Grading Session for Week 218

[Kago]

New grading rotation for April

Group 3 - > Group 1 -> Group 4 -> Group 2 -> Group 6 -> Group 5 -> Group 3

Group 1: 1st / 5th Divisions
Group 2: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: 12th Division / Vizards
Group 6: AHs​

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 4/3/2012.​

 

[Cad]

Group 2!

I'm handling group 2 this week for Mango so post your links up in the gdoc or send them to me!

Here's the stuff for my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35929-3rd-7th-Week-218-The-Face-of-Things

 

[Isaaru]

hey, group 4!

I'm calling the dibs for the grading this week, so, shoot your links to my PM box!

Here's my link for my dear grader: click me good!

Aaaaaight!


​

 

[Kago]

Not much to grade this week.....


Doc

Generational Gap

Grade: 107/108
Comments:
It was nice to see Kenma again. Almost thought you forgot about your NPC. haha

Anyway, I thought yall did a nice job with this collab. The hollow appearing during Jacques and Kenma's fighting was a little cliche but it worked for the collab. I just hope the ensuing follow-up isn't too predictable.

Monsters

Grade: 158/160
Comments:
I found a few little errors and typos in your writing

'By speaking coherently, even if he did so like a crazy person, Takuto had given his jittery prey the tools he needed to harvest some courage.'
​

I think it would've been better/made more sense for it to be '...he did sound like...'

All in all, the more I read about Kenma, the more I like him and how realistically you portray him.

The ending made me "WTF" but in a good way. Kudos.


Katie

Roses in the Ashes

Grade: 155/155
Comments:
Both your chapters, although different, were executed well. Comparing the tea house's fresh start to Adelaide's new start was a nice alignment.

The build up of tension between Lashiel and Adelaide is going extremely well. Most people have tension for a chapter and then its resolved. I like how you are putting the two at odds with each other and are slowly carrying it out. This makes it seem more plausible and better to read.

Continue with the pacing. I think you're doing an excellent job with it.

The only piece of advice I have is that when you are putting quotes around a word inside and outside of speech, you might want to use a single quotation mark (') instead of a double ("). I find this provides a clear distinction between quotation/emphasis and actual speech.


Hare

One and Nil

Grade: 67/69
Comments:

Not bad. You had a few points where you failed to capitalize at the beginning of a sentence. This sentence also threw me off:

The whole time the two of them had been running, Jamie was more or less dragging Ken by his hand.​

I would have made the first half the sentence an introductory clause.

If Jaime is a Quincy, we should definitely collab. I just introduced a new quincy in the chapter below that would be beneficial to know...

My Grader


http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35936-8th-Week-218-A-Fresh-Start

 

[Nargles]

:: Cerberus Notes ::

If you haven't noticed, the techniques have been updated. I'll be posting them in the thread soon. If you had Controlled Response, you keep Controlled Response. If you had Synthesis, you keep Synthesis. However, if you had Overload or Extra-Terrestrial, you lose those two and need to be retrained in getting the others.

Also, just to repeat what was in my collab with Moony, Zakki is now Vice-Chairman (VC) of Cerberus.


:: Nano ::
Trigger Finger [100%] + 150 Division Bonus

Figure out the grade since I have no clue what the WC is lol. Anyway, this is. Wow. What. The. Fuck. Man. This is why you should write chapters more. My inner arts student is having like a nerdgasam over the formatting. Even without the formatting your writing was great and you managed to weave the mini choose your own adventure in perfectly.

The riddles were great and the prose you used managed to set the mood fantastically. You really should write chapters more often. Anyway, nice to see you back in the land of AH and keep up the fantastic work on these.​

:: Grif ::
Generational Gap [106/108]

When AHs fight it’s like a giant hollow beacon isn’t it. Anyway, Roland totally reminds me how Hisao with a few less centuries and somewhat less sass. Either way, you managed to play crotchety old man well. My only problem is the fact the tone shift from fighting each other to hollow showing up was like WAHAY LOOK AT THIS CHANGE. However, other than that, good job with the collab. Try to back off the cliché next time lol.​

:: Moony ::
Sign on the Dotted [?/?]

You get what I get​

:: 12th Grader ::

I have no clue who you are​

For Cad: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35939-C-C-Week-218-Sign-on-the-Dotted-Line

 

[Apeiron]

1st/5th, I got you. Also 12th's 217 will be posted here.

 

[Isaaru]

[ welc❤me t❤ gr❤up 4, ladies!]

And here goes...

Ah, gradeeerrr, here's my link, just in case your scroll is jammed.


[ Blood Templar ]


[ ❤ Binny ❤]
​

[ Dead Eyes 5 -Part A_58/62]

This chapter a was very interesting part of your plot. I really liked how you crossed the worlds, making this episode the converging point of the parallel narratives. The dose of doom and danger was well measured. I found some lesser - and persistent - typos here and there. Also, sometimes I found myself with the need of reading a sentence twice to understand the sequence. The way things are described - sometimes without the proper timing - breaks the flow of the narrative. Try reading again your whole chapter and feel the narrative timing, speed and tone as an animated sequence of a movie/anime. You’ll easily understand what I’m talking about.

[ Dead Eyes 5 -Part B_50/53]

Once I knew that that Zak and the Greatest would confront each other, I expect a brutal fight, since the late is like the pre-big boss from the plot. I know that it is not over yet and even the Master appeared in this one, so, make it big and proportionally epic, plox!

I found here some awkward sentences, that could have been constructed in a clearer way. I’m a flamboyant writer myself, but I think that the flourishing there needs to be well measured to not look ‘wut’?

You take home 150 points of Division Bonus, for being the most assiduous writer in the Eleventh *glares at the rest (including myself)*.

[ ❤ Sally ❤ ]

​

[ Splinter Twin (Special Chapter) -71/73]

Even though it wasn’t that easy to distinguish the parts each of you wrote, I managed doing it, somehow, because I’m quite familiar with your stuff. Do a favor to your dear graders and use different colors, even if the same shade, with slight difference in the tone *pokes celly in the ribs*

I have to admit it was quite weird getting into what was happening in this chapter, I mean, Kanasu-wise. This whole chapter felt a bit like a vivid hallucination caused by some potent drug stacked with a serious cranial trauma. I know that this plot was led by Celly, for it is his Arc - and Kousei did his job - but some parts felt a bit casually-there.

Despite the issues above, it was really fun to be revisited by Kousei-san, even if in a cameo appearance. Flirty, isn’t he? It was nicely done.

[ Honorable Healers ]

Nada? D:


[ Guest Grader ]

[ ❤ Caddie ❤ ]



​

[ The Face of Things -121/122 ]

Hi there, Cad. I totally did not notice your post up there, claiming the grades of Group 2. So, sooo sorry about that. Silly me.

Your collab was very well done. The set, the flow between you guys, the very graphic image of the battle, with the right pace, made it a very good read. I liked how you struggled to take down that Menos Grande and how Kurohashi’s wordlessness was driven, along with his Hollow-like power. He turned out to be a very interesting character, indeed. Nice job there.

The only turn off I found, was the somewhat far fetched descriptions when making reference to your own characters. But it didn’t hurt the narrative in any significant way.

 

[Stephen Tetsu]

COmputer experiencign massive failure so this will be this.

Le grades.

Week 217
Bob:
Collab with Hare
Good writing over all. However, you do still struggle at times with the elusive beast of the literary deep seas known as the mighty, mighty comma. In some cases you put commas where there should rightfully be a period.

The two of them were close, Lucas knew that no matter what he could count on Hare to support him, just as Hare could count on Lucas.

The two of them were close.Lucas knew that no matter what he could count on Hare to support him, just as Hare could count on Lucas.

Or if you were still wanting to go down the route of having it be one sentence, combine the two piece with a nifty connector ("and”).

In other places, you go ahead and stick commas in places they probably shouldn’t be (you dirty, dirty boy).

He had been training so terribly hard to make sure he was ready, that he brewed this special event in order to relieve some stress from the everyday life as an officer, and to get his revenge on Hare.

Those commas only serve to halt the flow of your writing, thus detracting from the intended message more easily retrieved from a sentence without those things in there.

Other than that, aside from the odd capitalization error and typo here or there, everything was just spiffy.
[46/50]
75 Division Bonus

Taggles:
Good writing as usual. Since I’ve been out of the loop for a while, I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. Not very many mistakes that disrupted the flow of your writing, although there was one where you accidentally replaced the word "lung” with "luck” which kinda threw me for a loop for a bit. I did like that passage though as a whole as it worked to show TOuru slipping into character or whatever you’d like to call it.
[50/52]
75 Div Bonus

This week:
No one in my div wrote

Guest Grade: Kago
Good writing. I wish I had more to say but seeing as how I’ve been gone for a month and I don’t have anything to really critique (and the fact that my computer is trying to commit seppuku) I think I’ll just leave it at there.

PS: Watch out, "the” and "he” are easily interchanged at the most inopportune of times.

[49/51]

Take it all.




I didn’t write this week and probably won’t have anything out for the foreseeable future.

 

[Cad]

GROUP 2

Catchapoop
The Parting of Our Path
76/77

Shortly after joining the RP, I remember certain writer’s styles that stood out, including yours. Specifically, the detail with which you write. I also remember reading one of your grader’s notes that described how you would sometimes overuse said detail, describing the most mundane of things, such as dumping 500 words on picking up a cup of coffee. Artistic as it may be, it can detract from quality in our forums but this chapter had none of that, which happily surprised me. You used wonderful detail throughout but it highlighted, colored-in and shaded Manzou and Ayame beautifully. There was a great balance between action, conversation and character insight. I am a little lost on the connection between the two, their past etc but that’s mostly from not having read previous work. I can also appreciate Manzou standing behind having no deep, complex driving factor for being a shinigami. It’s refreshing, really. I took off a point for a couple spelling and punctuation errors.

The Face of Things

Hate to say it, but you get what I get compadre!

Robstar
A Trip from Past to Present
55/56

Alright. Here’s where things start to pick up momentum for Nana in her future endeavors with the noble house. I consider Nana as a counter-part to Igasho in terms of composure and stoicism so it was somewhat surprising to see her as nervous, especially needing to shake her head and slap herself before going in. It certainly adds some humanity to the noble girl but it’s intriguing to think that she is so well-maintained in almost every other situation, what on earth could make this woman so nervous!? There were no noticeable spelling or punctuation errors but I did hack off a point because the build-up to getting to the house felt a little like fluff to get the 1k wc needed for each week. Also, I took off 100 points for spite, but then I changed my mind to spite my spite.

50 div bonus to you and Ketch for keeping things rolling for the Third!


Isaaru, I think you missed me for the collab I did with Ketch! Link is above




Hiren
Sign on the Dotted Line
58/58

First, I hate when pchaps refer to their paper work. It seems like the ‘pile/stack of paperwork’ is a generic go-to and I hate reading about it...pet peeve. BUT you actually have a point to make about the paperwork and I appreciate that – no useless filler makes for an easier read. As far as Zakki’s promotion: It’s about time! (cheers for mewn) Though, with all the reasons Ciro presents, it makes sense why it has taken so long for him to fully trust/rely on Zakki but needs to do so at a pivotal point in Cerb’s development. The interview very much reflects what a CEO would and does do in real life when approaching a subordinate with concerns and that reads very well. The only thing I noticed, context-wise, was "...when worst comes to worst...” where the phrase is actually, "when worse comes to worst”.

Please take 50 div bonar for moving Cerberus ahead on the chess board

Celly

Splinter

125/125

Excellent writing here, Celly. Some parts of the story are a tad cliche' but it made for a fantastic read. Vivid and colorful detail paint the back and forth nature of the session and memories very well. 2500 words has never read so easily and smoothly. Without having read the previous installations of this arc, I'm immediately intrigued and impressed with the mental breakdown that is being explored here (not unlike a TV series recently released). I look forward to seeing Mr. Rhodes in action in a battle, war or some other moment of tension, as I'm curious as to how he'd handle it. Great chapter mate!

 

[Apeiron]

Ladies and Gents, we again find ourselves at the mercy of He Who Should Not Rant. In this particular post I was supposed to have also commented on the 12th’s chapters from the previous week, but it looks as though Tits has gotten those. So I got to read Finny, Will, Berry, and Nell’s work.

Since I graded Nell last in 217’s grading, she gets first this time.

Nell
Madman 53/53

An interesting follow up from the previous zan chap I read. I get the sense of a lot more to come, and I look forward to it. Happily there was nothing wrong with your chapter, in fact it was quite well written. The improve I can give for this chap is the scenery. While there, it’s nice to touch up areas of description or add details to make it fresh in your readers eyes. Only error I saw was at the very beginning, where you forgot a quote mark - haha. The only confusing part about your chap was the third to last paragraph. It got vague on what you were talking about but I was able to remember something about a figure and the pieces fell into place. Aside from those it was pleasant to read.

+50 DB

Will & Berz
Some foreign title 185/185

Per usual of both of your writing and collaborations, you’ve done a terrific job in displaying your character’s faults and resolutions. The flow was well done and on par of what is the norm for both of you, content was nice as well. Mitsu getting lost & his unexpected entrance were particularly amusing.

I couldn’t spot any errors for the life of me in this, and there isn’t really any point where the flow is spoiled or jumbled. Everything was pretty direct. Even their conversation about Kyu and HM had just the right amount of thought, emotion, and speech. Well done.

+50 DB each

Fin
Destruction 215/216

It was nice to see Supa and Picca again. There is a good dynamic between the two characters that makes your chapter fun to read. There were a few places where a word was missing, but nothing terribly bad.

I cringed at the price of the car, and that it got wrecked, but then I remembered Yen to Dollar. The teenager got a good deal, even if it was demonically possessed.

+50 kan

Issaru
Unforgiving 85/86

I have to say, for never have read any of your previous work (aside from C46 thread) your chap had some very strong dialogue. The amount of hatred the people spouted was just tangible.

Very strong visuals too, but there were a handful of errors that interrupted the flow.

BTW I’m rooting for the shini on this deal.

 

[Apeiron]

This is an update for week 217 chapters and klabs that did not get graded.

Bob
Poppin’ - 72/73
Then - 80/84
Bridge - 78/79

I apologize that this took so long to grade. A lot of confusion got stirred up over this. Rest assured, though, that something of this nature and magnitude should not happen again. Now then week 217.

Tits took care of our klab, so there’s no need for me to grab that. Instead I’ll jump right into Just Popping My Collar.

As I stated with Nell, you did a good job given people were jumping around with their ideas at 100-mph. Especially when you consider Lucas is an outsider to the whole deal. I would like to see shunko get a bit more description to how it’s being used in the future, though. Minor errors spread throughout that you’ll need to be careful of in the future, but aside from that it was just a lot of jumping around.

Then and Now was cute (as I mentioned before), but there were even more errors in this than in the large klab. Missing words, missed punctuation, choppy flow, bad word choice, and tense errors made your turns difficult to read. I was able to get the sense of what you meant, but I had to work for it.

Rebuilding Bridges was a hilarious start. The sheer bitterness Adelaide holds for Lucas was jaw-dropping, especially in her line about his open hostility, while she was the one who initiated the supposed hostility.

You still had errors like in Then and Now. Capitalization, missing words, etc. I’m sure you could pick them all out if you went back over it. I told you this in chat, but this is worth repeating: Lucas has as much tolerance IG for people as I do OOG. Meaning a lot. Hare would have left Adelaide to her own thoughts.

Ganner
Falling - 98/101
Round II - 48/50

The ideas and visuals of your taming were nicely done, but hampered by errors (such as a needed comma or period to start a new sentence), poor wording, and a lack of identifying (or confusing identifiers) characters. When you have more than one character, it’s important to remember you need to give clear mentions as to who is who.

The same errors I saw in your chap were evident in your klab with Kago. To help fix this in the future, I suggest two things. The first is to read out-loud what you’ve written. If you stumble, or it doesn’t sound right, try fixing it because it probably is wrong. The second thing I recommend is just plain re-reading turns or chapters before posting them/sending them. This will help to narrow down your errors and improve your writing.Ganner
Falling - 98/101
Round II - 48/50

The ideas and visuals of your taming were nicely done, but hampered by errors (such as a needed comma or period to start a new sentence), poor wording, and a lack of identifying (or confusing identifiers) characters. When you have more than one character, it’s important to remember you need to give clear mentions as to who is who.

The same errors I saw in your chap were evident in your klab with Kago. To help fix this in the future, I suggest two things. The first is to read out-loud what you’ve written. If you stumble, or it doesn’t sound right, try fixing it because it probably is wrong. The second thing I recommend is just plain re-reading turns or chapters before posting them/sending them. This will help to narrow down your errors and improve your writing.