Grading Session for Week 22

[Redfin]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Shade
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Nella
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Bunz
Doc
Loko
Minj
Puppet
​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of January 2015 is:

[Ca] -> [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Se] -> [Oc] -> [Ca]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 01/13/15.

 

[Redfin]

Nyaaa~

Any open collabs finishing I've missed?

Moon
Holding Block: 78 x2 plot = 156

So, I think this could have a good starting point for Aeria and Ignis talking. Aeria would certainly want to know about what happened with Craxtus and is an unexpected coincidental meeting. Even if it's not how the original Craxtus story was meant to go, it seems like a possible fun direction to take it.

Your writing in the thread was good with the cursing and the trying to make friends. Aeria knows how to make a quick exit.

 

[OssumBunz]

Vinny- 222/232

“Missions”
Seemed easier to write that rather than the long title. First thing is just a style thing, it’s neither good nor bad, you have a a very spoken word style to your writing in my opinion. I’ve said this about a few people here, so it’s just how I interpret a few chapters.

At first there was a huge lack of character movement, like you didnt describe anything with the first batch of dialogue...save for the door opening and Furi exiting her room. It’s always nice to add in things like character positions and gestures, as well as detail as to what they look like. These things help the reader better understand and visualize the story you are trying to tell.

You do a bit better with character positions as you go on here as well as movements, but there are a lot of scene cuts that feel rushed to me in this. I don’t know, like the story is there, the plot isnt a bad one, but it’s like a frame of a house lacking insulation at times. I think you could use to spend time being more descriptive in the future.




Hare- 147/147 and 270/270

“We are Living”
I found this chapter a bit better than your last few if not simply because you were very descriptive in this one. There also didn’t seem to be much down time in it...I did trip over one sentence, but upon reviewing it again I don’t think there was an actual mistake. this was a good little chapter all in all.

"The Holding Block"
This is a bit humorous simply because Kincaid is an actual criminal and yet he didn't run out with everyone else, he actually stayed at the prison to help out which will really look good for him.

Hiren- 223/223

“Epoch 1-1”
Please pleeeeaaaaaase proof read your chapters more closely, you write something so enjoyable yet small errors litter it all over. Alright so I only found one this time and look no points deducted this time! I really like your chapters, they tend to be so trippy and its a nice change from the norm. Your mistake wasn’t a missing word this time! Yaaaaaaay!....No it was a wrong word -_- so close Arun damn it. Why? You wrote “navy-feathered velen” need I say more? It’s a simple mistake though, so no worries. Good chapter once again!

Val- 160/160
"The Holding Block"
Nearly missed this one, why is Deni following the terrorists? You know what nevermind.

 

[K3]

CASTUS GRADING​

Brief note: Shades is now part of Occultus grading group, and Nella is now part of Castus grading group.

Freckles:

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 474/484 - The Holding Block [2421]​

Gotta hand this one to you, Frecks. You do a great job of conveying Hal's confusion and difficulty in coping with the rapid stream of events happening. That said, I would like you to keep trying on your imagery. You've got these really awkward sentences ("... His sense of the present was brought back online when a notion of a small flying object passing over his head surpassed all other stimuli...") that kinda drag out certain sections. When you want an action to be fast, make sure that you don't take too long to describe it. The longer you spend describing and selling an image, the longer people are going to imagine it taking.

You have some scattered typos still, where it looks like you were rushing to finish ("Yet, I ended up in this whole mess.") or didn't seem to know what word to use ("Hence, at the apex of that performance, the avian stroke with his two options."). Remember your proofreading. Beyond that, good work, and remember to try and paint a clear picture for readers with what Hal is experiencing.

358/388 - The Final Showdown [7750]​

Okay so with some perspective on this and having talked to Hiren, I am vetoing your reward on this mission. You didn't actually accomplish the objective given to you, so I see no reason why you would actually deserve being paid.

A lot of my comments are going to line up with what I said about your other work this week, as well as Hiren's own. You have missing words in sentences, and some word choices are needlessly bombastic. The plot of the mission itself has been largely allowed on my part, but a vistra who has conquered their pravum in a D-Tier mission makes little sense.

Guest Grader: Will:

**PM BONUS APPLIED** 418/420 - The Holding Block [2100]​

Good work with this thread in general, considering the odd assortment of actions people were taking. I imagine this went rather smoothly for you, with nobody really attempting to refute the breakout outright, but Rapax's general mannerisms convey a decent enough cause with Astra. He's a bit too gung-ho for me to get much more than a fanatic feel from him, but perhaps that's needed at the moment. That said, do wish you'd have spent a bit more time building up Rapax as a character over him serving as a vehicle to Astra's own cause.

Your grammar was up to the usual standard, but I can see where you had a bit of trouble describing how the getaway vehicle was hidden. It reads a little awkwardly, and you might've had a better time spacing that out a little more. Beyond that, it reads solidly, and your imagery is up to the usual standard of 'great'.

 

[swaswj]

Writing tagged with [Plot] in week 017 and onward will count for twice the normal point value.

And now back to boring Will grades.

Berri - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Bish - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Dys - 675/684 + 100 Faction

When you look at the idea for the first Harper chapter, where he lays low after the incident with Katakato, it sounds like something a person would come up with as filler just to meet the deadline. Yet, it doesn't feel like you rushed, it doesn't feel like padding. The chapter, in general, keeps a very mild, but consistent pace. It's another good look at Harper's character, showing how inconsistent he is in how he considers others, while consistently looking out for himself.

As someone who's new to the city, and doesn't seem to have grown up in a city, the ease with which he navigates through Terminus is a little disconcerting, though. Also, while he's casually robbing people's homes and mugging prostitutes, I feel like something's got to give. Things are going to come back to bite him. Harper hasn't been very careful -- and is written here as really being too tired to care about being careful -- and I have to wonder how long until Finny's gigolo-bot or a pimp show up to 'discuss' his actions.

Moving on to the mission, first quick note is that illegal missions (like this one) wouldn't be hanging on a legitimate bounty board. This is more of Harper and this time he feels more in his element, perhaps a little too much. He didn't exactly keep a clean slate for long, and this is him just digging the hole deeper. I find it a little amusing that the guards basically carried the bargaining for him at the end, with no real prodding from Harper. It would have been better if he had somehow led them that way, but then again, his methods have always been a bit more direct. Let's just call him lucky this time.

Ignis may be taking a few too many cues from Harper, though, since she's now a full-on fugitive. It's unique how she's disassociating herself from the situation by relating everything to stories she's read, but at a certain point, you have to realize she's going to have to be accountable for her actions. Still, she's currently acting as if she's watching more than participating, so I'm wondering what will be her final wake-up call.

+100 Faction

At the End of the Day (1979) 195/198
Stable Boy, pt 1 (2002) 195/200
PM: The Holding Block (1433) 285/286​

Kaze - 00/00

Don't see anything this week.​

Rob - 108/109 + 11 Consec + 100 Faction

For an introduction, this was pretty good, except that you rushed through your description of the character so fast that I had to go back and see if there even was a description. Echo seems like some combination of Echo LaSalle and Rosa, and it's not a bad combination. She gets some of the weighty backstory without the same level of angst, and I could see it being good for the two characters to play off of one another if they ever meet. One problem with these short chapters, though, is that 1000 words doesn't really give you much time to delve into a subject. While it's good that you continue to stay on top of writing every week -- something that can't be taken for granted -- I'd like to see more at a time than these little snippets.

+100 Faction

Blast it! (1090) 108/109​

Sev - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

My Writing:

2,100 - Week 022 - The Holding Block (Rapax, Open) [Plot]
​

 

[Nargles]

Minja
The Final Showdown [330/386]

Mmk few things. First off… I’m vetoing your reward claim. If you read the mission description “If Jaayvin does not agree, apprehend him”. Reading this collab, you totally ran away from the guy and in fact didn’t apprehend him. And seeing that he broke out into a magic vistra powered fight (what) he clearly didn't. That’s not completing the mission, you can’t claim the rewards.

Alright, first off you were SO CLOSE to having a collab without spacing errors. When you go to the section where the drunk people are talking, the paragraph breaks between the dialogues is off. But, at least it’s a marked improvement in grammar from your previous writing so keep that up.

Now onto to what needs to be improved. This applies to both you and freckles, since I’ve noticed this trait in both your writings. There’s a severe lack of… emotion… in the writing. It’s written in a very mechanical, stiff manner that doesn’t really immerse the reader. Part of this comes from a lack of description about the setting or the atmosphere. Furthermore, there’s a lack of description in the action making it seem very laid back and formulaic. The influx of cliché doesn’t really help either. I literally groaned at the “JAAVYIN’S GONE, [enter name here] IS HERE!” moment. It felt very empty when there could have been a lot more life injected into it. You need to show instead of tell. Instead of just flat out stating emotions and that the chase was exciting, show it through your character’s actions and behavior.

Also, I'm really hesitant that you essentially gave a random NPC a vistra. This isn't like HD where everyone has a shikai. Getting a vistra or any sort of out of the ordinary powers is an event that needs to be treated carefully. Mission NPCs, especially in D-ranks, should not have these.

For a collab this long, I was really expecting more.

The Holding Block [190/195]

GRAMMAR! Spacing issues came into play again. Just because it’s an open collab doesn’t mean you can get sloppy about this stuff. Surprisingly, of everyone in this collab I think Savage Beauty brah acted the most in character, given her previous opinions towards the Arcanum. Though, I’m kind of concerned about everyone following the group of terrorists with the now increasing death count.

Doc
Together [195/195] + 75 Div
Aww, he really does care. Speedy/Dio my OTP. Speedio. Speedo?

That aside, really great chapter. I enjoyed the bits of humor that just kind of were sprinkled into the chapter. The image of Speedy just hanging (literally) while waiting is an amusing one. That and his innocence really serves as a good match to Dio’s constant machinations.

The tenser and more character building moments were on point. Honestly, they both feel like really complex characters even though you’ve just started to scratch the surface. I’m curious to see where Dio goes from here, now that he’s actually ended up in Terminus with Speedy. Keep up the good work with these chapters.

Finny
UnReDeEncoded [637/637] + 75 Div

I… I…
…
…

Accurate representation of chapter:

You know take full points just for making that train of logic somehow make really weird sense at the end.

HOW DOES PARN KNOW THE APPROXIMATE WEIGHT OF URSA MAJORS.
WHY DOES COLONNA HAVE A SEXTANT D8
WHY ISN’T THE SECOND NUMBER TWO ANIMAL THE BADGER?
HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY PRONONUCE THLULHSROHSHRIGHL?

Codes man. Best codebreakers ever. /sarcasm