...

"Dimitri! You said it'd be another few months before you made it back to Boreas?" She replied in a musical tenor.

Both of these would work better as one sentence. Even if the spoken dialogue ends in an ? or an !, if the following part is about how the sentence was said, it is the same sentence. That means the following part is not capitalized.

As such:
"Much appreciated!" he chirped brightly...

"Dimitri! You said it'd be another few months before you made it back to Boreas?" she replied in a musical tenor.

As for the chapter, it was a fun and whimsical bit of city-building that I really enjoyed. I am a fan of just everyday happenings of characters, and this mixes that in while describing a grand enlil city. It was an adventure without anything big or exciting happening, but the backdrop provided the sense of fun and newness to the readers.

The Hunt, pt 2: 282

Oh, man. I read part 1 back when I was grading will. Then it dropped off. And now it's back!

Reading it all out of order, I can imagine that his is a flashback to happier times between Annora and Keydis. Like before they were all wanted by everyone.

It looks like Annora came out decently well considering the whole kerfuffle. The entire thing felt like a good old fashioned multi-party bounty hunt between good guys. The kind that brings in a third, even worse party just so they would team up. Nothing really surprising happened in the collab, but it had good interactions, flow and combat. It had a bit of everything, really all melting together in one pot. Like a hearty stew.

This collab is stew.

 

[OssumBunz]

Hey there guys, I'm grading Aq for Sev this week and next, so lets just jump right in and that sorta thing!


Val- 139/139

“The Axeman Cometh”
Alright I’m just going to jump right in here and pull up the first thing that feels like a mistake to me since I’m grading as I read to save time.

“Give this sort of criminals your name and you might as well be giving them your life.”

Okay having criminals instead of criminal here just seems off, alternatively you could have replaced this with these and it would have made more sense. That said, I didn’t find any other glaring errors and it was a decent read. I was a bit dissapointed that the mob boss knew of deni’s plan before he could tell him about it...means Deni’s tongue is too loose. It was good and in character though, so keep it up.

Hare- 126/126 & 132/132

“He’s Always Laughing”
So Kincaid is getting a place and a pretty nice sized one too it sounds like. I didn’t spot really any errors in this, your dialogue flowed nicely here. Imagery was there but I would have liked a bit more when it came to the place he was getting. You did place its location rather well though, I must admit. I was curious as to what was up with The Watering Hole’s sign that made people call it by another name, but I assume that is covered elsewhere in the forums.

EDIT: Adding in grading for the other two chapters that I missed. It's interesting to see that Kincaid has also found a job, no errors were spotted in this chapter.74/74

Then the Albanus chapter was also good,I liked that the end seemed to roll into the attack that happened in PMs.
137/137



“For Wherever We May Roam”
Hmm...the formatting in your first turn here, I’m not sure it makes sense to me. Each sentence is acting like its own paragraph and I haven’t encountered this being done before. I have no idea if there’s some rule that makes this acceptable, so I’ll have to just say it isnt my favorite and not take action against it.

Albanus is quite open with strangers, it would seem. He’s not shy in the slightest I take it as he was willing to express all his fears and...self pitty. I was surprised at how he was able to strike up a deal like that. I suppose in that way he can take care of himself, so he has some hope yet. All in all this was an enjoyable collab.

Hiren- 126/126 & 270/287

“Epoch”
Your imagery is just...always so good. This chapter reminds me of the sort of chapters we would see from you in HD’s prime, mysterious, dream-like, and unsettling really. Like those I take it that this is an inner world of sorts. These are my favorite to read in any rp, so it was quite nice to see. I did manage to find a missing word, and I know that with proofreading it can still be easy to not notice the absence of a word such as ‘to’ since our minds tend to fill that in for us. Just try to watch out for that in the future, but it’s not too big of a deal. This was a very good chapter in my opinion.

“Contractual Obligations”
I feel for the graders that I have so proudly presented long collabs to..once or twice. I didn’t start out very interested in this collab, but once they reached the sewers it began to pick up in my opinion. Hnnnn...I found another missing word, you really need to proof read this stuff, it throws off the flow as I’m reading.

Okay another thing here, Shades wrote that the demon had a hold of Omir, yet you had him back up without stating how he escaped her grasp. Unless I missed something, that seems to be a decent sized slip up. This read was pretty good, but I feel there was either a rush to get it out or it took months...eh either way there seems to have been a rush.

 

[Inks]

[Be] Bellator Grades
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brought to you in part (and whole) by Inkers Inc. (tm)
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If I missed anyone (ie if you wrote and you are not Will or Rob). Er. O-oops! I certainly definitely looked all over for grades and didn’t just ask Ky for links and then only grade those links.​

...That is a thing I did.
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No srsly if I missed you, hit me (up) and I’ll do my best to fix dat.​

Spoilers these comments will be pretty ew, I am workin’ off like 3 hours of sleep and preoccupied with building up anxiety and panic for a dentist appointment tomorrow.​

Just. Just know.

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Will
[283 / 283]
+100 Bonus

The Hunt for the Most Handsome Spurii Ever Seen [8,500]
[283 / 283]

Aahahaaaa, I am STILL laughing over Keydis and Annora getting away with stealing Canor’s allowance money. This collab has been going on fer so long that it was like a refreshing experience, rereading the finished product.
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I really enjoyed this collab -- the interactions between all of the characters (including Canor and Mica when they show up) felt very nice and natural, slipping back and forth between action, dialogue, and ACTION AND DIALOGUE smoothly (especially considering how much of both there was). ​

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Keydis seems to very much be a lady of action -- though that also means that she tends to make an assumption and run (sprint) off with it: Eloquii must be in the lake! Otherwise that’d suck! Annora must be working with Eloquii! They were totally chatting amiably (and also otherwise she’d have annoying competition)! This bounty was clearly trying to threaten her with fire magic! This velen guy is definitely evil enough (or shady enough) to attack! He was totally going to kill the bounty target!
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Basically, Keydis is a snarky, action-packed little shit, throwing out punches and witty one-liners with NO REGRETS and it’s great. Your writing, as per usual, is great. I particularly love your way of illustrating movement and fights in your writing -- it's quick, to the point, but still paints quite the clear picture in my head. Your descriptions and dialogue are just as good, of course, but it's rarer to see well-written action, man. I felt so outclasses writing them action scenes next to you and raph.

Molto bene indeed. The writing was great. The story was great. We’re all great. And that’s great.
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Now start another collab with me.

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Rob
[130 / 132]
+100 Bonus

For Wherever We May Roam [2,630]
[130 / 132]

Ehehe, ehehehe, eheheheee. Sigrid is such a jerk oh my god.
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It’s magical.​

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C-Can I call her ‘Sigrid’? It’s just that ‘SigrÁ­ður’ is a pain to remember to type (copy+paste), and...​

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...who am I kidding, I’ma just call her Sig from here on out anyway.​

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So. TIL Sig is rude, intimidating, has a hard-to-look-at name, and punches crying people in the face. (Also she’s racist, but we ALL already knew that pfff). While this collab didn’t have any examples of Sig kickin’ ass, takin’ names, and showin’ off her leet combat skills -- it DID give us a good example of how Sig interacts with. Er. Other people.​

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Especially other non-laicar people. Poooor Albanus. Bird-bro got like, the least sympathetic shoulder to lean on he could possibly find. Including like. A brick wall. Pretty sure a brick wall would feel worse for him. Still, Sig’s lack of sympathy, strong enough to be more like SNEERING DISDAIN AND DISTASTE, are all perfectly in-line with what I (think I) know of the character, so it’s all good. In that it’s bad. Sig’s mean and she should feel mean. ​

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I did have a bit of trouble getting a firm grasp of what, exactly, Sig’s moral compass is, but that very well have more to do with my limited exposure to her than your writing here. She goes from ‘filthy not-human’ to ‘i will help you learn to shoot a bow’ with surprising ease. Even though it’s explained (as her finding wasted talent even more gross?...That and apparently Sig’s got this weird hope that the other species will somehow kill themselves off...but honorably tho, not sniveling and/or starving on the street!), it still feels a liiiittle....forced? BUT THEN, if she refused to have anything to do with ANY enlil, velen, demvir, or spurii that crossed her path, thaaat’d make writing a big pain in the ass. Reluctant, incredibly begrudging help is probably more acceptable keeping that in-mind.​

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On the technical-writing side of things, I noticed a bunch of tiny, like, one-word errors scattered throughout the collab. Things that would be cleared up (probably?) by some proofreading prior to posting -- and also things I am way too sleepy to point out now sorry okaybye.

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no srsly if i missed you lemme (or ky/will) know.
But wait until midnight first.
Who wants bonuses anyway??
-Inkout

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