Grading Session for Week 24

[Redfin]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Nella
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Shade
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Bunz
Doc
Loko
Minj
Puppet
Regulus​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of January 2015 is:

[Ca] -> [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Se] -> [Oc] -> [Ca]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 01/27/15.

 

[Redfin]

Pls, Sparx, pls.

Moon
Explosive Developments: 137 + 50 bouns
I keep on treading TorBru as TruBlu for some reason.

I am liking the implications of this chapter. It's an interesting tying together of various plot threads. It seems like Craxtus and Aeria will be away from each other for a while more as Aeria is now a terrorist criminal. I am surprised to see more of Laermont. Now it feels like things are getting somewhere.

 

[swaswj]

Writing tagged with [Plot] in week 017 and onward will count for twice the normal point value.

Berri - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Bish - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Dys - 200/210 + 100 Faction

Sorry, this will be a little short this week.

Harper is a lot more concerned than I would have expected, taking time to splint the injured guy and drag the others out of the smoke. Perhaps it makes for a good alibi, considering they had two weeks to get to know his face exceedingly well, even if he told them a fake name, and even with a layer of makeup (and I have to say, keeping the make-up applied while sweating in a stable wouldn't be easy). Maybe Ignis was rubbing off on him. I'm not sure whether to see it as out-of-character, or character development.

Speaking of development, though, the stable guys probably could have used more development. You tried to give them each a semblance of a personality, and referred to them all by name, but they still come across as kind of unclear. It may have been better to not introduce them clearly so they are firmly in the background, or to spend more time with them so they feel more like characters than backdrop.

At one point you had them say to get 'Harper,' rather than Romello.

Quick side-note: a smoke bomb has a good chance to start a fire if you cover it in something flammable (like hay).

+100 Faction

Carefully Laid, Explosive Plans (2099) 200/210​

Kaze - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

Rob - 109/149 + 11 Consec

Right off the bat, there's some problems here. I don't believe these collab was proofread. There's mistakes starting right at the beginning, and going on through. "She definitely part velen, though, that much was super obvious." Be careful of sentences like this: "She was obviously quite a few years older than her..." If you don't identify which 'she' and which 'her' in the beginning of the sentence, it can cause confusion. I assume Vesper is the older since I already know Echo is young.

Your turn says that Echo is still in the city, not sure if she should try to escape the city (you mention a city wall, but there isn't one). Lambo's turn says that Vesper is at least 5 miles outside the city, walking through the woods. Yet, when Echo steps out of her apartment inside the city, Vesper greets you walking out of a house in the woods.

Did neither of you feel the need to address that difference? Let me count the ways you describe this place: a rental room (somewhere inside the city), a cabin (5 miles outside the city), an enlil shack, a hut, a condo, a cottage, a ruin. That's seven different ways that the two of you described the same building, and these are not synonyms -- barring, perhaps, 'shack' and 'hut.'

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a play on Echo's name, but you repeat yourself twice in this snippet (also note the incomplete italics tag):

“...as if to say that it was just the way things were - which they were. “I think we’ve had a couple of incidents happen on more than one occasion in the last month. It’s nothing really worth noting, but at the same time I can see why someone, or something/i] would get scared and run off.” More repetition here: "Shrugging ever so slightly, Echo opened her cape ever so slightly and revealed a set of knives strapped to her hips." And here: "Not that she particularly cared, but if it kept the conversation going, she really minded talking a bit more about things she generally didn’t really care much for."

The whole collab really feels like you didn't want to write it. There's no investment in the story for either of your characters, and no real attempt to tell a story beyond a chance meeting and awkward conversation. There is no care put into the turns and no effort to proofread the final work. Even the ending feels like one of you said, "This isn't working out, let's just end it here and post it." You made a point of letting me know that this collab took place prior to your previous chapters, and yet that's incongruous with everything you wrote in those chapters -- which were very good chapters, mind you.

This is really a disappointment coming from two writers I was looking forward to reading together.

Opposite Ends (2977) 109/149​

Sev - 000/000

Don't see anything this week.​

My Writing:

1,300 - Week 024 - Hounds on the Trail (Keydis, Furi) [Plot]
​

 

[Nargles]

Pup
Language Barrier [95/104]

Mmmmk. I'm going to give you a primer on accents. I don't know if you purposely made the chapter's name to address this. I get weird, phonetic speak. There have been characters that have spoken in such a manner. However, for this accent to work there are 2 tenants that need to be upheld.

1. Consistency
2. Readability

Firstly consistency means that the same type of word gets the accent applied in the same manner. For the most part you got this; however, there was one BIG sticking point right at the beginning of the chapter:

“Whit? He won me ower 'n' ye cannae say ah dinnae mak' a persuasive argument,”

Why is every other, shorter, simpler word accented but the words persuasive argument, which are far more complicated have multiple syllables, not? It's really jarring to read, and if you were going to keep the accent going, I really wish you would have applied it to more complicated words.

The second things is readability which is where this really stumbled. I had to reread some of these sentences multiple times to figure out what it was trying to say. For example:

“Ah dae nae care,”

Only on my third read did I realize you were trying to write 'I do not care'. Replacing letters to make the accent only really works if you replace similarly sounding tones. "ae" does not suffice to replace a long o sound like in do. I get that it was for the accent, but we're reading, not hearing, this. To an outside reader, at points this can become impossible to read, which unfortunately occurred here. Likewise "Richt" and "Right" read extremely different, so readability is hurt.

We can't predict what sounds you're thinking in your mind for these. To let us actually follow, you have to throw the reader a bone and make it something that we could understand. Otherwise, we might as well be reading something in a completely foreign language.

Regulus
Executioner [115/115] + 75 Division Bonus

Firstly, welcome to PT!

My main quibble about intercom was addressed in your application review so I won't repeat it here. It's a bit fuzzy, but if you ever have a question about what's in the RP universe feel free to ask!

Outside of that, this was a good interaction chapter. It establishes your character's personality without flat out informing the reader what it is. We are given the chance to develop our own insight of his nonchalant/independence. Furthermore, it had a really good hook to draw in the reader which is important to keep out attention. This was well done through your opening paragraphs which served to set the scene really well. Keep up the good work and take some of the division bonus as a reward!

 

[swaswj]

Life is busy, so I'm picking up the grading comments for Lambo.

Lambo - 109/149 + ?? Consec (dunno if you wrote last week)

For the most part, the comments are the same as I wrote for Rob, above. When it comes down to it, it felt like neither of you wanted to write this collab, and that makes me wonder why I had to read it. Proofreading in both of your turns is nonexistent, and it's clear that neither of you read the collab before posting it. I'd like to know: what was the intent behind this collab? Are these two characters going to be involved later down the line?

I'm going to go on record and say this: not everything you write is going to be vitally important, but everything you write, even fluff, should have a purpose. That purpose could be just to have fun, to show a lighter side, to explore an interesting idea, or it can be serious, dark exploration of the character's psyche, or it can be an epic struggle to overcome limitations. Tell me a story. Don't just throw words at me.

I have not read Vesper before this, beyond incidental turns in PMs, so this would be my first real introduction to the character, but I can't pick up much of anything except that she's nervous. The banter doesn't even give me a better understanding of her persona, which could have redeemed the collab.

Both you and Rob can put out some excellent writing when properly motivated. Don't in any way consider this a condemnation of your skills, because I've seen damn good writing from both of you. All I can attribute this to is an utter lack of investment in the story you were telling.

Opposite Ends (2977) 109/149
​

 

[Redfin]

Grading Will because wassup?
Hounds on the Trails: 130 x 2 PM = 260

It's too bad the only other person interested in joining the open collab was being detained. As such, it was the simplest game of cat and mouse. I don't have much to say as nothing was really resolved or changed in the situation for anyone. Unfortunate.

Nice to see Keydis back to being her cocky self, though that happened a while ago. It's just that the Phantoms mission is still in my mind when reading her.

 

[OssumBunz]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh sorry I got side tracked and stuff u.u

VIN: 560/560

you'd get a long thing here about what I thought of your writing here but this is late, take that grade.

VAL:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm confused by that GM edit there...I'm not sure if you get this grade but uh...if you find out you do, its 30/30 >.> (I mean idk if theres a reason you wouldnt...)