Grading Session for Week 226

[Wayne]

Group 5 - > Group 2 -> Group 6 -> Group 4 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5

Group 1: 1st / 5th / 7th Divisions / Quincies
Group 2: 10th Division
Group 3: 8th Division
Group 4: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: 3rd / 12th Divisions
Group 6: AHs / Vizards​

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 5/29/2012.​

 

[Nargles]

PMs. YEAH. You guys have your orders in the PM threads. If you don't have anything assigned, contact me or shade and we'll totally add you into a team : )
YOU GUYS WROTE ALOT! If I forgot something, it's late so I'm sorry. PM/IM me and I'll get it fixed!

Moony + 50 division:
Proclamation [124/126]

I really liked Zakki in this collab. He clearly seemed a bit out of his depth, suddenly having to act all calm and collected. You played his slight awkwardness when it came to acting so seriously about the matter. I kind would have liked a bit more of his old personality to seep in every now and again, since it still seems like a heel face turn shift, but otherwise the personality you did craft was spot on. I’m excited to see how Zakki takes charge this PMs and how he acts considering this would be his first time actually being a sizable boss in both Cerberus but Earth as a whole.​

Heart of Chaos [163/163]

Your action writing has really improved. I mean, your turns in this collab were spot on. You managed to find that balance of showing what was going on and telling about all Zakki was doing. Your turns weren’t word vomit in fights and you really managed the IG time well. I was a bit anxious at first about having this many people in an action based collab as they usually get really unwieldy but you guys executed it well.​

Raph
Proclamation [199/200]

Arano’s being all ragequity because everyone’s being all cryptic and what not. Good job for using Circuit Element, which I’m now dictating to be the most useful cerberus tech ever of all time. Anyway, your writing was good, I like how Arano took an interesting position of not trusting a damn word Fukushin was saying. I wonder how he’s going to react next time he meets with Ciro in private, probably yell at him for making a stupid decision amirite? There were just some weird spots where you started writing Arano’s position when it came to what side Fukushin asked him to take and by the end of the turn you did a 180 on his position, but other than that one point it was good writing.​

Shade
Proclamation [189/191]

So I know at some points you were trying to kickstart the collab again, and this was mainly at the beginning, but some of your turns were a bit repetitive. They mainly focused on Hisao snarking at Tsubaki. However, after the collab really hit full swing, I liked Hisao’s input to the entirety of the discussion. His input pointing out that SQN trolled Earth and generally listing the cons to both sides really shaped the discussion. Plus him keeping Earthers in check and informing them about SS stuff was also really nice and his presence was a really strong one. The snark was great as usual.​

Hase + 25 Division
Heart of Chaos [65/68]

Your writing is steadily improving week to week so good job! This collab was really interesting and I really liked how you guys all managed to pull it off. Your turns as a whole were good, the only problem that kept repeating was some of your turns were more repetitions of what happened in previous turns than actually moving the collab along. What I usually do to check that my turn was going to be useful was ask myself, “If I got rid of this turn, would it change anything?” If the answer is no, that may mean that you should rework it so you add to the narrative as a whole more. These were mainly sporadic errors, and didn’t repeat that often, but it’s a good thing to keep in mind as you write.​

Val + 25 Division
Heart of Chaos [118/118]

Lol, I like Shukumei’s freak out at the end of the collab. I like how he just pretty much went, “Fuck this. And this. And this. And that. And this! I’m just going to cero!” It actually works pretty nice with his vizard nature. I don’t know if you were planning it that way, but it kind of showcased his destructive side coming out at the end. As I’ve said to everyone else, great job you guys on making such an interesting collab!​

Wayne + 50 Division
Assurance [58/58]

Nice chapter, I like how you addressed Tsubaki’s exile from SS. Seems like Kyuketsu has a lot of work to do and some really big shoes (heels?) to fill with the loss of Tsubaki. It was a nice intro-outrospection combination and the dialogue was really well done. The casualness of the conversation and the description of the minute details in the setting and the tone of the characters really set a great mental image.​

A Favor [74/77]

A simple collab, interesting that Kyuketsu is now meeting with Captains. Hanging out in the big captain’s club is lulzy. Anyway, considering that they’re both technically equals, it was nice to read their back and forth and differing viewpoints really come to life in their chat. Their personalities seem so wonky together that I don’t know how much of it will actually stick, but none the less it was a great read overall.​

Desperate Times [105/105]

Nice work around of the curse. Mad props for epic Psudeoblade missiles. Anyway, PM collabs are always slightly dramatic and you played it up well. I liked how Kyuketsu gave some generally cryptic, wiseman-esque speech in the talk with the C46. He seems to have a general flare for the dramatics in speech I see. Going back to the final fighting turn, I liked how you portrayed his lower kidou stat as an actually lower kidou stat by having him partially miss his kidou. It showed a nice meld of OOG RP stats and IG writing.​

To My Grader (I'm Sorry):
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36180-PM-Earth-Week-Proclamation
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...-5th-8th-10th-Week-226-You-Must-(Not)-Succeed
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36201-Week-226-Circa-1959-II

 

[Rob]

GROUP FIVE GRADING NONSENSE:
In the spirit of taking good ideas from others, Group Five,
to ensure grading order please drop your writing links off at:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsH5ge9hxuBBdGd2aExjbVpOR05aUW5XNHk0bXEzUUE

If you don't write them down there, I'll assume you guys are dumb, but if it's really the case,
Send me your links you sillies!

Third Division Announcements
So, PMs have begun and Rob has no clue as
to what the Third is supposed to do, enjoy!

Twelfth Division Announcements
Holler if you need anything to do, want anything done,
or just want to post something you feel needs to be brought forth.​

Insert spiffy comment of the week here.

Ketch – 327 – 00 Div Bonus– 00 Bounty Kan – 00 Division Kan

So, gravity, I’m not quite sure what to make of this chapter, really. I mean, it was a nicely written chapter but it left me with quite a few questions. Where the hell did Manzou go and why the hell was he called up? It all seemed a bit forced into an ending to me, hopefully you’ll elaborate on this in your next chapter.

End of Bliss III was again a pretty nice change of pace with Manzou fucking up even worse than he already had, kudos!

Your collab with Doc was decent, but you should realize that if a 4^th’s attendant tells you to get the hell back in bed, you do as they say because as long as you are there rank means nothing. You are their patients, you will listen to them.

Next time I’m docking points for abusing the Fourth.

Then your place in (Not) seemed highly underwhelming, but on the other hand a lot of stuff was underwhelming and the thread itself kind of suffered from clusterfucking and people not knowing what to do, or even cared to do anything anymore.

Which wasn’t your fault, and your writing was good, so well done on that.

Gravity – 84
End of Bliss – 90
(Not) – 51
Face Forward – 102


Doc – 102 – 75 Div Bonus – 00 Bounty Kan – 00 Division Kan

I must say Mc. DocDoc, you improved drastically with your dialogue writing and I thought you did a decent job at portraying Gorou’s thoughts and whatnot. So take full points as well. =]

Face Forward – 102

Tits – 244 – 75 Div Bonus – 00 Bounty Ka – 00 Division Kan

I loved your part in this collab. It was so well executed and really showed Tsuneo’s struggling as one of the weaker – if not the weakest – of the assembled leaders. It was great, and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

Glad to have you back mate!

Desperate Times - 244

Tenth Division Grader – 59 – 00 Div Bonus – 00 Bounty Kan – 50 Division Kan

Who is this enigmatic voice of reason? I was quite captivated by your personification of her and I thought you did a really good job to bring some... much needed suspense to the collab - suspense in a good way, not the we're all going to die shit this is rough way. I liked it, yay.

Also, the LaSalles, not sure what to say, but I think you portrayed them - or one of them it mostly seemed like - decent enough for the amount of screen time they ended up getting. Poor LaSalle twins, struck down before they could even so much as breath in our general direction. Mister Return of a Sense of Security with his weapon of Armed Diplomacy is, quite rightfully so, a giant ass.

Anyway, take all the points and take half of my division money as well for humouring me.

Desperate Times - 59


Links for my grader:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36181-PM-C46-C-VC-Week-226-Desperate-Times (couldn’t have waited for one more of my turns? D
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36025-Closed-Week-You-Must-(Not)-Succeed
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36213-Week-226-Long-Way-from-Home

 

[Wayne]

Fates – Buried Memories 6

Well, this certainly was an interesting chapter. Setting up for a plot arc, are we? Nice pre-planning there by David and the gang, but the idea of attacking right away fell rather shallow for me. If they waited for Gen to finish his presentation, and then came at him when the investors were gone, the group wouldn’t have had to deal with witnesses and possible collateral damage. That being said, nice little confrontation dialogue there from the target. Gen’s got some serious balls wanting to kill the Spirit King at his state, lol. I look forward to seeing Tobi again and whatever it is he’s got up his sleeves.

Story elements aside, we got a bigger issue here. Again, it’s your periods, bro. Your periods. You had a solid chapter here, but the periods screwed it up. Some sentences either have commas at the end, or nothing at all. Seriously, watch for that.

Grade: 109/113 + 15 Division Bonus​

Beaks – Stand and Proclamation

Ha! Tsubaki got knocked the fuck out. But seriously, cool little pchap here. It’s nice to see Tsu finding herself an outlet while up on exile. I’m surprised she got so easily hit though. Her hakuda’s not insane, but hundreds of years of experience prolly beats a regular human’s training. Or maybe she’s just holding back, who knows?

As for the PM thread, well it’s no surprise Tsubaki missed out on some important shit. She was a bit more civil here than usual, but that’s to be expected I suppose. Still, it’s great that she never once backed down and let even Fukushin/Rafiki intimidate her. But really, she just left too damn early.

Grade: 241/132 (PM Bonus included) + 25 Division Bonus​

EDIT: Dips - Desperate Times

Totally slipped my mind that you posted in this thread. My bad bro. There's no going around it, but you didn't really do much here. Busy with stuff irl, so it's understandable. Since you only have 200 words, you don't get PM bonus (to my knowledge). Sorry about that.

Grade: 13/13​

DOUBLE EDIT: (So apparently I missed this too)

Kaggles - Desperate Times and You Must Not Succeed

Same with Dips above ^ for Desp Times. You were there for one turn, so there's really not much to say. As for YMNS, it was a pretty solid read. Kinda dragged on at the beginning, but that's just me. Good decision from you guys to bundle up the final turns into one, made it a lot smoother and more fluid.

Grade: 129/129 + 25 Division Bonus​

​

Again, for Group 6 grader, my stuff:

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36224-11th-Week-226-Assurance

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36223-11th-5th-Week-226-A-Favorof-Solace

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?36181-PM-C46-C-VC-Week-226-Desperate-Times

 

[swaswj]

Lin - 36/36

There wasn't a whole lot in here. I think you were waiting for a response from me at one point. If you're ready to write but you have a question, just go ahead and write -- we can sort it out afterward.

PM: Desperate Times (361) 36/36
​

Finny - 169/169

I really liked the chapter this week. You did an excellent job of describing the character and scenery, really giving it depth. It was easy to picture the abandoned building and its contents. I like the nod toward the programming in the unsearchable partitions.

Ah, Hotate. It's nice to see her again. When everyone else was planning for war, I like the fact that Hotate still refused to attack the Gotei, although promising to keep everyone alive. The brief fixation on the collar was also cute.

+75 Div Bonus

Not a Thing (2328) 116/116
PM: Proclamation (529) 53/53
​

Hare - 500/509

The collab with Wayne was a nice, realistic chat between two acquaintances. They're not quite friends, and their conversation reflects that, but they share a mutual respect that got them far. I like that you both had advice for the others, although there's the distinct impression that neither of you will follow the advice exactly.

You Must Not Succeed... this thread makes me feel guilty. At several points I wanted to drop into it, but I never had the opportunity, so I asked Sev if he could, but same for him. Reading it now only makes me realize how long it was in limbo. In any case, it was a good attempt and a good portrayal of the limitations imposed by his curse. Chaotic in the end, and with some errors (especially near the beginning), but overall it was a good mission.

Haresuno's role in the C46 thread was pretty laid-back, but I do like that you immediately sprang into action in a way that your curse allowed for. Not much more to say here except that Hare carries a lot of weapons for someone who currently can't fight.

+75 Div Bonus

Favor of Solace (3078) 75/77
You Must Not Succeed (6133) 300/307
PM: Desperate Times (1248) 125/125
​

Ish - 125/134

Ishin is always an interesting character to read, but at the same time, you tend to dramatically overplay his strengths. It was actually Lil who commented that this scene read like a level of Dynasty Warriors, mowing down enemies like they were nothing. Try to keep it within reason -- taking out several of these Sine Qua Non with relative ease would have made sense -- you are a captain, after all -- but mowing them down like grass just over-sells it.

Also, I know it's pretty much your thing to post turns and never add wordcount, but know what? Counting your turns is not my job. I'm cutting you a break this time, but if you leave your wordcount blank, I will take 50% of the grade right from the start. That goes for everybody.

PM: Desperate Times (1338) 125/134
​

Cad - 125/128

The chapter was rather uneventful. The writing was ok, although I still think the trip to Earth was a bit forced. The fact that he had to call for evac before guards showed up also didn't sit right.

Heaven knows I'd be a hypocrite to complain about hyperness -- just look at Kyuto -- but sometimes there's a difference between a character who is hyper and a character who thrives on appearing hyper, if that makes sense. Igasho and Nashira have a good dynamic, regardless, but I'd like to see how they interact without the excessive overload of cutesy.

Fresh Air (835) 40/42
Booze Behind Bars (3424) 85/86
​

Rob - 238/257

I'm really unclear what's happening with your personal chapter. Theron died -- the division wasn't abandoned. Why would there suddenly be tons of unused areas in the division? More than that, why is Nana discovering a hidden, secret gate to Hueco Mundo? The Third Division's Senkaimon is configured to be the only one in Seireitei able to access Hueco Mundo -- officially. It was never a secret, and in fact was deemed to be a military necessity, although closely monitored in comparison to the regular Senkaimon in other divisions. The writing itself was mostly solid, although you put 'mysterious' in place of 'mysteries' and had a double-instance of 'had' in one sentence, but the plot details seemed a bit... out of place?

The Third Division's Senkaimon is located southwest of the main building and has two guards posted at all hours.

Nana was a good snarkfest in the Must Not Succeed collab but I have to admit to being a little irritated by her constantly asking everyone what was going on, especially after her attitude at the start that she was in control.

That last turn in Desperate Times needed all kinds of fixing. I took a lot of trouble to describe the entire setting on the way in, so there's really no reason to be grabbing hatchback rocks, but aside from that, it went pretty well. Nana is still egotistical, but it means the character stays consistently egotistical.

Long Way from Home (1110) 50/56
You Must Not Succeed (2239) 106/112
PM: Desperate Times (885) 82/89

​

My own writing was just the two PM threads.

 

[Kago]

If I missed something, drop me a line. And WAYNE, why y no grade me?


Sound

The Hounds of Anubis
Grade: 53/57
Comments:
First off, let me introduce myself. I’m Kago and my PC is Takimoto Kago, Vice-captain of the 8^th division. As such, I will be your grader for the duration of your stay in the 8^th. You can think of me as your writing mentor; I’ll try my best to steer you down the right path without taking away your style or creativity. With that being said, let’s look at your opening chapter.

I liked the content of your plot. It was straight to the point with a few flashbacks; very concise. I like how you didn’t make the mistake of having a fresh graduate from the academy beat a few hollows on his first go-round. In addition, by establishing Ichi as a friend you have a connection for your character that allows him to seem more ‘human’.

Now, we’ll move on to the more technical aspects of your writing. You did have a few minor typos, but those can be fixed by proof-reading once or twice before posting. What I want to focus on is your sentence structure:

The young man’s eyes fluttered open as the rising sun crept into his dark chambers. Chojiro had barely gotten any sleep that night. Tomorrow was his last day at the academy, then it was off to the Gotei Thirteen, where he had no idea what would become of his current life. The past few years had just been a blur of constant learning and becoming accustomed to the spirit life. The short haired man grabbed his hat from the side of the bed, where his sword leaned against the wall. The sword’s sheath had a faint green tint with a skull engraved into the handle, which always made Chojiro ponder at its meaning. The sword continued to glisten as the sun rose higher and higher.

No time for this, he thought silently. He slowly slipped his hat on and looked out the window as he sat at the edge of his bed. His face had grown older from the time he arrived. Bags of sleepless nights had made their way under his eyes. His body was becoming much stronger than he could remember from when he had awoken in the middle of the forest.

I copied/pasted your first two paragraphs above. If you look at each sentence, one-by-one, you will see that almost all of them are very simple sentence structure.

Example: Subject – Verb – Object. Subject – Verb – Object.
Occasionally, you do throw in an independent clause, but that’s few and far between. Having the same format repeatedly makes your writing choppy and monotonous.

You may be wondering how to fix this. I have fixed the two paragraphs and reworked them below:

As the rising sun crept into his dark chambers, the young man’s eyes fluttered open. Chojiro had barely gotten any sleep that night, knowing that tomorrow was his last day at the academy. After graduation, he would be reporting to the Gotei Thirteen, where his future remained a mystery. Thinking back on the past few years, the recruit realized how his life had become a blur of constant learning and steady acclamation to the spirit life.

He grabbed his hat and sword from their positions next to his bed. The sword’s sheath had a faint green tint with a skull engraved into the handle, which always made Chojiro ponder at its meaning. As the sun rose higher and higher, the glint reflecting off the sword continued until the glare reached his eyes, bringing him back to reality.

No time for this, he thought silently. Slowly, he slipped his hat and sat at the edge of his bed, looking out the window. His face had grown older from the time he arrived: bags of sleepless nights had made their way under his eyes and his body was becoming much stronger than he could remember from back when he awoke in the middle of the forest.

Basically, for this week, try to work on varying your sentence structure and developing transitions between the sentences/paragraphs. I think that will help improve your writing.

If you have any questions about stats, drop me a IM (KazunariKago) or PM (Kago) and I'll walk you through it.


Will

Grade:Proclamation - 256/257
Desperate Times - 421/421

Comments:
I’m lumping both grade comments together since they are both PM and have similar comments.

You know how I feel about your mastery of RPing multiple characters at once and setting up for things to come. My biggest comment just stems from how circular some of the discussions got in Proclamation. I felt like Fukushin was trying to allow them to choose to stay or go (coughHisaocough) but really was compelling them to stay and see the events unfold. I’m not sure how much of that was IG or OOG, but it felt conflicting to some extent. That’s why I docked a point.

Outside of that, great writing.

 

[Eidolon]

Work is busting my chops, so abbreviated grading if/when possible

10th

Bob - 117/120; WMS; Would've liked to see more with this collab, maybe I could have jumped in. Regret seeing it end.

Celly - 50;

Nell - 87/92; Style and flow solid, would like to see concrete movement. 85/86; Very good, apples and oranges.

Katie - 61/62; Loved the context for the history chap, disliked the extreme knowledge and stewardship of her rl past.
175/176; Liked your style, pity the collab had to stall!

Boss woman Lil -80/81; Sorry we had to rush the end of that collab, but the end of the PM collabs should show why!

Guest - Hiren. F your couch and WC.

Must not - 145/147; Again, pity this didn't culminate, good potential.

Circa - 102; Full marks. Style, plot, author tools all made me smile. Good job.

Plot - 350/353; Ingorance is bliss for poor C.M. Long live C.M.