Grading Session for Week 23

[Redfin]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Nella
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Shade
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Bunz
Doc
Loko
Minj
Puppet
​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of January 2015 is:

[Ca] -> [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Se] -> [Oc] -> [Ca]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 01/13/15.

 

[Redfin]

Pls, Zer, pls.

Moon
Musings and Ruminations: 100
Aw, I was kind of hoping that since Aeria slipped out early, she would strike it out on her own.

Well. This was a chapter. About musing and rumination. I got exactly what you gave me. You wrote a bit of chapters mostly about what Aeria is thinking at the time. It is a cool style, though it might be cooler if these had some added personality in the narration. Something like how Aeria thinks internally, so maybe even first person introspection chapters.

 

[K3]

CASTUS GRADING​

Freckles: + 150 Faction Bonus

131/131 - Astrum [1308]​

I'm giving you full props for this week, Frecks, and some Faction bonus for the level of improvement in this chapter. Your stream of consciousness with Hal is nothing short of great. You let us see his romanticizing of the forge and creating process. You give us a clear image of the forge, of the sweltering heat, it's really well put together.

I can also tell that you've proofread this, and I couldn't find any grammatical errors this time (save for a single run-on sentence for stylistic purposes in the latter half). I love crafting chapters, and this is no exception, with you mingling the abstract of your character's own thoughts and pensive nature with the concrete of the physical process for creating his gauntlets. All in all; this was great, and I can't wait to see you reproduce it.

 

[OssumBunz]

Hare- 124/124

“The Question Is”
Hare, Kincaid is surprisingly interesting really. Reading this it’s like he’s a whole other person, which I suppose is the point. There are points where I wonder if he really is turning his life around, but I don’t want to be too hopeful of that. This was a good chapter and I couldnt find any glaring mistakes or the sort. I think the job you picked for this character is a pretty unique one given that it’s not one I see people running to take up. Overall this was a good chapter.

 

[swaswj]

Writing tagged with [Plot] in week 017 and onward will count for twice the normal point value.

Berri - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Bish - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Dys - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Kaze - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Rob - 265/271 + 27 Consec + 150 Faction

I have to say, it makes a huge difference just to expand beyond that 1k minimum. Because this is longer, we get a better glimpse of Echo as a character, and Caesar gets some characterization -- although he needs a slightly better description than 'the second burliest of the burliest men' -- which allows us to empathize more with the character. It gives us better insight on her position within the mercenary group. While she's drunk, you show us Echo in a vulnerable position, but then when she's sober, you show her as strong and able to take care of herself. Two different sides of the character like this, when they aren't at odds with each other, really helps to relate her to the reader.

That said, there's still room for improvement. One thing to consider in your writing is the traditional three-act approach to story-telling. I may go into deeper detail on that in future grades if needed, but one thing I notice is that your writing often doesn't have an overarching structure. I'm personally a proponent of going with the flow and letting events change fluidly, but I still believe that there should be a general direction to arcs. A character has to grow, after all, and be shaped by the events around them as much as they are shaping those events. So far, all of your characters have tragic pasts of some kind, and they have these chapters and collabs where they do things, but so far they haven't really seemed affected by an overarching conflict.

With Rosa, for instance, there's this whole plot in the background, but so far Rosa is either unaware of it or unaffected by it. Sigrid wishes to be free of her 'Daughter of Nothing' title, but has so far not been actively seeking a worthy challenge to take back her identity. With Echo, it's still too early to tell, but it feels like you're breaking that pattern. I hope to see that continue.

+150 Faction

In the Haven of Dread (2705) 265/271​

Sev - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

My Writing:

Nothing. I have brought shame upon my whole famiry.​

 

[Nargles]

Doc
Gather The Troops 109/113 + 100 Div

So Tydeus probably shouldn't have like... been let out. He's clearly scheming and I'm interested to see how this ends up wrapping into Dio's plot. Is there going to be a scheme-off, because there totally should be. Simple chapter and it did feel pretty fast and a bit rushed in the middle. The conversation seemed to be on overdrive, and the character development did feel a bit lacking the the middle. I got a nice feeling for Apollo and Tydeus, but it was mainly through their dialogue and less through their actions. Further writing with these characters should really help this out.

Otherwise, great quality of work on this one. I couldn't really find any grammar issues and structurally the chapter flowed nice. The characters remained stable and did not suddenly deviate outside of their established personality traits which is nice. The environment building was also well done.​