Grading Session for Week 214

swaswj · Mar 4, 2012

New March Rotation.
New Grading Rules thread.

Group 2 -> Group 1 -> Group 6 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 2

Group 1: Will: 1st / 5th Divisions
Group 2: Lil: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
Group 3: Kago: 8th Division
Group 4: Beaks: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: Tetsu: 12th Division / Vizards
Group 6: Sev: AHs

If you are listed as the default grader, you are responsible for making sure grading is completed by the deadline.
If you cannot do so, you must appoint someone else to do so. If they accept, the grading must still be completed by the deadline.
Graders may now give out up to 100 Kan to reward effective training collabs.

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 3/06/2012.

Nargles · Mar 4, 2012

Grading AHs and Earthbound vizards right now. If I missed anything link me. If not Val, Shade and Moony you guys split division bonus.

Moony
Dear Diary [58/58]

I’m so proud of Zakki for not instantly revealing that he was part of Cerb. He’s really grown up there hasn’t he lol. Anyway, can I just say that this was by far the most odd attempted recruitment scenario? I’m looking forward to reading more collabs with these two characters since you both managed to play the whole inner monologue vs what they’re actually saying bit without overwhelming one half too much.

Escape Rope [98/102]

My only gripe plotwise in the collab was the huge shift in tone after the hollow fight was and how rushed that chunk was compared to the fight. I kind of feel like that chunk of the collab could have been explained a bit more since Zakki took Tod’s hollowness a bit nonchalantly lol. Also, I really feel like telling him to see Arano is a baaaaaaaaaad idea now LOL.

Val
Kanazawa [63/64]

I just saw a few errors littered around that a good proof would pick up. Other than that, you did make this interaction a bit mysterious didn’t you? I wonder how long Shuku can pull this off before his inner hollow starts messing things up for him. If he keeps getting angry, you know those random masks might start happening :3

Shade
Shattered [19/20]

Short chapter is short. Anyway, I kind of like how like Ciro, Hisao is dealing with the fact that he’s now so depowered. Fortunately, as evidenced in our other collab, it didn’t cut down his snark factor. Maybe like Ciro he’s hiding it from the other. They need to collab about this stuff~

Snark [??]

Whatever I get is what you get.

Sene

For Great [35/35]
Fluff collab is fluff. Not much to say here other than have fun Adelaide. Isn't it great what money can do!

Ash and Sake [68/72]

So, the fighting was fine, I just got really confused when it came to figure out who was writing what character. With a PC, NPC and a zan spirit, it was kind of hard for me to figure out which one of you was writing which. Your grammar overall was fine, with just a few hiccups here and there. At some points it felt like you weren't fully responding to what Pho did in his turns; however, those were pretty infrequent overall. Take 25 kan for this training collab.

Code of the Noble · Mar 4, 2012

Im grading the eighth division this week hiren. I have one collab with pho which I will link shortly and the turns in the open collab with the auction which total 690 WC.

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35758-8th-8th-Week-214-Ash-and-Sake

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35704-Shini-Week-214-For-Great-Times-II

Eighth Division send me links plz

lilmangoseed · Mar 4, 2012

Group 2 Grading:
To ensure order, the grading queue for the week will be posted at this link:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ahzf-cvsLFdndGZtXzdvU2Q4cTVEaFRiMHpMamFjaGc#gid=0
If one of your pieces are missing, feel free to add it to the list.

10^th Division Announcements
Celly, Nate, Thread – All three of you will need to collab with me in order to learn Soshi and get your tattoos. So let's take care of that, shall we?

Also, from this point on, I will be adding your grade to reiatsu, shikai, and bankai. Copy and paste these stats from the grading posts. Then distribute your points to your individual skills (zan, hak, hoh, kid) Do not change the formatting. Post your stats every week, regardless if whether or not you wrote.

3^rdDivison / 7^th Division / Quincy Announcements:
Since I can only be a nazi for my own division, I'll just leave grades here. If any of you do, however, prefer that I take care of your stats as well, just let me know. Also, if any of you ever want me to post an announcement up here, shoot me a PM, and I'll be sure to add it.

__________________________________________

10^th Division:

Bob – 13

Content-wise, you did well. You interacted with the auctioned captains, stirred drama among the crowd, and ultimately won your bid. But ohmygoodness Bob, please start using periods. You've been having this issue with run-ons for awhile now, so if you want help, you know how to reach me, and we can discuss ways on how to catch them. Capitalize your I's too.

Also, you probably should have told me Lucas was 10^th Seat... >_>

For Great Times – 13/15

Lucas Morrison

Nate – 49 + 25 DB

Haha, Kaja was quite a surprise. A DVD player? Really? Overall, it was an enjoyable chapter, but it's a shame there was so little development. It was obvious that this chapter was entirely written for the sake of getting your shikai. But hopefully we'll see more development in future writings. Also, "Rukongai" is not "the Rukongai." That's like saying "the Manhattan." And you should also stray away from revealing the climax of your chapter through the title. (Though several years back, my shikai chapter was similarly titled "Lust, Kerushi" so I can understand the temptation.)

Helista, Kaja – 49/52

Cameron Wolf

Thread – 58

Welcome (back?) to the Tenth Division, Thread! Nice opening chapter to a new character. I'm looking forward to how Hisoka will interact among the other Mystics. It's great that we'll have someone so hard-working join our ranks.

A few technicalities... Currently, Hisoka's kidou is only 25, so he should only be able to effectively cast Byakurai once. In the Academy, his reiatsu would be even lower. Unfortunately, that means that he couldn't have casted the spell 10x during his training. (Kidou is expensive). Also, since Hisoka was attempting to learn how to combine bakudou and hadou, maybe next time, he might want to try casting a bakudou spell too.

Training Begins pt. 1 – 58/61

Shakuras Hisoka

Celly – 307

I'm going to assume "The Prince" is a nobleman, and you don't actually intend for him to be the Prince of Seireitei (since there actually is a royal family that only the GMs control). Also, if you intend for the Prince to be a regular NPC, you're required to discuss his housing and tier with Kago, since he's in charge of the Noble Houses. Overall. this was an interesting chapter, especially given the sudden perspective change. You were able to express plenty about Celly, even if his own part was quite small. Good job.

I really enjoy the relationship between Kanasu and Celly. It's mysterious, sweet, and cold all at once. Well done on evoking all of those depictions, while keeping it cohesive. Who knew that guessing eye colors could be so poignant? I, however, don't understand why Kanasu got so jittered when Celly answered all her questions. After all, she asked them already, and they were standard inquiries.

Also, in the future, be sure to post all chapters in one thread, even if they're about different characters. It just helps keeps things consolidated.

My major concern is that you've written a great deal so far. You're nearing 2000 reiatsu, and you haven't actually met any other characters in the RP yet. The 10^th emphasizes communication and strong rapports among its members, so I'd like it if you would get started on that. It'll also be interesting to see how such a unique character like Celly will interact with other shinigami.

How to Do the Prince – 58/60
Splinter Twin – 249/250

Celly Rhodes

3^rd Division

Rob – 172 + 25 DB
+ 600 Kan (extra 100 for saving Tits)

I really enjoyed your collab with Ketchup. Nana, as I told you earlier, is very bitter/angsty/awesome in this. It's so satisfying to see how certain events have lasting consequences that influences the character in everything she does. Great job on development!

Your collab with Hare was also another great piece. That book is very cool. Rather than tossing away its epicness, I'd actually like to see it submitted as a unique item, since there's so much opportunity there to really make use for plot and relationships. Heh, but oh well, Nana's gotta do what Nana's gotta do.

The bounty was standard. Titsfail. But aside from that, you and Cad did well in finishing the bounty anyway. I was slightly disappointed with your finishing blow since so little physical action was described. Zanjutsu fighting can be difficult since it can often sound like, "Stab, stab, slash." Will used to say that he'd actually try to write out anime fighting scenes to see if he could describe them accurately through text. Obviously, that requires a great deal of time and work, but you may want to consider a similar approach for future combat scenes.

Asters for Nana – 60/60
A Book (of Hell) and the Devils Within – 63/63
Be My Wittle Tweddy Bea' – 49/51 + 500 Kan

Ketchup – 236 + 25 DB

In the auction thread, you wrote 625 words... and never actually arrived at the auction. I won't expand on your grade here, but if there's a misunderstanding of some sort, you know how to reach me.

However, the rest of your writing this week was great. Your collab with Rob was very well done. Manzō was depicted realistically with all the right levels of compassion, anxiety, and curiosity. In the future however, note that you don't need quotation mark for thoughts. Italics alone will suffice. Also, I wish you had given this collab a different title. It would've made Manzou's act of giving the flowers to Nana much more surprising and effective.

Similarly, I enjoyed your collab with Doc. Manzō's attitude reminded me of someone out of Sin City. It had a tone of, "The world's gone to shit. My only goal is to survive... and smoke my cigarette." It's different from the more open, enthusiastic version of Manzō that I'm used to seeing. He was more quiet and reserved after finding out about the Vasto Lorde. I'm interested to see how the rest of the plot events will affect Manzō's persona and growth.

That Pupper thread... Damn. It's like reading an entirely different writer from two weeks ago. Great job! The intensity, the tempo of the collab, the concise, fast descriptions. Haha, well done! For a long time, I was not a fan of Manzō's relationship with Yonezawa. Now, I take it back, and I have to say, that was a great twist.

For Great Times – 10/31
Asters for Nana – 59/60
Fourth Floor – 99/101
Puppet - 68/68

7^th Division

Cad – 328 + 75 DB
+ 500 Kan

Like I said to Rob, the bounty was standard. You played a hungry hollow. It got killed. Comic Sans font, Size 3 was really annoying.

Great job on your Kurohashi chapters. It's really awesome to see the intensity of a character's struggles, and you described it so vividly. I am definitely looking forward to how his battle with the hollow is going to play out.

And as for your collab with Dil – fantastic. I loved it. Your job was to complement Dil's characters, and you did a brilliant job of doing so. Not only that, but your flow was so smooth. It felt like you two have been writing together for years. Exciting story, exciting characters, awesome job. This was my favorite of the week.

Be My Wittle Tweddy Bea' – 38/39 + 500 Kan
Walking with the Ghost – 135/135
Wild Goose Chase – 155/155

Guest Grader

Berri - 349

The collab with Nelo was a light-hearted read. I giggled at all the times Raury called Rufus various animal names. But to be perfectly honest, my main thought is, "Why hasn't Rufus puked his guts out yet?"

Your chapter... I love. It was absolutely beautiful. Mysterious. Deep. Dark. Complicated. The juxtaposed scenes all came together like a movie. Well done on an artistic and powerful piece. I haven't been keeping up with Mitsu (outside of his Kyu love stories that Will keeps linking me to, haha), but does this mean that he's about to obtain bankai? xD Berri Bankai! Yay!

Raruvian Methods - 119/121
Ashes, Ashes - 230/230

Beaks · Mar 4, 2012

Whoever from the 4th or 11th wants to pick it up this week, go for it.

My link:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35753-11th-Mini-PM-Start-Week-414-Minefield-Hopscotch

Ganner Rhysode · Mar 4, 2012

Alright I'm grading for group five this week, so here goes nothing...

I'm grading in the order of when I found them in the writing section...

Tits

Evil Teddy of Dewm!:
[42/42]
+500 Kan

Where'd you go broski? Even with the short (Two turns, really?) events of Tsuneo being involved with that psycho bear thing I enjoyed it this week... But sersly, where'd you goooooooooo...

Good turns though, definitely a good sign if people get disappointing about you disappearing and not showing back up.

I dunno how exactly I'm supposed to give out Kan, just gave you the same as cad.

Hiding amongst the masses eh?
[27/27]

I hereby dub these chapters the case of the missing Tits... where'd ya go bro? -sigh- Still, good stuff, woulda loved a response from Tsuneo about losing for Lilth, but ahh well. Anyway, full points, no errors seen here.

Tag:

To the Left, To the Left...
[51/51]
+50 DB

That was... weird...

Not bad weird, intriguing weird. Even though I understood little of what was happening I was interested enough in it to keep reading. No errors that I could see. Well done.

Mitsu:

Lack Control You Do, Young One...
[50/51]
+50 DB

Not much wrong with this other then a grammar error or two..

Mitsuhito himself was not in a situation where he could do anything except for listening,

listening should be listen.

Special Note: you shouldn't call some lady on your back that's in a good position to kill you fat or insult her or something... Manatee was cruel, and I guess it proves that Mitsu has balls... XD

I'm enjoying reading about Mitsu's struggle with his inner hollow, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you resolve it XD

Jeez guys, warn me next time...
[26/27]

The usual small tense stuff pops up here and there. Like for example...

All this bidding in one kan steps sure was amusing, and he catched himself laughing out when it started.

Try and see what's wrong before poppin' this bad boy open

Other then that Mitsu didn't end up doing much this collab did he...? Ahh well, that's what happens when you bet with the big boys...

Dil:

Y U Chase Geese?
[155/155]
+ 50 DB

Wow, Raka kinda gets beat up quite a bit doesn't he? He doesn't even get a break from his 'friend' Mikhael. Ahh well, nothing wrong with this collab, in fact I enjoyed it quite a bit. Very good writing here, I only saw one error, a wrong word, but nothing worth taking points off for.

Guest Grade(Who'm I assume is Lil):

Freakin long collab that two other people were in but didn't warn me...
[54/54]

I think you did well, especially with Picca's trickery to get you there. XD

Enjoyed the sniping, and the fact that you finally decided to take pity on poor captain Ishin. Poor man, took all those one kan blows to his ego, that stuff sticks with you ya know. Good writing, enjoyed all of it.

If I missed any links and or grades and or anything else PM me... I'll fix it...

For my Grader from group four... Whoever you are..

Gnashing of Teeth Part II

and...

Use the Escape Rope

Inks · Mar 5, 2012

1ST DIVISION / 5TH DIVISION
GRADES
ARE
A
GO!
(If I missed someone/something like a doofus, please IM/PM ASAP me and I will get on dat shit <3)

Nel

Nel
50 / 60
+50 Div Bonus

Whisked Away {700}
30 / 35

A-HA! I called it! I called it from the chapter’s very beginning.

Poor Hagetaka-kun. It’s good that you answered the question of ‘Where did the reaaal Hagetaka go?’ But now I’m confused. Both women he was caring for died? But wasn’t one of them Yuurei? @-@ She’s...she’s not dead, is she?

What is going on?!

Here’s hoping there are more explanations to be coming. (Of course, it’s entirely possible that I just missed the explanation.) <3

There were a bunch of little technical errors in this chapter -- missing words, a random tense-change near the end, and problems like this:

These affairs preoccupied his thoughts, it prevented him from thinking of various ways to escape his quandary.

where your pronouns don’t match up. ‘These affairs’ is plural, but you go on to use ‘it’ to describe what was preventing Hagetaka from thinking. In addition to that, the sentence is a compound sentence -- identified by the fact that it could easily be separated into two sentences without losing any information.

These affairs preoccupied his thoughts. They prevented him from thinking of various ways to escape his quandary.

or

These affairs preoccupied his thoughts, and they prevented him from thinking of various ways to escape his quandary.

or even

These affairs preoccupied his thoughts, preventing him from thinking of various ways to escape his quandary.

would be ways to correct this sentence.

Be careful when you’re writing, Nells! The little things add up. <3

For Great Times II {504}
20 / 25

Where did you gooo? Yuurei was there with this Lucas fellow and having some super-wacky awkward times with Adelaide and I was prepping myself up for some good DRAMA LLAMA--

and then POOF.

Nothing.

=( I am disappoint.

Pretty standard writing from a technical standpoint -- a few more errors than usual, although I sort of chalked that up to the collab’s quick pacing -- but it really is too bad there wasn’t more input from Yuurei.

Only two things that made me really raise my eyebrows.

"Looks like you're enjoying some time with your male friend there!"

and

If Adelaide got over her and found herself happy with the man's company, then it might turn out for the better.

I can’t tell if Yuu-chanz just totally missed the fact that Adelaide was lesbian-tastic...or was implying she might be happy with misc. male guy in a FRIEND-LIKE capacity. It read more like the former, though, which made me facepalm.

And then double-facepalm.

Oooh Yuurei.

Fin

Hiren/Shades

Ry

Ry-o-Angelus
220 / 225

For Great Times II {921}
45 / 46

Hahaha, I am forever amused by how Raury always, always, always manages to stumble himself into these sorts of events, roll smoothly with the crowd, and contribute to -- maybe not meaningful, but certainly entertaining -- conversations. Without ever having any clue WTF is going on. Still, it totally works for him, and he really does add to any events he’s a part of.

My favorite part from you in this, I think, was Raury backing up Adelaide’s crazy(genius) idea to bid on another captain. Like a good neighbor, Raury is there.

And drunk. Like a good neighbor.

Hardly any technical/grammatical trip-ups from you -- you still seem to be in the habit of capitalizing the first letter inside parentheses, though, which is only necessary if said first letter is part of a WHOLE SENTENCE in parentheses. (Like this, for example.)

PS -- I totally LOLed at the idea that Raury would ever be anywhere without his alcohol. Who do these guys think he is?

Dear Diary: I...TL;DR {2,317}
56 / 58

Oh.

Wow.

=’| I don’t even know how to respond to this collab. It was just that beautiful. Zakki and Lily’s interactions were somewhere between ‘what the hell’ and ‘holy shit yes’, which, I think, is a pretty awesome place to be. Very amusing to read, particularly with the two of you trying to out-coy one another.

One problem I had with your turns though, was the switching-of-pronouns in Lily’s case.

"He had moved through the crowd with ease, hadn’t needed to ask her what he had been drinking...”

Like so. It really might be better to just pick one gender (the one he/she is identifying him/herself as at the moment would be my suggestion) and stick with it. I totally get what you’re trying for, but it kinda tripped me up as I was reading, and made it feel more like you were writing two characters. But you weren’t. And it was very confusing. =(

Also; arbitrary point reduction for makin’ me hafta increase the font size so I could read your silly teeny-text.

Raruvian Methods pt II {4,850}
119 / 121

I know it took us, like, a few decades or so to get this collab finished up, but I still enjoy how it turned out. Raury and Rufus definitely make a...a...special sort of pair. Like I said to you before, they’re those guys that say FUCK IT, kick bromance up to 11, and end up singing horrible karaoke at two in the morning.

So, you know, the best kinds of guys.

I really, really liked how Raury responded to Rufus’s initial wariness in this collab...and especially that gripping story. I’m sure the entire restaurant/bar appreciated that.
I yoinked a couple of points for the occasional typo/proofreadin’ goof/redundancy issue, but good work in this collab (and especially for dealing with my super-slow-ass turns).

We need to do a follow-up involving arcades/karaoke/amusement parks, or possibly all of the above.

Undies

Undiepants
92 / 96

For Great Times II {666}
32 / 33

Oh you. I see what you did there. With your word count.

Haha, I think everyone but me managed to turn out for the auction. It was like some covert, Anti-Inki Operation (AKA: an open collab in plain sight). But that aside, I was amused to see how prim and proper and calm and serious Haresuno still insisted on being, in spite of the fact that he was being auctioned off for a charity event.

His couple of attempts at levity were also hilarious, though. Particularly him poofing up with indignation at the idea that he would have trouble getting a date. What? Hare? Not good with people? Lies and slander.

Also, his super-cheery greeting to Lucas made me smile for some reason.

I didn’t spy any technical mistakes, so that’s a good sign. I ate a point in retribution for you using the word ‘jump’ super-redundantly in your last post, though. Take that. <3

A Book, and the Devils Within {2,530}
60 / 63

Aaaaaand abrupt mood-whiplash!

Haresuno just can NOT seem to get a break these days, can he? If it’s not one thing it’s...the same thing, really, only screwing him over in a different way than before. I was actually surprised at his train of thought in this collab; not at the beginning, but when he is faced with the idea that Nana knew something of what had happened to him. I couldn’t tell if it was Hare panicking or just bein’ coooooold-blooded, but killing a gal over it seemed pretty darn vicious.

And then trauma-llama interrupted and he passed out. Moral dilemma avoided!

I just want to take a moment to note how much I liked the way this collab fit together. You had an excellent back-and-forth dynamic going; it flowed really well, with no awkward redundancies or confusion between the turns. Even the dialogue meshed well, and that made it much more enjoyable to read. GJ, bro.

GJ. (Points eaten for missing commas here and there, a couple of minor typos, and some missing words. No biggies.)

-Iky "I Still Love You Though” Bear

(Ink Links:
Ashes, Ashes (We All Fall Down)
Raruvian Methods pt II )

Kago · Mar 6, 2012

Doc

Fourth Floor....

Grade: 101/101

Comments: One thing I noticed with your writing is that you often use the word 'Gorou' in multiple sentences in the same paragraph, sometimes in back to back sentences. IMO, you could just use 'Gorou' to start the paragraph and use 'he' the rest of the time. A better option may be to incorporate other nouns describing your character. For instance, I interchange 'Kago' with 'the vice-captain'. There are multiple ways to go about this so try to experiment.

Also grammatically: "When you say "shakes down”, what exactly do you mean?”

'Shakes down' should only have single quotations when its within a double quotation, as such with speaking.

As far as the content goes, it was refreshing to see a new perspective on the impending war. Two newer recruits, who haven't seen war yet, discussing what may come truly brings it into perspective. Also, I liked how Gorou reasoned that war wouldn't break out this week because preparations/orders hadn't trickled down the chain yet. It was realistic and brought a sense of understanding to the speculations within the collab. Nice job!

Beaks

Minefield Hopscotch

Grade: 33/33

Comments: Not much to comment on grammatically. I liked the slow tension/build-up you created in this chapter. Seeing that Tsubaki is unsure and doubts whether this course of action is correct shows how deep of a character you've made. I'm looking forward to the start of these mini-PMs and seeing what kind of effects it will have to the rest of the Gotei and nobles alike (especially people who fall into both categories like Kago, Senesati, Makoto, etc.)

To the Rest of the 8th

Sene said he was grading so look for his post for your grades.

Albinocur · Mar 6, 2012

Group 4

If I missed you hit me up on AIM or PM.

Beaks, Doc graded you for some reason but that's just as well cause I did no writing last week!

Notes are effectively being made as I read your chaps so your reviews might read more like, well notes, than a paragraph at first.

Everyone take 50DB!!!!!

WayNE:
Cobra Kai: What exactly does clear smoke look like? I found this description to be a bit odd, is it more like a distortion or white like steam? I'm finding it quite interesting to see our various characters doing this and that while trying to deal with their individual curses. You handled the accent of Cobra well, too often a problem with people forgetting them or not doing them for all the words they should (including myself).

I had an odd sentence at the point you smashed the hollow by using the ice kidou.

A spiral orb of pearlescent shade shot down at the beast, and upon impact its leather-like hide froze solid from the outward in. As the ice spread and devoured its entirety, Kyuketsu made swift in his movements and swung his leg down against his target’s shoulder.

I feel a better structure would've been: "A spiral orb of pearlescent shad shot down at the beast freezing solid it's leather-like hide from the outside in upon impact. As the ice spread and devoured the target's entirety, Kyuketsu made swift his movements..." This is a small thing but I had to reread it a couple times.

[62/63]

Crysal:
Talking: I like how they greet each other with "Hey" every time. That is what you said when she visited you in the hospital right? Love the narrative mention about the full body mirror. I really liked the paragraph about their conversation and then the way lead out of it with the sentence that kind of concluded the things we would find irrelevant. You have a strong command of dialogue in your chapter which was thoroughly enjoyable. I did find a couple minor things near the beginning.

"It was clean, and well-kept, and the shinigami..."

Too many ands! or too many commas. Either that first comma shouldn't be there or the first and.

"...she opened the way for him to enter. Which he did promptly, and after that, the usual curiosity that was such a strong trait of this man began to show itself fully."

'Which he did promptly' Should not start the new sentence, I think it would have been best put in parenthesis and the new sentence should start thereafter.

[60/62]

Guest Grade::::::::::

Ganner!

Gnashing, the first sequel: Alrighty dude have to hit you with this chap. I didn't read part one and thusly grant concession that I don't know all of what's happening and I'm not worried about descriptions of, say, the cop who I assume you described in the first one; however, we have a number of writing issues throughout this chapter that I can't ignore.

Tod ran back towards where the howl came from. He found the cop dusting himself off and growled.

This really shouldn't be two sentences and the the first one reads a little oddly. 'Tod ran back towards the origin of the howl finding the cop dusting himself off and growled. Or something like that.'

His spirit left his body and he turned to see the cop tackling his body.

"Dammit,” the assassin growled, wanting to get the man off of his body. "I don’t have time for this shit.”

The blue eyed soul ran towards the howl, he’d take care of that first then he’d get his body back.

In the course of three consecutive sentences you use the word "body", this is more of a sentence structure problem than needing to whip out the thesaurus, though that would've helped.

You have a lot of this scattered around through the whole of the read, I get the impression that you are writing in short bursts and not looking back at the paragraph you may have written an hour ago. I have the same problem, I work in a truck and have to pepper my writing throughout the day, sometimes only a couple sentences an hour, never mind a paragraph but you've got to look back even if you don't have the time for a true proofread.

The chapter does get better during your fight and then toward the end when you are trying to reclaim your physical body but it was really hurt and disjointed by the errors.

[10/51]

Escape Rope: This is a much better read, your turns are in complete thoughts and you're not repeating yourself like crazy all over the place. You have a much stronger sense of character and good interaction with both your target and Zakki. You only had a couple typo's (lack of capitalization and using it's vs its when refering to the hollow such as:

"In the hollow's terror it's claws..."

should be ...its claws... This chap shows a stronger sense of everything in general and I really enjoyed this one.

[199/201]

Code of the Noble · Mar 6, 2012

Notes: To anyone and everyone I owe turns to, I will get to them shortly tonight is not plausible as I will be gaming... sorry, but first thing in the morning after my roof is done with inspection and whatnot from this cursed wind, I will get some turns pumpin out so check on em around 11-ish am PST. Doc that collab you did, wasn’t it a hunt? If so, I did not see anyone issue Kan to you or the participants. I will check back by the deadline to see if anyone has/will issue kan if not I will ask that Kago issue it since he’s read the collab and graded you in case of any collateral damage. Also look at the end for division bonar handouts

Katie

The Auction (114/114):

I found it very "lol” that you out of the blue just placed a bid on your own captain. Kinda felt like Adelaide did it out of spite because she could not out-bid him/me for Lilith. *shakes hand at Kago* Why does the eighth have so many drunkards? D:

Also we will have to start you winning collab sewn >.> ohboy...

Pho

The Auction (17/17)

Now I’m not too sure on this but I think that when you leave a division you leave behind the items too. I saw you reference Prometheus which was an old Ninth Division item, unless you’ve submitted this as a personal item of your own I do not believe you get to keep this in the eighth. (I will have to clarify this in case I may have missed something). Other than that I did not see much at all wrong with your writing here. I wish you had won Hare and I won Ishin, ohhh the sweetness of slaving a captain of the 7^th for a day.

Ash and Sake (70/72)

Save for a few minor errors with hyphens and a couple of oddly worded sentences/questions, your writing was sound. PS Congo rats on Hagane no Kizuna

Kago

The Auction (4/5)

You sir made one post in this thread, a post that may very well earn you a month or more of toilet scrubbing duty, without gloves or any materials... In fact you should clean these toilets with your fingernails and the tsuba of your zanpakutou... You lost a point for no wordcount

. Sene and Sophia need to meet again. I smell some noble drama in the near future... This is the most I’ve written on such a meager grade...

Unimportant Decisions (56/56):

Lol all that talk about bikini season and Kumi still ate the food... women. Your grammar and writing were in check as usual with your solo pieces.

You get the 100 VC bonar for helping wif grading

Doc, Pho, & Katie may each have 50 of the division bonus.

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